The Internal Issues

I've really struggled with some things...
Pretty personal things. 
That I haven't written about before.
That I probably wouldn't ever write about, 
let alone think about....

Been watching loads of tarot readings. 
There was one where the guy was saying
that new cycles can change our lives.

The environment plays a role. 
The environment that we create.
Which includes atmosphere.
And atmospheric pressure.

As we learn, we see things.
Why things weren't working in the past.
So that things can work out better.

In the past, stress and anxiety played a huge role for me.
Wanting to achieve things
that I wanted to achieve as soon as possible. 

But we tend to focus on HOW things are going to happen.
Instead of being patient and letting things happen.
Some things happen on their own time. 
And when we want them to happen on our time, 
we get frustrated and feel like they aren't going to happen.
And feel sad thinking that they aren't ever going to happen. 

Which proves that our thoughts affect how we feel. 

Sometimes we think we are ready for things we think we want.
Sometimes we're not actually ready.

Sometimes working on ourselves get us closer to being ready.
And when we're not ready for something, 
it doesn't tend to work. 

And sometimes it comes in another form
than how we thought it would come.
In a different package. 
In a different container. 
Looks different than what we thought it would.
Sometimes life is like that. 

Sometimes things happen that can change our whole life.
Sometimes we can change and make changes
that change our whole life. 
Some changes are gradual. 

Someone made a point by saying:
Would you rather have a meal at a time, 
or every single meal you'll eat in your whole life at once?

Gradual is easier to handle than all at once. 

The roots of the issues... 
All issues have roots.
It comes from some belief or some thought. 
Some feelings that get generated from that.
Some patterns that were developed, over time. 
So how do we break those patterns?

By looking at the issues that created those patterns. 
But not by just looking at the issues, 
by addressing those issues. 

Addressing issues isn't something that most of us were taught.
Especially in dysfunctional homes, etc.

What's more frustrating for me is that I'm still very dysfunctional.
Emotionally, psychologically, in other ways.
I've learned so much toxic sh*t and been toxic
with my toxic traits.

One was that I wanted to have control over a situation. 
And I also don't like to be controlled. 

Instead of just having control over myself, 
and let the situation work out. 

And sometimes I think I have to take control
when every time I tried to take control, things went left.
Because I didn't actually know what to do, 
but felt like I had to do something.

Because I felt like I would regret it if I didn't. 

And sometimes doing something is better than doing nothing. 
But is the wrong thing better than doing nothing?
Or is the wrong thing doing nothing?

If you're silent, you're compliant.
Supposedly. 

Anyway, if we don't speak on things we need to change
within ourselves, we're keeping those patterns. 

I've held myself back for a really long time.
Trapping myself in myself.

Reserved for something, but I don't know what.

And I keep hearing "I don't know what I want."
From a lot of people. 
I do know a lot of what I want. 
But when people tell me that they don't know what they want
when it comes to dating etc
They do know what they want, 
but they think they will meet the perfect partner, 
when nobody is perfect. 

Like guys who go for the "beautiful" girls
who treat them like crap
and then they think all girls are the same... 
Or all guys are the same. 
It's not true. 

But... At the same time, I haven't been ready. 
I didn't know I wasn't ready. 
I didn't know what my problems were. 
I didn't really know what my issues were.
I didn't want to look at myself
and feel guilty, and shameful... 

Like my issues with alcohol. 
Which I didn't see as an issue. 
My stupid ways that were an issue. 
Stupid ways I used to think that were an issue. 
Stupid programs I've been running on, all my life. 

That I've needed to overwrite. It's outdated
and it does not serve me well. 
Never did. The stupidity I was taught. 
The immaturity I was taught. 
The dysfunction I was taught. 

The dysfunction that I still partially am. 
It's rough trying to learn things. 
With very little support.

The thing is to learn to support yourself. 
Then you won't depend too much on external support.

Sometimes things get pretty heavy and are hard to take.
And sometimes we need to know how to take it. 
But not everyone handles everything the same. 

And there are better ways to handle things. 
No matter how hard it gets.

Going through things that are hard
is the only way to get through it.

But many times it seems impossible to get through some things.

When I've had periods of grief, I've had to get through that.
I've had mind games played with me, 
and games played with my heart.

The grief was a lot of grieving the things I used to want.
Grieving people I lost. Things that changed.
Good times from my past.
Grieving how I wanted things to be, but they weren't.

I even grieved when I changed. And that was weird. 
Like when I quit drinking. It was pretty emotional. 
I used to drink to suppress my emotions. 
But the more you try to bury your feelings, the more they come up.
Like how worms multiply underground. 

Another thing was that I tried to numb the pain, 
but I learned in AA that you can't selectively numb your feelings. 
When you try to numb one, you end up numbing them all. 
So even when you want to feel happy, you're not allowing yourself to be.
Because you're trying not to let yourself feel other feelings.
And then you kind of flatline and don't feel much of anything. 

With BPD, I am taking mood stabilizers. For the most part, they are okay. 
I still get really intense feelings. When I get triggered over something.

Our triggers are meant to teach us things about ourselves. 
Mostly that we are responsible for how we react and act.
And that we are responsible for how we behave.
Despite any trigger. 

Why is 'this' a trigger?
How do I tend to react when triggered?
Do I have to react that way?

I used to get mad when I lost something.
Mad at myself for losing it, 
and mad at myself for not being able to find it.
And mad because I just wanted to find
whatever it was that I lost.

It would drive me crazy. 
And I'd get really frustrated when I couldn't do something. 

I have a friend who took me skiing when I was a kid. 
I'd get so mad at myself for falling. 
And falling isn't a big deal. 
I was just a kid and she told me she'd give me a nickel
when I fell and then we'd count the nickels when we got back home.

Anyway, I look at all the times I used to get mad
when I never had to be mad. 
And all the energy I'm saving
from not getting mad about those things anymore. 

Getting mad about something
is different from what we're mad about
"getting" us mad. 
Or "making" us mad.

I was taught like "that made me" this.
And this way "that" was an excuse to do this or that. 
It took me years to figure that out. 

I look at all the excuses I give myself
to excuse myself out of things I know I should do. 
Not all the time, but I see when I have. 

And I was taught this by people who do this. 
Because they were probably taught that
by people who were taught that. 

People projecting and blaming, I'd do that, too.
Then I realized that I didn't have to do that.

There are a bunch of things I did
that I didn't have to do.