Showing Me Again

I don't know anymore.... 
I try to help people, 
but in the end I can't help anyone who won't help themselves. 
Why should I be the one to push people to do things
that I know they are capable of doing?

Shouldn't I be pushing myself?
Helping myself?
Working on getting my sh*t together?

I could be doing that
instead of helping people who don't even value me. 

But do they have to show me all the time
that they value me?

Do they have to put me above everything? No.

Just sometimes, I really wish they would do things with me. 
Instead of talking about doing things and then not doing them. 
And then turning their back on me 
when something comes up suddenly. 

I would like to feel like I matter
and be shown that I matter. 

Instead of people telling me they miss me. 
That they'll stop doing things that they keep doing. 

Someone said this in a chat room tonight:
"No matter how screw society is....you are on your own to control your own environment and be content in your own situation."

And it is true. Society is pretty screwed up.

But I really dislike it when I'm only good to have around
because I'm 'helpful'
and people only miss me for that reason. 
Not because they actually like having me around. 
Because whenever something comes up, 
I'm not good enough to have around. 
And yes, I am tired of feeling like that. 
And tired of being treated like that. 
That the only thing that matters is what I have
and what I can do for other people. 

Because when I need help, who is there?
What can I ask anyone to do for me?

In the end, I have my own back, always. 
And people are so unreliable
and I can't have any expectations. 
I can't expect anyone to care about me
the way I care about others. 
I can't expect anyone to help me
the way I help others. 
I can't expect anything. 
Having expectations like
"He'll keep his word this time."
"This time, things will be different."
"This time, they'll see me as worthy."

And doing all kinds of things for people
who wouldn't do anything for you
isn't the way to make them want to do things for you. 

And I am really tired of hearing:
"I'm sorry. I won't treat you like that anymore. 
I'll stand by you. I miss you."

When they've been 'too busy' for me. 
When they'd rather do drugs and party and whatever.

Am I that boring? Am I just not worth it?
Why is it?
Because I'm always around?
If I wasn't, would they drop things and make time for me?
Like I do for them?
Why do I even do that?

Sometimes I think things are getting better. 
And they'll be better for a while. 
Then they'll go right back to the way things were. 
And then I feel like this all over again. 
And yes, I am tired. Of trying so hard. 
Just to f*cking matter. 

And then they'll say it's just my medication. 
Or whatever. 
When they can't see that what they do
and how they've treated me affects me. 

So I just can't do it anymore. 
I try and try and try. 
Who is making the effort for me?
Until when? Until someone else comes along?

And then they want me to help them
when nobody else was... 

When it comes to me, where are they?
Do they do the things I do for them, for me?

But why do I expect "me" from other people?
Especially when they keep showing me who they really are?

Frustrating, yes. 
Tiring, yes. 
Painful, yes. 

But, I have other things to think about. 
Other than 'fitting in' 
because I don't drink anymore. 
I don't do drugs anymore. 
So I guess that makes me boring. 
To people who get bored easily without
their usual stimulation... 

And it's hard to even express how I feel about certain things.
And if people cared, they would listen to me about how I feel. 
About getting pushed aside all the time. 
When we had plans first... 

Anyway, they just expect me to drop everything. 
And do the things they want me to do. 

And yet, I can't ever ask anyone for anything. 
When I need help the most... Who's there for me?
I have to be there for me. 

And why do I go back to situations that are pretty sh*tty?
Hoping they'll get better?
And thinking it is my fault. 

I have things to do for myself anyway. 
And others have their lives to live
however they want to live their lives. 

It just bugs me that when I try to help them
and they aren't helping themselves.... 
I can only do so much for people. 
And obviously I shouldn't let people use me
for the things I have done for them
just because they want me to do those things
does not mean that I should do them. 

Because what about me?
What about what I need?
And maybe what I need has nothing to do with the people
I've been trying to help. 
Maybe they don't have much to offer me. 
But is helping about getting anything in return?

And why do I feel the way I feel
when they let others come first?

Just would be nice to be treated better. 
To be treated well. 
To be considered. 
To feel cared about.

That's pretty much it.  

Maybe I will feel that way, one day. 
When I get away from people
who only had me around to get something from me... 
Because I know that I don't need that in my life. 

And no matter how hard I try to change that, 
it doesn't change. 

How it is from the start, is pretty much how it's going to be. 

It's just frustrating when people who do so little for them
seem to matter so much more. That's all. 

Like why invite me over to just tell me to leave?
And after it has already happened, why go back?
For it to happen again?

"A*** didn't learn the first time, let's show her again."