Reckless Rebel

It's been rough the last few weeks.
It feels like when I take a step forward,
I get pulled back. To where I was.
It bothers me because it's frustrating
and it's been painful, very.

Been having to adapt to a lot of changes.
Changes of conditions.
Changing perspectives.
Feelings fluctuating.

Big changes hit pretty hard.

And even good changes feel uncomfortable.
Until you adapt. Adaptations.

It can be hard to adapt.
Often it doesn't feel good.

I haven't felt good for a long time.
I wish I could go back to the times I felt good.

But I can't put my happiness on anyone else.
Not anyone's responsibility. All mine.

Sometimes I feel so aligned, and light. 
I have to let go of things that have been holding me back. 

It's weird but people tend to notice me more
when my energy is different.

Strangers wave at me and stuff. It's weird. 
That never used to happen. 
That's on my good days. 
I don't know what it is. 

Someone in a car, from across the street waved to me. 
I didn't know who the guy was. 
Was in a completely different neighborhood
than I usually am....

I go for more long walks, and been isolating myself more.  
I don't feel lonely like I used to. 
I enjoy being on my own. 
Less drama from other people. 
And I don't need to be involved in it. 
I used to trust people I shouldn't have trusted. 

A lot of other people have been distracting me
from doing the work I know I have had to do for a long time.
And they weren't doing the work
so I couldn't talk to them about this stuff. 
Can't talk one language with people
who don't speak it, let alone understand it.

How can you get through to people
who don't want to hear it?

When I was depressed, it seems like I was hellbent
on being self-destructive. 
I still make mistakes. I still have my lessons to learn. 

I still have things to think about.

It's easier to think about things we are used to thinking about. 
Opening up your mind, will give you headaches.
It can literally hurt to expand your mind. 

But when a new thought comes to mind, 
it opens up doors to more new thoughts. 

And it is another feeling to realize some things
that took us a long time to realize.

And no matter how much someone needs to mature, 
and grow up and grow in general, 
that can take time. 
Can't shift the paradigms until they are ready to shift them.
And they have to have the right motivation. 

Changing can be really hard, at times. 
People get stuck in delusions. 
I've been so stuck in my own sh*t for so long.

Healing can be hard, too. 
All those painful wounds. 
I've had a lot of painful sh*t.
That I've had to heal from. 

Hearts can get heavy. 
With all kinds of experiences. 
Very painful sh*t....

Like I've mentioned, I tend to react to pain
with anger. I get angry when I get hurt. 
It's an automatic reaction. 
I don't have to get angry, but I did.
And getting angry about it doesn't help anything. 
It doesn't change the events that already happened.

I'm feeling guarded, big time. 
I feel frustrated with people, a lot of times.
But have to understand that they are where they are in their life.
A lot of people haven't developed the capacity to "get" some things.
And that isn't entirely their fault.

There have been things that I've had to learn on my own. 
Without the people around me.
Secluding myself more and more. 
Which is for me because I need to reflect.
I need to reflect on myself, try to balance how I feel, 
get clear on what I really want, 
and knowing that what I want
and what I need are two different things.

I have issues to sort out.
Things that trigger me, 
The triggers are what I need to look at.

I see what the issues are from my reactions. 
My reactions have been impulsive. 
Which is another issue. 

Another issue is insecurities. 
Trust issues, too. 
Having been lied to so many times... 

The pain that I've been enduring has been pretty intense. 
And I don't know why I've been enduring it. 
Why hold onto something painful?
Shouldn't I be focused elsewhere?
Why do I put myself through so much?

To try to prove some point to myself?
That no matter how hard I try, 
it never seems good enough?
And then I start feeling like I'm not good enough... 

And knowing that I'm not a typical girl. 
I'm not into fashion or makeup. 

I've been feeling so low lately. 
Been holding back some feelings. 
Such as the ones I just wrote about...

But obviously my insecurities keep getting in the way. 
And my issues need to be dealt with. 
Because it's been really hard having these issues. 
And I don't need the issues to be an issue. 
To where I'm holding myself back.