"Complicated"

Things haven't been going well in the "love" department. 
Not that I can really expect things to... 

I just wish things were different. A lot different. 
But that is just a wish of mine. 
And I can wish with all my might, 
but it doesn't mean that wishes come true...

Anyway, I had a bit of a heated convo today
with a guy I started talking to online. 

He was saying that I've been pretty negative
and that it was putting him off 
and putting him in a bad mood. 

A lot of pain. A lot of PAIN. 
It hurts a lot and I don't know what to do about it. 

I told someone that it feels like a kick in the gut, 
repeatedly. 

It hurts so bad that I feel sick. 
And that feeling isn't going away. 
I don't know how to make it go away. 
I wish it would just go away. 
I don't like feeling sick. 
I don't think anyone does. 

I just wish things would be different. 
That's pretty much it. 

So I can't expect things to be different or change.
Or anything at all. So why do that?

A few things I just want to know and have answers for
so that I can just get over it and get on with my life. 

Because if things aren't going to change
and if things are going to be too hard
and if things are going to be this hard on my heart
I won't be able to take it.
I can barely take it. 

I should just focus on other things
and just let this be as it is
because it hurts so much
and the sick feeling isn't going away. 

And I really don't know what to do anymore. 
I don't know what to do about this feeling.

And a friend would tell me that I should reach 
for another feeling... 
And redirect my energy with each thought I have. 

Because if I keep focusing on what hurts
it's just going to hurt. 
More and more. 

And it's not like I haven't been here before. 
I have been here many times. 
And it felt like this and then I got over it. 
Only to put myself back to where I was before. 
Just in a different type of thing. 

Here I can explain things a bit, 
without being specific. 

I don't really care who understands me and who doesn't. 
Because I got to a point
where I've been very misunderstood
and no matter how I explain myself, 
most people don't get me at all. 

Sometimes I don't get myself. 
I don't know why I do certain things
knowing things probably won't end well. 

But maybe they will. 
I can't really see into the future. 
I have seen some things before. 
It scared me pretty bad
so I stopped doing that. 

I can't really describe what I saw. 
It was disturbing and thought
it was only a disturbing thought. 
I dismissed it and didn't think about it
until it actually happened. 

And that is when I stopped asking to be shown. 
Because I don't think I could take it. 
And I don't know if it is a thought
or if it is something that might happen. 

Anyway, I try to go for long walks
to try to clear my head. 
And sometimes it really helps. 

But my feelings are just all over the place lately. 
So I can't really put that into words. 
Other than it really hurts. 

So I just have to ride it out, I guess. 
Maybe with luck things can change, I don't know. 

And maybe things are meant to be
all over different than I thought things could be. 

Like my happy ending... 
That would be awesome. 

I just really need the truth, though. 
Even if the truth hurts. 

Because it would at least be closure. 
And any time I needed closure, 
I had to find it on my own. 
Because it wasn't given to me. 
Rarely is. 
Because most people just don't want to tell the truth. 
At least not to me. 

So I just probably have to just figure things out
and do something else, and not focus on this anymore. 

Just been really hard to focus on other things... 
And I don't know why. 
Maybe because this has been pretty important to me. 
And when something really matters to me, 
I have a hard time getting out of my head about it. 
Plus, I really ruminate on things. 
And I have to catch myself on that. 
And try to be in the moment. 

I don't know why that is so hard for me. 
And why things have been this hard. 
Like this has been like the last time all over again. 

And I didn't want to go there, again. 
Because it was pretty freaking brutal last time. 
And it made me not want to go there ever again. 
I don't know why I did, but I did. 
So I can only blame myself. 

So I just want to feel good again and feel like myself again. 
And feel like it's okay to be myself. 
And not feel sick and not feel hurt. 

And not feel like I currently feel. 
Because feeling like this is just basically draining me. 
It has hurt for a long time. Years. 

And I know that is repetitive. 
Like "A***, how many times
are you going to say you're in pain?"

Maybe by saying it, it is expressing it. 
And expressing it,
isn't going to magically take away the pain. 
So I don't know what the point of expressing it is. 
Or the point of allowing myself to feel this way. 

Just every night I feel like puking. 
And I don't know what to do about it.