What We Thought

I have a bunch of things to think about.
Why I let myself get distracted by other things...
I don't know.

Why I have such high expectations, I don't know.

Just because things didn't go well, 
doesn't mean things can't get better.
And this is what keeps me hoping.

And I keep hoping and hoping and hoping. 
Nothing wrong with hoping, 
but when we get our hopes up, 
then we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. 
If we expect too much, we set ourselves up for disappointment. 

We want to see evidence on our effort. 
We want things to go a certain way
so that we can be happy about how things are going... 

We want to see evidence and feel a type of way
to just feel better. 

I read this: "Stop trying to feel better and get better at feeling."
all the feelings are there. 
If we think a certain way, we feel a certain way. 

"Beliefs are just thoughts we keep thinking."

Sometimes we have such high standards for people 
that it's not easy to live up to that. 
And should they? Just for us?
Just so that we can be happy
that they met our expectations?

Someone told me:
"Nobody owes us our desired outcome."
Sure, do I wish certain things in my life were better.
Without the tools I need, I'm just letting myself suffer. 
There is more to life than suffering. 
What role have I played in my own suffering?
The point where I had high hopes? Expectations?

We try to control things we don't have control over
because not being in control 100% makes us think
that we won't get what we want. 
And why does getting what we want mean so much?
Because it makes us happy?
Or because we think it would make us happy?
If it doesn't make us happy?
Then what is happiness actually about?

I was talking to someone today
about how people can be filthy rich and not be happy.
Because they only have material things,
they don't have the things that money can't buy. 
Which is what the soul does need. 
Not another starb*cks. 
Not another coffee, or a new car, a new whatever... 
Sure, you can be happy about it for a while. 
Then that wears off. 

When we aren't getting what we want... 
People get mad, upset. 
"I'm supposed to get what I want...
Other people are getting what they want, 
why can't I have what I want, too?"

Just because it's not happening now, 
doesn't mean it won't happen. 

Like when I was so depressed in my 20s, 
when I started this blog. 
And just lamenting about the things I wanted... 

Comparing myself to others, being compared to others...
It wasn't helping me develop a sense of self. 

And nothing anyone told me and said to me
made me want to or actually change my mind!
Because I believed nobody got it, got me, 
understood how hard it was for me. 
But was I making things hard for me? Yeah, I was.
Look how long it took for me to realize
that I was the one making my mistakes. 
I am the one thinking my thoughts, 
feeling my feelings, 
living my life. 

So how could anyone understand?
They have had different, better experiences. 
They have had opportunities I didn't get to have. 
Their circumstances were better than mine. 

Sure, all that can be true, 
but also, none of that has to weigh so much
on how I change my own mind. 

Am I all knowing? No. 
The things I know, now, are things I've had to learn. 
The hard way? Yeah, the hard way. 

And yeah, reflecting shows things to you. 
When you really take the time to look at things. 
And look back on things that you weren't thinking about, before. 
That you could have thought about....

But because something crossed your mind
that doesn't end up being true, 
it stopped other things from crossing your mind, 
that do happen to be true. 

Like this one guy assumed I was lonely
because I spend a lot of time by myself. 
And maybe this is a belief, 
that people who are alone must be lonely
because it's supposedly lonely to be alone. 

What if being alone gives you the chance to think
and focus on things that you need to do for yourself?

What if being alone allows you to be able to do things
that you can't do with other people?

What if everyone who hung out with each other
learned from each other?
Instead of it being about what people can give and get?

Instead... Of people sharing ideas, thoughts, reflections... 
Sharing how we feel?
Being understood... Feeling understood. 
Instead of assuming that nobody understands?
Instead of assuming that nobody cares?

People assume so many things about me. 
People judge me based on everything. 
How I look, what I wear, everything. 
How I am and who I am compared to other people. 

Who's the better choice? 
Who's the better person?
The best dressed, prettiest, person... 
Isn't always the smartest. 
The smartest isn't always the best dressed or prettiest. 

What matters more? Having some smarts?
Or having looks that will fade?
Nobody stays young forever.

But all through our youth, 
we think... "I can do or have better"
than the one who's not interested in fashion. 
Than the one who isn't mainstream. 

Who actually thinks about things. 
But you can't think you can tell what kind of person
you have right in front of you by how they dress
or how they look. 
There's more than what meets the eye. 

The guy I've been the most attracted to, as of late... 
It's not his physical looks that makes him appealing, 
it's the way he thinks. 

I have another opportunity to ask him questions. 
But I don't know what to ask him, specifically.

There's the question and how to ask it. 
There's the thing and how to do it. 

Like how we learn... 
We learn what it is, what it does, how to apply it. 

But the thing is we need to learn how to apply
the things we learn that we could apply. 

And that's the hardest part about those self-help books. 
We could read them until the cows came home, 
and we could think it's useful info, 
because it probably is... 
But when we aren't taught how to teach ourselves
how to apply the things we learn... 
Then we have to teach ourselves
HOW to teach ourselves
HOW to apply the things we learn. 
Because we can say we learned it in theory. 
We can ponder the concept of it, 
but we aren't using it.
Merely pondering the concept of it. 

Because we were meant to do more with it
than just ponder about it. 

Sure, some people have given me a lot to think about. 
Even some people who have really not
done very much to contribute to my growth and development. 
But since I'm an adult, it is up to me to change that for myself. 
Up to me to change my own mind. 
Change how I look at things. 
Change what I've chosen for myself up until now. 
Only if I want to, choose to. 

I can't force people to see these things and other things. 
They couldn't force me to, either. I wasn't ready. 
To see the truth about a lot of things. 
To see how I was f*cking up my chances, my life. 

To see that I was too busy giving others chances
and not giving as many chances to myself
than I gave to them. 

Something a tarot reader said in a vid I saw today. 

He said that when you start trusting the universe
to do what it needs to do FOR you, it will. 
But when we try to control too much
of the things that are not within our control, 
the universe can't do what it is supposed to do. 

"When you step back, even without understanding
why certain things are happening...
Other things start happening."

There are certain things that I hadn't wanted to step back from.
Because 1) I want some say in how things happen. 
Even when some things happen in mysterious ways.

Some people don't wake up, they don't change. 
Because they are like I used to be. 
I made excuses as to why I was the way I was.
Why I wasn't choosing to do different things. 

I mean, the way I felt
was always based on what was happening and what wasn't. 

Without realizing that there is a time
for certain things to unfold. 

And time is needed to realize certain things. 
And the more we realize, the more we understand.
People who have their heads up their @sses, 
don't even realize that they do. 

They can't see what they can't see. 
I couldn't see what I couldn't see. 

"I see" is different from "I understand"
But how can you understand something you can't see?

Seeing as in realizing. 

When we talk to people who understand more than we do, 
and they talk about things they understand, 
it helps us understand. 

But if we are unwilling to think about things... 
What will we see? What will we understand?
What will we know?

But at the same time, how can we show 
that we know what we know?
Or does even asking that show how much we don't know?

There are things people say
without understanding why they said it. 
And we wished we hadn't said it. 
But can we take words back
that have already been spoken?

But we can say, "Yeah, I made a mistake. 
I shouldn't have said that."

And I've done many things I shouldn't have done. 
Things I wish I hadn't done. 

If I were to be judged on all my mistakes, 
and all the things I did without thinking ahead...
Without realizing certain things. 
Without thinking I have a lot to realize...

Because I still do. 
Talking to people who see more, 
who understand more...
Who know more, who have grown more....

That only helps me. 

And those people know that I have little to offer them. 
Yet they don't teach me to get a reward.

I don't call writing posts about this stuff
teaching anyone anything. 
Most people look at me like I know little to nothing. 
Because they underestimate me. 
They see me based on how they look at me. 
How they choose to look at me. 

And if I'm alone, it's because I have to be.
It may not be what I want, or wanted in the past.
Because I wanted to be seen for who I am. 
I wanted that to appeal to someone. 
I wanted to matter, have something meaningful. 

There were times I did, but had my head
so far up my @ss that I couldn't see it. 

And looking back on that... 
I can't hate that version of me that couldn't see it. 
Because I can't change the fact that I couldn't see it. 
And a lot of it had to do with thinking I didn't. 
Because it felt like nothing I did mattered. 
But it actually does. A lot. 

A lot more than we thought or think it does. 
And it matters that we stop doing what we don't need to do, too.  

We don't have to give our power away.
We don't need to try to control everything. 
Except control how much awareness WE have. 
Whether others become aware, that's their thing. 
It's an option for them, 
but a lot of people don't consider their options. 
Especially the options they don't realize they have. 

When we have so many options 
that we can't see how many options we have...
We tend to choose what we've always chosen. 

It's not that I chose grief. 
It's that there were a lot of things that hurt.
But things that I didn't have to let hurt me
for as long as I let it hurt me. 

I wanted to feel worth it. 
And I thought if others acted and treated me like I was worth it, 
then I'd be happy feeling like I was worth it. 
Instead of just being on my own
and acting and treating myself like I'm worth it. 

That's how it was for me. 
That was basically the crux of my depression. 
That. Just that. 

So self respect has been better than wanting other people's respect.
Especially when they said they respect me
and acted otherwise. 

And I don't have to show myself to everyone. 
In hopes someone will approve, like, trust, want me. 
Because that never got me anywhere.

Is it okay to be sad when disappointed?
Sure. But being mad or sad about anything
isn't going to change anything. 

Still struggling. Wasn't honest with myself
when I should have been listening to myself. 
Thinking some things would fit me, they didn't. 

Recognizing what doesn't match me, faster, sooner
saves a lot of time. A lot of wasted effort. 
I've been upset at myself for going for things
that weren't what I needed or ultimately what I wanted. 
And I knew it felt off, didn't feel right. 
But I didn't know why. 

When some cycle closes, it open room for other things. 
What we've been waiting for, doesn't make it what we need. 

Like the thing where a cult leader
talked most of his followers to kill themselves. 
They waited in line for their poison. 

People wait in line for all kinds of things. 
Is it the right line to be waiting in?

Or are we wasting time waiting for things
that are not going to happen?
Or when they happen,
they aren't what we thought they'd be...