Over The Years

So there are things that I used to want, in life. 
And a friend pointed out that it must still matter to me, 
somewhat, if I keep bringing it up. 

I know you've noticed that pattern on my blog. 
Over the years. The lamenting and basically emotionally torturing myself. 

I've decided that MUST STOP.
No amount of crying over anything is going to change anything. 

Being a wounded warrior is closing myself off
from certain opportunities. 

But not all opportunities are good opportunities. 
Should we take every opportunity we're given?
Probably not. 

I had read somewhere:
"If we don't heal what hurts us, 
we'll bleed on those who never cut us."

I don't want to bleed on anyone.
Even those who cut me....

But I need to give my head a shake. 
Why do I feel some need to fill some void?
With lies and BS? 

Why settle for a 20/80 situationship?
Where I don't even get the 20 most of the time?

Why settle for sh*t I shouldn't have to settle for?

The thing with wanting to have a mature partner
is knowing that to keep a mature partner, 
I have to be mature. 

I'll admit, I have a lot of growing to do. 
Growing I couldn't do, because I was busy giving, giving, giving
to people who never appreciated anything I gave. 
Which put me into depression. Pretty deep. 

A while back, there was a breakthrough I had made. 
About depression. 
That it was basically a sense of deprivation. 
But we have to look at what we are depriving ourselves of.
What we keep looking for outside ourselves. 

When I was in relationships, before... 
I was focused on trying to make it work
and why it wasn't working
instead of working on myself. 

Like I should have been. 
Had I been... I would have been further along. 
Than I am now. 
I'm not at a point where I'm still not good at emotional regulation. 

I have to learn forgiveness doesn't mean others deserve another chance. 
I believe in second chances, but if there aren't changes....
And I know how it is often hard to change, yet possible. 

I'm not the same person as I used to be.
I think differently than I used to think.

But I need to start feeling differently
than I used to feel.