Hard Talks & Easy Talks

May have mentioned somebody came back into my life recently.
Someone I used to talk with who asked me some hard questions
that I've had to ask myself for a long time.

One of those today is "why settle for partial truths?"
Because I had said that I wanted it to be at least partially true...

He tells on me with the questions he asks.
His questions are telling.

Sometimes I feel the BOOM before it comes.
Today, I did. Knew it was coming.
Just didn't know how or when.

But I feel it.

I don't know why it feels so good to just talk
about things that needed to be talked about.

And that's what I've needed.
To talk, and talk, and talk....
With a good communicator.

To think about the answers to those questions.

The big part was that I've been directing my energy
in the wrong direction.
Misdirecting.

Anyway, my soul is tired. 
I have a lot to accept that I haven't accepted, yet. 
And why have I not accepted it?
Is it too hard to accept?

And just because I accept it, 
does that mean it's justifiable or acceptable?

Maybe I wanted a deep connection with someone. 
And can't have that with shallow people. 

And a lot of times, people don't know how to express their feelings. 
That is not my fault. 
Being unable to express my feelings, is my thing. Not theirs.

And the only reason it hurts, was I didn't get what I wanted. 
If I accept that, then does the pain go away?
Will there be any reason to feel hurt?
Or does it hurt because that is the primary feeling
that comes up when something like this happen?
"You weren't chosen, again..." 
"How does that make you feel?"
Do I have to feel the way I always felt about that?
Or do I accept that maybe there was another reason for that?

Maybe being rejected means that I don't have to be the one
who does the rejecting...

Maybe wanting a deep connection 
with a shallow person isn't what I actually want.
Maybe wanting an equal balanced connection
with a selfish person isn't what I actually want.
Maybe putting in all this time and effort
into a person who doesn't value me isn't what I actually want. 

So maybe the Universe knows I don't actually want any of that. 
So then, as a part of having my back, 
it takes me away from a situation that wasn't what I actually wanted. 

And maybe people don't realize what they had
until it's gone... 

I'd rather someone see my worth and value
while I'm right there, in their life.
To see how much I invested, and why I was investing. 

But why invest in anyone
who isn't invested in me?

And when I see that, the very first time...
I have to say "this isn't what I actually want"
And just wish people well, then walk away. 

For my own sake. As to not keep wasting time. 
Time on doing things for people
who never appreciated anything I did. 
Who never actually cared about me. 
Who only ever care about what they want. 
Or who keep looking
because they don't know what they want. 

Who needs so much attention and assurance
from as many people they can get it from. 
Instead of expressing that to me. 
Or be content with the attention I give them. 
Who don't need a dozen "pretty" girls
to stroke their ego...
Who think with their head and not their d*ck.

Someone told me once:
"They didn't choose someone over you, 
they chose a level of hormones over you."

Doesn't make it feel any better...

But do I actually need anything to make me feel better?
Or can I convince myself to just feel better?

And why do I think I want someone
who is so emotionally immature
that they try to feel better 
by getting the next best thing?

Am I out there looking for the next best thing?
Was I looking for the next best thing?
I wasn't even looking. 

Maybe what I chose was a level of hormones
and not a decent guy. 

And he's not a horrible person. 
Which is why I stayed as long as I did. 
I did see the good in him. 

But also, I felt a type of way
about many things. 
Things that weren't changing. 
Things that weren't being discussed. 

Maybe what I actually want
is to be able to have a discussion
with someone who is mature enough
to know the difference
between a discussion and an argument. 
Who doesn't automatically think:
"Another argument I don't want."
And gets defensive.
And doesn't admit to or faces what they did
that was wrong. 

And then says... "I'll do better.
Because what we have means something to me.
And you mean something to me."

"I don't want to risk this on stupid choices."

Because that's what maturity is. 
And if someone and something really matters to you. 
Why take chances to risk it?

And maybe some people think:
"I made a mistake, she made me feel bad about it.
Why would I want to be with someone
who makes me feel bad?"

Instead of just saying: "I feel bad about this.
And it wasn't HER fault
that I chose to react the way I did
when she was expressing to me
that she was upset about something I chose to do
that clearly affected her."

BUT... Do things have to affect us to the point
that they take over our emotions?

Do we have to feel the way things are "supposed" to feel?
Or does the subconscious play a role
on how we feel
based on every experience we ever had?

And maybe people get scared of having another experience
like the experiences they've already had.
So they don't even want to have a new experience.
Even though it could have been a better experience
than the experiences they have had.

And if anyone interferes with the plans that *I* made, 
then I have to realize that it was the plan *I* made.
And just because *I* have a plan, 
doesn't mean that anyone is on board with MY plan. 
Or has to be... 

And if the truth hurts, it hurts. 
Until it doesn't hurt anymore.

And if I have to know the truth
to be able to walk away, 
then I have to see it. 
Acknowledge it, feel it, and then leave it alone. 

Sometimes telling someone:
"You're not what I want."
Is harsh for them to hear
and hard for most people to hear...
Maybe there are other ways of saying it.

And maybe if we expect too much, 
it's easier to be disappointed. 

The more we want something, 
the more it hurts when we don't get it.

Do I want something half-hearted?
Do I want something that goes nowhere?
Do I want to be with someone who taints
the connection by choosing out of fear?

Does being chosen by someone really matter
if I choose myself?

The only way to free myself is by freeing myself.
And where do I cause fear in people
by reacting badly to things that "make" me feel bad?

Trying to motivate someone
who can't or won't motivate themselves...
Is that what is going to work?
Doing things for people
who won't do it for themselves?

Or could I be with someone
who motivates me by being motivated?
Who shows me how to be motivated....

Who shows me that things can be different
than the way they have always been for me?

A part of me knows that it can be different.
Because things don't have to be the way they've always been. 

And it starts from the inside. 
I can become better 
because I can become something other
than what I have been. 

And if someone isn't happy, 
why would I "make" them happy?

And the real reason I feel sh*tty about not being chosen
is because I don't feel worthy of being chosen. 

If I feel unworthy, does that affect MY choices?
Does that affect the other feelings
and other beliefs I have?
About myself?

Based on experiences I've had
that keep driving the feelings of being "unworthy."

Instead of feeling "not good enough"
for being chosen. 
And maybe I am "good enough"
without being chosen. 

Would I and should I have been chosen
if I was "good enough"?
On theory, maybe. 
Based on the belief that I would have been
or should have been... 

But what tells me that I should have been?
My ego?

"He should have chosen me! I am good enough!"
Should he have?
Maybe based on how I reacted to not being chosen,
maybe he shouldn't have.

And maybe people choose based on 
what and how they think, what they want,
who can "fulfill" them. 
Who can give more or contribute more.
And how they FEEL about someone. 

Maybe had I reacted differently, 
maybe the feelings between him and I 
had maybe even improved... 

And based on his reactions, 
I decided that he was not who I wanted, either. 
Maybe that's not a bad thing. 

So should we have chosen each other?
No. Because we had the choice to
and the choice NOT to. 

The choice was his and the choice was mine. 
The choice wasn't based on what I wanted. 
Just because I wanted something
doesn't mean I should just get what I want.

And that is something a lot of people
have not been taught. 
Because all kinds of feelings come up.
When we don't get what we want. 

And being angry about it, 
isn't going to get us what we want. 

Am I supposed to intimidate someone
into giving me what I want?

Am I supposed to stay somewhere
that I'm not happy staying?

Am I happy feeling stuck in something
that I thought was going somewhere
when it was actually not going anywhere?

Why is making progress so important to me?
And maybe the real progress I need to be making
is with myself, not with someone
who doesn't feel the way I feel. 

Should they feel the way I feel?
No. Because they have the choice
to feel however they feel. 
About whatever, whoever.
Whenever. 

And that should only matter to me
in the fact that it is the truth. 
A truth I must accept. 
To make peace with my experiences.
And with myself. 

So is they shouldn't have to choose me
and shouldn't have to feel the way I feel...
Why do I hope they do?
Why do I want them to?
Is it because I want to feel worthy enough
for them to want what I want?
And does that speak more to my insecurities?

I mean, if I am secure, emotionally... 
Then my feelings should not be based on the choices others make. 
Because it's not up to me to make those choices for them. 
If it was, then I'd have the life I've always wanted. 
But I wouldn't get to learn what it means
not to get what I want. 
Or why I shouldn't have to get what I want. 

Does any of this make sense?

Someone told me:
"Nobody owes us our desired outcome."

It's all about learning the truth. 
And if the truth has a way of coming out, 
then let it come out. 
And why be mad at the truth for being the truth?
It's still the truth no matter how I feel about it.
Should I feel any type of way about it?
Just because I'm used to automatically
feeling a type of way about it?

And sometimes being on our own
and away from certain people
we are too focused on
gives us the time and space to realize things. 
Whether it's through conversations
with people who know more than we do, 
or from reading books, 
or from reflecting and thinking about things... 

If I'm not rejected by most people, 
then how am I supposed to be acceptable to myself?
And if I'm acceptable to myself, 
then what does their rejection
have to say about me?
Does it have to say anything about me?
Does it have to say "A***, he didn't choose you
because he deems you unworthy?"

Maybe it says he's too focused on material things
and superficiality to understand that those things
don't matter and won't fix the hole in his soul. 

Money can't buy love, or a deep connection. 
It can't buy your acceptance of yourself. 
It can't buy your self-regard and self-respect. 

And I can't say that there is a such thing as love at first sight. 
Because there are other attractor factors beyond physical attraction.
Beyond sexual attraction... 

And if someone's going to choose someone else
based on those factors, they are overlooking other factors. 

But what if those factors are all that matter to a person?
Then, I guess those boxes get checked off
and other boxes don't. 

If there aren't other boxes, 
it doesn't matter if they get checked off. 

But deep down, they may feel that something else is missing. 
Maybe there's something in someone
that nobody else seems to have.
Some quality that others don't have... 

And maybe subconsciously, that's the missing piece. 
And maybe we can develop qualities over time. 
If we are motivated to do so. 
If we motivate ourselves to cultivate ourselves. 
How are we supposed to cultivate ourselves
if we're around people who don't want to cultivate themselves?

It's a private practice. 
And being alone does not have to feel or be lonely. 
And getting involved with someone out of loneliness
and staying with someone to avoid being alone
aren't great reasons for getting involved
or staying. 

And maybe if we reflect on the situations that WE put OURSELVES in, 
it might shine the light on WHY we put ourselves in it to begin with...

Out of fear? Are our choices out of fear?
Afraid of what could happen if we leave?
But what could happen if we stayed?
Are we opening up to better opportunities?

If we think: "I stayed for this long, I'm so invested in this..."
And it's a sh*show, dumpster fire... 
Does it matter how long you've stayed?
Or how much you invested into it?
If it does... WHY DOES IT?

If we feel so unworthy
that we don't think we are worth more, 
let alone feel we are worth more... 
How are we ever going to have more?
And why settle for partiality?
Why settle for being worth it, sometimes?

But we have to see what is worth it, to us, 
and what is not.
And if someone can't see that, 
how does that affect their choices?
How does that affect the decisions they make?

Maybe doing the very hard things for ourselves
is worth it in the long run. 
Investing into ourselves... 
Instead of investing so much into others
who aren't investing in themselves, 
let alone investing back into me....

But SHOULD they invest back into me?
No. Because they have the choice. 
If they want to, they will. 
If they don't want to, they won't. 

If the choice reveals that they don't want to.
ASK YOURSELF WHY YOU CONTINUE TO INVEST.

Is it because you think that the more you give to someone...
the more likely it is that you'll get something back?

And if you get nothing back, are you okay with that?
Are you only giving to get something back?
If so, why are you doing that?

Is it because you think you SHOULD get something back?
Just because you GAVE something to someone?

And if you think you should, why do you think you should?
Is it coming from a sense of lack?
A sense of imbalance?
A sense of unworthiness?

And where do these senses come from?
Why do we only focus on the five senses?
When there are other senses we have?
That aren't being taught?

I mean, when we're being taught in school, 
we can only be taught so much. 
Because children only have the capacity 
to understand so much. 

And as we get older, that capacity changes. 
Because we start understanding more and more. 

There are a lot of things that we haven't taken the time to think about. 
So how can we understand the things that we don't think about?

And maybe people come into our lives
to give us things to think about. 
BUT just because we give someone something to think about.
Does not guarantee that they'll think about it.
Doesn't force them to think about it. 
Doesn't mean they'll rethink things. 
Doesn't mean, or guarantee anything. 

Maybe it means you planted a seed. 
If the seeds grow, the seeds grow.

But we have to be aware of what seeds we plant. 
If they are a seed of something we don't want to grow, 
then we ought not to plant that seed. 

And if we plant a certain seed, 
we can't expect something else to grow... 

Here's a type of metaphor:
I went to the gas station to get some ice cream. 
I was thinking: "They should have ice cream
because they usually have ice cream."
I was also thinking: "This is the only place
that would have ice cream at 2am."

But... Here's a some questions....
Should they have ice cream because they usually do?
Should they have ice cream because I think they should?
Should they have ice cream because it was the only place
that I thought would have ice cream?

So, I went there... To get ice cream. 
Due to the storm we had... 
There was no ice cream... 
Because it all melted due to the power outage. 

Should I have gotten upset about this?
Should I have gotten angry? (I didn't).

I expressed to the guy that I had wanted to get some.
And why I wanted to get some.

And he handled everything perfectly. 
He said he could sell me something else, 
gave me some options of things I could buy instead. 

And before that...
He kind of empathized with me...

"I know, sometimes I get a craving for ice cream, too."
"But, I can't make ice cream magically appear.
We haven't got any come in, yet."

He also said that if I still want ice cream, 
I could wait until W*lmart opens, and get it there.

But he said it all as a matter of facts. 
And the truth of the facts is that facts are facts. 

He handled everything like a CHAMP.
And I accepted the facts.
Maybe because he made it easier for me to. 

And some people let their emotions take over. 
And act according to how they feel about something. 
Like getting angry over something they don't need to be angry about. 

If there is acceptance, is there anger?
If there is acceptance, is there pain?
Is there anything other than acceptance?

Yes, there are things that are hard to accept. 
There are things that "shouldn't" accept
yet we have the choice to accept it or not. 

There are things that we don't want to accept. 
Because they are too hard to accept?
Or because we "shouldn't" accept them
even though we have the choice to accept it or not?

I've asked a lot of questions. 
It's up to us to think about the honest answers. 
And ask ourselves things. 

I'm lucky to have someone in my life
who asks me a lot of questions
I have never asked myself. 
And probably wouldn't have if he hadn't asked me. 

And he asks me... Not because HE needs the answers.
He asks me because I need the answers. 

I've thanked him for it because that's what I've needed. 
And he knows that. 
And he's content with knowing that I know
that he's doing it FOR me. 
And that he doesn't have to. 

I don't have to write these posts. 
I could revert back to expressing the feelings
I think I should have based on my experiences. 
We all know, I've done that consistently. 
AD NAUSEM. 
Trying to sort out what I was feeling, 
and why I was feeling that way. 
And trying to justify it all. 
With all the details and facts
of the situations that *I* put myself in. 

Realizing that I am the one
who put myself into that situation... 
Because, at one time, I thought that's what I wanted... 
Even though, it turned out not to be what I thought it was. 
And didn't turn out the way I had wanted... 
DOES NOT HAVE TO MEAN
That it SHOULD have been any different
than the way it was.
No matter how I wanted it to be. 

Sure we can influence people's choices. 
And sometimes others influence people's choices. 
Sometimes how they feel influences their choices. 
Sometimes how they think and what they think
influences their choices. 

There are factors like internal interferences. 
And external interferences. 
If those interferences interfere. 
Is that something I have control over?

Even if I could try to influence someone
not to let those things interfere?

Is my influence enough
Do sway anyone in any way
to think about anything I say or anything I have to say?
They will, if they want to.

Usually, having a deep conversation
gives me a lot to think about. 

Sometimes it's what people say, 
but also how they say it. 

And when we think about the things
that we normally think about, 
we aren't thinking about the things we could be thinking about. 

Not only this... If we think about things
in the way we always thought about them, 
then it does not let us think about things differently. 

So we can think about that.
All the facts and all the truths of all that matters.
All the facts and all the truths of all that doesn't matter.

We can use those things to help us reflect. 
Or we can just not reflect
because we aren't used to reflecting. 
Or thinking any deeper than we usually do. 

If people are not capable of thinking deeper, 
are they going to think deeper?

Or do they build the ability and capacity to think deeper
when they've finally thought about the things
they "should" have been thinking 
when they acted the way they acted, 
or reacted the way they reacted... 
Or when they allowed themselves to be consumed by how they felt. 

One sure way to think deeper is to listen to those
who think deeper. 

Listen to facts we haven't considered before. 
Listen to the truths and the things we think are true, 
but aren't actually true. 

Just because we think something is true, 
doesn't make it true. 

I've learned that the hard way so many times. 
I thought it was true, but was shown otherwise. 

Just because we want to trust someone, 
doesn't make them worthy of our trust.

Just because we think something or want something
is or to be the case
doesn't mean it is or has to be.

Often people don't get what it means
and what it doesn't mean

and when we confront them on
what it actually means or doesn't mean
even if it's true, 
they'll argue for their beliefs. 

Unless they change their own minds. 
I can't change anyone's mind for them. 
I can't heal anyone for them. 
I can't do all the inner work for someone else. 
I can't repair the damage someone has endured. 

I can only ask questions. 
Speak on the things I'm learning. 
And be happy that I'm finally learning
instead of thinking I still know everything. 
People who think they know everything, 
actually don't know everything. 
People who refuse to learn, won't learn. 

And people who need to be taught different, differently, 
will only learn different, differently. 
And it's not up to US to teach them. 

If they have to learn how to reflect, and think about things.
Then they have to learn that. 
They also have to learn that it matters how we think. 
And how we look at things. 

Because if we see things a certain way
and keep looking at things in that way, 
how are we going to see things any differently?

I know this. In my 20s, I had a very narrow point of view.
I was always consumed with my emotions. 
Drinking to try to sedate myself 
wasn't opening my mind. 

Drinking to try to control my feelings
wasn't the way to control my feelings. 
How can we have any sense of control
if all we think having control is
expecting to get what we want
all because we want what we want?

But a lot of people are too lazy to think, reflect... 
Because reflecting doesn't come easy. 

Does it have to hurt that we thought something that wasn't true?
Does it have to hurt that the gas station doesn't have ice cream?
Does it have to hurt that someone wants someone else?

Or do we just let something we thought was true not be true?
Do we let the gas station not have ice cream?
Do we let someone want someone else?

We can let those because they are allowed to be. 
Who are we to disallow what is to be what is?

"That horse isn't allowed to be a horse!"
"I will not allow that thing to be what it is!"
"I won't allow that fact to be a fact!"
"I won't allow the case to be the case!"

"Because I want it to be
something other than what it is!"

But wanting ice cream from the gas station at 2am...
Doesn't mean the gas station has ice cream at 2am
if the gas station doesn't have ice cream. 

It doesn't mean that it won't, eventually. 
It doesn't mean that it has to. 
It doesn't mean it should. 
It doesn't mean that I have to get what I want. 
No matter how much I want it.

Is it the end of the world if I wasn't chosen?
Is it the end of the world if the gas station doesn't have ice cream?

No? So it doesn't have to feel as though it is.
Because it isn't.