If They Stayed

If people who we wanted to have in our lives
had stayed in our lives...
Would we focus on certain things?
Or would they be the focus?

The thing is if we focus on people, 
and make them the focus, 
then we aren't focusing on other things. 

And if being alone
gives us the space to refocus and rethink things, 
then maybe it is better to be alone. 

Instead of relying on someone else
for our emotional stability... 

Someone I was talking to today... 
We were talking about habits. 
And that habits can be hard to break. 

I had some habits that I broke. 
But there are other habits that are very hard to break. 

He said that he was working for a landscaping company
that were strict on punctuation, for good reason, 
so it drove it home to him, to become punctual. 

Sometimes people need to know WHY 
to be motivated to make the change. 

Sometimes we have to make a point of something
for others to get the point of it. 

And sometimes people will refuse to see the point. 
Because the facts conflict with something they want. 

Another point someone made today
was that it's so much easier to make a decision
when we aren't being bombarded with a million different things
in a short amount of time. 

And it's hard to make good choices 
when we're bombarded, period. 

Even the bombardment is an interference, 
or the influence. 

And why should I bombard people
with what I want?
With my desires?

Why ask and keep asking?
Why do I think my investments do the asking for me?
And if the answer is no, the answer is no. 
Does wanting the answer to be yes
make the answer yes?
Does it make it have to be yes?
It does not have to be yes. 
We don't have to say yes to every request. 

The other night I was offered money
for a "private show."
I didn't take that offer because I didn't have to. 
I didn't have to want to. 
Even if I need the money. 
I don't need it enough to do a "private show."
Just for someone else's enjoyment. 
Would I enjoy it?
Would I feel good about selling myself like that?
Would they expect me to keep doing it
if I did it once?

And just because you do something ONCE
does not mean you should be expected to do it more than once. 

And when people expect you to do something
just because they asked you to do it 
doesn't mean you should do it. 
And doesn't mean you have to do it. 
It only means they want you to do it. 
And if they don't get what they want
it's not the end of the world. 

Because a lot of people
who expect to get what they want
and manipulate people to try to get what they want
have to not get what they want. 
Even if they get upset about it. 
Even if they get mad or sad about it. 

Why should people get what they want
just by expecting to get what they want?
And why should people say yes all the time?
Just to make others happy?

One of the hardest things was to learn to say no. 
And had I just said no to a lot of things, 
my life could be a lot different than it is today. 

Even saying no to myself. 
Not allowing myself to want what I wanted. 
Giving myself all the reasons why wanting what I think I want
is not reason enough to do, say, act however I want, 
in that moment, and then regret it later. 
When I realize that I made a bad choice. 

Just because something is an option. 
Doesn't mean we have to choose it. 

But, at the same time, 
I'd rather be a choice, not an option. 
And I'd rather be chosen for the right reasons. 
Not just because I look a certain way, 
or because I can provide something
that someone else wants from me. 
Or for a variety of other reasons... 

Doing a "private show" for money
was an option because it was presented to me. 
But it was also an option to say no. 

Often we say yes without wanting to say yes.
But if we don't want to say yes, why say yes?

To try to avoid the 'consequences' of saying no?

I don't want to be in ANY situation
where there are consequences for saying no
when the answer should be no. 

Anyway, my point was
that you don't have to say yes
just because someone wants you to say yes. 

And that has been a hard one for me. 
Especially realizing that if you do say yes, 
even once, they will expect you to say yes again.
And again and again.
And try to guilt you into saying yes. 
I know because I've been around people
who are very manipulative. 
And who like to manipulate people
to get what they want. 

Yes, I allowed myself to be manipulated. 
I don't have to allow myself to be manipulated. 

And it is a hard habit to break. 
The habit of allowing yourself to do things
that you don't have to do. 

And that is an entirely different post. 
I've allowed myself to do things
that I don't have to do. 
But why I allowed myself to do it
and why I thought I had to
are two different things. 

Like "This thing happened to me."
"How I interpreted it made me feel a type of way."

Do I have to feel that way?
Or could I have interpreted it in another way?

Could I look at it in another way?
Could I think about it in another way?
Yes. 

Do I have to? No, but I could. 
The option is there. 
The choice is there. 

We have so many options and choices
that we aren't talking about, let alone thinking about. 

And a lot of the time, I didn't think or feel I had a choice
or much of a choice, in a lot of areas of my life. 
Especially emotionally. 

"This feels like this. There is no other way to feel about it."
Is there not? Or is there?
Just because this "should" feel like this... 
Or that "should" feel like that...
Doesn't mean it has to. 

Or think it should feel like this... Or that. 

Someone was arguing that the way we feel about something
is a result of a chemical reaction. 

But it's actually based on interpretation. 
What we tell ourselves that it means. 
This means that... 
That means this...

Someone showed me a commercial today
where a woman was getting looks from everyone
and got on the train, and these guys were trying to impress her. 

The commercial was for a thing where you can input
someone's number with some app thing. 

But when the woman got off the train, 
she realized she wasn't wearing pants
and that's why she was getting all those looks. 

Anyway, it got me thinking about things. 
1) what makes a guy want to impress a girl?

The thing that came up with the commercial
was that my friend said:
"You'd think she'd notice that she wasn't wearing pants"
And then I said "If you believe you are wearing pants, 
you don't think to make sure if you are or aren't."

It goes deeper than just pants. 
If you believe you are right, 
you don't think to make sure if you are.
You aren't even open to the fact that maybe you aren't. 
And that you don't have to be right, or wrong. 

Arguing seems to be more about who is right
and who is wrong. 
Instead of discussing what we think is right and wrong. 

And if someone does not see any wrong in anything they do, 
they won't be open to listening to anything
that indicates that what they did was wrong. 

I used to be like that. 
I didn't want people pointing out 
that what I was doing was wrong, 
because I felt bad and I didn't want to feel bad. 
So I wouldn't face any of the things
that I should have felt bad about
and that I still feel bad about. 
Even though I can't change anything I ever did. 

I know better than to do those things. 
And knew better then, too. 
I just didn't care enough not to. 
I can't say I cared enough about things I should have cared about. 
I did a lot of things without thinking. 

And others can judge me for not thinking. 
I judge myself all the time for not thinking. 
And for thinking about the wrong things. 
For the wrong reasons. 

And you all know those wtf moments. 
Where people are like "Wtf were you thinking?"

And we compare our choices to the choices others make. 

And I think, sometimes, it could have been worse. 
I could have been worse than I was. 

But I also could have been better. 
Much, much, much better. 

Had I been better, I would have chosen better. 
I would have done better. 
I wasn't at the level where I was better 
than the way that I was. 
At that time. 

I've had a lot of time to think about things. 
And reflect.

But when we are busy doing so many other things...
Even distracting ourselves with distractions
then we aren't taking the time to think. 
We're only taking the time to distract ourselves. 

Which is why I feel compelled to be on my own. 
And contemplate a lot of things. 

But sometimes the situations we put ourselves in
are meant to teach us some things, too. 

Like how it matters to not get what you want. 
Because it shows us how we react
to not getting what we want. 
And how we don't have to react that way. 

People can change their habits. 
And break their habits. 
Change what they think, how they think about it. 
Change how they see things, and interpret. 
Change how they look at things
and how they look at people... 

I keep thinking that we all think differently. 
How I think differently than I used to think. 
There are still parts of me that revert to things I see
that I need to change about myself. 

And those parts are hard to get to when you don't know what they are. 
That's the key, to changing those parts. 
Knowing what parts they are... 
And why those parts exist... 
Because those are the parts that we created for ourselves.
The reason they are there
gets to unlock them from us. 

The questions are important. 

When I talk to someone I've been talking with... 
It's kind of like therapy. 
I'll say something and he'll ask me something about it. 
Then I come up with an answer...
He'll ask me something about the answer I gave.
Which helps me dig deeper. 
To think about the main topic on a few different levels. 

It kind of helps me see things I hadn't seen before. 
In ways I hadn't seen it before. 

It gives me a lot to think about. 
And the more my mind opens, 
it cannot ever go back to the way that it was... 
But I can't keep the same reactions. 
The anger isn't good. 

The anger for no reason. 
I've acted very badly, a lot of times. 
Wasn't thinking about how I was acting. 
Didn't think about it. 

And that is one of the things
I've taken from reflection. 
Poor actions don't have any thought behind them. 
Easy to make a mistake
when we're not thinking. 
And not checking to see
if we're thinking or not. 

If we don't care enough, will we think?
Or just say we made a lot of mistakes
and not rephrase that as "I f*cked up."
But the saying "Who cares?"
Can be interpreted so many ways...
"Does anyone care? So why should I?"
It's assuming that nobody does
and that we shouldn't... 
But have we all been wrong before?

The more we know, the more we grow. 
That's why it's important to have deep conversations. 
With people who think deeply. 

Often people who think differently, 
can show us things we haven't seen. 

They can explain things by asking questions. 
Because they know what questions to ask. 
And what questions to ask after that. 

I drop things in here that people have told me. 
Sometimes you need to tell people things
that they don't know. 
And sometimes it is easier for them
to come to their own conclusions. 

It's just that when you kind of draw some conclusions
in a way they'll get to it
when they realize something. 

But then you have to already have realized
what you want them to realize. 
But you have to let them realize it
on their own
without them realizing that you got them
to the same conclusion
that you were drawing. 
That you drew them to. 

And I figured that out
by being lead to a few conclusions. 

And that's a very valued skill to have. 
It can be very powerful. 

The power of persuasion. 
But it's so persuasive
because it's so subtle
that it's not really noticed. 

I've allowed that.
Being persuaded. 
Into too many things. 
Without realizing I was being persuaded. 
Because it didn't cross my mind
to check to see if I was or wasn't. 

And the thing is, I don't like it. 
Because it should always be a choice. 
And it always, actually, is.

Like that guy was trying to persuade me
into wanting to do a private show with money.
I'll do this for you, if you do that for me. 
And as soon as you've agreed
you've been persuaded. 

What does it take to be persuaded?
What does it take to be persuasive?

That comes from the HOW you do things. 
The methodology. 

You can use words in such a way... 
That is an art form. 

And the art of knowingness. 
We all start without knowing
what we came to know. 

But we didn't know it
until we knew it. 

And the more we see, the more we know...

Back when I was in my 20s... 
Like I said, I saw things a certain way. 
But I still lacked the vision 
to see anything any differently. 

When other people started opening my eyes, 
and I started opening my eyes, 
the more I saw and realized. 

And it's like being a mostly different person. 
I say mostly because until we completely change, 
we're mostly different. 

I see a lot of what I can work on changing about myself. 
A long time ago, I wasn't considering it. 
I wasn't considering a lot of things. 

Even looking at myself
long enough to see anything. 

And the things I saw, 
that I didn't like, I wouldn't face it
long enough to look at it, 
long enough to see anything. 

And a lot of people don't want to look
because they are too afraid of what they'll see. 
And they don't want to see it. 
So they don't want to look at it. 
And they don't know or see why they should. 
They don't know or see the benefits of doing that.
Until they see it and know it. 
And knowing is understanding. 

Understanding and doing are two different things. 
Listening and doing are two different things. 

And explaining something to someone
who doesn't understand... 
"I can explain it to you, but can't understand it for you."

People can't really tell what you know
or how much you know by looking at you.

If they could, a lot more people might be respected. 

Anyway, I had to stop being around some people. 
They aren't all bad people. 
Some have traits that either they know they have
or don't see that they have... 
And I need the time and space to work on the traits I have. 
Because I'm allowed to cultivate myself. 
As is everyone... 

And the people who can help us cultivate ourselves
are the people who have learned how to cultivate themselves. 

We can let culture cultivate us, 
or we can cultivate ourselves. 

And what I've learned is that there are many different cultures. 
Lots of traits are cultivated. 

I was trying to say that cultivating ourselves has a lot of different aspects. 
Surface aspects, subsurface aspects... 
It goes so much deeper
than surface and subsurface. 

And most people aren't taught to look very deep. 
It's easier to be surface level. 
Because it requires no effort. 
Thinking requires effort. 
Communicating requires effort. 
So many things require effort. 

And those who can't be bothered... 
Why should they be bothered?
"Don't bother me with making an effort"
But when we are doing things for ourselves, 
beyond the basics, 
beyond taking care of ourselves... 
On surface level things... 

It still takes a lot for me to make an effort for myself. 
And what I wanted was for others to make an effort for me. 
To care enough to make an effort. 
And when they weren't, it showed they didn't care. 
So then I say, why keep making the effort
if they don't care that you do?

Development is one aspect of cultivation. 
Progress, programming...  

I keep just thinking today... 
And the questions in my mind... 

How can I reprogram my mind
to think "like this"
instead of "like that"

Changing your mind... 
Helping other people change their mind. 
But you have to realize
that people have to be ready to change their mind. 
Many people I've talked with
and had deep conversations with
tell me things that I've considered. 

Being considerate isn't something that is taught. 
It ought to be, and is taught by those
who know how to teach. 

The best teachers are those who teach us
in ways that make us not realize that we're being taught. 
When we learn from a conversation
it makes it easier to learn. 

Because I remember the things people have told me.
Mostly because I thought about those things. 
Had I not thought about those things, 
I probably would not remember.

Some things are so meaningful
and so profound that you think about it, a lot.

And as you think about it, 
other things start to cross your mind. 

And then, if you are able, you start to realize things. 
About the things that cross you mind. 
When you're thinking. 

Why do so many people think about so little?
We tend to habitually think about the things
that we habitually think about. 

And if we're in a habit of not thinking, 
just reacting...  Then we aren't in control of ourselves. 
We let the reaction happen. 
Instead of looking at how we are behaving. 

It's easier to blame others for their behavior
than look at our own...
Why is that? 
Is it because most people
don't want to feel shame?

And every feeling, there is a sense of it. 
Because it is a sensation. 
What is the sense of it?
Not the sense of feeling it, 
the actual sense of something. 

What does sense even mean?
What does it mean to get a sense of something?
What is the sense of the sense?
What is sensibility?

What goes through people's minds?
I've often wondered. 
Of all the people I've had deep conversations with, 
I've had the chances to ask them deep questions
and when I realized, the opportunity wasn't there. 

A lot of the time, we can't see we have the opportunity. 
And we don't take what we can't see... 

Not being able to see things, 
is different from not trying to. 

Because a lot of the time, 
when we try to see something....
We can catch at least a glimpse of it. 

When my friend told me that I'm misdirecting my power...
It made me think that I'm probably not looking
where I will find something that I need to look at.

Looking inside is where we find some things
that we didn't know was there.
And we don't know why it's there.
When we see it there...
"What's this doing here?"
And we get to do something with it.

But if we don't, the opportunity isn't taken. 
Do people want the opportunity?
To look inside themselves?
So deeply that they see the facts
of how their mind operates?
And see and know how it could operate?

But it's mostly misdirecting their power
and most people can't see the power they have
and they don't know how to use it. 
To reach way beyond our current selves. 
Our current states. 

And people have different mentalities. 
If someone asked you "what's your mentality?"
How would you answer that?

How would you describe your mentality?
In what terms? With what terms?
If you haven't taken the time
to think about your mentality, 
how would you be able to describe it?

How would you be able to describe
anything you haven't thought about?

But what about false descriptions? 
If we mistake something in our thinking... 
How accurate is the description?

And can things be described by thought alone?
Or is the description a thought about it?
In the form of a description?