I Used To Be

There's some stuff going on, but not a lot. 
Been trying to get out a bit more. 
So I have a thing for Tuesday nights. 

I gotta try to fill my days up with things to do. 
And that healing stuff, I've needed to do that for a long time. 
It's just that it's been so much pain that it's overwhelming. 
And I'm sure a lot of people can relate to that. 

But if I don't start to process it, it'll just build up and build up. 
Like it was before, but there's always a breaking point...
Or do I let myself crack under pressure?

A lot of the things that have been very frustrating for me. 
Are things that are showing me that I need to have more patience. 
With those things, with other people, with myself, too. 
I look at all the times I lost my patience
and it was to teach me some things. 
About those things and about other things... 

I keep feeling all these things under the surface... 
All kinds of mixed feelings and it's intense, 
and it feels uncomfortable. 

It's really hard to even put it into words... 
But until I find a way to deal with these issues, 
I don't feel like I'll be comfortable with myself. 

Even with all kinds of plans, life happens. 
A lot of things happened to me that were not part of "the plan."
A friend told me that those things didn't happen TO me, 
those things happened FOR me. 
To show me certain things. About myself, about life. 

Had my heart closed for a long time. 
Because it was just a DEEP well of PAIN. 
And I didn't want to feel that. At all. Anymore. 
Nobody wants to feel that. 
And a lot of people hide it. Well. 
Or deal with it. Somehow. 

But I used drugs and alcohol to suppress it. 
Which didn't work. Because it doesn't. 
It took me a long time to realize that. 
A lot of people might not ever realize that. 
Shoving it down only makes it stronger. 
A lot of people might not ever realize that, either. 

It took me a lot and a long time to realize those things. 
There's still a lot to be seen and to know. 
Instead of trying to distract myself from these emotions
that keep coming up...

And a lot of the things I know, I can't even really put into words. 
Because it just sounds crazy and most people don't talk about it. 

And I look crazy when I talk about it. 
Mostly because I have a hard time expressing things verbally. 
But also because most people are stuck in the 3D.
And there's more in higher dimensions. 
THERE'S 10 of them. 
DIMEnsions... 

And when most people are immature... 
We all are, at some level. 
We all have to learn things to LEVEL UP.
I'm still learning every day. 

Learning about patience, forgiveness... 
And there are some things that I had a really hard time forgiving. 
And things I might not be forgiven for.... 
Things I have to forgive myself for... 

I thought back when I was 14 and someone gave me CRACK.
I was curious, I tried it. A couple of times. 
Then I told someone who said to me:
"Go and get your things, you're coming with me."
And I was really sick getting off the drugs, but he helped me through it.
Because of that opportunity he gave me, 
I keep thinking that others need the opportunity that was given to me. 

But at the same time, I keep finding myself drained. 
Emotionally, spiritually, by people
who don't know how to balance themselves out. 
Been around people who were literally sucking the energy out of me. 
And for whatever reason, due to their own insecurities, 
were trying to make me shrink myself
to make them feel comfortable around me. 
Which made me feel uncomfortable around them... 

It's hard to explain that, but that's why I had to stop
being around certain people. 

Anyway, about being 14....
The guy who gave me that...
I was thinking about him and then I saw him. 
I haven't seen him for 24 years...
But I knew it was him. 
I don't think he knew it was me. 

Anyway, I'm not mad at him. 
It was just an experience. 
He crossed my path for a reason. 
The guy who helped me get off drugs was in my life for a reason. 
Pretty much everyone who crossed my path...
There was a reason for it. 

But also a reason that I must stick to myself, 
until I'm ready to make a real, lasting, connection. 

And that may be a long time... 
I might not ever really feel that again, 
but that's not really the feeling I'm reaching for. 

I used to be in love with the idea of being in love. 
Because it was supposed to be and feel wonderful. 
But the more I relied on someone else, 
to feel that feeling that was so evasive... 
The less I felt that. 

I felt unappreciated, unwanted, unloved... 
For a really long time. 

And I knew "love" existed. 
And it just felt like it was not meant for me. 
I used to get mad when I saw others in "love."
Mad that I couldn't have that in my life. 
But being mad about it wasn't changing anything. 

Someone told me that I get angry when I don't get what I want.
I had a lot of time to think about it.
I knew it was true, but didn't realize to what degree...

There were so many things that I couldn't realize
because I could not see those things
or the truth about those things.

A lot of people can't see the truth about themselves.
I'm still learning about myself. 
About how and why things are.

And I meet people at different levels. 
And I'm blown away, but realize that there are reasons
that they are who and how they are.

I'm not the person I used to be.
I'd like to think I've come a ways from then.
But I know people are thinking I'm still the way
I used to be....

There's more than what we can see.
A lot more, but I always thought
that it was my imagination. 
Until I started seeing some things...
Still hard to explain this stuff...