These Days

So I have to recover from some things. 
Many people have their things to recover from. 
I spoke to someone who told me that they are 
really hurting inside. 

I can kind of relate to that, in my own ways. 
The only thing is that I know I need to do something about it. 
Taking medication isn't going to just 'be the answer'
for the rest of my life. 
There are different things to look at, in different ways. 

Sometimes, when we see something
a way we never looked at it before...
We tend to see other things differently, too. 

I have to remember to remind myself of things. 
"Being upset about how unfair it is, 
doesn't make it fair."

And all kinds of other things. 
A lot on my mind lately, a lot of pain. 

In many areas of my life... 
And I don't really think anyone really understands
how much it hurts or even why it hurts. 
So those parts aren't really worth mentioning. 
I mean, if people actually understood... Maybe. 

And I've heard others say: "You're just feeling sorry for yourself."
Am I? Do they say that to everyone who's in pain?
A pain they don't understand?

That would just be some 'logical reason.'
"You're just feeling sorry for yourself."
So if anyone feels hurt, ever....
Does that just mean they're feeling sorry for themselves?

Sometimes I thought that it could be a bruised ego thing. 
Like "I feel that I should be treated better than this."
And when others are being treated better than I'm being treated,
I get mad because "Why them? Why not me?"
And I keep thinking about what someone told me.
He said "you get mad when you don't get what you want."

I do want to be treated better. By most people in my life.
They often don't see that I go above and beyond for them
and don't actually appreciate what I do for them. 
As long as they get what they want...
But I often don't get what I want. 

For the most part, I don't want anything over the top. 
What I've wanted, all this time, are things that can't be bought. 
I'm not the kind of girl who can be bought. 
Expensive things don't impress me. 
I want things that money can't buy. 

Like some heartfelt conversations. 
Tell me how you feel about me.
Show me how you feel about me. 

And I should have let people's actions speak for themselves.
Because they have. Many times. 
And for whatever reason, I kept trying.
To mean something to them.
Even when it was clear that I didn't mean anything to them.
Like I was only good for certain things
that they came to expect from me, and nothing more.

And pretty much the only thing I came to expect
was for people to switch up on me.
Because I go from "this" to "that" pretty fast. 
And it does not feel good, at all.

I've been mad at myself for accepting sh*t from people.
Sh*t I shouldn't have accepted.
Because it's unacceptable. 
And doesn't show that I actually have respect for myself. 
Putting up with sh*t I shouldn't be putting up with...

My self-esteem took so many dives
because people didn't feel or think I was worth more. 
So they did less than the bare min for me. 
All the while I kept trying to do whatever
to try to "make" them happy. 

And it's not about anyone "making" me happy. 
I'd be happy with some pretty basic stuff. 

And it's coming to a point where I have to do the things
that fulfill me emotionally, 
because I know that most people are only about
fulfilling their own emotional needs. 
And forgetting that I have feelings, too. 

Also, lately, I feel like peace of mind is really important to me. 
I find it very hard to come by, these days.