Back To Being A Hermit

There are plenty of days where I don't leave my apartment. 
I'll get enough food to last me a week or so and just stay here. 
Write a bit, play guitar a bit... 

Got lots of books to work through 
and things to contemplate. 

Been doing the recycling thing a bit here and there. 
It's just a bit of extra money. Pretty much.

There are worse ways to make money. 
I don't want to do illegal things. 
Even if I was hurting pretty bad for money. 
I know there are people who don't give a crap
and they'll lie to get whatever they want. 

So I can't respect that and that's not what I'd do. 
I'd rather tell the truth. 

And rather have the truth told to me. 

Because once someone lies
I have to wonder what else they are lying about.
I don't want to be with anyone like that. 

Just been really tired lately. 
And I have to try to trust
that things will work out. 
And things will happen when things are ready to happen. 
I can't fill holes in my soul with material things
or with people out of loneliness or whatever. 
Being physically attracted to someone
isn't a good enough reason to get involved with anyone. 

If they are ready and willing to invest into me, 
that's different. 
But I have to be ready and willing, too. 

I need to adjust and grow through my stuff. 
But I don't need any secrets to be kept from me. 
That makes me wonder about what else is going on. 
And that f*cks with my head too much. 
Why is it so hard to trust?

Why is it that I find guys around here
who don't know who or what they want?
Who can't see me for me?

Even though I've been hurt a billion times, 
if I hold onto the pain, it'll just hurt more. 

And why do people think it's okay to hurt me?
But why do I let it hurt?

I asked myself that tonight.
"Why do I let it hurt?"
Haven't really figured out why I do. 

But I have to find the strength to heal myself. 
Because no amount of stupid one night stands
or whatever is going to help me feel better. 
I have to just let myself feel better. 

I can't unless I let myself. 
I figured that out a while back. 
I can't feel good unless I let myself feel good. 

I know that there are things that don't feel good, though. 

And I don't need to want to be with someone
who doesn't know if they want me or someone else.
If it is a choice between me and someone else, 
choose someone else.
Because if they wanted me, they'd choose me. 

That was pretty much what Tinkerbell said to Peter Pan.
To choose Wendy. 
Because if it was a choice between the two, 
choose the other. 

I don't want to be some opportunity
someone passes up
because they can't see that they have an opportunity. 

Go ahead, pass me up. I'm okay with that. 
If you're happy with whatever you choose, 
then go be happy. 

I have other things to do other than think about
"my love life." Or lack thereof. 

If something is meant to be, it'll be.
And like I said, I have a bunch of other things to do. 
To keep myself busy. 

And I can work on myself
without trying to make things work
with someone who doesn't want to work on themselves. 
And doesn't want to work on things with me.

I've compromised things with myself
for a chance with someone
who wouldn't take the chance on me. 

But anyway... That's life. 
Not everyone is going to be interested 
in having something with me. 
And that's not what I want, anyway. 
I'd rather be with someone who is happy to be with me. 
Who is compatible with me. 
Less issues or problems, or conflicts. 
Nothing to worry about or wonder about. 
No secrets kept from me or from them. 
Just enjoying each others' company. 
Learning and growing together. 

But lots to do on my own, 
before I even think about being with anyone. 
I have to get right with myself. 
Figure myself out. 

I thought I was ready, but I'm not. 
Even if Mr. Right came into my life, 
would I be right for him?

What boxes do I check off?

But really, who even knows me well enough
to really know what I have to offer?
Let alone, who would appreciate any good qualities I have?

Maybe my qualities are for me to appreciate. 
Not that I think I'm too good for anyone. I don't.
Not that I think I'm the best, ever. I'm not.

Why do I even think about having a partner?
It's not that I'm lonely. I'm not.
I have my books. I chat with a few people online. 
I have my things to do and to learn. 
I realize that there are things best done on my own. 
It took a few years of wanting to be with the wrong people.
It wasn't that I've been asking for too much.
It was that I wasn't asking the right person. 

Sometimes, I'd like to have assurance.
Sometimes, I'd like certainty.

Not to be left hanging.
Not to be taken for granted.

With the right person, you don't have to wonder or worry.
That's about it...
And that is hard to find these days.

Anyway, plenty of time to just do other things.
Better to be alone than be with someone
who doesn't know what or who they want. 
Who isn't ready...

But when they pass me up
for someone they aren't happy with...
I don't know what to say about that...

Just tired of meeting the wrong guys, 
but what attracts me to that?

And when I know that I can do better...
Why do I stay and hope it gets better?

Again, not that I think I'm too good for anyone.
I don't want to settle for someone
who isn't investing in me.

But if they don't want me, they don't have to have me.
That pretty much sums it up.

And like I keep saying... I have my things to learn. 
Like playing things cool. 
And keeping my cool. 
Getting over things, trying to enjoy life. 
Releasing the past. 
Stop dwelling on it. 

Someone who listens. 
Someone who's not looking for a fling...
That'd be cool. 
Someone who can admit when they are wrong... 

Anyway, that'd be cool. 

I have to raise my standards, though. 
For myself and for anyone I get involved with. 

Worn my heart on my sleeve for too long. 
Got my heart broken a zillion times. 

Anyone I get involved with will have to show me. 
And that's that. But I have to just live my life. 
As I see fit. It doesn't have to make sense to anyone. 
Or to everyone. 
Because it's MY life. I get to live it.
And I'm the one who I'm living it for. 

Anyway, not a lot going on
that I find important enough to write about. 

But I need to figure things out, on my own. 
I have to stop having having hope
for things that aren't coming around. 
Because if someone wants to do something, they'll do it. 
Without leaving me confused, hurt, tired, hoping for nothing. 

Just been tired of all of that.
So why stick around for any of that. 
Especially when they can't see anything wrong
with anything wrong with anything they do...

I just need to release the past.
Get over some things. Keep it rolling... 

Maybe I'll have something better to write about next time.