Spring Has Sprung

Happy that things are warming up over here. 
Been a long winter. 
It seems like a good time to be optimistic. 
I have to "reach" for the feeling I want to have. 
And pretend that things are ideal even when they aren't. 
I sometimes feel like that's being ignorant of reality, 
but the more I focus on the pain, the more it hurts. 
That is why paramedics sometimes try to distract people
from their major injuries, so they don't freak out
and go into complete shock. 

"Stay calm."
"Don't worry."
"You'll be okay."

Freaking out doesn't help. 
And when you're angry, freaking out doesn't help.

And usually people get mad when they don't get what they want. 
Someone pointed that out to me. 
And it's something I must remember. 
And it's okay not to get what I want. 
It's nothing to get mad about. 
Even when it's not "fair."

Destiny can meet us halfway. 
Some of it is within our control, 
Some of it isn't,
and some of it is supposed to be as it is. 

And I realized I have to take care of myself. 
Make myself a priority, in my life. 
Nobody seems to make me a priority in theirs. 
Not that I really wanted them to, 
just to consider me. 

Every time I get hurt, I get angry. 
Because it hurts and why hurt me?

And how hard is it to have an honest conversation
about the facts? A heart to heart?
To make things right?
Really, how hard is it?
To do the right thing?
For the right reasons?

First of all, I am tired. 
Of feeling used, then discarded. 
Trying so hard, for no appreciation...
To be taken for granted... 

And once you're avoided, no point in trying. 

"If they don't appreciate your presence, 
let them appreciate your absence."

If they want to act stupid, they can act stupid on their own. 
NOT that I didn't act stupid from time to time, 
and NOT that I did or said things 
that wasn't going to get me the results I wanted. 
And when someone does NOT want to take responsibility
for the things they did, there's no making them do it. 
They'll only do it when they want to do it. 
Otherwise they won't. 
I didn't always do it. It took me a long time. 
When I was ready to, it was kinda late for that. 
I kept denying that I was responsible for how I acted and behaved. 
And didn't take responsibility, because I didn't want to. 

Just feel like a lot of things are one-sided 
and that's not what I want. 

I have to focus on the relationship I have
with myself and with the Universe, 
and forget trying to have a romantic relationship. 
Most guys are not attracted to me, anyway. 
The last guy wanted me to look like his ex
and accidentally called me by her name a few times. 

Just a bunch of sh*t like that. 

Just want to be happy and if that means being alone
and not putting up with other people's sh*t. 
And just enjoy myself. On my own. 

I do miss intimacy... 
Not physical intimacy... 
Just openness, honesty, heart to heart talks. 
All of that.  
If I wanted to just f*ck, many guys are down for that. 
And they'd just toss me like I'm nothing
when they get what they want from me. 

I'm tired of being with people
who only think about themselves and what they want, 
who don't consider me and what I need. 
I don't need/want to fulfill people's desires. 
when I just needed to trust. 
I don't need/want the moon and the stars. 
I don't need/want the world. 

Just want things to be fair. 
Balanced. 50/50. 
A two way street, not a one way street. 
When they get what they want and I get shat on. 
Like I'm only good for certain things... 

And no, I don't have a "great" body. 
I am not physically attractive. 
I have a personality disorder. 
I have some mental illness. 

But whenever I do my best, it's not good enough. 
They just want more and more and more
and it's never enough... 

So they go find someone else
who can and will give them everything they want. 

Because they get mad at me 
when I stop indulging them. 

When they can't/won't do the basic things for me... 
Like consider me...

Doesn't matter, I guess. 
Not everyone has the capacity to even understand
that it's not all about THEM
and what THEY want, ALL the time. 

And I know it's not ALL about ME. 

There were a lot of times I was so selfish
that I couldn't see how selfish I was being... 

Just... It's been frustrating. 
And I'm not getting any younger... 

Do I have to wait until I'm old?
To find someone mature?

But why "find" someone?
I met someone when I wasn't looking... 
And where did that go? Nowhere. 

But I have to branch out on my own
and have my own back, 
and care about myself, 
spend my money on myself. 

It's not about what I want, it's about what I need. 
Tried so long and so hard to be good enough
for guys who could never "see" me. 
Who don't care, never did. 
Only wanted me around to use me, 
but I let them. That's my fault. 
I should have respected myself enough to walk away. 
When it started happening. 
And let them realize why.
On their own. Without having to explain myself. 
If they can't figure it out, then why explain it?

"I can explain it to you, but can't understand it for you."

It's like I was so mad at them for not trying. 
That when they did try,
I was still mad at them for the times they weren't. 
Instead of appreciating the effort they did make... 
And mad that they didn't appreciate the efforts I made. 
They only saw when I stopped making the effort. 

And when they push me away, that's their choice. 
Probably because I got mad at them
for not taking responsibility for their actions.
But getting mad at them for not taking responsibility
for their actions
isn't going to make them take responsibility
for their actions. 

So... Why get mad?
If they want to, they will. 
If they want to fix things, they will. 
If they want to make the effort, they will. 
If they want to be better and do better, they will. 

I don't want to have to teach anyone how I want to be treated. 
They should already know. 
Even though they can't read my mind... 

But when it's time to have a conversation, 
it's time to have a conversation... 

Instead of having that conversation... 
They'd rather run away and "ghost" me. 
And pretend I don't exist. 

But why am I a bad person
for wanting to have that conversation?
For asking questions?
For wanting honest answers?
For wanting honesty and loyalty?
For wanting to trust someone?
For wanting to love and be loved?

But someone brought up some secret fear
of being alone... 
It's not that I am afraid of being alone. 
Been alone for years. 
Because every time I got hurt,
I didn't want to try again. 
I didn't want to be with anyone. 

It's like wanting to be with someone
was a distraction from other things
I'm supposed to be doing for myself, 
like learning certain things...

I can tell when things aren't right
because they don't feel right. 

And when I feel like it's time to go, 
it's time to go. 
But even when it's time to go, I stay. 
And I don't know why. 
Why I cling onto hope...
Because just because I hope something will happen, 
doesn't mean it will. 
So why cling onto hope?
Why stay when it's time to go?
Why try harder when nobody sees how hard I try?
Why try harder when they can't see
that the things I do for them, I do for THEM?
And that I don't HAVE to do?

Why wait for someone to change
when they don't want to?

Why stay when people want to play games?
With my head and my heart?
And why give them another opportunity
to do what they were doing to me?
To play with me some more?
Why do that?

Why keep giving to those who just want to take?
And they give to someone else?
And they become or stay involved with someone
who just gives them money to stay with them?

I don't even know why I do anything for people
when they don't value me or what I do.
They don't do what they say they will.

I just pulled a card:
"Under his teaching, every relationship
becomes a lesson in love."

"Whenever you are not joyous, 
it is because you have reacted
with a lack of love."

I can still pray for those who don't pray for me.
Even if they want my demise.

And then when I look back at things, 
I have to ask myself: "Is THIS what I want?"
"Is THIS really what I want?"
"No? Then why did I want that?"

When I look back on things I really wanted...
Why did I want those things?

Like major crushes I used to have?
What was it that attracted me to them?
Especially when they had/have little to nothing to offer me?
But... Am I hanging around to try to get
whatever I can get from someone? No. 

"Your patience with others 
is the patience you have with yourself."

I used to get so mad at myself
because I didn't have patience with myself. 
I just wanted to be able to do what I wanted to do
even though there are a lot of skills
that need to be developed. 
They don't just come naturally... 
We can't just acquire skills
just by getting mad at ourselves
for not being able to do something. 
No matter how much we want to just be able to do it.

"Seek not outside yourself. 
The search implies you're not whole within."
How true that is... 

Another one...
"If you don't go within, you go without."

How many people are not going within?
How many people are stuck on what they don't have?

I can't go back to things that were not meant for me.
Others' inner demons, are theirs, not mine. 
I have my own inner issues. 
I was too distracted by people who are not for me
to do what I need to do for myself. 
If they lied to me once, they'll lie and lie and lie, 
even when I catch them in their lies. 

I was neglected my self-love by trying to love others
who could not love me.

So maybe it's time to give my love to myself. 

Like how am I supposed to expect someone
who needs to grow up
to just grow up?

When they want me to be perfect, 
and they realize I'm not, 
they want someone who they think is perfect. 
And they get disappointed by the person
they thought was better than you... 

I can't help people deal with their issues
if they are not ready to deal with their issues.

Anyway, I ought to go for a walk tonight.