Back Through The Comments

Tonight, I looked back on the comments I got on this blog over the years.
I've come a long way from when I first started, I guess. 

Back when I first started, I have seen a lot of my emotional issues. 
I guess some of them I still have. 

Someone said something like: If you consider blogging some type of therapy, 
you should consider *something* and less keyboarding.
I don't remember the exact words. 
Have had some hate over the years
and I guess there'll always be people's opinions and judgements. 
About everything about me
and I rarely feel like most people have an accurate picture of me. 
They only look at me the way they look at me. 
I can't change anyone's perspective, it'd be hard to change mine. 

And then someone said "you have a negative view of men."
It's not that, exactly. I've just had some negative experiences with men. 

It's not so much that I'm angry, I'm hurt. 
Most of the time I've been angry, I've been pretty hurt. 

Hurt that someone I cared about would treat me so badly. 
On purpose... No less.

Anyway, I can't control everything and everyone. 
Nor should I or do I want to.

I have vented in posts before, I don't know why I still do it.
Maybe I think I'll feel better if I get it out. 

I tend to keep things to myself for far too long. 
And then I let it out at once. 
And by then nobody'd realized I was upset... 
Because I just kept it in for so long
and tried to just let sh*t go that I actually couldn't let go. 
Because sh*tty things need to be spoken about. 
BUT just because it's sh*tty does not mean it needs a sh*tty reaction. 
And that's one thing that I forget to remind myself. 

One thing my brother said to me:
Just because you have a mirror
doesn't mean you have to shove it in anyone's face.

I don't know why I point sh*t out to people. 
Who know what they are doing. 
Or speak the truth that they don't want to hear. 

Because deep down, they already know the truth. 
Even when they are living a lie. 

And even when they know the truth, 
will they admit it?

Is that why I say things they don't want to hear?
Because I want them to admit things they don't want to admit?

And what is the problem with admitting it?
Why lie about it?

Why can't they just say: "Yes, that's true"?
When something is true, it shouldn't be a deal
to say it's true. 
When something is a lie, why is it a deal 
to admit it is a lie?

Because once a lie is told, it can't be untold. 

I used to lie when I was a kid. 
Because I used to get hit, a lot. 
So I learned to just tell them what they wanted to hear. 
Even if I had to make sh*t up.
So that's why I lied. 
And every time I said "I don't know"
I used to get hit. 
Even when I actually didn't know. 
So even though I didn't know, 
I had to make sh*t up.
But I had to stop lying. But that's how I started lying. 

And the worst is when you lie to someone who believes you, 
and you know they believe you because they want to. 
Because they trust you.... 

And been here so many times. 

Believed someone who LIED to me
because I trusted them NOT to lie to me.

And when that happens,
that should be enough of a reason to leave. 
But then you allow them to keep making mistakes. 
Because they keep lying and should have walked away.
Because the lying continued. 
And I don't know why I stayed. 
And I don't know why I care about people
who don't care about me enough to be honest with me. 

Yes I get upset, yes I get angry, but I don't completely lose my sh*t. 
Usually there's a pretty good reason. 
I mean, I'd like to think I'm not what you'd call a psychopath. 
Even when I am angry, I don't seek revenge. 
I had thought about it, many times. 
In certain circumstances, but not in all cases. 

But lately, I have to just say
that things are going according to plan. 
No matter how they go. 

Because certain things have to end. 
No matter how they end. 
Or why.

Sometimes things come back around, 
for certain reasons. 

Still trying to figure that out. 
Why things come back around. 

Someone who owed me money...
I ran into him randomly. 
It was raining, he invited me in. 
Gave me a dry sweater, dry socks, tea.
To help me get dry and warm. 

Someone who was horrible to me. 
For a few years. 

And today he brought me a tea,
and paid me some money he owed me.

That was pretty unexpected.

But sometimes I want to believe it's for real
and not part of some act.
And it's hard to believe a lot of the time.

Sometimes it makes me wonder
if people are trying to be nice
to get something they want or if there's another reason. 

Like why can't people just be nice to be nice?
Why can't people admit the truth?

And when I have pure intentions, 
why do people think I don't?

I guess people can think whatever they want to think. 
I've been wrong, too. 

People get the wrong idea about me all the time. 
But also, I have not been at my best.
So I can see how that does not lead people
to get the right idea about me. 

But you could literally have the best intentions
and still get screwed over and screwed around... 
So does having the best intentions still matter?
I think it does, because it is rare sometimes. 

There are still, good, decent people, 
but nobody is perfect.

I've definitely been imperfect.
I can't expect anyone to be perfect.

But I've been harsh with people
when calling them out on their sh*t.
I shouldn't, and I don't know why I do it. 
It seems nobody listens to me
when I'm being harsh, 
but if I was more gentle about it, 
would they listen, then?

Being harsh with people doesn't solve anything. 
It won't make people admit anything. 

But being harsh and angry makes me look/seem unstable. 
Even when I have reasons to be angry. 

And if people are "scared" of me,
they won't want to deal with me.

But if I don't make an issue about an issue, 
the issue is still an issue. 
Whether I make an issue about it, or not. 

And making an issue about it
isn't the way to resolve the issue, apparently. 
Because they are not in the "mood" to resolve the issue. 
When you make an issue about the issue. 
But if they wanted to resolve the issue, 
they would just resolve the issue.