Just Tired

I think I have to pull away for a while. 
It's one thing to do something when I feel like doing it, 
but another thing when being expected to do it. 

Seems that I'm losing respect for myself. 
Something screams inside me: You can do so much better than this. 
I should have listened a long time ago. 
When I started feeling taken for granted, again. 
Yet, again. So why am I doing this? Again?

Just to feel like this some more?
Just to lose respect for myself more?
And not get any respect?
Any common decency?

Maybe I'm tired. Or tired of this. 
Sometimes I can't really tell. 

But there is a difference. 
That much I do know. 

And when it's ever a question, 
the question is usually the answer... 
When you have to ask, 
you already know.... 
And I wish it wasn't so. 
But that tells me I have to go. 

I'm tired of being good enough for some things
yet not good enough for other things. 

Like "you should wear makeup for me."
"Well, you should save me some O.J that I bought."
Or some tea that I bought. 
For me. 
Want to give me a hug at the door
when I'm leaving. 
And not treat it as a chore. 
When you ask so much of me. 
And I ask so little of you...

And maybe I'd like to be told
that I look alright without makeup.

Maybe I want to be called "your girl"
More than just... 

So maybe I want to be allowed to ask 
for a few little things. 
Instead of being asked a lot of. 
Like... A lot. 

And maybe that's too much for me. 
Maybe that's enough from me. 
Maybe it's my time 
to ask more of myself. 
And actually learn to appreciate myself. 
Instead of spending time with people
who just want me to spend money
on things they could be spending money on
just because I did it before
doesn't mean I should keep doing it
or should be expected to do
just because someone wants me to do it.
What about what I want?
When I want so fucking little?
Some affection, some attention. 
Some appreciation
for the things that I do. 

"Why light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm?"
Why go above and beyond
when people can't seem to meet me half way?
Sometimes it's enough to just walk away and not look back.
And they'll miss the things I did for them, 
but they won't miss me... 
And so it goes. 
When you do a lot, you seem to get nothing. 
And it is kinda a slap in the face. 

Am I crazy for wanting a little more?
Just a little bit more?
When I never seem to get what I give?

And it's not even getting because I'm giving. 
It's more like I'd hope for a little bit of recognition. 
Oh, I got this because of her. 
She did all these things for me. 
But nope. 

So call me tired... 
When someone gives gives gives. 
And the other person gets gets gets. 
Why keep giving?

I just end up feeling depleted. 
And get no respect... So why?

Like I don't even feel like I'm worth keeping a promise to
because I wasn't. 
Just good enough to provide for those things. 
When I hardly keep anything for myself. 
Or get to keep anything for myself. 

It's funny how selfish people
look at me like I'm selfish for 
the small things that I want
which aren't really big sacrifices. 

Not a lot to ask. 
For things that are asked of me...
And yes, I get a "thank you"
but actions speak louder than words. 

Anyway, yes, I'm probably just tired...
Of all the bullsh*t I've put up with
and am expected to just put up with. 
While not getting hardly anything back. 
Just something small. A hug maybe. 
Being told something nice. 
Maybe something intimate just for me. 
Maybe a glass of water. 
I wanted a butter tart... $2.50
$2 f*cking .50.

I bought myself 3 things. 
Because I'm worth it. 
I spent about $20 on myself. 
And next time, I'll buy my tart, for myself. 
But it would be nice to be thought of sometimes. 
"She really wanted a butter tart."
"After all she does for me, 
maybe getting her a tart would mean I do appreciate her."
Just to be thought of. 
Instead of being asked to do so much
and then asked today "Heading out?"
Like a few times...

Like he wanted me gone and was expecting someone to come over. 
As soon as I left... 

And I'd hope that isn't the case. 
But to be asked a few times...
When I asked to just have a coffee before I left...
Like, can't I just...?

So maybe I'm not just tired.... 

I was feeling alright a few days ago
when we had a really sunny day...

Anyway, I should just let all this go.
All this heaviness and just "do me."
Since others are "doing them"
and not thinking of me.

Makes me not want to get or be involved with anyone.
Seems like I get the sh*t deal. 
It's not about what I get back. 
But it would just be nice.  
A little something special for me. 
A token of appreciation. 

I said all that... I'm just tired. 
Maybe sleep for a century or something...

Tired of being so "nice"
being taken advantage of.
Being taken for a fool. 
Being treated like they think I'm stupid
when I already know what's been going on...

Would like to be taken seriously. 
Would like to have an equal give and take. 
Want to actually mean something to someone. 
Want to be shown that I mean something.
At least some of the time. 
And not be made to feel otherwise.

Shown some care and concern
for my feelings at least.
Would be nice...

Tired of being treated like they can do whatever they want
and it doesn't matter because I'll always be there.
No matter what... GTFOH.

Want someone to feel LUCKY
to have someone like me in their life
AND NOT WANT TO RISK LOSING IT
BY ACTING F*CKING SELFISH.
AND IGNORANT TO HOW I FEEL
ABOUT CERTAIN THINGS.

AND REALIZE WHAT I CONTRIBUTED, ALREADY.
WANT TO CONTRIBUTE, TOO.

AND NOT ASK OF ME
WHAT THEY DON'T DO FOR ME.
OR WON'T FOR WHATEVER REASON.
OR GIVE ME EXCUSES
FOR ASKING ME TO DO SOMETHING
WHEN THEY COULD HAVE DONE IT THEMSELF.
FOR THEMSELF. 

AND A LOT OF THE TIME, 
HAD I NOT DONE IT FOR THEM, 
I WOULD BE ABLE TO DO IT FOR MYSELF. 
AND FOR THEM TO REALIZE THAT TAKING FROM ME
DOESN'T MEAN I'M GOING TO KEEP GIVING. 

I DON'T WANT TO BE ASKED TO DO THINGS. 
I'D RATHER DO IT BECAUSE I WANT TO. 
NOT BECAUSE IT'S EXPECTED OF ME TO SAY YES.
AND I NEED TO SAY NO MORE OFTEN
SO THEY CAN F*CKING REALIZE
HOW GENEROUS I HAVE BEEN....

EVEN WITH FORGIVING SOME THINGS....
THINGS I SHOULD NOT PUT UP WITH.

And feeling unwanted
when they get what they want...
F*CK that.

All good when they get what they want.

But I can't really expect much from anyone.
But nobody should expect the world from me.

One person said "you knew what you were going to get..."
And still wanted it anyway?
Hoping? For what? 
This to be different?
This time?

What about next time?
And the time after that?

What about that?
Will it be different?
Than all the other times?

Or should I just call it quits?
Before I get hurt more?
Because I don't need that.
I just don't need that.
Never needed it.
Maybe I did.
To show me that I don't want that.
And don't need that.

Is wanting to be wanted, such a bad thing to want?
Well, tired of wanting that.

Being too nice doesn't get me wanted.
It just gets me used.
Taken for granted.... 
That's it.

But... I'm the one who allowed it.
And allowed it to continue. 
Why? Because I was being too nice.
Not putting my foot down.
Not saying no when I had lots of chances to say no. 
And should have.

To teach them what they should be doing for themselves.
To teach them that I'm not going to keep doing it
Just because I did it a few times...

Like the more they get, the more they want from me...
And what do I get? 
A hug at the door when I'm leaving?
Do I even get that?
Shouldn't have to ask for that.
Shouldn't be a chore.
Shouldn't be too much to ask. 
Shouldn't even be a question. 

I get that people can't read my mind, 
but... I'd think that'd be the bare minimum...

And I understand addiction, I do. 
But like I also said, the choices
are our responsibility. 

I've heard "It's not my fault."
When you realize "yes, tf it is..."
That's when you're ready.

Just when people focus more on what money can buy...
And overlook what it can't....

I have to say that I'm a person
who didn't see the value of some things
when I had those things in my life... 
And when you don't anymore...

Just like when people realize how much someone did for them
and sacrificed for you to give what they gave to you...

And when they miss all that more than they actually miss you...
Yeah... Such a great feeling... 

Then maybe "I should have appreciated her
by doing little things for her
instead of always asking her to do things for me. 
And should have listened to her
when she asked me to do some things.
It wasn't too much to ask of me."

And them still giving to people
who do and give them nothing.
And knowing how that feels
instead of giving back to someone
who gave them a lot. 
Time they can't get back. 
Money that'll likely not come back.
Patience, understanding. 

Caring when it seems that nobody really cares.... 
Would be nice for someone to care, too. 

Anyway, I've said it.