It's Mine

My post views lately have been in the high double digits.
I don't know what that's all about... 
Maybe because I haven't been posting consistently.

Some things have been going on, here.
But I don't want to write about it on here.

Other than those things, I've been working on my first info product.
Basically a bundle of MRR stuff that I got.
And an instruction video. 
I'm putting captions into it 
because I didn't want to record my voice. 

I don't like that I still sound younger than I am.
Like my voice never really changed much since puberty.
Just being honest...
People usually guess that I'm younger than more than 10 years.
than I actually am. 
All because I sound young
but my body says I'm older.
So they give me around 20 or so...

Anyway, someone addicted to drugs told me
that it's a disease.
I'm tired of it being called a disease.
Use of drugs or alcohol is a choice, 
but I get the compulsion and impulse control issues.
But calling it a disease means there has to be a cure for it.
Like "I'll be an addict for the rest of my life..."
That would have been like me saying
that because alcoholism is a "disease"
"I'll be an alcoholic for the rest of my life."

No, I was an alcoholic until I made the choice
and the decision to quit drinking. 
Yes, it can be hard at first.
Back on the posts when I first got sober, 
I wrote about all of that. 
Basically I was spending more time on 
trying to get myself together
and trying to change my mindset. 
What I didn't know, at that time, 
was how much my life would change without alcohol. 

I used to drugs, too. 
I smoke a bit of pot here and there, 
but I don't smoke daily, like I used to. 
I don't do the hard drugs I used to do. 

I told someone I was doing a particularly addictive drug. 
I was staying in a bachelor apartment with 2 guys. 
A guy who was a friend of mine
who I used to stay with when I ran away...
Or went AWOL from the group homes
OR was on the streets.
The very first day I met him, 
We'd been drinking in an alley.
Across from a church.
He gave me the key to his place, 
when he used to live near the old train tracks...
Before the O-train tracks were being built. 

I met the guys who used to camp over there.
I remember when some officials told them
that they would have to move their camp
because there was going to be construction starting soon. 

By those tracks, I have a lot of memories...
I talked to a spray painter
who was spraying a picture of a mostly naked woman.
He asked me what my name was
so I gave him my nickname.
Back then it was the one previous
to the last one I had...
It's kind of embarrassing...
What's more embarrassing
is that I needed to look up 
how to spell embarrassing....
A lot of the time I forget how to spell certain words. 

Anyway, back then I used to pop pills. 
I was around 14 years old or so. 

I got off all that, and one of the most addictive drugs....
I quit drinking... So I don't agree that it's a disease.
That's basically an excuse to keep doing it.
The "cure" is the "decision" to STOP.

Basically, there are a lot of things people do
that they could stop doing, but they still do. 

In my teens and 20s I never really thought about any of it.
My impulse control hasn't been the best.
I still do some things impulsively, without thinking. 
And most of the times I'm asking myself "why did I do that?"
"What was going through my mind when I did that?"
And when I act out of anger...
That's the worst. 

I have to stop getting angry about things I can't control. 
I can't control if someone has a relapse. 
Even when I'm trying to help them get clean. 

But I have to remember that I didn't relapse.
The slightest bit of alcohol I had since quitting
was on NYE one year where 
I was at a tavern and the tavern owner
was giving everyone a class of champaign
to toast to the new year.
I didn't actually want to, but that was the very last time
I consumed ANY alcohol. 
I guess I made an exception for that night...

But since then... No compulsion to drink. 
I am "cured" from alcoholism. 
The "disease" that afflicting my life.
Although I CHOICE to keep drinking, at that time. 
When guys gave me free drinks, I didn't turn them down. 
The drinks, not the guys...
I bet most of them were disappointed.
But mostly I was disappointed with the dates I had at that time.
Basically it wasn't an actual date, as it turned out.
Just a guy who wanted me to get drunk
and tried to sleep with me...

I haven't been on a date for a long time.
A real, sincere, actual date.

It seems most of the guys I've met
just think about "getting some."
They don't actually care enough to want to actually date.
If I won't sleep with them, 
they'll just find someone who will. 
And never get to know me. 
I met a bunch of random dudes in my 20s.
Pretty much the same story. 
When I was getting to know someone, though, 
if I slept with them, it was like "I got what I came for"
and "Onto the next."
Which was pretty crushing for my self-esteem back then. 

Now, although I'm pretty s*xually frustrated...
I know I can do better than being treated like sh*t. 

And the people who I was closest to...
They felt like I treated them like sh*t. 
It was because at some point,
they started acting like they didn't care anymore.
And honestly, they started acting that way
because I was acting that way. 

It's not that I started acting that way
because they were. 
Which was basically my excuse for acting the way I acted. 
Plus, when I was that age, I was pretty selfish. 

I can't say alcoholics are selfish through and through
or drug addicts are. 
But it seems they stop caring about all else
except for the alcohol or the drugs. 
Which kind of makes them selfish. 
For only thinking of themselves
and what they can get...
And for wanting what they want,
like F*CK everything else. 

When I look back to how I used to be,
I'm pretty disgusted with myself and ashamed. 
A lot of problem arose from how I used to be. 
And a lot of people think I haven't changed. 
Which actually isn't true. 

When you change so much
where you can look back at yourself...
And say "I'm not that person anymore"
then you can say you've actually changed. 
And it takes a lot of reflection
on where I was taking my life, 
how I affected the people around me. 
My ex and my son. 
They both wanted me to change. 
But neither of them talk to me anymore. 
It's hard to change people's minds. 
Since we have little control over what people think of us. 
And I know I made a bad impression on both of them. 
It's hard when I've made a bad impression.
Because that's the impression they have of me. 
From when I was "that person."
Even though I'm not "that person" anymore. 

Of course I have my things to work on, personal issues. 
Things that I never addressed about myself. 
Or confronted about myself. 
I've pretty much always hated being called out on my sh*t. 
I'd get defensive.
Because somewhere in there was the person I wanted to be
yet I was still being who I used to be. 
But getting mad at the truth about myself...
Like someone shoving a mirror in my face
and telling me to look at how ugly I've been... 
That's pretty much what it was.
And I wasn't wanting to see. 
And mad that people wanted me to look at myself. 
And being mad only made me want to drink more
because I used alcohol to try to keep my feelings at bay. 

I talked to an addict who told me that he started doing drugs
because he was haunted by things that happened to him. 
"I've had a hard life."
My life hasn't been the easiest...
But I'm not doing drugs or drinking anymore. 

So having a hard life
isn't exactly an excuse for doing drugs or drinking.
Even though it's being used as one. 
A means of not addressing issues, maybe. 
"Escaping emotions" or reality
because they don't want to face reality. 
Not wanting to face reality isn't really a "disease."
It's more or less an impulsive compulsion.
That's pretty much what it is. 
I can say that because I've had addictions. 
How is it a disease?
That can be "cured" by making a decision?
To stop the behavior
that leads us to act impulsively compulsive?

But that's not how addicts think. 
Because they care about what they want. 
Supplying themselves with what they are addicted to...

I know someone who could have bought food and toilet paper. 
Pretty much things he actually needs, 
but he went and spent it on drugs. $60. 
And he STILL wanted $20 more to get more. 

When you're high, you just think about getting high. 
When you're drunk, you just think about getting drunk. 

I know this. It's a vicious cycle...
THAT CAN BE BROKEN. 
A lot of people avoid making the decision to do it. 
Because they are scared what their fellow addicts would think.
Because they can't imagine their lives
without the substance
or whoever provided the substance. 
If it was provided by someone else.

Like the 2 guys I was living with. 
Both addicts who talked me into trying some. 
I may have gotten addicted if I stayed there. 
When I told someone. 
He told me to pack up my belongings
and come with him to his place. 
He took care of me, until I got clean. 

So that's what I've been trying to do for a friend of mine. 
Who says being an addict isn't his fault. 
That it's a disease. 
Who isn't ready to confront himself and decide
if he wants a better life for himself or not. 

It's really hard to be patient with an addict. 
Because in my mind, I think "they should know better."
In most cases, they do, but they don't think. 
And they act impulsively compulsive. 
In their own interest. 
They don't seem to care about anyone around them. 
Until they quit and look back at how they used to treat other people. 
Like their addiction always came FIRST
and the people in their lives always came LAST.

And, yes, people get tired of coming LAST. 

I pointed out to an addict that instead of buying drugs, 
he could have spent the money on doing laundry. 
Instead of being broke again and still needing to do laundry. 

He said "I know." 
But that's not what he was thinking about
when he had money in his hand...

Then, when he's high, he wants to stay high
so he wants to do more and more. 
until he has no more money left...
And then he decides he wants cigarettes.
But won't make them last until he gets paid. 

Well, you know how addicts are.
I don't have to tell you. 
The more I drank, the more I wanted to drink. 
I was in that boat. 

Anyway, I used to be there. Like I said. 
If anyone's been reading my blog from back then, 
I'd like to think that I've come a long way, somewhat. 

There's still a lot of work to do on myself. 
Work I wasn't doing on myself
when I was mostly thinking about getting drunk
or while I was drinking or drunk. 

I'm definitely not getting any younger
and the days are not coming back. 

I cannot change the past, either. 
But I can say I've reflected, a lot. 
More than I had been, that's for sure. 
I guess you can say that I'm maturing. 
Regarding some things. 
I think about some things a different way
than how I used to think about them. 
I look at some things differently
from how I used to look at them. 

My self esteem took a big hit
when I realized things about myself. 
Things that I'm ashamed of. 

Things I don't want to write about
or even think about. 
But because I didn't think about those things
for so long...
It took a long time to think about those things.
Simply, I did not want to think about those things. 
How wrong I was. 
How thoughtless I was.
Even heartless at times. 
Times I didn't care... 

I wish I could turn back time
and take back all my sh*tiness. 
All the immaturity. 
All the impulsiveness. 
All the carelessness and selfishness. 
All my ugliness. 

Because the people in my life
Or who were in my life
were affected by all of it. 
I thought about them, 
but I wasn't thinking OF them. 
There's a HUGE difference there. 

I guess I'm writing about this stuff
to get people to think about these things. 
And realize the things that took me so long to realize. 

Sometimes looking in the mirror is a big shock. 
Like "I'm REALLY like this?!"
But at the same time not wanting to admit
"I've really been like this."
Most people would rather die of shame
than admit they "were like that."
Because that is the impression people get about them.
Some stereotypical sh*t. 
And not seeing the person within. 
Who seems stuck in the vicious cycle
until they decide to break it
and actually break it. 
I am proof it can be done. 
Maybe that's the impression I wish people had of me. 
To see who I'm becoming. 
Yet some people will never see. 
Because they don't look at me like that. 
They still look at me as "that person."
The mess I was. The mess I caused. 
The mess I didn't want to look at or see.

Kind of like when we get depressed and there's a bunch of chores to do
that we don't "feel" like doing.
And how addicts "feel" like getting high. 
And how alcoholics "feel" like getting drunk...
Those feelings go away if we allow them to. 

I don't "feel" like getting drunk anymore. 
It rarely crosses my mind, drinking. 
I see how others act when they are drunk
and I know that's how I used to act when I was drunk. 
It's kind of like looking on the other side of things, 
but being on the other side of things. 

Like when I used to eat at the soup kitchen. 
And then working in the kitchen
was a different side of things. 
When you get to go "behind the scenes."
You get to see things from a different perspective. 
That's pretty much what it's like, for me. 
Being around people who are high or drunk... 

I'm embarrassed I used to be like that. 
Yet I am thankful I made the decision
to stop being like that. 

And I regret not making that decision sooner...
Yet, I still made it. 
Maybe after it would have counted the most... 
But I'm not excusing anything, now. 
I'm not giving myself or anyone else excuses to drink.
BECAUSE F*CK THAT.
YES, I SAID IT.
F*CK THAT.
It's almost as sh*tty to excuse the behavior
as the behavior is, itself. 
Or maybe AS sh*tty. Forget the almost. 

Maybe the almost was trying to make it seem
almost less sh*tty than it actually is.... 
Because it's still sh*tty. 
If that makes any sense. Does it?

Like it's pretty sh*tty to spend all your money
on drugs and try to get someone else's money
to buy more drugs... 

I've had that happen to me. 
People lying to me to get money
and spending it on drugs. 
People I wanted to trust were spending it on
what they told me they were going to spend it on...

I F*CKING HATE BEING LIED TO. 
LIKE I'M F*CKING TOO F*CKING STUPID
TO REALIZE WHAT THEY'RE DOING...

Like catching someone in the act...

I used to sneak around and be sneaky. 
I did things I regret doing. 
That I shouldn't have done
and WISH I never did... 

And I didn't want people to find out
what I was actually doing... 
So I tried not to get caught doing it. 
And I'd deny doing it. 

But now because I did that, 
when I deny doing something I didn't do, 
they think that I actually did it. 

So that's what that gets you...
It gets people to question your motives
and think you're sneaking around, 
and doing other things...
On TOP of what they think you're doing. 

But when you're actually not doing what they think you are...
Then they can't catch you doing it. 
Because you're not doing it. 

 Makes sense?

But I've caught addicts doing drugs
when they already promised me they wouldn't anymore
who lied to me about what they were doing. 
And they thought I'd never know
and that they'd get away with it. 

It really sucks when they PROMISED ME
that they wouldn't do it anymore...

BROKEN PROMISES BREAKS MY HEART.
BUT BREAKS MY TRUST, TOO.

I had trusted that the PROMISE was a PROMISE.
Like don't make a promise you don't intend to keep. 
But then maybe they did intend to keep it
BUT they didn't care enough to keep it. 
FOR ME, OR TO ME.
LIKE I WASN'T WORTH KEEPING THE PROMISE TO.
AND THE ONLY THING THAT THEY VALUED
WAS THE THING THEY PROMISED TO LEAVE ALONE. 

Makes it hard to trust people. 
Makes me feel sh*tty when they are being sh*tty to me.
But I can't control how they are being. 
Only they can, when they FINALLY SEE
how sh*tty it is
AND WHEN THEY DON'T WANT TO BE
SH*TTY ANYMORE.
Like when they realize they've had their head up their @ss. 
And realizing only THEY can pull themselves out of it. 
OUT OF THE VICIOUS CYCLE
THEY KEEP PERPETUALLY STAYING STUCK IN.
Only THEY get to decide. 
And some people decide to be sh*tty
because 1) they don't realize they are being sh*tty
2) They don't care that they are being sh*tty
3) They are not deciding NOT to be sh*tty. 

Why? Because they don't want to take accountabilty
FOR BEING SH*TTY. 
They've gotten away with it for so long
by giving excuses for it, 
but that DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY LESS SH*TTY. 

And these are the things I wish I could have told myself back then. 
And wish I could tell people who are being sh*tty. 
Call them out for being sh*tty, 
but that only makes people mad, and defensive. 
Because they'll never say "You're right. 
I haven't wanted to OWN my sh*ttiness."
"I haven't because I didn't want to confront myself
or be confronted about it."
"I just wanted to keep being sh*tty."
"Like nothing mattered other than the sh*ttiness."

And their "SORRY" when getting caught breaking the promise...
What's that actually worth when I wasn't worth
keeping the promise in the first place?
Like "I'm sorry for getting caught."
Because it wasn't their intention to get caught.
Like I was supposed to not know they broke their promise to me. 
Thinking they still kept it when they already broke it.

AND they wonder why it's hard to trust people. 
When they say one thing and do another thing. 
I used to do that. The intentions were there, 
but the acting on those intentions was not there. 
AND people do that sh*t to me all the time. 
It aggravates me. It hurts. 
To feel I was not worth it, to them
to actually do what they said they were going to do. 
You know?

But, yes, I let others down, myself. 
So I can see both sides of the coin. 
And pretending that I don't
Is denying that there is another side of the coin. 
Denying I did that, too. 

And denying it would only make me a hypocrite.

I did learn a lot of lessons (the hard way)
And seeing how I used to be showed me things as they were. 
For what they were and what they are.
As they are. 

When you finally SEE that, it changes many things.
It really does.

Anyway, I hadn't posted for a while. 
I guess I had to let it out. 
Better than keeping it all in. 

Maybe help people realize things
that took me so long, too long, to realize. 

I want to align with people who not only have good intentions
but actually meet me at least halfway. 
Like realize I'm trying to help them.
BUT also wanting them to help themselves. 

When things started changing for me,
I realized it was exactly what I needed
to start turning myself around. 

But things didn't start changing
until I changed some things
AND ACTUALLY WANTED TO MAKE CHANGES.
CHANGES, MOST OF THEM, DON'T HAPPEN
BY THEMSELVES.
WE HAVE TO MAKE THEM HAPPEN. 

Yes, sometimes things change.
That we had no intention of or control over. 
Those happen. 
Sometimes we MAKE those happen, 
sometimes we don't. 
Sometimes OTHERS make those happen. 
AND in one case we are the cause
and cause they effect which affects others. 
Other times others are the cause 
that affects us. 

But it's hard to have these kinds of talks with people.
Because they don't want to listen to me, 
they don't want to hear it, from me, or at all. 
They don't want to admit that these facts are even facts. 

And not being heard and cared about enough to listen to.
Does hurt, but I have no control
over who listens and cares and who doesn't.
I have yet to figure out how to MAKE them 
want to listen or care what I have to say,
let alone what I think, or how I feel.
About anything. 

Because it doesn't matter to them.
When what matters to them is how and what they think
and how they feel. 
LIKE F*CK EVERYONE ELSE.
INCLUDING ME.

I mean, if anyone's reading this far...
To get this far... 
Maybe there's something in here
that they understand...
Maybe opening their eyes. 
Maybe waking them up, just a bit. 

MAKING THEM REALIZE
THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE LIKE THAT.
OR STAY LIKE THAT.
UNLESS THEY CHOOSE NOT TO CHOOSE
TO STOP BEING LIKE THAT.

Choosing not to make a choice
is still making a choice. 

Just like saying nothing still says something. 
Even when you don't know what to say. 
In the moment, in that situation. 

IF I SPEAK UP ABOUT IT,
WILL ANYONE LISTEN? OR CARE?
Some people might, others choose to ignore me.
And just say "okay."
When they don't intend to actually follow through.
Like they're going to do something
they actually won't do.
And when they get away with doing sh*t for so long. 
They just keep doing it
because they got away with doing it the last time. 

No matter what it is.
As though I was okay with it, 
when I'm actually NOT okay with it.
But I still now that trying to control the situation
often makes it worse. 
Often blows up in my face. 
Confronting people. 
Trying to get them to confront themselves. 
But when they can't see how sh*tty the are being, 
as though it's okay to just be sh*tty
because everyone just let them do sh*tty things. 
and allowing themselves to be affected
by these sh*tty things...

BUT OFTEN WE DON'T HAVE A CHOICE
ON HOW IT AFFECTS US.
Because the aftermath of the sh*ttiness still affects us. 

Like how I was abused. 
I had no control over the guy who abused me.
At one point, I thought it happened to everyone....
It took someone pointing out that it's not normal
and should not have happened to me. Yet it did. 
But I could sit here and say "I'm still an acoholic"
because I was abused. 
Or I can say "I chose to quit drinking"
even though I could have used being abused
as a reason to keep drinking. 

See the difference?
Even though I was abused. 
I'm not using that as a reason for anything. 
That was in the past. 
Although it affected me, a lot.... 
It doesn't have to keep affecting me
the way it used to.

Or even for the reasons it affected me.

That's not saying it didn't and wasn't. 
That those sh*tty things didn't happen. 
But giving myself reasons that it still affects me
is like saying those things will keep ruining my life.
WHEN IN FACT, I WAS RUINING MY OWN LIFE.
I can't shift the blame onto someone else, 
even to try to avoid taking it.
BECAUSE IT'S MINE.

I'm even to blame for allowing people to get away with things
and having tried to get away with things. 
THINGS THAT ARE NOT OKAY.
THAT I'M NOT OKAY WITH.
THAT THEY KNOW I'M NOT OKAY WITH
AND THEY SHOULD NOT BE OKAY WITH.
YET THEY STILL JUST WANT TO GET AWAY WITH IT.
LIKE IT DOESN'T MATTER.

Again, I was on the other side of this.
That's why I say the blame is mine.