I Suspect

I suspect the views on my last posts was to see if I uploaded since.
Just doing a lot of coding stuff. 
Been trying to cope the best I can. 

With a lot of things.

And yes, a lot of things are frustrating...
And tiresome... 
And bothersome.

But if I keep calling it that, 
it will likely keep being like that.

Seems the more I want something, 
the less likely it is that I'll actually get it.

However, I'm supposed to be getting my life together
and not concerned about others getting their lives together.

Even when they tell me they want to. 
Even when I want them to. 

I learned quickly that I don't usually get what I want
and mostly, been giving others what they want. 
And that gets me shafted. Every time. 

It's easier being on my own. 
Even though, I'd like someone in my life. 

But for obvious reasons, I have to have higher standards. 
Not just for myself, but for those I get involved with. 

Because there are certain things I no longer stand for.
Things I don't support. 
Things I'm not okay with. 

And when they know I have an issue with it, 
and they keep doing it
and expecting me to just let everything slide
like I'm not upset about it.
When I'd rather just not have any reason to be upset. 

Why go out of your way to do things to me
that you wouldn't be okay with if it was done to you?
If I did to you.... Why do that to me?

And it's hard to be okay with that
like I'm supposed to let people use me
and just be okay with it?

Like today, I went over to see the guy I was seeing. 
First time after a big fight we had. 
Things were okay, he said I could stay a couple of days. 
Then asked me to go to the store to get coffee and get him 2 drinks. 
When I got to the store, it was more than he gave me. 
I went back empty handed
he was like wtf? And I had come back to get more money
to just get him what he asked me to get him. 
So I did and since I was supposed to have enough to get myself something, 
which I didn't and had to pay the difference to get him what he wanted. 

And then I asked if he had any tea, made one. 
Then he said "you can stay an hour after you drink your tea."
Going from "you can stay a couple days, I could use your help."
To go after you drink your tea. 
I asked him why he wants me to go after he said I could stay a couple days. 
When things were okay when I got there... 
And I was picking up what I left there
and giving what I had borrowed back. 

And he said he just wanted to go to bed early. 
And I had told him that if he was seeing someone to just tell me. 
Then it switched to "I'm having company over tonight."
So basically he wanted me gone before his company came over. 
And wouldn't tell me who was coming over. 

We had a big fight over him doing drugs again. 
After he told me he would stop. 
And I had said the next time, I was gone. I was done. 

And he said he couldn't do this anymore. 
After I brought up the shitty things he did
that I'm not okay with. 

After throwing 2 pipes away and saying he was done...
I caught him again. And yes, got super mad. 
Because why tell me you're done and go do it some more?
And lie to me, and break your promise to me?
And then treat me like I don't matter to you
when you want me to go...
After calling me "your girl" "your woman"
"your girlfriend"

And then go from "why can't you move in with me?"
to not talking... 

Because I called him out on shit
and he didn't like it?

How he's been treating me
and how I'm not cool with it... 
Didn't like that either... 
But did I like being disrespected 
and then dismissed
for expressing how I feel?
And he doesn't want to talk about it?

And I hadn't been anyone's girlfriend for a long time. 
So maybe that felt nice. 

But why tell me I could stay for a couple days
then send me to the store to get you what you want
and then coming back to get more money
so that I could actually get you what you want
and then when I get back from the store
tell me I have to go after I drink my tea
and then when I want to talk about "why do that to me"
he just says "just leave me alone."
So I don't even get to drink my tea. 

And if a bus driver didn't stop and let me on
despite not having enough money to take the bus... 
I'd have to walk all the way home, and he knew this. 
Couldn't even let me stay for a night
so I could rest a bit before walking back... 

Because of how pissed I got about him doing drugs.
Because it was a slap in the face to me. 
Going to the store for him, again, 
and then told to leave... 

Like why do I bother? If this is the shit I get?
Slapped in the face over and over and over again
and I'm supposed to just take it on the chin with a grin
like I actually like it... 

And when I showed up empty handed, 
I was actually coming back to get more money...
Which I didn't have to do. 
A last ditch attempt to make him f*cking happy.
And yet it was all for nothing
because he didn't even appreciate that I did that, for him. 

Like all the things I did for him, but nothing was good enough. 
Because he wants a girl like the girls in his Russian music vids. 
And not a girl like me who just won't accept some sh*t I'm not okay with. 
And doesn't dress like a whore and doesn't wear a ton of makeup... 
He kept saying "you should wear makeup for me sometime."
But maybe he didn't give me a chance to. 
Because when he chose drugs over me, yet again... 
And I got super pissed about it
he just told me to leave. 

And now he needs time... 
After he was asking me to move in with him...

And tells me to leave because he's having company over. 
Won't even tell me who. 

Told him if he was seeing someone else, to just tell me. 
Just tell me.
If he doesn't want me in his life, to just tell me. 
He acts as though he doesn't care. So why should I?

He could have gone to the store himself. 
Then when I'm done that errand for him
he tells me to leave?

It went from he asking me to come over
happy to see me, to this. 

Because I had enough?
Because I wanted to be cared about?
Because I wanted some appreciation?

Because I wanted him to choose me over the drugs?
Because I wanted honesty?
And respect?

And because I wanted him to stop lying and treat me right?

The first lie, I forgave him for. 
But he kept lying to me. 
And I kept trying to make him happy. 
Sacrificing my own happiness
because there was a bunch of shit I wasn't happy with. 
And I kept overlooking it. 

And why did I overlook it?
Why do I let people treat me like that?
I should tell people to go to the store themselves. 
Get shit for themselves.
Especially when they do a 180 on me. 
Like I'm not supposed to bring up sh*t
that bothers me
and act like it doesn't
and just act like it's okay when it's not?

And this is pretty much the prime example of why
I wasn't planning on getting or being involved with anyone. 
Because I just knew I'd get hurt, again. 
And yes, I got hurt again. 

So why, knowing that it's likely to happen
that I think this time's going to be different?

That "I can trust this guy."
But they show me over and over and over again that I can't. 
And they treat me like I don't even matter.
And why am I supposed to be okay with that?
Why do I take it for as long as I do?
To hurt myself more?
I really can't think of any other reason. 

Because I have hopes that it'll get better, 
but it doesn't... Why?
And when it does get better, for a bit, 
I'm happy... Until it goes to sh*t again
but I'm not supposed to get upset about anything... 
I'm supposed to just put up with everything
until I'm really not okay and a line's been crossed with me...

And then there's pretty much no going back to how things were
when I just get upset about something. 
Because they see that side of me that they don't like. 
When I'm reacting to what I don't like. 

But yeah, not the most mature moments of my life. 
I must admit that. 
When I let it out, I let it out. 
Everything I was holding back... 

But I have taken a lot by that time. 
And there's always a straw that breaks the camel's back...
I, too, have a limit. 

And when you know you're pushing me too far, 
then don't expect me to be quiet about it. 
But I shouldn't even have said anything. 
I should have just left. 
Both times. 
Even the first time I caught him in a lie. 
Even the times he wanted to be sexual with me
but hadn't ended it with his "ex"
and he wouldn't tell me who he was having over tonight. 
Maybe he misses her. I don't know.
Maybe eventually he'll miss me
but by that time, it'll be too late. 

He had the chance to have me over for a couple nights
and we could have talked about some things. 

He had that chance. 
He had many chances. 
He could have treated me like I meant something to him. 
Like he didn't want to risk losing me. 
But he had no problem losing me. 

He did all the things to ensure he lost me.

And said it would take "some time..."
When he doesn't even want to talk to me
or about his sh*tty behavior. 
But I didn't have to rub it in his face.
I was wrong to do that. 
Should have just taken my dignity and left. 
Without saying one word. About anything. 
Left him to think about how he treated me. 
And why I left. 

It's not like I got mad at every little thing.
There were some things that p*ssed me off. 

Things that would p*ss others off, too.

It comes down to not wanting to put up with someone's sh*t, 
yet putting up with someone's sh*t.
Until I have had enough sh*t.

Like he didn't care or he wouldn't have wanted to risk me.
So now I'm tired and not going to contact him again. 

Why do people take me for granted?

And treat me like that?
And why did I let them?

Like I usually give until I literally have nothing left.

I really don't want to get hurt again. Like ever again. 
And eventually he might realize
what I was bringing to the table
and what I wanted him to bring to the table. 

But he better not ever tell me he misses me.
He could have treating me right.
From the start.

Like nobody sees my worth while I'm there. 
They'll realize all the things I did and miss that.
Rarely does anyone miss me, period. 
Only the things I used to do for them. 

Only the loyalty, honesty. 
Everything they didn't get from past partners.
Yet they want a gold digger
just for her looks...
When she doesn't care or have A HEART...
And family will tell him not to be involved with them...

That's what they choose and want. 
Until they realize that not all that glitters is gold.
That the good girl got tired of being good
and being treated like sh*t.

Anyway, it sucks, but that's the way things went.
And I should have just walked away before it got to that point. 
So I have myself to blame.
For staying as long as I did. 
Hoping things would get better. They didn't. 
They wouldn't have. 

Maybe it's for the best that it ended. 
But could have been more mature about it.
So that's on me.
I took it to where I took it.
And I didn't have to take it there.
And that's my lesson to learn.
But why do people think it's okay?
To just do me like that?

When they don't want to take any responsibility
for their own behavior?
It did take me a long time, 
and taking it to where I took it
wasn't really being responsible for my behavior. 
And taking it there, again
when he did a 180 on me, yet again...

Like it's okay for him to get what he wants
but doesn't matter what I want. 
I wanted to talk about things. 

And had we talked about these things, 
maybe it might have made a difference.
If I gave him so many chances
and he doesn't do the same for me
thinking I'm not who I say I am...

Because he didn't get to know me.
And everything was about what he wanted. 
I didn't get to want anything
and it was like I wanted too much...
When really I don't ask for too much...
Like really basic things.
But can't make anyone appreciate what they never did...

So there's that.
As long as he gets what he wants.
And he can find someone else to lie to and drain. 
Someone who cares enough about him
to try to make things work. 
Even though things clearly aren't working. 

Don't I deserve some honesty?
Don't I deserve fairness?
Wouldn't it be cool for some sincerity?
Some clarity?
Like is that really too much to ask for?

Maybe I should have done to him
what he was doing to me...
He made me walk away because he wasn't serious about me. 
Even with talks about moving in together... 
And talks about the future together... 
A future I thought I could see together.

I don't want to get hurt again. 
I've already given so much. 

And knew better than to get involved with anyone. 
Wasn't the plan. 
Shouldn't even cry about it or be sad about it. 

Like how loving and giving should I be?
And how many times should I turn the other cheek?
Look the other way?
Act like I'm happy when I'm not?
Act like the things that p*ss me off are okay?

How patient should I be?
How "understanding" should I be?
Especially when I'm the one being misunderstood?
I've been pretty much fine with a lot of it. 
Even though it wasn't okay. Not cool. 

So I'm the fool here.
Could have just left well alone. 
Especially with the first lie. 
To get money from me, for drugs... 
I should have just said f*ck that sh*t. 
And just been like "bye."

To teach them I don't want to be taken advantage of. 
Not to treat me like that...

And I thought the guy from my past might come back.
But if he wanted to, he would have. 
If he wanted to make things right with me, 
he could have. 

Like no "sorry." Nothing. 
But if there was nothing to be sorry about, 
there'd be no "sorry." You know?

And why wait for someone who isn't coming around?
Why ever get involved with anyone ever again?

Why wait for things to get better? When they weren't going to?
Why wait for someone to be honest with me
when they weren't going to be?

Why wait to be appreciated?
When I was never going to be?

But why does it hurt so much?
Why do people think it's okay to hurt me?
Over and over and over again?

Why do guys sabotage things with me?
Then make it about how I reacted?
Be fair, be honest. Why is that so hard?
Put the effort in.
Appreciate the effort I put in. 

I went out of my way...
But I wasn't asking for too much....

I was happy about it, before. 
But now I realize it wasn't good for me. 

I guess it was a good thing we didn't move in together
because he'd try to get me to buy everything. 
And not chip in. 

Not make the effort, not even try most times.
So why do I try to hold onto something
that is clearly going nowhere?

Like shouldn't I have learned?
The last time and time before that?

Really, I should be good. 
And just cut him loose.
He had the chances to be honest with me.
He should have seen how he was treating me. 
And he knows, but doesn't seem to care. 
And yes, I was mad that he didn't care. 

But can't force anyone to care
or feel the way I feel. 
Or see me as I am...
Not whatever they think I am... 

And appreciate what I'm doing. 
Have been doing. 

Anyway, that's enough.