Very Tired

Been blogging so long that I've written over 4 thousand posts.
Mostly about stuff that doesn't really matter. 
What's been on my mind and how I feel about some things... 
Little updates about my life... 

Sometimes I write about some things I've been learning about. 
Still kind of in isolation. 
Been trying to help a friend quit doing drugs. 
It's not been an easy task....
Addictions are hard to break. As I know. 
I've had my own addictions to break... 
Over the years. Like smoking and drinking. 
I know how hard it is to quit. 
Drinking was an emotional one to break. 
It felt like grieving. The person I was who used to drink. 
I can't really explain it in any other way. 

I used to be the person who did lots of things. 
I'm not that person anymore. 

I want to think of it like I grew out of certain things. 
I developed a distaste for certain things I used to do. 
And certain ways I used to be... 
Because I realized a bunch of things about those things
and about myself. 

And I have to realize that not everyone is there, yet
with their own awareness about certain things. 
Or about themselves
because they rarely reflect on certain things, if at all. 
I didn't used to. I didn't care enough
about myself or what I was doing, or how I was coming across. 

But I started thinking about it more and more. 
Began to look at things in different ways. 
To try to really understand some things. 
That I wasn't ready to look at... For a really long time. 
Some people never do. 
A rare few can, and they do. 
They see it, sometimes too late, but they see it. 

But we can't force people to change their ways, 
just like nobody could force me. 
If they could, I would have made changes a long time ago. 
And my life would have changed a long time ago, too. 
But what was I clinging to?
The excuses I made? For being the way I was being?

Just like I want others to change, 
they likely wanted me to change, too. 
And they didn't want to hurt my feelings
by giving me the stone cold truth about myself. 
The truth does hurt, and it does piss people off. 
Especially when they aren't ready for it
and don't want to hear it. 

I've wanted to just become stable for myself. 
I have given people a lot of chances to do things differently. 
They've given me a lot of chances to do things differently. 
So why couldn't we just get on the same page?
Sometimes it's possible, sometimes it's not. 
When two people WANT to be on the same page, 
it's possible. Very. 
And everything runs smoothly... 
Like some well oiled machine... 

Sometimes people are not ready to be together. 
Sometimes they are not on the same wave length. 
Sometimes they can't open their hearts to each other. 
Sometimes they can't communicate in an effective way... 

But been stuck in my head and in my heart
over something that was not working for a really long time. 
And there are reasons they weren't working... 
Reasons that I can't just ignore. 

But getting tired of being called a "good friend"
when that's pretty much all I am... 
And feeling like that's all I'm good for. 
Just being that "friend" who does everything for people
and they just take me for granted... 
Everything I do.... 
And they just seem to want more and more from me. 

And tired of being heartbroken all the time. 
When I'm "almost" chosen. 
But not quite chosen. 
Just frozen into "let's hang out."
And I told my friend that I have been doing things for him
that his gf should be doing.... 
And she's not been around to do those things for him... 
And he's still hooked on the gf who isn't around. 
Who isn't doing anything for him.... 

And yet I still help him out, 
still do things for him like he's more than my friend
and there was a time I thought he did want me, too. 

All I wanted was to be wanted, too. Some passion. 
Some romance in my life. 

But... I realize that I have to work on myself. 
Build myself up. Become stable. 
Feel better, by myself... For myself. 
Not because I finally get what I've wanted for so long. 
Not because there's finally no more excuses to hold back. 
Not because something finally works out... 
For the best, finally. 
Finally on the same f*cking page, 
of the same book, not a different page 
of a different book... 

But I am too tired to agonize over things that 
go south because someone took it there... 
Or someone's too hooked on something else
that isn't even going anywhere... 

And it feels like they are sneaking around with me
just to hang out, because that's all I get
but they don't want to tell their gf about me... 
Why am I the secret friend?

Just a lot of sh*t like this that I am so f*cking tired of. 
If you have to keep me a secret from your gf, 
then why are we hanging out?
And why am I helping you with chores etc
like a gf would do, if I was your gf?!
Doesn't make any sense at all. 

And I'm just really tired of this sh*t that I keep
finding myself in over and over and over again. 

Like When Is It MY Turn?
And the answer is Not Yet.
Not Now. 

Will someone finally see my worth?
And treat me like I'm worth it?

But... Really.... I have to see it in myself
and treat myself like I'm worth it. 
I haven't been. 
Been trying to hold onto situations
that I have no f*cking business hanging onto. 
Because it only hurts me in the end. 
Only makes me feel like I'm not worth it. 
And I am tired of feeling like that. 

But was I worth it?
Was I harder to deal with than I should have been?
Or did I call people out on their sh*t 
and they didn't like it?

"Just because you have a mirror
doesn't mean you have to shove it in anyone's face."

But I can look in the mirror, myself. 
I can really look at myself. 
WHY do I still do this sh*t?
WHY do I settle for this?
Why can't I have more, one day?

And the answer is that I have to be ready for more. 
I have to hold people to their sh*t, 
even though they don't like it
and don't like me for doing it. 
But I also have to hold myself to my own sh*t. 
And maybe, if I do that, more, 
others will start holding themselves to their own sh*t
and I won't have to hold them to theirs
and they won't have to hate me for doing it. 

Like I explained before:
1) Most people are not ready to see their own sh*t. 
2) They would rather stay exactly how they are
without having to change for anyone, not even themselves. 
3) People do not like or want to be held accountable for their sh*t. 

I know these things because I used to be that person. 
Nobody likes their sh*t rubbed in their faces. 
Even when they have their heads so firmly wedged up their own @ss.
Even when they are being a sh*thead... 

But pretty much what I've wanted
is for someone to tell me how they feel, really feel. About me... 
Not just "I like you, but...."
Or I like you for tonight, but the next day....
I'm just your "buddy."
And they make that known to me... 
"We're just friends."
Were we just friends when you kissed me?
When you wanted more?
When you had your arms around me?
When you said you'd move on with me?

But the phone rings.... "It's my gf! Don't say anything!"
"If the number ends with 04... It's my gf, don't answer it!"

But... "You can stay here until Sunday...." 
And "I'll call you on Thursday." 
"Help me with x, y, z...." 
"Go to the store for me...." 

Like f*ck this sh*t all the time... 
Maybe I won't stay for days and help with everything... 
Why? "We're just friends."
And since we're just friends.... 
Tell your gf about me... 

Just very tired. VERY tired. 

And I have a lot of changes to make, 
work to do on myself, 
and I can only help others so much... 
I can only help myself so much.... 

And it's like when I finally get tired
of waiting for some sort of movement forward
and retract into myself... 
It hurts them, when waiting all this time....
Is hurting me.... 

So when I choose myself, 
it's like I never loved them... 
And tired of the mixed feelings, the mixed signals. 
Just f*cking tired of hoping for progress. 
And need to just make progress in my life, for me. 
Without them if they don't want to give me a real chance... 

It's not that I require a lot from anyone. 
Just be straight with me about how you feel
and do what it takes to make things work. 
Give me a reason to stay
because I want to... I really want to... 
Just talk to me. 
It's not like I need the world or expect it. 
Kiss me like you mean it, 
help me feel it. 
Talk to me like you want me. 
That's all that I need. 
All that I want. 
Not too much... Is that too much?

Not looking for a rich guy.... 
Not looking for a guy to buy me things... 
Just kiss me, hold me, touch me, talk to me. 
Call me yours and don't be embarrassed about it... 

Don't make me regret giving you my heart.... 
Just don't. 
Don't hurt me, physically or otherwise.
AND DO NOT LIE TO ME.

Try to see things from my perspective. 
How things look to me....
And why they look that way to me... 

That would be nice... It would be nice... 

But I've got so much learning and growing to do right now.
I'll feel so much better. I'll do so much better...