Breaks

Breaks aren't bad in and of themselves.
Sometimes I take a break from posting on here, 
then I do a bit of an update...
(Not that a lot is going on in my life, these days).

Been on mood stabilizers, been helping. 
It takes the edge of like the doc said it would. 

Getting back to myself, slowly. 
Been spending time with a friend,
helping him stay clean. 
Helping him around his place.
We listed a few things for sale on FB marketplace.
He has a couple of tanks and winter tires with a spare tire
to sell so we'll see if we can sell them.

Been getting back to myself, and feeling a bit better.
It could be the meds or maybe a shift I needed for a while.
Like shifting gears... 
Changing my mind a bit more.
If people want to walk out of my life, 
why try to stop them?
Maybe they are walking out for a reason...
Can I bring everyone where I'm going?
Probably not...

I've got some books I intend to read soon. 
Probably will be posting my thoughts on those, soon. 
Can't just post about myself and my life all the time.
I'm not so special. 
Just been writing about what I know. 
Pretty much what's been on my mind and how I feel... 
(Not that it matters).

Healing a bit more, day by day.
Recognizing that some people haven't got the capacity
for certain things... 
Capacity has to be developed...

There was something I learned from a time
that things were going better for me...
"When your comfort zone expands, 
it doesn't shrink back to where it was."
It's more about becoming comfortable with changes.

"Things have to become different to get better."
And this means that we have to do different things
and do things differently for things to change.
Including the way that we think... 

Which I've had to do. It hasn't been easy
to pull myself out of the traps I used to fall into
that I used to set for myself
by letting others set them for me... 

It's hard to explain some things... 
Even when I try to....

Parts I've got from books...
Parts I've figured out by myself. 
It's like a transformation...
When I'm doing better and feeling better...
It took me a while...
It takes a while after breakdowns to have breakthroughs.

I've tried to work on some things, 
but those things were keeping me stuck
and feeling frustrated, and conflicted.
Sad and mad, overall. 

Someone told me that I got mad
because I couldn't get something I wanted.
The thing I wanted, the way I wanted...
Which makes sense.

I used to get pretty mad, a lot. 
Most of it was due to not getting what I wanted, 
but at the same time, feeling like I didn't want very much...
Probably just to be understood. 
I felt like if people understood me, 
things wouldn't be so hard, 
and I'd get the kind of cooperation I wanted. 
I'd be on the same page with people... 
They'd get where I was coming from, 
and how I think, how I operate....

I'd be able to command respect...
Instead of demanding respect, which does not work. 
I know this. Demanding anything does not work. 
It doesn't get anyone to listen, care, understand...
They don't care to understand...

I can see where I've wanted something
and been demanding about it. 
Not the mature way to go about it.
Been learning a lot.... 
So much to ponder and consider.
Considering things is a next level thinking. 
It's one thing to think and reflect, 
but it's another thing to consider things... 
Which a lot of people don't and aren't doing
because they rarely even think about things... 

"Don't worry about what others think, 
they don't do it very often."
I read it off a pin on a bag someone at the bus stop had.
Around that time, things were going pretty good for me.
It felt like the Universe was speaking to me in little ways. 
It's hard to explain... 
It sounds crazy.
Sometimes it makes me feel crazy.

Someone I was talking with the other day....
He was saying that it's easy to lose a sense of reality
when going too deep into spirituality...
I understand that feeling well. 

But lately, been feeling better about being alone
and doing my own thing.

Been tired lately, too. 
One issue is the meds making me tired, 
but other things as well. 
Tired of how most people don't get me, at all. 
Wanting what I haven't been able to have...
Crying over it, like a fool. 
If it was meant to happen, it'd happen.
Why cry over things that are not meant for me?
Why even want something not meant to be for me?
Why not let doors close?

Why pound on the door and try to kick it open?
I'd have the key to it, wouldn't I?

Kind of like wanting to or needing to reset a password...
Which I've had to do recently...

"Old ways don't open new doors."

And sometimes I have to just be alone.
To sort things out, to learn, to reflect and reset.

Being alone and taking breaks can be necessary...