More With Less

There's been a bunch of things I'm picking up... 
Just some things I've had to learn. 

One, that it's really okay to be alone
Two, I need to be good enough for myself. 
Three, I need to be content to enjoy my own company. 
Four, I need to stop thinking about wanting "love"
and just work on nurturing myself
like I never have before... 

Back in my 'dating days' I just really wanted to be 'loved'
and obviously, developing those feelings takes time
and there are people who are not going to feel that way about me.
I have to just be okay with that. 

Okay with what other people choose, 
even if what they choose isn't me. 

Been so messed up in the head
that Idk if I'd believe someone
if they told me they loved me.... 
I'd want to.... But will I?
I tend to believe actions over words, now. 

Been really stressed when it comes to "love"
and don't really want to put my heart on the line again. 
I had been trying to give it to someone
who didn't want it. 

And I broke my own heart by doing that. 
So do I ever express to anyone how I feel about them?
Ever again? It's a RISK to do that. 
And I should have known that. 

And for whatever reason, I'm not good enough in the end. 
So I need to just be good enough for myself. 

I was talking to someone who says he can just f*ck
with no feelings etc. 
And he said that if the girl catches feelings, 
it's her problem... 

And maybe it is my problem... 
That I had feelings for someone
who didn't feel the same way for me... 
Or maybe wasn't feeling it... 
Who knows?
I should be able to just take rejection and be like "meh, okay"
so I don't know why it hurts. 
Should it? Shouldn't it?

Obviously I should just get on  with my life. 
And just get my life together.
Because even if I could have the relationship I wanted to have, 
other things in my life still need to be set straight. 
For me, not to get or keep anyone's interest. 
Not to be 'stable' for anyone. 
To just be 'stable' for myself. 
Like I already should be.... 

Or could be had I put all my energy and attention
on other things, instead of how I felt about someone
who did not and does not feel the way I feel. 
And being upset with him
for not returning my efforts and feelings
wasn't going to make him feel or think
anything differently for me....

Anyway, it's just been hard feeling so low and sad. 
When the only thing I wanted was to just love, again. 

Not feeling great, at the moment. 
Haven't been feeling great... 

The other day, I was walking and the sun was shining... 
I felt okay from time to time, 
and I got waves of heartbreak.... It was painful. 

I've been knowing I've had to let go for a long time now. 
I don't know why I kept trying. 
It wasn't going anywhere because I was the one invested. 
He wasn't. At first, yeah. 
I thought it was all good. It felt good. 
It was great. 

But I made my mistakes. 
I'm not 'normal'
I get excessively expressive. 
I could do more with less.