Suspicions

Tried to chat with someone today who was suspicious of me. 
It was a hard sell, I guess. 
Why do I constantly have to prove I am who I am?

I get people lie, but doesn't mean that I am... 
I just saw the guy in another room, 
wanted to chat with him, sent a message
and he was so f*cking suspicious of me
that he asked for a timestamp photo. 
I humored him. 

Just bugs me when people think I have an agenda, 
when I don't have an agenda... 
Like I'm trying to do something when I really am not... 
That really bugs me
and that I don't know how to actually prove that I'm not. 

But I get how people do have agenda and are liars
and how we can't just trust everyone all the time... 
I get how people can get suspicious... 

Because not all people are who and how they say they are... 
People are strange these days. 
Stranger than they used to be. 

And I just don't have the will to explain myself to death... 
Like let people think whatever they want to think about me... 
That I'm a stalker or whatever... 
When I just unexpectedly send them a message
or come into their lives...
Or whatever it is... 

I'm just very tired. Very tired of being painted as something I'm not. 
And tired of trying to prove I am who I say I am. 
When I don't even know how. 
And tired of people trying to make me into
what others say I am or think I am. 
I just don't have the time to be anything other than who I am. 
And it sucks that I can't just be myself
and be accepted as myself. 
And be seen as I am... 

Just very tired of a lot of things. 
Being upset when people hide sh*t from me
and then accuse me of hiding things from them... 
But I am not. I don't have to. 
Anything they want to know, I'll tell them. 
Even things I don't want to tell them. 

But anyway, I should just stay away from people. 
Easier than going through that sh*t constantly. 
Easier than being left out in the cold
after REALLY trying. 
After a long time of trying... 
And getting nowhere... 

And just... I don't know why I even try sometimes... 
I've been through a lot of sh*t
and still don't know why, 
but there's reasons why... 
Whether I'm told those reasons or not... 

Makes me not want to try to get to know people, though.
And most people don't try to get to know me... 

And maybe I'm just supposed to be alone for a while. 
And just heal my heart and get over some things... 
Just been hard. Being betrayed and hurt and just... F*ck that. 

It's been f*cking ridiculous.... So have I. 
And maybe because I have been, all of this has been... 
I've been in my own way... Constantly. Consistently... 

Anyway, I'm still tired.