Isn't Conducive

Been getting back into my old bad habits. 
Isn't conducive to working on myself... 
To getting myself onto a better track in life. 
It seems like I'm still in a storm and I don't know
when or if it'll blow over, maybe it won't, I don't know... 
But do I waste my life away because of the things I'm going through?
Or do I try to work on things and live a little better?
Despite what might happen?

It feels like all the things that have happened
are because of things I did in the past... 
When I wasn't thinking... Did things anyway... 
Based on how I was feeling at the time.
I let my feelings get the best of me and I can't let them run the show. 
I have to think things over and think better... 

I resolved to do better for myself 
because I'm the only one who can make changes for myself. 
I can't rely on anyone to change anything for me. 

Even if someone who'd be perfect for me
came into my life right now, 
I'm pretty much a sh*tshow. 

And I got to do what is going to work for me, 
change my mindset, change my own life. 
The meds might help a bit, but they can't magically fix things. 
I'm not really interested in dating much now. I tried it. 
Some aspects of having a partner are nice, 
but it always distracted me from working on myself, 
and I don't know why. 
If anything, you'd think that it would encourage me
to be a better person, better partner... Etc. 
And yes, I needed to be a better parent. 

But right now, I need to become a better person
and all the other stuff will fall into place... 
Yes, I have sabotaged myself so much... 
Some people think I did the right thing, 
other people think I made a mistake. 
And I feel conflicted on what I did, 
and it alienated me from my son
who I was already pretty much alienated from... 
Before this... And he thought I didn't care.
If he knew all the times I called his father
and his father didn't answer, 
but there were reasons his father wasn't answering
and didn't want to talk to me... 
Because I have been unstable etc. 
All over the place emotionally.... 
Not in a good place... 
Haven't really ever been in a good place, tbh. 

Anyone who's ever been in my life could affirm that. 

But at the same time, having a personality disorder
doesn't help very much.... 
And is not an excuse to just live like this and be like this....