Still

Seems my ex still reads my blog. Never read it when we were together.
But seems he reads it every day. Why?
He wanted to go his own way because I did not want to get back together. 
So we haven't been in contact for like 5 years...
But I guess he still "watches" me. 

Maybe to see if I started dating again?

Hard for me to trust enough to want to, tbh. 
After everything I've been through the last few years... 

And I want to focus on working things out, for myself. 
And not fair to try to drag anyone into my life. 
Probably ever. I'm not in a good place. 
Doubt I will be any time soon... 

Does that answer the question?
Doesn't answer mine, though. 

Why not just be done with me?
We haven't talked in years... Y'know?

I still get collections calls for him... 
Maybe he should do something about that? Eh?

Anyway, "I know you keep reading my blog." Why?

I often wish that I had just worked on myself, and stayed single. 
I was working on myself after I quit drinking and I was doing okay. 
Then I stopped to put my effort and focus on the relationship. 

And I wasn't focusing on other things I should have been... 
I should have been doing more in other areas of my life. 
I regret that I wasn't. 

And now that I don't have a relationship, 
I can focus on those other things... 

It seems that when I'm doing better, or decent, 
people wanted to be in my life... 
They were willing to give me another chance, and yup...
I blew it. Either I did, or they did. 
Because I was willing to put the work in. 
I was willing to work things out.... 

And yeah, a lot of people underestimate me. 
Due to a lot of past stuff. 
Like I was never "good enough" for them. 
Like I didn't bring enough to the table. 

And maybe I wasn't. Maybe I didn't. 
That can change. 

And maybe my mind and heart wasn't always as open
as they could have been. Or should have been. 
Maybe I was too reserved when they wanted more. 
What's a girl with a personality disorder to do?

Just be "normal"? For everyone's satisfaction?

Maybe they didn't get to know me
because I haven't gotten to know me... 

But yes, I was too selfish and that... Wasn't cool of me. At all. 
And others have been stubborn and selfish, too. 
Has it just been me? No. It hasn't just been me. 

Did I meet their expectations, though? No. 
Did I do my own thing? Yeah. 

And through it all, I learned that maybe what I want is independence. 
Not to depend on anyone else. 
Not to feel better about myself, not for anything. 

One thing I wanted from relationships was validation. 
Wanted to feel wanted and want-able. 
Why because it made me feel good about myself. 
It boosted my self-esteem. My ego. 
It did feel good. 
It doesn't feel good to be rejected. 
By those I love... 

Has everyone's love for me been conditional?
"I'll love you until you hurt me."
"I'll love you until you p*ss me off."
"I'll love you until I can do better."
But I was like that. 
I left for stupid reasons... 
I had stupid thoughts and stupid thinking. 
I was immature. 

Also, there has been a lot of immaturity 
in people I've been with, too. 
And I've tried to tell them, 
but it's all sh*t they didn't want to hear, 
let alone face, 
but at one time, I didn't want to hear it. 
I didn't want to face it, yet here I am.... 

Does being willing and able to face it make me more mature?
Does realizing a bunch of things make me more mature?
Does participating in therapy make me more mature?

Someone asked me tonight what made me wake up.... 
And it took losing my son to wake me up. 
It took realizing how I affected him. 
It took me seeing the consequences of being the way I was. 

Sometimes the cold hard truth, you can't ignore. 
And pretending or thinking things are okay, 
when they aren't... You end up seeing... 
And yes, I should have seen a long time ago... 
I should have known some things a long time ago... 
But I didn't. I thought things were okay. 
I knew they weren't great, and neither was I....
And things weren't great because I wasn't... 

I had love on my mind. That's pretty much all I wanted. 
Did it solve any of my issues? No. 

But did I deserve it?
Did I deserve to be loved the way I wanted to be loved?
Ever? I'm thinking, no. I didn't. 
I'm not the best version of myself...
I may be a better, older, wiser version. 
But I am not the best. 
Is the best yet to come...? 

Will I magically feel better?
When there's a lot I don't feel good about?

And it's not about me feeling lonely. Because I don't. 
I'm okay being on my own, now. 

I wish some things had been different, 
but they weren't. 
And it was up to me to make things different.
To try to make things better. 
But I made things worse... 
I feel like I shot myself in both feet... 
Pretty much did, but I guess I had my reasons for doing what I did... 
It wasn't like I did what I did for no reason... 

But was it effective? Did it solve anything?
Did I still do the right thing?

I keep second guessing myself... 
And keep regretting what I did. 

And I keep having nightmares... 

The depression is the worst... 
Worse than ending any romantic relationship... 
Worse than being alone.... 
Worse than anything I ever felt before... 

And nothing I do seems to matter... 
It's been really rough... 

Does writing here count for anything?
Or do I do this to help get things out into words?
Maybe it serves no purpose... 
Depends on what I write about... I guess... 

And just been feeling really sh*tty... 
About everything that lead up to where I am...
About this situation I'm in... 
I got myself in this situation... 
Now I can't get myself out of it... 

Maybe it will take a miracle to get me out of this. 
Or through this... 

I've really screwed up. 
I have caused a lot of harm and pain... 
I just want to make everything right. 
But I don't know how. 
My son gave me lots of chances, in the past. 
If he hadn't scared me with the things he was saying.... 
I wouldn't have gotten scared... 

But I had to do something, I had to handle things better.