The Hard Way

It's been rough. Very. I keep wanting to reach out to my son... 
I keep wanting to talk to him, hug him. See him... 
It hurt me every time he stopped talking to me
for periods of time... 

And I have to carry on without him, for now. 
Maybe even forever... 

Christmas time is hard enough without losing my son, again. 
Lost my Grandfather, my Grandmother. 
Both in December... 

I have a phone appointment with a counsellor tomorrow. 
Also, I'm having a meal delivered tomorrow. 
Also, I have to pick up my stuff from a friend's house tomorrow. 
I was still upset with her and she thinks it's ridiculous that I was upset. 
Because she is not easy to talk to, at all. 

I tried to explain some things to her. 
She chalked it up to how I don't appreciate our friendship. 
I do not like being told what to do all the time. 
I really don't. I can only put up with it so much. 

Been really depressed, really stressed. 
Holidays coming up, want to be alone. 
It's okay to want to be alone... It really is. 
Less stress. 

And she mothered me a lot. I did not like it. 
I'm not a child and not her child. 
I get that is her way of showing she cares, but I don't like it. 
A lot of things drove me up a wall. 
And yes, I got on her nerves, too. 

But I am not the only one with flaws 
and can stand to make changes in my life. 
But I also need the time and space to make those changes. 
Away from everyone. On my own. 
And since pretty much everyone is leaving my life. 
Instead of "take the time you need"
"I understand this is really hard for you."
"I'll be here when you're ready."

Or whatever...
"Come get your things. I think we're done here."

I have healing to do and don't want to slip into old habits. 
I have therapy stuff. I have to figure stuff out. On my own. 

She doesn't get it, she's not working on herself... 
She is not going through what I'm going through...

I need to go on this soul journey and fix things deep inside,
and heal on a very deep level... 

I never wanted to follow the crowd. 
I never wanted to conform. 
Never wanted to be all about make up, shopping
and all things people think I should be about... 
All things they are about... 
Fashion, clothes... "Looking nice" 
I dgaf about people's opinions about how I look. 

I'm falling apart... Should what I look like matter?
To anyone? To me? No. 

Just want to be myself... 
And feel better, and do better... 

Without letting people help me
and them throwing it in my face... 
Why let people help me when they do that?
Thought I was helping them because they wanted to?

And I came to realize that if people want my help, 
they can ask for it. 

I've tried to help people who didn't want it, 
didn't appreciate it. 
Left my life because I was trying to help them. 
Like my son.... For an example. 
Even though it is my duty to help him... 

And people don't really understand....
The situation... Everything.... 
They don't and easy for them to judge me. 
What I did, what I didn't do. 
How I handled it. 

And everyone can judge me based on who I used to be. 
Everyone. Idgaf if they do anymore. 
Nobody really knows me anyway... 
Can they judge me more or harsher than I judge myself?
Can they? I don't think so. 

I'd just like to feel stable after a lot of really hard stuff in my life. 
And work on that. And feel better from there. 

I was supposed to use and practice these skills. 
And I didn't. I went off on my "friend"
because she didn't give me time like I had asked for. 
She just told me to get my stuff. 
Thinking we should fix things right away. 

I said a bunch of stuff, was kind of harsh.
I was frustrated with her because she does not get me at all. 

I don't think I'll find anyone who will ever get me. 
EVER. And I'm tired of trying so hard
and nothing I do is ever good enough... 
Because I just ask for something simple like TIME. 
It's hard to try to use skills that are not natural.

If she wanted to fix things, she could have just waited. 
Instead of me to come to her, apologize to her, 
try to make it work with her. 
There were some things that were not working for me. 

I could not explain to her from my point of view
when she only sees things from her own point of view. 
Because her point of view is the only thing that makes sense to her. 

And yes, she has been a friend to me. 
She has helped me with some things. 
She was as nice, as she could be, to me. 

But there were some things that we not nice. 
On both sides. Not just on hers or mine. 

I need to balance out my emotions. 
And not stay stuck on the past... 
All these memories coming up, 
All these things I'm realizing,
All these things hitting me like a train all at once, 
for months now... It's hard going through this. 

But I have to go through this. 
I have to learn my lessons. 
I have to learn so much more than my lessons. 
And I can't teach others their lessons
and learn mine.... 
I heard that we are presented with the same lessons to learn
until we learn them... 

I see the cycles I was stuck in... 
The depression stuff is really hard to be in, 
and hard to get out of... 
And I was out of it for a bit, 
doing okay, but then I got sucked back into it... 

Because I was trying to date again... 
I had found my old crush online
and I was upset about some things
that weren't exactly a big deal, 
but to me, they were.... 
And there was a lot of toxicity that I was ignoring. 
But it was affecting me, deeply... 
But I kept going like it wasn't. It was. 

And it was pretty painful, actually. 
He knows he hurt me and did it on purpose. 
I am tired. Just really tired of the pain. 
Why do the people I love hurt me?
Why did I let them?

And then people wonder why it is really hard
to open up my heart again.... 
To even want to be in a relationship... 
I thought I was ready and tried.
"At least you tried."
But I'm still really hurt and I'm in pain.
A lot of pain... 

No pain, no gain? So they say.... 
There are lessons in pain, I guess. 

There was someone who was telling me
"don't touch the hot stove."
"don't add to your own misery."

but what is hot unless you find out?
what is misery unless you find out?

But when all you know is pain and misery for so long.... 
You start getting used to it, 
even though you do not want it anymore.... 

And when you start being happy
and feeling better, it feels really weird. 

But I am also really scared of getting hurt now. 
Even though I should be used to it, by now... 
I don't want it. Already so much pain... 
It's hardly bearable... 
But how much of the pain did I cause for myself
by self-sabotaging myself?
By ruining things?
By making a deal out of something
that I could have walked away from?

And how many times did I want to fix something
that I needed help to fix?
Instead of looking at myself and just fixing myself?
It's been years and years... 
Years that I could have been working on myself. 
And people can stand to work on themselves, too. 

But in the process of being f*cked up, 
and f*cking up, I have been learning a lot about myself... 
I still have really hard questions to ask myself... 
Like "WHY?" Why did I do this? Why did I do that?
Why do I expect anyone to understand why I did what I did?
But I have to understand why I did what I did,
and understand why it is wrong that I did what I did. 

And how to do things in a way that makes sense and works better. 
I could have tried to use those skills, today, but I didn't. 
She already decided we were done. 
I needed some more time. 
But it is easier when someone else decides. I guess.
But even though my son decided, it's not easy to let him go. 
But I have to. I don't want to. He is my son. 

I've thought about sending the emails I wrote to him
to someone and asking them to just write me a reply.
To help me get through this. 
Even though I know it won't be from my son... 
Writing the emails helps, but I shouldn't send any more. 
I should let him go and keep hoping that he wakes up, one day. 

I just wish people will do their own inner work, 
search their souls... Work on themselves, 
take responsibility for certain things... 
Even for their level of honesty... 

My son was being honest about the things he was telling me. 
That I appreciate. 
He appreciated he could talk to me about those things. 
I appreciated that he did talk to me about those things, 
but we had to talk about those things. 
And he has to question himself about those things. 
He has to reflect on those things. 
Will he? He's mad that I told all those things. 
I can understand why. He sees it as a betrayal. 
I can understand why he feels that way. 
He was finally starting to open up to me... 

But at the same time, there has to be a line somewhere. 
And sometimes we have to let people learn what they need to learn. 
On their own. 

Have I been through enough pain that maybe I can be happy one day?
Definitely things in my life and about my life
that I am not happy about... 
That most people would not be happy about... 

Most endings, if it is something really important to me, 
is really hard for me to get through. 

Life's been throwing a lot of crap at me... 
And it is because I've made a lot of poor decisions. 
It's been a lot to take. Really hard for me to take. 
And I see where I went wrong. 
I see where I have held resentments... 
I see where I have reservations... 
I see where I have been hurting myself... 
In a lot of ways... 

I just really need to rest and recover and repair myself... 
My views, have boundaries, healthy boundaries. 
And not have impossibly high standards for myself and others. 
Let go of old beliefs etc... 
It's okay not to get what I want. 
In life, in love, in anything. 

If I didn't go through the things I have gone through
and am going through, would I have gotten to a place
where I realized the things I realized?

Like if people around me didn't finally get tired of my sh*t... 
And if I didn't finally get tired of other people's sh*t... 
And just tired of my own sh*t... 
And so tired that I didn't start wanting more out of myself
and more out of life... 
And trying to push myself for more is hard. 

Like when I was talking to my ex about being more
strict about my diet and eating healthy... 
Which I still have not done, yet... 
He said that if you push yourself in the wrong way
you won't get yourself to do it
because you won't want to do it.
Like if I keep trying to push my son to forgive me
he's not going to want to. 
He doesn't want to, either way, 
but not because I want him to, that's for sure. 
Just like he did not want to go to the hospital, either. 
He did not want to talk to the police about the things he told me... 
Or anyone, he chose me to talk about those things. 
But I don't know why he was trying to scare me. 
Why would he not expect me to be scared?

I have to look at my strengths and use them... 
Instead of sulking and crying and being scared... 
Just wading in my misery... 

I could stay in this, or learn to rise above this...
As hard as it is.....
I could try to make the most of things... 
Even though things are sh*tty.
Things are not pretty. 
Things are not easy. 
I've made them sh*ttier... 
I made them harder... 

Because I could not find the way
to really connect with my son
and really help him change his mind, 
and really help him, 
without seeking help from the system. 
Because the system does not help. 
I had to learn this the hard way... 
And there is usually another way... 

But because I already went that route, 
and they are upset that I did that... 
I understand why they are... 
I wasn't thrilled the times the cops were called on me, 
even the wellness checks... 

But I understand that people were concerned
and that they thought it was in my best interest... 

I'm mature enough to know and understand that... 
although I wasn't happy about it, at the time. 

It's about seeing things from a higher perspective. 
Lots of challenges this year, the last few years... 
Been pretty f*cking hard... 

Had to learn a lot of lesson the very hard way... 
And I have to now try to bounce back from a lot of things. 
Even though it's been really hard...