Isolating Again

Emotionally, it's been really hard to cope with a lot of stuff 
that I've been reflecting on.... 

Lots of endings in a short amount of time
and been isolating myself. 
Mostly due to all the shame that I feel.... 
And guilt. 

I wasn't at my best in my 20s. 
And I didn't know that I have BPD.... 
Knowing it now, helps, 
but had I known years ago and got help.... 
Where would I be now?

I thought it was just depression and anxiety, 
as I was told that it was.
Dysthymia is what I was told that it was... 

Been learning a bit more about PTSD, too. 
Wish I had known more about it and how to get help for my son. 

What I did didn't help. At all. 
And I know he's going to hold it against me. 
Among all kinds of other things he's already holding against me... 

I'd like to think that when we are young, 
we're allowed to make mistakes... 
Until we learn... 

I've learned the hard way.... 
The really hard way... 
At a cost... 

I realized that I self-sabotage, a lot. 
I f*ck things up for myself and I don't know why. 
Like the more important it is to me, 
the more I f*ck it up.... 
Can anyone relate to this?

I'd like to think that things could have gone differently,
and that I'm not the only one to blame for how things have gone. 
I am to blame for some of it, but not all of it. 
And that's not me trying to escape responsibility for the things
that I am to blame for. I am to blame for what I am to blame for. 

I'm haunted by my past. 
Been told that I need to stop focusing on the past... 
And to move forward.... It's hard. Really hard. 

I keep looking at where I've failed... 
How I've failed, even why I've failed...
Who I've failed. 

I'm so f*cking stuck, in my head, in my heart... 
And it's my own f*cking fault!

Been hating the old version of myself. 
When I was at my worst... 
For being at my worst...

I'm not at my worst anymore, 
but still not at my best... 

It's going to take time to rebuild myself. 
From the lowest I've been for a really long time... 

The last few years have been really hard for me. 
Nothing I asked for or wanted... 

Stomach dropping stuff... 
Fear stuff, 
heavy, heavy, heavy sadness.
Very sad.

It seems not many things seem to work out for me... 
Not the things that mattered to me the most.... 
That I wanted the most.
I ruined things... 

Been having a lot of nightmares lately. 
I wake up feeling sick. 
I'm not going to write about the contents
of these nightmares. 
Thinking about it makes me feel sick. 

Brings a whole new meaning to
"Sick and tired."

Been working on a website. 
Might work on that later today. 

I feel like taking a sleeping pill, though. 
To try to get back to sleep, 
but I want to have good dreams....

Been watching some movies.... 
Not horror movies.... 
I don't like horror movies. 
They seem to be getting worse and worse. 
Some of them warp people's minds. 
Like "never the same after watching.... X movie."

Just feel tired and sick and need a good sleep. 

And it's really hard just to feel better... 
A lot has been going on... 

Gets me just wanting to be in my head and be alone. 
And people not understanding me....
And twisting everything I say.... 
And holding so much against me.... 

But I can understand holding things against people. 
I've done this. A lot of it... 

I realize nobody's perfect, I'm not. 
But when people expect more from me
than I'm capable of... It bothers me. 
I wish I was capable. I wish I was perfect. 
I beat myself up more and harder than anyone could. 

"If I had just done this, if I could be like that..."

And I keep being told "you're not normal."
Is anyone with a personality disorder "normal"?

And it's like people keep minimizing my feelings
and minimizing everything I'm going through. 
And it just sucks. 

So I just isolate myself away from most people. 
Almost in my own little world... 

Because it's "safer" than facing the reality of things
that have happened and are happening... 

And my life's been falling apart for a while now. 
Due to self-sabotaging.... Mostly, 
but because I'm tired of being misunderstood, 
and feeling unappreciated, and minimized and made to feel less than. 
In so many instances of my life... 

I've had a hard time with depression stuff before this... 
A lot of this and I want to feel better.... 
If things that were going badly were going better, 
it'd be easier to feel better.... 

But they are not and I don't. 

And no apologies.... 
Just "Sorry you feel that way..."
"Sorry I can't help you."
"I've given you more apologies than you deserve."

And my son got really dark and I have nightmares... 
And I just want my boy back and want to just be a mother... 
Just want things to be back to when he and I were on good terms. 

But I wasn't even at my best back then.... 
And I can see how that felt for him... 
And I blame myself... 
Every day... 

If I had been a better person... 
Had I been a better mother... 
Had I not had depression....
Had I known that I have BPD and got help... 

Had I been able to get help for my son... 
So much sooner.... 

I wasn't aware that he needed help until it got this bad... 
Talk about a wake-up call... 

And now what? Have nightmares for the rest of my life?
My son rejected me. Because I spoke up about it
in the attempt to get him help... 
Because he needs it 
and it seems that nobody hears me...
Has anyone ever listened to me? Ever?

It's maddening and I'm sad and I just... 
I want to give up sometimes because 
it seems like it won't get or be better... 

For a while, things were okay. 
Things were starting to pick up. 
I was starting to feel better... 
I thought things were getting better... 
They seemed to be getting better... 

My son started talking to me after 2 years... 
And then things went downhill again... 

I keep feeling "not good enough."
All because I'm not "normal."
Because I don't want to be manipulated or controlled... 

Just want to be accepted as I am... 

But yes, I can stand to improve. 
Just hard to work on myself in this really low place I've been... 

But at the same time, I can't let being in this really low place
be an excuse for not working on myself... 
For not getting better, for stagnating here... 

Even if I've been "resting" and "recovering"
from things that have been so shocking and painful... 
Like I can't even explain how painful it's been... 
But it's been painful for others, too
not getting what they wanted, or having what they wanted... 

And it's like I'm responsible for meeting all their needs... 
All the time and it's like I don't have any.... 

And yes, I have to choose better feeling thoughts.... 
And I might have better dreams etc... 

And go and create my own world, where I'm not hurting. 
Even if I'm delusional for not facing the facts... 
Just to feel better.... And it seems insane.... 
It's either suffer, or end my suffering... 

Someone told me: "Keep hope alive."
And I have to admit I've been feeling hopeless. 
And scared.... Feeling like a millionth of a cm tall... 
Just feeling like a nothing... 

But also feeling like why should I do all these things
to make others feel better 
when they aren't making themselves feel better?

When people aren't appreciating what they have?
And taking me for granted... 

And trying to force me to conform to them. 
And just not realizing that I want to be free to choose. 
And not be told what to do or controlled in any way...

I want to be happy controlling myself
and doing things because I want to, not because I was told to. 

And I want people to see they don't have to tell me what to do all the time. 
And why it bothers me. 

If they tell me what to do and what not to do
when I'm not doing anything other than "annoying them"
because they can't accept certain things about me... 

I kept repressing myself for years until I just got to be
a shell of who I used to be. 
And it just made me want to be alone more and more and more... 

So I push people away, and sometimes I don't even want to
and sometimes I regret doing it.

But I don't want to live my entire life
based on everyone's opinions about me... 
Based on how they want me to please them. 
And not just be myself. 
"They don't get you, at all."
And yes, I really want people to understand me. 
But does anyone? 

But it really bugs me when people are in it for them,
"I'm helping you.... I'm just being nice to you."
But they are doing it for themselves. 
To feel good about "helping"
but they aren't actually helping. 

But I "let" them help
and I get "you're not thankful enough for everything I do for you..."
Everything I let you do for me?
Because I didn't ask you to do anything for me. 
Things I thought you did because you wanted to... 

Like a "friend" I had... 
Was "helping me" because he thought I needed his "help"
but he just was so bossy all the time. 
And got mad at me for not accepting his "help"
and not doing what he wanted me to do
because he wasn't getting what he wanted... 

And then another friend with the same issue, recently. 

Like am I here only to be told what to do?
To be controlled?
To give everyone what they want?
And those who cry that I ignore them
are actually ignoring me
because I told them many times
what I DON'T LIKE. 
AND WHY I DON'T LIKE IT
BUT THEY KEEP DOING IT
BECAUSE THEY SEE NOTHING WRONG WITH IT.

And they cry to me, about what they don't like. 
So I'm the only one "adjusting" to make them happy... 
Until I'm not even ME anymore...
And they wonder why I stop wanting to hang out like I used to. 
Because they always have something to say about me
when I'm not compliant. 

Like I have to do as they want.... 
Because they are used to being made happy
by getting what they want... 
And what they want is to tell people what to do. 
And what they want is to "help"
until I'm not "thankful enough."
So I don't want to let anyone help me, sometimes. 
Unless I ask for help, 
and when I ask for help, I rarely get it. 
It's either accept "help" I don't want... 
Or not get the help that I actually want and need. 

And have I gotten resentful when I didn't get what I wanted?
Yes, I have gotten resentful. 
I've gotten passive aggressive. 
As though it would clue them into what I wanted from them. 
BUT IT DIDN'T GET ME WHAT I WANTED
BECAUSE PEOPLE DON'T LIKE THAT!!!

So why would they just comply
if they feel like they are being forced into it?
It doesn't feel good to be forced into doing things
that had they wanted to do or it felt natural for them to do
they would have done it. 

I've ruined things with people
because I expected and wanted so much more from them. 
More than they were capable of... 
And then being passive aggressive about it
and mad that they didn't do it... 

There's a story I read about on the web... 
It was about a woman who was wanting free swimming class for her kid
and wanted the woman (teacher) to start that day at a specific time.... 
And then when the teacher refused
and said she had already cancelled classes for that day....
She was still adamant that she teaches just her son. 

And then said she would throw her kid in the pool at that time
and if anything happened to her kid, it would be the teacher's fault
even though the teacher said she wasn't teaching that day. 

And then she was saying how she should charge for the free lessons
for the other kids and give her the money!

And then when the teacher stopped replying, she got mad. 
Because she expected replies. 
And started resorting to calling the teacher names. 
As if that would make her compliant!

It was an example about getting mad about not getting what they wanted. 
Like I can understand getting disappointed... 
But getting mad like you're entitled to it is another thing... 

And then this other example... 
Where a guy kept asking a girl out and she wasn't interested.
And he accused her of playing hard to get...
She kept trying to decline, nicely... 
And then he started getting aggressive about it. 
Not accepting no for an answer...
And then started calling her names....
Will that get her to want to go on a date with him?
"Let's show her how immature I am..."

And my "friend" who keeps trying to be nice to me and "helping me"
and trying to tell me that she's my best friend
and that I'm her best friend.... 
And asking to borrow money from me all the time... 

And then being pissy and passive aggressive with me
when she doesn't get what she wants...
And really bossy... 
And when I try to tell her that I want to do things on my own.... 
She gets mad at me for "not listening" to her... 

And then when I don't like something and it makes me feel yuck... 
Like being told what to do like all the time.... Manipulated... 
Like people who manipulate think there's nothing wrong with it. 
And I kept just being compliant, "people pleasing."
And whenever I said no to anything
or did something other than what they are telling me to do.... 
They get mad at me and it's like I'm not even allowed to think for myself... 

And they don't see how being manipulative isn't something most people like. 
And why they don't want to hang out anymore.

They never reflect on that. 
Because they're "only trying to help."

And I get how my son feels. 
Because of the times I was trying to help him, 
but because I actually wanted to help him. 
But I also made a bunch of things worse for him. 
To the point he cut me out of his life. 

But I made a police report because I was trying to get my son help. 
For the things he was telling me... Disturbing things. 

And things the police are not cut out to deal with. 
Things I should be cut out to deal with, as a parent. 

There are some things so shocking that I don't know what to say... 

And when my "friend" was expecting me to say something
and I told her I didn't know what to say
she told me what she wanted to hear!

So am I supposed to say what people want to hear?
Just because they want to hear those things?
Even though it doesn't feel natural?
Even if I don't mean it?
I would rather say nothing
than say something I'm being forced to say. 

But with my son, it's different
because I should have said something. 
And not the things I ended up saying, or doing. 

I wasn't expecting that from my son. I really wasn't. 

And I guess you can say there's been things
over the years he didn't expect from me.
Like going to the police. 
And trying to get him into the hospital... 
When he didn't want to go
and they don't offer much help there, anyway.
It is a 'safe' place...
A break from the regular environment... 
A change... But not much else. 

I've been in the hospital as a teen many times. 
Suicide attempts etc. 
But I didn't know I have BPD.
You'd think that with all those hospital visits....
I could have been diagnosed... But I wasn't. 
So I didn't get treatment... 

And even the treatment I got, it isn't enough. 
I need to be able to use the skills and practice them
and had I been able to when I was younger,
I would have been able to use them now... 

Things like communication skills. 
I can put things into writing, like I do on here.
I can explain why things affect me
and how, but when it comes to verbalizing anything... 
I feel like it's been useless
because most people don't listen to me
and hold their authority over me
and I don't even get basic needs met.... 

But I can't control anyone
and I can't force them to meet my needs or desires. 

And have I been manipulative in the past? Yes. I have. 
And I know people have gone out of their way
to do the opposite of what I wanted them to do
just because I wanted something and expected something from them.

Probably because they don't want to be controlled either. 
But I've had people try to control me so much in my life!
And can't seem to find a balance where
I could negotiate with them. 

And does everything need to be negotiated?
Aren't there some things that are non negotiable?

It's been really hard and been really struggling.
And I know others struggle with this stuff too. 
And they think that they have to manipulate to get what they want. 
But is what they want so important?
Why? Because they'd be happy if they got what they wanted?

And of course it feels sh*tty to get what we don't want.
What we never wanted... 
What we never asked for... 

And sometimes it is a lesson for me...
Other times it is a lesson for them... 
But if they can't see what they are doing wrong... 
The mistakes they are making.... 
And they don't realize what's wrong with it... 
They don't see it as wrong... 
And they just keep doing it.... 
And they don't learn... 

And it is hard to make people learn from their mistakes. 
Unless they look at themselves... 

But they are too busy looking at others and judging THEM. 
Not themselves... 

I did this, too. For a long time. 
Not happy with the flaws of others... 
But not recognizing what is wrong with me. 
And not seeing how I was affecting others... 
And getting defensive whenever things were brought up to me... 

So I know what it's like. 
Not to want to be made to feel bad... 
But when the guilt and shame comes
on its own, it feels bad.... 
When you realize what you were doing wrong... 

And then you want to know why nobody said anything. 
Because when they did, you got defensive.... 
Because you didn't want to hear it. 
Because you turned everything around on everyone else. 
Blamed everyone else for why you were being the way YOU were being. 
Because you refused to take responsibility... 

And is it enough to take responsibility?
It's a start, but correcting your issues is the next step. 
CHANGING.
And not being forced to, but forcing yourself to, if you have to. 

And YES people can be taught to be a certain way
by NOT being taught NOT to be that way. 

And sometimes we have to actually teach ourselves
HOW NOT TO BE.
AS HARD AS THAT IS SOMETIMES.... 

But my "friend" thinks that after enough time passes, 
that things between us will just resume, 
but she won't change because she doesn't have any reason to
as long as I keep complying and trying to "please" her.
When there really is no pleasing someone
who needs to be "pleased" all the time. 

Who can't meet her own emotional needs... 
And I'm trying to learn how to meet my own. 

It's okay not to get what you want all the time... 
Even when you really don't ask for much. 
And I don't feel like I'm asking for much. 
But people don't seem to understand me, at all. 

The little things matter to me... 
And they used to make me happy. 

And I used to take so much for granted... 
And now I don't have anything, anymore. 
I don't have my son. 

But he has so many lessons he has to learn. 
And so many things he wasn't being taught. 
And hard to teach someone who doesn't want to listen... 

And I learned a lot the hard way, too. 

It took me a long time to mature... And I'm still learning. 
I'm taking responsibility after years and years
of not wanting to. 
Because it's not an easy thing to do, most times. 
Even admitting certain things is hard to do. 
Because it seems everyone judges everyone for everything... 

And being judged so harshly.... 
By people who don't understand the struggles... 

But not doing things because you don't want to... 
There's plenty of things that we don't want to do, 
but must do anyway... 

Like letting people go their own way when they want to. 
Even when they are leading themselves astray. 
And I lead myself astray so I know what that is like. 
When you lead yourself astray, it's easy to be lost. 
So lost that we're beyond lost. 

It's supposed to be up to certain people to guide us, 
but when we don't let them guide us.... 
And we'd rather lead ourselves astray.... 

And certain people are supposed to care enough
to point us in the right direction. 
And ENSURE that we go in the right direction. 
Even when we'd rather wander off. 
Even when we'd rather follow others who went in the wrong direction... 
Because it makes sense as to why they did... 
Doesn't mean they had to. 
It just means that they did... 

And can we force people against their wills?
They build resentment... 
If being forced to comply
to avoid getting people upset and angry
when they don't get what they want. 

But when they think that what they want
isn't too much to ask for...
And they think it's not wrong to want what they want... 
Even though, it is... 
And they can't see why... 

How do we draw the line so that they don't cross it?
How do we get them to decide the better road to take?
How do we get them to do the right thing?

By instilling the importance of doing the right thing?
And how do we do that when they refuse to listen?

And someone told me: "At least you tried."
And I don't feel like trying is good enough.... 
I feel like I failed my son. 
I feel like I really failed him. 
And FAILED BY FAILING HIM.

And I was failed by "the system"
and by a lot of people... 
So was he, not just by me. 

And I wish he could see that. 
I wasn't the only one... 
But he was counting on ME. 
I LET HIM DOWN MANY TIMES. 
SO WHY WOULD HE WANT TO LISTEN TO ME?

Even after I have learned so many things
that I should have already known... 

Gained insights that I should have already have had.... 

And if he had listened and wanted to.... 
Maybe I would have been able to get through to him.... 

Maybe someone else will get through to him... 
And I can hope and pray for that, one day... 
It may take years, but it may happen, some day. 

Even though it was my job to get through to him. 
Even though he was taken from me. 
Due to many faults of my own... 
And he hasn't been happy, 
but also he chooses not to be happy. 

One thing that I learned in AA is that we can't selectively numb our feelings. 
And feelings need to be expressed in a healthy way. 

I express myself in writing, the only real way I have. 
Because I spend so much time living in my own head, 
misunderstood by most people
and not having certain skills.... 
That I was unable to give to my son. 
And I put up with so much sh*t from so many people.
More sh*t than most people will ever know.... 
And I was angry, too. For years. I still get angry
when things aren't fair.

And then I retreat... Into this world. 
Because I feel like it's all I have.... 

And yes, I paid for my stubbornness. 
And others will pay for theirs, too. 

And maybe one day those who failed me
will see how they failed me. 

And those who fail themselves
will see how they fail themselves. 

Maybe. It's what I hope for... 
And someone told me to keep hope alive.... 


As long as people choose to remain ignorant... 
Or are unaware of how ignorant they are... 
Is hope going to ever be enough?

Even if people read this blog... 
After I die or whatever... 
That'll likely be the only time... 
I don't let most people into my little world... 

I know they judge, I know they have opinions... 
I have, too. I have some, too. 

But nobody can judge me more 
than I already judge myself. 

Since I became aware.... 
Many things have been coming to the surface.... 
And I can't pretend that they haven't.... 
When you see some things, you can't unsee them. 
But we have to look for and at the things that matter more....
And know why they matter... 

And it's not just about what we want all the time. 
Even though some things would be nice... 
To be heard and understood... 
To be listened to, taken seriously.... 
Appreciated. Loved, cared for... 

It's soon to be the anniversary of my Grandmother's passing.... 
I miss her so much... I think about her often. 
She listened to me, she was patient with me, 
she cared about me and showed me. In her ways... 
She loved me. So much. 
More than anyone. 

And everyone took her for granted... 
It pained her so much. 
She used to cry to me about it. 
She just wanted to be loved, treasured, adored.
Like she deserved to be.
There was truly no better gem.... 
And how she was treated was awful. 
She deserved better. So much better. 

Anyway, all I've got is writing. 
And maybe I'll just stay home for Christmas... 
I don't want to celebrate it this year. 
The ones I love aren't in my life
because they choose not to be.... 
And I miss them, so much... 
I love them, so much. 
Even when they don't deserve it. 
Even though they treated me badly... 

And yes, I behaved badly, too. 
Many times. It's not all them... 
And it's not all me... Either.