Hard To Handle

As hard as it is for me to cope with being emotional, 
it can be hard for others to cope with me being emotional. 

It's been a rough few years....
And none of this feels good to me. 

The things I realized when I reflect on the past....
Doesn't feel good. I didn't want to listen.
I freaked out, too. 

I didn't handle it well and been told others would have handled it the way I did, 
but did it help anything or make it worse?

Been told that the "what ifs would keep me trapped in my head
so deep that I wouldn't ever see the light of day."

I've been looking so deep at myself and the more I see about myself, 
the more angry I am at myself for not seeing certain things
that I was doing wrong... 

Someone told me today that I should cut myself some slack
because at least I'm trying.

I'm still trying to reconcile with my son. 
He told me he doesn't want me in his life. 
He said that I ruined his chance at having a future. 

It's hard to accept let alone handle it.
Emotionally.... It's so rough. 
I miss him all the time.

Sometimes I think I should try to feel
the way I would feel if I had him in my life. 
Instead of feeling like I do without him in my life.

Despite everything. I don't want my feelings to depend on certain things. 
Like feeling depressed over this. 
Over losing people I had in my life.
Because I still have a life to live. 
And yes, it'd be nice to be happy. 

Even though there are things in my life
that obviously I'm not happy about. 

I'm not happy that I don't have my son in my life. 
I'm not happy about the circumstances. 

I'm not happy about a lot of things that happened
in the last few years... 

But should I let not being happy about these things
make me unhappy for the rest of my life?

Anyway, I almost fell for a scam... 

It was a antivirus scam. 
Saying that my subscription was renewed. 
And to get a refund, to call the number. 

The guy wanted me to download
a remote viewing software onto the computer.
And I told him I'm not doing that. 
Told him that it was a scam. 
He got angry and called me a liar. 

So I went to the actual site to get the number to talk to an agent. 
I told him what happened. 

He said that had I allowed access to my computer, 
they would have added some ransomware
and demanded money from me to remove it. 

He said that they get calls like mine all the time. 

I can't remember if I leaked my email address to the guy...
I hope not... 

Anyways, that happened today... 

Been really sad and this time of year... 
It doesn't get easier... 
There have been other times I didn't have my son with me.... 

The times I did, I miss them... I miss him... 

So I guess you could say that all I want for Christmas is... My son back. 

But I know he's angry and I know why. 
Because of me. Mostly. 

And because he needs help that he doesn't want to get. 
Or isn't getting... 
It's been really rough... 

But crying about it won't change anything. 
It's not going to. I can't. 
I know this. I still cry sometimes, though.

I can't help but wanting to get my son back, have him back. 
Wanting him to want to be back.
He doesn't want to be in my life. 

All of this has been like my worst nightmare. 
I never wanted this. Ever. 

I don't know how to make peace with him. 
I don't know how to make peace with his father. 
I don't know how to come to terms with this. 

Or how to just live my life without my son in my life.