Lately

Emotionally, a lot of things have been really hard. 
Hard to think about anything other than this. 
And feeling a lot of shame etc. 

It's not something I can pretend that I don't feel. 
All these things coming back at me. 
Really hard not to judge myself
over past mistakes, etc. 

My son judging me, and not wanting me anymore. 
He has a lot to judge me on, I guess.
I am judging myself, too.

I've reached out to my son a few times. 
He's still really upset with me. 
I know why. I feel so guilty. 
I've apologized but it is going to take more than that. 

But also, I feel like I am owed an apology from him, too. 
Which won't happen unless he sees how he's hurt me, too. 
Unless he sees how and why he was wrong, too. 

And not just blame everything on me, 
but I am to blame for a lot. I know this. 
And saying "sorry" isn't going to mend the brokenness. I know this. 
I feel really stuck at this point. 
Because I need to find a way to get his cooperation. 
And it seems impossible because of how angry he is. 
With me, with his life in general... 
About everything that I did, and everything that ever happened to him. 

I get that it's hard for him to get over this. 
I get it's hard for him to forgive me. 
I get why he's angry. 
He doesn't get that I did what I did because I got scared. 
And I felt like I had to do it. 
Even though I didn't want to do it.
And I have regrets about doing it, 
because now he's even more pissed off at me than he was. 
I have been told I made a mistake and it feels like I did
because the police could not do anything about this.

And I needed other help that I couldn't find. 
And it wasn't suggested or offered to me. 
And I had a duty to do things differently, too. 

I ruined things because I didn't know what to do. 
I got scared. Acting out of fear doesn't help. 

Now I'm even more scared than I was, if that makes sense. 

I had no idea what was going on with my son
until he started telling me these things. 
And I had to act on these things. 

Meeting anger with anger doesn't always help things. 
Being angry that they are angry. 

He's already decided that I am wrong. 
I am responsible for how I react. 
And reacting emotionally isn't the best way to react. 
I had to use logic and thinking on my feet isn't my strong point. 
Then I took some bad advice and then made it worse. 

And I just feel like a sh*tty mother and a bad person. 
And selfish because I wasn't thinking enough OF him. 
Even though I think about him all the time. 
There is a difference between thinking about someone and thinking of them. 

And it just brought up a lot of sh*t about myself that I wasn't ready to look at. 
But I have to. I should have looked at it a long time ago.

And then people who think badly of me are going to think badly of me. 
"Why did she become a parent when she doesn't know what she's doing?"
Can I blame my lack of experience? My lack of support?
For the choices I had? I messed up. Badly. I can see that. 
I have to live with this every day. It's hard. 
It's hard to live with myself. 
To the point that I just don't really want to live anymore.

It's hard to set things right that should have been set right a long time ago. 

It's really hard for me to show people I care about them
so they think that I don't. 
And I get that people want other to show them they care. 
I get how it feels when it feels like nobody cares
because they don't show it. 
That's been most of my life. 
I know how it feels, though. It hurts. A lot. 
I never intended to hurt my son the way I've been hurt. 
Never wanted him to feel like that. 
I tried to show up for him when I could. 

There were times I didn't and couldn't
and didn't know how to. 
It wasn't because I didn't want to. 
It was never because I didn't want to. 

And yes, I have had bad habits. 
And yes, I modeled those bad habits. 
And yes, I disappointed him and let him down. 
Too many times. 

I've tried to apologize for all of this. 
I've tried to explain even though my explanations were not justifications. 
I've tried to own all my mistakes. All of them. 
The things I were wrong of me and I told him that it was wrong of me. 
As an adult to a young adult. 
In hopes that he might understand, might forgive me one day. 
But it's up to him, not up to me. I can't force him to change the way he feels about me. 
Even waiting for him to change the way he feels about certain things... 
I'd be waiting for the rest of my life... 

I want to have hope, but I can't get my hopes up. 

I've been in this spot before, but this time it's worse. 
And I should have talked to him before all of this. 

I had no idea what was going on in his head, 
he didn't talk about it until he started talking about it. 

And I feel like it's up to me to change his mind, 
but he won't listen to me. 

And I know a lot of this is due to his lack of skills. 
Social, communication, all kinds of skills
that I didn't instill in him, neither did his father... 

And these are skills that are hard just to pick up. 
I know this because there are a lot of skills
that I see that I don't have. 

And I guess when I was younger, I couldn't see this. 

And I've been told that I'm not "normal" many times. 
By many people who had certain expectations of me. 

I know I'm not thriving so how could I expect my child to?
I've been struggling, mostly alone, and so has he. 
I see that. Knowing that does stuff to me. 
Because, yes, I do actually care. 

Did I care enough to ensure I wasn't making mistakes?
Did I care enough to think things through?

And this is what's going on in my son's mind. 
He thinks it is easier not to care. 

It's not so easy when all your mistakes catch up to you. 
It's not easy when people you love and should have shown love to
aren't in your life because of how badly you screwed up.... 

It's not so easy living with loads of guilt and shame every day. 
And just because you think it wasn't 'that bad' 
doesn't mean that it wasn't. 
Or you think it could have been worse.... 
Doesn't mean that it wasn't wrong. 

There are a lot of lessons I've had to learn the wrong way. 
And I can't expect things not to go wrong. 
Because I was wrong. I was. 
And I won't sit here and act like I wasn't. 

And I can't sit here like people aren't judging me
or going to judge me if they knew everything. 
I'm not going to sit here like I've been a perfect saint all my life. 
Or I don't deserve to have things blow up in my face. 

For giving up when I shouldn't have. 
For not putting in my effort. Trying harder to do better than I was.... 
All the time I wasted chasing after the wrong things. 
With all the stupid thoughts I had. 
When I was so depressed, in my despair, struggling so much. 

And I know what it is like. It had a big effect on my son. 
His father's depression, too. Which I contributed to. 
I can't sit here and say that I didn't. 

It's hard to own it, all the sh*ttiness over the years. 
It's hard to say, yes, I was a sh*tty person. 
It's hard to say that I want to do better now
since I've had a long time to do better. 

I've been finding myself wanting my son's approval, 
and wanting him to accept my apologies,
and see that I am owning my mistakes. 
To see that I know where I went wrong.

When I was younger, I was pretty selfish. 
I should have seen that, but I didn't. 
I don't know why, but I didn't. 

I've been starting to see a lot of things about myself that I don't like.
Not just things about others that I don't like. 

Been reading up on NPD. I found a bunch of posts about it on a site. 
A lot of them seem to fit my son. 

And I have seen some of it in myself, from how I used to be. 
A lot of it explains why I did the things I did
and why I felt the way I felt, at the time, 
and why I acted the way I acted. 
A lot of shame there, a lot. 
Things that damaged my son and our relationship. 
Things that I realize were wrong and didn't think things through. 
Things I did in my relationship with his father and other relationships. 

"The common denominator in all your failed relationships, is you."
My ex said that to me. Easy for him to say, he'd only been in one relationship.
But I wasn't ready to date and I started depending on how 
"being in love" was supposed to feel etc. 
And meeting my emotional needs through him when he didn't know how to meet them
and expected me to meet his.
We weren't doing that for ourselves. 

And even when I've met healthy guys. Which are few and far between... 
And I end up feeling so guilty and ashamed of myself
for being so f*cked up that I even up ghosting them
before they can ghost me, but they end up doing it first.
Which hurts, but I know they can do so much better than me. 

When C***** and I stopped talking.... 
It was to the point I wasn't offering him anything. 
He was the one providing all the value in the interactions. 
I felt like I couldn't give him anything, but wanted to, still do. 
I feel like I owe him for all the time he wasted on me. 
He knows how f*cked up I am and he did try to help me. 

But I started relying on him which isn't healthy. 
To help me feel better. I've found myself doing this other times. 
And I wasn't using him. It wasn't like that. But I did rely on him. 
He is a healthy, reliable guy who has his head on straight. 

I love digging into the minds of people who can think straight. 
Who have their heads on straight.
They help me think about things and look at things in a different way. 

All these posts I've been reading.... I see myself in those. 
I don't think a lot of people who've been selfish really realize it. 
I think at some points, they can look back and see it. 
IF they are willing to do that and REALLY look.
And a lot of them can't handle the shame and take the blame. 

I heard that it is due to egotism. 
Like how I used to get really mad and defensive 
when people criticized me. 
Instead of trying to look at things from their POV. 
Mostly because I didn't want to feel bad about being wrong. 
Or about f*cking up. Or being f*cked up. 
So I guess, I tried to act like I wasn't wrong. 
Even though I was. 
And then not wanting to be wrong
made me not face sh*t for way too long. 

I didn't want people to look at me like that.
I still don't, but they are going to look at me the way they will anyway,
based on their opinions, etc. 

Like today, I made a comment about how the government
is forcing people to get "the jab."
And then I was called selfish for not wanting to get it. 
Like I had no regard for fellow humans, etc. 

And then people are trying to tell us
that we have to get it to protect each other. 

Anyway, I have a bunch of thoughts on it. 

But I know that people who have all been told the same thing
and all got the jab for the same reasons
all have the same thoughts about it.

But I could be wrong. I'm not always right. 
There are other people on the fence about it, too. Not just me. 
They could be wrong, too. 

Anyways, I just feel like I have a lot of learning to do. 
I want to be hopeful that I can change if I can figure out some things. 

Can people who have personality disorders effectively change?
Can they fix their personality? 
Can they change who they are and how they are?

 I heard that with enough guilt and shame, 
people can be motivated to want to change. 

I blame myself for so much of this because it's been my fault. 
I can see how it's been my fault.
And I don't know how to fix it now. 
The damage has already been done. By me. 
And I was too unaware to see that I was doing harm. 
By not meeting his needs and mine went unmet, too. 
Not that mine are more important than his.
But I didn't put him first, like I should have. 

Reading about all of this and looking back, I see it. 
I have the ability to reflect and I have some insight
and I know where I went horribly wrong. 
And not writing this to make it seem better, or make myself seem better. 
It's been pretty painful looking at myself. 
It's been pretty painful for him
as it was for me, too. 

Very painful looking back on everything. 
And realizing I am to blame, here. 
I wasn't the mother I wanted to be. 
Not even close. 
And I'll likely not get the chance again. 

And I look at parents who are close with their kids. 
I see that it starts at a young age. 
And I was going to college and started drinking. 
Both those things took away from being a mom to him. 

He needed that time to bond with me. 
But I was at school, or I was at a bar. 
I wasn't with him as often as I should have been. 
And his father is very emotionally unavailable. 

Plus, he's lived with his father for the last 10 years now....
Which probably hasn't helped him. 

He didn't get to develop in a lot of ways, neither did I. 

But I didn't know I have BPD until this year... 
Would it have helped if I got treatment years ago? Maybe. 
If my son got treatment years ago? Probably. 

And it isn't an excuse. It's not. 
It makes a lot of sense as to why I've been so f*cked up. 
Why I've been struggling emotionally... 
All kinds of things.... 

I'm going through a lot of depression stuff lately. 
I have to accept things, though, 
like the facts. I made mistakes. I made poor choices. 
I was being selfish. 
And I have sabotaged myself in so many ways that it's unreal. 
I really wish I hadn't, but I have. 
I should have known I was doing it.
And not done it. But I did it. 
And I can't undo it. 

That's so hard to live with. 
I can't even start to tell you, or anyone.
Writing it on here is a step that's hard to take
because it's hard to accept the mistakes I made
and that I had the choice and I chose wrong.

If I hadn't been so consumed with certain things.... 
I'd like to think I would have chosen differently. 
I so wish I had chosen differently. 
I wish I had developed, fully. 
I wish I didn't stunt my own son emotionally. 
Or stunt his growth due to mine being stunted. 

Something wants not to be the only reason for his stunted growth. 
And something feels like I am the main reason for his stunted growth. 

And even though I reached out to him to apologize
when I finally realized how I was wrong and where I was wrong...
I don't want him to think or feel like my apology is some type of manipulation. 
But I don't want to appeal to him emotionally
because I don't want to make it seem that I'm trying to change the way he feels about me. 
Or in general. It's not to try to make myself feel better, either. 

I don't even think I want to try to get or be close to anyone. 
Many people have left my life and I can see why. 
I came across a type of way to them. 

Even though I actually wanted to be close to someone.
The closest I was to anyone, was my grandmother. 
I'd be a different person if it wasn't for her. 
I wish I was more like her.... I miss her. 

I miss my son, too. I really miss him. 
But I can't rely on him coming back, somehow
to help me feel better. 
Chances are very slim now. 
Slimmer than ever. 
Because of me. 
Because I sabotaged myself with him, yet again. 

I see in which ways I've been toxic, as a person. 
Not that I wanted to be or even realized that I was. 
So I can't blame my son for wanting no part of that. 
I don't want a part of his toxicity, either. Or his father's. 
But it's still hard to just let them go live their own lives
as though I don't gaf about them anymore. 

But there were times I should have shown them I cared,
they both needed that from me, and I needed it from them, too.
They wanted that from me. 
I wanted that from them, too. 

There were times they showed me, times they didn't. 
There were times I tried to show them, but they needed more. 
I left them feeling like sh*t. 
And for many, many, many, many years. I've felt like sh*t. 
And just wanted to feel good and relied on others too much. 
Instead of just feeling good. 

And I made other people miserable, and didn't give them enough attention. 
And I really, really, really f*cked up. 
I really did. 

It's hard to admit to everything. 
Even the things that I should have, already. 
And I don't want to make it seem like I'm trying to manipulate my son. 
By confessing and trying to address certain things with him. 
I should have tried to address things before. Much before this. 

And tried harder to repair things with him. 

I can see how damaged he is. Not just from me, from his dad, too. 
From everyone in his life who didn't show they cared, enough. 
Who have their distorted views and distorted his. 
I was toxic and I blame myself. 
My mother's been toxic to me, too. 
She's not aware of how toxic she's been to me. 
And she doesn't want to hear where and how she was wrong. 
Nobody in my family does. 
I didn't either. It feels like sh*t to feel shame. 
I feel it so deeply. Deep, deep, deep regrets. 

And it's hard to cope with it. 

It's hard to look at ourselves. It's really hard. 
Most people don't want to look at themselves. 
Because it's hard. 

I am the common denominator, in most cases. 
But I'm not the only one who f*cks up. 
And "but I'm not the only one" is not an excuse to f*ck up. 
It's not an excuse. Having BPD is not an excuse, either. 
Being stunted isn't an excuse. 
I don't have any excuses. 

I want to tell my son all these things. 
I want him to see the other side of me
and I want to address things with him. 
But he is not ready and he might not want to. 
It might be too late... 
I just want to so much.... 
But it's not up to me. 
I wish it was. 

If it was, my son and I would have been close. 
And I wouldn't have gotten scared
because there wouldn't be anything to be scared about. 

And he and I could just talk. 
About these things and other things. 

I thought that he and I would be closer when he got older. 
I wasn't an easy person to deal with, a lot of the time. 
Maybe even most of the time. 
Especially when I was at my worst. 

I need to process all of this. It's been so hard. 
And I can't really talk to anyone about this. 
About how ashamed I am of myself... 

And people tell me to stop beating myself up over this.... 
That thinking about it all the time is torturing myself. 

But all the times I didn't think about this.... 
All the times I was just "okay" with things that weren't okay. 
About myself.... That I was doing. 
That I couldn't see that I was doing.... 
Or even why I was doing.... 
Or why I was trying to justify it.... 

It's part of growing up. Finally. 
It sucks that I lost everyone to look at everything. 
Even if they don't want to look at themselves. 
Maybe one day they'll be ready to do it, too. 
Maybe they'll stubbornly refuse to like I was. 
Maybe even because I was... 
And I am blaming myself. 
For refusing to do what I was supposed to do. 
I was supposed to be looking at myself. 
This whole time. 
Maybe I would have seen what others were seeing in me. 
And there are times they told me
and wanted to tell me, 
but I am overly sensitive and they didn't want to hurt my feelings
or get me pissed off because I didn't want to admit they were right. 
I didn't want to see myself like that, but I was like that. 

And the drugs and alcohol I used... To try to manage my emotions. 
It only made things worse. 

I couldn't see how immature I've been. 
I can still be, at times. 
I don't want to admit I have been, but I have. 

I want to tell this to my son and talk to him about all of it. 
He won't talk to me.... 
Because of all the things I want to talk to him about.... 
All the past things that have built up. 
Because of me.....

And I can't even start to tell you how it feels.... 
Seeing it and knowing it... 

And then "when do you pick yourself up
and try to carry on with the rest of your life?"

"When do you get help to correct your behavior?"

Waking up to it is one thing.... 
Doing what I have to do is another thing. 

Like when someone has been dysfunctional for a long time...
So much so that they can't see how dysfunctional they've been.... 

And I can't blame my son for not wanting to suffer anymore. 
And I can't blame him for feeling the way he feels. 
But there comes a time where he's going to have to wake up, too. 
And look at himself, too, not just at me. 

But he looks at me because I've been the adult. 
And I haven't been great at being an adult.
And that disappointed him, so much. 
It broke his heart. 

Made him lose faith in me and in his life.

I know how it feels when it feels like nothing's working out for us. 
I never got anywhere with some people, most people in my life. 
He feels like he never got anywhere with me
and that he wasn't ever going to. 
That's why he stopped talking to me all those times, 
even though those were some of the most painful times of my life. 

But I have to focus on fixing myself 
before I can even try to fix things with him
and there might not be any fixing things with him, this time. 

Just been so ashamed that I stopped talk to most people. 
And I know they think I don't care about them. I do. 
I just have a hard time facing people because of the shame 
that I brought on myself.

And depression is one thing, I have had a lot of things going on. 
But NONE of those things are excuses for not being a steady person. 
For being closed down, shut off, emotionally unavailable
the times that I was and then suddenly showing my emotional side, 
my human side when people have stopped caring
and they stopped a long time ago, 
because there were times that I stopped and they remember that
because it f*cking hurt. 

And I stopped because it felt like they did. 
Maybe they did, but maybe they did because it felt like I did?

And I know what it's like to be so far up my own butt
that I couldn't see what I was doing wrong. 
I know what it's like to sabotage myself,
and I have hated myself for doing it. 
I've lost so much from doing that....

And feeling like I don't deserve anything. 
Because I wasn't good. I was selfish. 

I broke my son's heart and put him through sh*t
because I was going through sh*t. 
And it wasn't fair to him and it wasn't right. 
I can see that now. 
I wish I had, at the time. 
I don't know why I couldn't see it. 
I don't know why I had my head up my @ss, but I did. 
I was young, dumb, and I'm learning as I get older. 
But even people younger than me have their heads on straight. 
Even they can see it. 

And I just dropped off the radar because of guilt and shame. 
Feeling ashamed of myself and blaming myself. 
And yes, I should take the blame. 
I should take responsibility. 
I should be accountable for everything I did and didn't do. 
Everything I should have done and shouldn't have done. 
Everything. All of it.

All of it landed me here, alone. Still missing my son. 
Not that I miss anyone because I'm lonely. 
I don't get lonely anymore. It's not about loneliness.
It's about guilt and shame. 
And facing myself for the person I've been. 
And the person I wasn't. 
And the person I wish I was. 

Even if I improve as a person, it won't make up for years and years
of selfishness and stupidity on the part of my younger self. 
That my son had to witness, and live with, and endure. 

I really wish I could talk to him and talk about all of these things.... 
I really doubt it would make a difference at this point. 
And I'm not doing it because I think it might make a difference. 
I mean, there's hope, but I just wish.... 

And there are things he likely wished for.... 
It took me too long to quit drinking, and dating. 
And took me too long to realize the damage I did to him. 
It took me too long to realize a lot of things. 
And I really don't know what to do now. 
Or if anything can be done now. 

I really just want to fix things with him. 
I can't just go back in the past and fix everything. 
What's done is done. 
What's undone is undone. 

I don't like how things turned out
and I was hoping for a happy ending. 
I want to say there's still hope, one day, 
but there might not be. I don't know. 

And all I want to do is cry and cry and cry. 
I never thought things would go this way. 
Never wanted things to go this way. 

But someone told me that crying's not going to change anything. 
He's right. I needed to hear that a long time ago. 

When has it ever changed anything?
Just because it's painful af
doesn't mean crying about it is going to make it better. 

Even crying doesn't make it feel any better
or make me feel any better. 

What would make me feel better is to fix all of this, 
but I really don't know how and don't know if I can. 
I made so many mistakes and chose wrong.
I really wish I hadn't. 

Been really mad at myself, and sad... 
I hadn't even heard of BPD until I got diagnosed. 

I've felt like I was on an emotional rollercoaster with some people. 
But a lot of the time, I didn't think it was me. 

And dealing with people who have BPD, too.
It's hard because people trigger each other etc. 

It's likely that my mother has it, that my brother has it.
It's likely that my son has it. 

There's times I see it in myself, and in other people. 
But I didn't start making certain connections until I started seeing it. 

I posted a video Dr. Phil made about it. 
Some things I agree with... Some things I don't. 

There isn't a lot of help or treatment out there for BPD. 
There's DBT, but I have been in "treatment" for at least a few months,
but I don't find it particularly helpful. 

It is treatable, and I should have gone for help a long time ago. 

"There's more stigma about BPD than anything else.
You probably don't want to lead with that
because people won't take you seriously."

And I was raised by my mother who likely has that.
Up to the point where I was around 13 or so. 
I passed it along to my son. Didn't know that I did. 

Never felt accepted, merely tolerated. 
Almost never felt loved. 
I haven't felt like most people understood me. 
I can see how I took a lot of things the wrong way, 
and took a lot of things personally. 
I can see how I've been extremely and overly sensitive. 
And how I misinterpreted some things, etc. 

It's not all about being misunderstood by everyone, though. 
"Why can't they just understand me?"

But I've seen a lot of things in myself, especially lately.