Too tired to sleep.... I am tired, but can't sleep.
Been checking the stats on here and there were 132 views in one day.
Most from the U.S. I don't know where the views came from.
It was surprising because it's usually a few here and there.
Just trying to work some things out emotionally, mentally...
I have a bunch of things to accept. Things that are hard to accept.
Things I don't want to accept...
And it's hard to just "move forward" and "get on with my life"
when all this is going on in the background.
And all the sh*tty things I did in the past
makes me feel like I've had this coming for a long time.
And yes, I did make mistakes. Lots of them.
I made bad choices and obviously there are consequences for those choices.
And if it wasn't me writing the report, maybe someone else might have.
But obviously, I broke his trust which does not feel good.
I did/do have a cause for concern
that has me not being able to function like I used to.
Not that I was high functioning before this.
But I don't want to lie to myself and tell myself
that everything is going to be okay,
and by some miracle I've been praying for
things will turn around somehow.
And that certain people will see certain things from my eyes.
When I can't be sure 100%.
I heard of this story where a woman's son killed his sister.
So this woman still loved her son and wanted to be there for him,
but he had killed her daughter.
So she lost both kids.
And the internal conflict is crazy.
Because as a parent, most parents love their kids...
And we don't want to see our kid as a killer.
And the kid did it to punish his mother.
And I keep asking myself if my son wants to punish me...
Banning me from his life is a big punishment
and how he has punished me many times,
just stopped talking to me.
Stopped having anything to do with me.
Treats me like I don't exist.
Whenever I did something he didn't like.
Or something. Wouldn't talk to me about it.
And I used to do this, too.
Because I couldn't talk to anyone about how I felt.
Most people turn it around on me
and make it about them.
And about how "f*cked up I am"
and minimize everything I'm going through.
Because what they are going through seems to matter more.
Like what I'm going through is nothing.
And I get that there are things worse than this.
Worse than a kid just ghosting his mother.
And I have to grieve him all over again.
And I let him have all this power over me
over how I feel about myself, etc.
I have given my power away a lot of times.
To him and to other people.
The power to effect me so deeply, and...
Why? Because I love him?
Because I want him to want me in his life?
And the desperation to have him back...
Does he enjoy that? Does he enjoy hurting me?
And a part of me says: "If he wants to be left alone, leave him alone."
"Let him be on his own."
"Let him think I don't care anymore."
"Let him think whatever he wants to think."
But then I keep thinking:
"Would the power of a mother's love heal anything?"
Not if he is convinced that I don't love him...
So then I try to convince him otherwise.
I try reaching out. I try to address things.
I try to apologize. And nothing.
Not even any angry words. Just nothing.
Like I literally don't exist.
Like I wasn't the one who sang him bed time songs, read him stories,
did all those things with him...
Like none of that matters or means anything to him.
Why would it? I wrote a report.
And I did it to try to get someone to help me to help him.
He doesn't want help.
And every way I tried to help him was unhelpful.
And he resents me for it, for trying.
And for not being there at times, for being at my worst.
Because I was supposed to be at my best, for him. Always.
I wasn't. And he remembers.
He remembers a lot of things.
Things he doesn't appreciate.
I can understand that.
Am I that person? I want to say I'm not.
I've learned quite a few things. Reflecting, thinking.
The things that I thought would make me happy
didn't bring me happiness.
And I'm not happy without my son.
I'm not happy with the circumstances.
Or the conditions. Or with myself
for thinking that the things I thought would make me happy
would make me happy. They didn't, they don't.
And if I was happy, for a few moments...
I was always thinking about my son
and how much I missed him
and that should have told me
that I should have been with him.
And I tried to write to him.
I tried to tell him these things.
And it just seems like it means nothing to him
because I don't, anymore.
It's not as simple as "I'll be back soon."
I was away. I gave my attention to other things, other people.
I wasn't giving it to him, he needed it more.
And he was mad at me back then. I didn't know it.
Hence I regret a lot of things.
And I should have just been with him.
Why wasn't I?
Because I wanted to date?
Did any of those relationships last?
Were any of them more important than being with my son?
Why did it take me this long to realize what is important to me?
And did my father feel this way about me?
Was it this hard for him?
If it was, I can understand why he did what he did.
Because I'm losing it.
Different circumstances though.
I can understand why and how he couldn't take it anymore.
Being a rejected parent hurts like you have no idea...
Estrangement....
And then I was reading some post...
About how a single mother was saying that she's ALWAYS with her kids....
ENJOY IT. I used to be, for a while, too.
I didn't cherish the time like I should have....
But when an ex doesn't want to see you
and they have custody of your kid...
And the kid thinks you don't want to see them,
that they mean nothing to you....
They don't understand what it's like.
They don't know they are missed all the f*cking time.
They are being thought about all the f*cking time.
They just see that you're NOT there.
So why should they care?
And it's actually between the parents...
One parent can't get over themselves
to let the kid know that the other wants to see them.
Thinks about them all the time...
But did I make the most of the time we did have?
No, I didn't. Because I thought we'd be closer
when he got older and understood some of this.
But he's old enough to know why his mom and dad broke up.
But it had nothing to do with him.
And him going to live with his dad wasn't my choice.
And I thought I'd have some time to get my life together.
And I thought he'd be okay with his dad...
But I wasn't okay with my mom.
And I see a lot of toxic traits in myself that I don't like.
That nobody likes. I see how I sabotage myself.
How I push people away who I actually want in my life...
And then I cry when they leave.
When they get tired of feeling unwanted or unloved.
But deep down, I'm so f*cking tired of feeling unwanted and unloved.
By pretty much everyone in my life...
I'm so tired that I could go to sleep and not wake up...
And maybe that is how my father felt....
Because he died.
No coming back from that.
And I was so angry at him for doing it.
But now, I understand it.
I was angry at him for leaving me here.
And I know my son is angry at me for the times I left him.
Even though I was coming back, and I did.
And things would be okay for a while.
He's got his depression stuff, too.
He's got his low self-esteem, too.
He's likely got BPD, too.
With PTSD, and maybe OCD stuff....
A lot of pain, too.
Some of it I caused. Without realizing it.
I tried to talk to him, I tried to tell him all these things.
I'm nothing to him now.
But there was a time I was something to him.
And there were times he gave me chances.
I'm just tired. So tired now.
I saved the pills from the accident.
I have refills if I need them.
I could just.... I could.
But I wouldn't be able to let him change his mind.
I was mad at my father because I didn't get the chance
to forgive him for hurting me.
And change my mind, let him back in.
I used to talk to his parents.
I thought that maybe they would welcome me.
But they didn't. I think they blamed me, too.
Because I didn't want to see my father if he didn't want to see me...
And he didn't because I'd always be waiting for him to come get me.
Waiting all day, for him to come.
Looking forward to it, until I realized he wasn't coming...
Again.
And then I found out it was mostly because he was an alcoholic.
And then after he died, I became one.
And that was not fair to my son.
No comments:
Post a Comment