Not A Lie

It's not a lie to say I have a lot of emotional baggage. 
The other day, I was talking to someone
who asked me if I had someone or something to cuddle. 
Even a pet... I used to cuddle my cat... 

Sometimes I hug my pillow. 
Sometimes it helps. 
He said to do that and pretend I'm in the arms of someone
who loves me unconditionally. 

I guess the only one who has loved me unconditionally
was my Grandmother.... 

Anyway, all this emotional baggage has been slowing down my growth
because I keep focusing on the pain of everything I've been through. 
And the regrets I have that I caused pain, too.
Because I know how it feels. I really do. 
And I get mad at myself for causing pain. 
As I should. Because it's not right. It's not cool. Not okay to do that. 
Whether out of anger, pain, or anything... It's not. 

He also said that I should find some happiness for myself, 
but it's been hard because I'm not happy with the things 
that have been going on in my life. 
How it has affected me. 
Or how I have affected others. 

It makes me want to completely withdraw from most people. 
Even if I really feel alone in the world. 

There were times I felt I needed from relationships. 
Whether it was validation, (probably)
or wanted to feel loved, wanted....
When I was needed elsewhere.... 

And I need to get back to myself, 
away from this need of validation. 
Of needing and wanting to feel "good enough" for everyone. 
When I haven't felt "good enough" for myself.... 

And yes, I have been cold, mean, distant in the past, too. 
So I can't blame anyone for being that way with me. 

And I could see how I was being, 
how it affected other people.... 
I guess until it started affecting me, back. 

And.... I can't control how other people take things. 
Or how they feel about themselves.... 
I can try to help them feel better, 
but how they feel is up to them. 

There's been a guy who has been helping me, a lot.
He said that he likes helping people feel better, 
but he also said he's been taking on other people's burdens. 
And even though he's one of the few people I can talk to, 
it's a lot. I made this huge mess of my life
and I have to try to fix things. 
I'm the one who f*cked up. 
Due to the issues I have.... 
I'm aware that the issues I have, caused other issues. 

And that is a step that not very many people take. 
They don't even want to admit they have issues. 
Let alone admit that their issues caused other issues. 

In my 20s, I didn't want to take responsibility for very much of anything. 
I was raised by my mother who never took any responsibility. 
For anything she ever did or didn't do. 
And I sort of used that as a reason or an excuse not to, either. 

But of course that blew up in my face. 
Because I couldn't see how selfish I actual was. 
Until it affected other people and then....
Although I'm so f*cking sorry.... "Sorry" means sh*t to them. 
It doesn't change or erase anything. 
It doesn't change how they feel. 

And now I see this with my son
who'll be going into his 20s in a couple years. 
Whether or not he realizes things, that is up to him. 

I can't force anyone to realize anything. 

Once they see me the way they see me, 
it's very hard for them to change their mind about me. 

And that is true for everyone, not just me. 

And even if I want to apologize to everyone from my past.... 
For being the way I was.... Would they accept it?
Would they see I have changed?
Would they care?

Because at some point, they did care. 
And started caring less and less and less
because I didn't care enough, about them. 
Because I was being too f*cking selfish.... 

And everything blew up in my face. 

And in the end, I didn't get what I wanted. 
What I want is for those who used to care, to care again. 
And to fix everything I broke. 
Without breaking it more than I already have. 

I wish I could go back to that time and kick my own ass
for being the way I was.... I really do. 
If I had a glimpse into the future...
Had realized so many things so much sooner
and made more efforts to change so much sooner.... 
But really looking at the issues I had and probably still have.... 

I am the cause of a lot of the problems I have. 
And a lot of people are the cause of the problems they have. 
But they won't see their issues
or the issue with having issues. 

Because they don't want to feel bad about themselves. 

I know this because I didn't want to feel bad about myself. 
I didn't want to be or get called out on things. 
And when I was, I'd get mad. 
And I didn't want to hear it. 

Because nobody wants to be shamed. 
But when they are, they have a motivation to want to change. 

And it can be hard to change. 
Especially after thinking and being a type of way for so long
and not knowing how to change.... 

But feeling like we don't have to or need to change
is what keeps most people stuck. 
F*cking up constantly. 

I know this because I f*ck up constantly. 

Once we see where we are going wrong, though....
We can't not see it and we can pretend that we aren't, 
but we know that we are.
Does that make sense?

When we are in the midst of changes.... 
It's hard because it's a major reckoning. 
With who we were, who we used to be.... 
Having to deal with the guilt and shame and all of that.... 

The other day someone told me that I'm not the only one with regrets... 
So I'm not alone there. 

Just all the feelings that come with those regrets
is really overpowering.... 

I get the feelings of wanting to talk about some things... 
And then not having someone to talk to when I get those feelings. 

And having to learn that it is okay to be alone. 
Even when we are completely alone. 
Even though it isn't a great feeling. 

Because I just want to feel understood. 
It feels good when someone understands. 
Like "Finally! The sky opened up!"
"The angels started singing!"

Been so f*cking sad lately. 
Like so many things are beyond my control. 
Like even my emotions are beyond my control. 

Because I'm not happy about a lot of things. 
How a lot of things turned out. 

How my so called "love life" turned out. 
How dating's been difficult. 
Communication with most people straight up sucks. 
I feel like most people are not on my side or my page. 

But why would they be on my side if they feel like I betrayed them?
And why would I be on their side if they betrayed me?

And I can forgive people for a lot of sh*t. 
Shit they wish they didn't do or say. 
It's harder for me to be forgiven or forgive myself. 
It's really f*cking hard. 

Because I really regret being the way I was. 
And I see the affects of it. 
And that it's my fault, is eating away at me. 
Every day. 

And even if I tell myself "you're not the person you used to be"
it never feels like enough because
"but I was that person and it bothers me that I was."

It's hard to explain that. It really is. 

Because everyone who looks at me like they still think that I am that person... 
It bothers me because somehow I have to try to convince them that I'm not. 
Not anymore, but they still think I am. 
Because they still look at me as though I am. 

And all the internal changes, it doesn't show very easily. 
To people who don't want to have anything to do with me
because of who I was. And how I was with them. 
They already gave me lots of chances
and I already f*cked up lots of times. 

And I have to live with it, even though it's really hard. 

Sometimes it feels like I'm living a lie. 
Because I was who I was
and don't want to be like that anymore
and want to better myself. 

And sometimes I have to be alone to do that. 
Because dealing with other people is really f*cking hard for me. 

It's like a lot of the time, their issues bring out my issues. 
Depending on who they are. 
And how they are. Not everyone. 

But some people seem so flawless that it makes me feel so f*cked up. 
And I know I am. Like they had a great start in life. 
And they don't know how lucky they are that they had that. 

But am I owed what I never had?
Is there a reason I went through what I went though?
To understand what it's like?
To be able to relate on some level to what it is like?

Why did I use all the shit that happened to me
as a reason to why I was acting and being sh*tty?
Didn't have to do that. Why did I let myself
be consumed by the pain I experienced?

Why didn't I look inside myself long ago?
And decide that it doesn't feel good to me to be this way?

I definitely lacked maturity, understanding, foresight, among other things. 
And awareness overall. 
Without these things, people can really f*ck themselves over. 
And when we don't care.... Like we should.... 
We're basically telling people not to bother with us. 
And then we wonder why we find ourselves alone.... 
And if we really don't care, it shouldn't bother us to be alone. 

When I've spoken to R*** I've cried a lot and I needed that. 
And it has helped and I wish he could talk to my son. 
And I wish I could talk to my son. 
And there were times I really didn't know what to say
to a lot of things he was saying.... 

And I should have known and said something.... 
And done something other than what I did
and should have listened more. 

I don't happen to agree with what he was saying. 
And it's hard to change someone's mind
when they don't want to change their mind. 

There were at least a few people who changed the way I look at things
by asking me questions that made me rethink something. 

It was pretty enlightening. 

And I was thinking today....
When people start waking up....
Do they wake up a bit at a time?
Because going from state to state fast is a scary experience. 
It can be. 

Like waking up to how I've been....
It's been harsh because I have to believe I was like that, 
I can't deny it. I can't deny my past. 
Because it was the way it was and so was I. 

And hard for me to be around most people. 
Because a lot of people refuse to see the way they are.
And a lot of people do not want to change or grow. 
Even the people who have come a long way.... 
How much further are they willing to go?
How much further am I willing to go?
Why do I keep letting people down?
Why do I keep letting myself down?

Growing is pretty painful. 
I requires accepting things that are hard to accept. 

And here's the thing that came up in therapy last week.... 
Accepting something doesn't mean we have to like it, 
approve of it, prefer it, or want it. 
Obviously, it's easier when we do, 
but we don't have to. 
That's not a requirement of acceptance. 

I keep thinking of K******'s mother who did a TedTalk. 
About her son's role in the death of 13 people
and how it affected her and how people looked at her as a result.
And she had to go to therapy for years. 
Obviously it's a hard thing to accept.
Hard to wrap your mind around something like that happening, 
let alone your own child being a part of that.... 

She never saw it coming because she had no idea
what was going through her son's head. 

And when people don't want you to know, 
they aren't going to tell you. 

Sometimes I wish I didn't know....

They say that ignorance is bliss. In some regards. 
If you don't know, you don't know.... 
"If they don't know, can it hurt them?"

But the thing about ignorance
is that other people get affected by it. 
It's not bliss for them. 
Or blissful to experience that... 

I've been on the receiving end of that
and I've had to forgive people who aren't even sorry. 
For being as ignorant as they actually are. 
But I had to do it for me. 
And I wish they would learn and knew better, 
but they haven't and they don't. 
And that isn't my fault. 

Just like when I wasn't ready to learn and didn't know better. 
It wasn't their fault. Anyone that I affected. 
By my ignorance.... 

But I cannot just justify mine because of anyone else's. 

Also, lately, I've really felt that I really don't know much of anything. 
I can learn some things, but I feel like I missed the boat on so many things. 

And I feel like a fake, like I'm trying to act like I know some things. 
When I don't really know what I ought to know at my age. 

I've screwed up so much in my life. 
And at times, I want to just erase myself off the planet. 

At other times, I just want to do and be better. 
And ask myself if I even can. 

If it would even make a difference at this point. 
To anyone I affected and hurt. In my life. 
Being hurt does not give me a right to hurt anyone else. 
Doesn't give anyone that right. 

And I wish I hadn't said anything out of anger. Or out of pain... 
Things I regret saying....
Or did things I regret doing... 

Regrets I have.... I'm just sad and mad at the same time. 
Sad because things have gotten to this point. 
And mad at myself because things have gotten to this point because of me.