All The Things I Wish I Knew

It's been hard accepting things. "It is what it is."
Accepting things doesn't have to mean:
Liking it, preferring it, approving it.

Things are easier to accept when we like it, prefer it, approve it.

We talked today about sadness and shame
and those feelings are so prominent for me. 

For a long time, certain things I did... 
Even though they were wrong, didn't bother me. 
Because I didn't care that I did it. 
I didn't care about the effects it had. 
I didn't care about the results.
About much of anything... 

But when we realize those things and figure out
that to feel ashamed, we have to care....

There was something that a therapist said.
It was a video of people working with narcissists.
About how to get them to see the error of their ways
and how to get them to want to change. 

There's a way... It's about getting them to feel shame. 
But it is hard to do when someone does not care. 

I didn't always care. Probably because I couldn't see the value, 
I couldn't see how important some things actually are. 
I couldn't see a lot of things... 

And I realize that about other people. 
There's a lot they can't see, either. 
Does it mean they won't ever be able to see it?
Does it matter if they see it when it's too late?
I'd say it does matter because, it matters that they see it. 
"The more we see, the more we see."

Until our eyes are WIDE open... 
And sometimes we need others to point some things out to us. 
"Ah, I can see this in this way now."

"When we change the way we look at things, 
the things we look at change."

And it's hard, in the moment to look at something differently.
And because of that, it's hard to SEE it differently. 
Because it's hard to WANT to see it differently.... 
There's usually more ways than one to look at something... 

And that is something we don't think about. 
Especially when we are so caught up in seeing it the way we see it.

I can look at it as "I wasn't ready then, but I'm ready now."
And maybe I'm not completely ready.... 
Maybe I'm getting ready to get ready... To get ready. 
But it's more ready than when I really wasn't ready to look at things. 

To look at my past behavior, my past actions, inaction, etc. 
And yes, we can develop behavioral issues. 
Being around people who have behavioral issues. 
Because we start to behave the way they do. 

We can influence people, when they are ready to listen...
REALLY listen.... I didn't want to listen when I was younger.
I gave into my urges without thinking. 
I was trying to fulfill my own needs... At the time. 
And couldn't see the difference between needs and wants. 
I couldn't see how stupidly selfish and thoughtless I was being.
How ignorantly inconsiderate I was being. 
So why would anyone care about me?
I was being careless. 
And consistently careless. 

If I told you more about my life.... 
If you somehow found posts I wrote about things that I went through.... 
That affected me and how they affected me..... 
You might be wondering how I got to this point in my life.... 

I've backslid. Because of how things caught up to me.... 
And instead of "blaming" myself for my mistakes, 
another way of looking at it is taking responsibility for it. 

It's hard to do that. Most people do not want to do it.
Do they have the capacity to do it?
If and when they wake tf up and realize that if they don't....
They are going to repeat all the same mistakes they made.... 

Like taking all the crap I didn't need to take, and going back for more....
That is on me because it is my responsibility to make the choices I make.
Have I made poor choices, in the past? YES!
I made many poor choices. Most choices I made were not for my highest good. 
And not for the highest good of others, either. 

But we are not taught how to make good choices
by people who don't make good choices. 
And it blows my mind about all the things I wasn't taught. 
In school, by my family... In society.... 
How so much falls by the wayside.... 
It makes me feel so sick.... To think about it. 
And it makes sense that people are the way they are
because they were not taught how to be any other way. 

Like learned habits like spite and vindictiveness.... 
And all of that stuff that isn't even necessary. 
"How do YOU like it?"

When we could accept the things we don't like, 
don't prefer, don't approve of... 
And try to move forward from this.... 

Moving forward is a struggle when people are stuck in one spot. 
Being stuck in shame.... I am ashamed of myself. 
I can honestly say that I am ashamed of myself. 
Would I regret it if I wasn't? If I didn't care?
People can assume I don't care. 
Did I care at the time that I did what I did? 
Probably not. 
Was I being selfish? Stupid? Immature? Ignorant? Inconsiderate? Probably. 
These are major blocks to doing what is right. 
What is effective. You know? They are!

The 4 I's:

Immature
Ignorant
Inconsiderate
Intolerant

I've been all of these things... 
And I wasn't aware, didn't care. 

And pretty much the only thing that I was consistent at
was being these things and blocking myself. 
These things were the reasons I've been standing in my own way
for all these years. 

And the thing is that when others are this way with US, 
we feel a type of way about it... 

We want them to be mature, aware, considerate, tolerant. 
And sometimes, when they are, we take it for granted. 
Until people get tired of being taken for granted
and feel unappreciated.

I haven't always appreciated having people in my life
who meant something to me. 
I was very ignorant as to their importance in my life. 
I could not see how much they meant to me
until they weren't in my life anymore. 
And when they were in my life, 
I didn't know how to show them they mattered to me. 
I've lived my whole life feeling unimportant to others, 
feeling like I didn't matter to them. 
I know how that feels and others felt that way because of me. 

Because I wasn't always mature, or considerate. 

I had a convo about this with someone.... 
He said.... It came to a point where I had to change. 
And we'd talked about in order to change, people have to want to. 
So I asked him what made him want to. 
He said that he was getting tired of pushing people away, 
and feeling lonely. 
Missing people he pushed away... 
I can relate to that. 

And yes, I have some changes to make in my own life. 
I can see that I've made things harder on myself 
than I've needed to. 
For a really long time. 
Depending on others for certain things... 

Reassurance, validation, security... 
I have been really insecure. REALLY insecure. 
Feeling like I needed attention... 
Been UNHEALTHY.

And then when it comes to relationships.... 
Two unhealthy people cannot have something healthy. 

But I understand how it's be to be clingy. 
Because of being needy. 
Emotionally, energetically, psychologically, etc. 

When we do not know how to fill our own needs, 
a lot of the time we look to others to help us, 
to pour into us, give to us.... 
And when we don't give back to them, 
all we are doing is depleting them. 
It's one-sided, unfair, unhealthy. TOXIC even. 

I have to accept who I am, who I have been. 
Accept that others won't accept that I'm a different person
from who I used to be, that I'm still changing, learning, growing. 
They won't see it until they see it, IF they want to see it.

And I get they've been let down so many times that it's hard
for them to want to see it or try to see it.

Because to them, unless they see it, why should they believe it?
And how do I show them? How do I show anyone? How can I? 

By doing things differently? By addressing all the things about myself
that I should have been addressing a long time ago?
But 1) I didn't want to do the work 2) Didn't see the point of it,
3) Didn't care....

But... Now I do.... So now what?

It's about taking small steps along the way.
Knowing what questions to ask ourselves
and what to ask of ourselves.....

I wasn't asking much of anything from myself. 
Most people in my life gave up on me. 
People who were supposed to teach me how to be responsible
weren't teaching me anything. 
Irresponsible people can't teach you that. They can't. 
And to be taught, we have to be teachable. 
We have to be able to be taught. 
If we refuse to learn... Our lessons. 
WILL we learn? Will we?

We can blame people for not teaching us, 
but we only have ourselves to blame 
when we don't care and when WE don't want to learn. 
The first time, the second time, the zillionth time... 
If we get that chance... And when we do, 
we have to realize that it's a chance, and TAKE it.
Not waste it, not ruin it. 

Because we might not get another chance.

Sometimes it takes us too long to wake up.
Some people never do. It's sad.

But when we do, we can be proud of ourselves.
For finally waking up.

Spirituality is important. 
We can't see it, but it is.
And once we repent, and change, turn ourselves around....
Turn to the other side, the side we can't see...
Things start to change.

The hardest thing to do is to address our issues.
I'll be writing about this more and more, as I do it.
As I go through the motions because it's important to share it.

It's important to talk about it.
And all I want to do is get started on it....
But I have to wait until later. 
Been asked to go out today.
Keep being asked to go out when I want to get started on things....

Anyway... I just wish things were different, 
but, I couldn't see what I was doing.
I've changed. I learned. 
So I don't do that stuff anymore. 

I have another post to write later.
To start delving into it.
And it's going to be hard.
To confess some things about me.
About the mistakes I made and what was going through my head then
compared to what goes through my mind now.