Diluted

Reflecting on things... In hindsight.....
If we have enough foresight,
we wouldn't have to learn lessons after the fact.... 

But a lot of sh*t for me was impulsiveness. 
Not saying it's good to be impulsive. It's not. 
It's good to think things through. 
Which I failed to do, many times. 

I'm not the only one who has been impulsive, though. 
Others have been impulsive with me, too. 

And a lot of it is ego. A lot of it. 
Ego does not want us to grow or change
and wants us to keep dealing with the same toxicity from the past. 

Finding balance in ourselves is hard.
Especially when we've been so imbalanced all our lives. 
To the point we don't know how imbalanced we are. 

And a lot of it has to do with inconsistency and incongruity. 

Closing out cycles is a hard thing to do, 
because it can be pretty emotional. 

It's been very hard for me. Very hard. 
I have to face myself and take responsibility for my part. 
Others have to face themselves and take responsibility for their part. 
Should I take full responsibility for my part and their part?
When they don't want to take responsibility for their part?
And just put ALL the blame on me?

Sure, I am to blame for a lot of it, but not all of it. 
Others have their own choices, too. 

When people aren't ready, they aren't ready. 
Can't force them into being ready. 

But we can wake them up, slowly. 

Had someone tell me that I keep thinking negatively
about the situation. It's not a good situation. 
Someone called it a "lose - lose" situation. 
Damned if I do, damned if I don't....
Either way, I was f*cked. Still am F*CKED. 

Stuck in this. I don't want this. 
I can't say anyone wants this. 

I don't know how to make things right
and that's pretty much all I want to do. 
And feeling like I can't. 
Feeling like nothing I will do will ever make it right. 

And no matter what, I just want to make things right. 
And feeling like I can't.
Probably makes me want to even more than I already do. 

I felt I had to do it. 
And now feel like I shouldn't have done it. 
And I can't undo it. 

I'm just really f*cking sad. 
And upset. Most things I really wanted to work out, they didn't. 
Because it's hard to work things out. 
Because either I made it hard, 
or they did, or we both did. 

And when we both did, we both have to work on it. 
Not just one person trying whatever they can think of
to try to make it right....

If it was just covid or just whatever else, I could handle it. 
But it's like everything else is going on, too. 

And when I talk to pretty much anyone about certain things, 
they say it's "conspiratorial"
even though there ARE chemicals going into our atmosphere.
Every day and that's bad for our health, 
but nobody wants to think about it or talk about it
and everyone who does.... They are crazy.