Than Those Who Don't

For a long time I wasn't really "here."
It could be due to prolonged drug use, or abuse, 
but all of those things that could be factors.... 
Aren't meant to be excuses.... 

At one point I used the alcoholism.
"I was drunk." I wasn't in my "right mind"
just like how people on drugs aren't in their "right mind"
but not being in their "right mind"
doesn't make what they do when they aren't in their "right mind" 
the right things to do. 
Yes, "you were drunk." But doesn't make it right. 
It doesn't. 

Someone I know put it perfectly when she said....
"If you rob a bank when you were drunk, 
they aren't going to say "that's okay, you were drunk."
You still robbed a bank.... 
Bad ideas are still bad ideas. 
Even if the intent was good. 

Maybe in the case of robbing the bank.... 
The good intent was to do good with the money
like Robinhood or something.... 
Still wrong to rob the bank. 

I feel bad for doing sh*t I'm not supposed to do. 
I know things sit with me for a really long time. 

Someone asked me: "Do you have to keep blaming yourself
for things that happened years and years and years ago?"

And I thought, "yes, because I know it was my fault. I am to blame."
But I've been like punishing myself over and over and over again
for things that I did a really long time ago. 
And I have to ask myself "do I really have to live this way?"
Is it okay to let myself let things go? Finally?
Even if it was wrong of me to do it?
Even if others hold it against me for the rest of my life
or the rest of their lives?
And hate me for it?
Do I have to hate myself for it, too?

I keep thinking of a scene where someone is walking naked
in a crowd of haters of the castle ages
where they are throwing rocks at them and spitting on them
shouting "shame!"
I think there was an episode like this on that show G.O.T.... 
I think that was where it came from.... 

And a friend told me I'm like one of those monks
who whips themselves... Like self-mutilation stuff. 
There is a word for it, if you know it, you can comment the word... 
If you don't mind.... 

But do we have to throw ourselves out due to one mistake?
Depending on what the mistake was.... 
If it was really f*cking bad, then it was really f*cking bad. 
If it was truly innocent, it was truly innocent.... 
But sometimes only we know for sure. 
A lot of thing can be taken completely out of context. 
And when they are, it doesn't matter how we try to explain it.... 
Because it matters how it's seen, not how it is meant. 
And that is a lesson I had to learn. 
Because a lot of the times it doesn't matter how it was meant, 
only how it is seen. How it is viewed. 
And if some people see it a certain way, others will, too. 
No matter how it was meant.... 
You can mean well all you want, but if it looks bad, it seems bad. 
And I understand it. I know it well. 
I have lived it. I am living it. 
And I can't seem to live it down. 
Even to myself. 

But there is more to life than punishing ourselves for our mistakes
over and over and over again. 

There is actually more to live than putting ourselves through HELL. 
Every day, to the point we give up on living, on life.... 
To the point we hate everything about ourselves.... 
Just because we hate that we did that one thing.... 
Is it truly unforgivable?
"We aren't our mistakes."

Someone was telling me that we can't be defined solely on our mistakes. 
Someone can make one mistake and it can be over for them, 
until they redeem themselves.... 

Sometimes there is no redemption to be had... 
Sometimes it depends on if the person deserves another chance, or not.... 

Some things we can come back from, some we can't. 
Or can we? It depends on what it is. 

And like I said, it matters how things are seen. 
And what the impact was, if any. 

And knowing that what I did likely had an effect, 
it's hard to forgive myself for that. 
No matter how much good I could do, have done, might do.... 
"But will you let that define you?"
Even if others define you that way?
Even if others define you a certain way?
Because of it?

And it is very easy for people to get the wrong idea about something. 
And very easy for people to take something the wrong way... Very easy. 
Beyond easy. 
I have taken things the wrong way, too. 
I have seen things a certain way, too. 
And I know there is more than one way to look at something. 
Some things are the way they seem, some things aren't. 
And I have to tell myself that
and not beat myself up for everything I've ever done wrong. 
No matter how people look at me. 
No matter how anyone sees me. 
Because the only one who will truly know me, is me. 
And my closest friends... 
And even they don't really know me. 
But they know me better than those who don't. 

Anyway, I just need to let things go. It's hard. 
Because it's hard. 
But that moment in time does not define me, 
who I am, who I still can be. 
Because I'm not who I was.... 
And I can be happy about that.....

And one day I'll move from here, start a new chapter in my life, 
try to do the best I can for myself. 
No matter who stays in my life. 
No matter who feels however they feel about me. 
It matters how I feel about myself. 
That has always mattered. 

But I have seen my flaws and my issues. 
And I have to work on that. 
I don't need anyone to point things out to me. 
I mean, the things I already see
because I already see it. 
The things I don't see, and might not want to see... 
If people point it out, I might not like it, 
but it is something to think about. 

But it matters how people bring it up. 

My brother said: "Just because you have a mirror
doesn't mean you have to shove it in anyone's face."

It doesn't mean others have to shove a mirror in mine, either. 

There is a point of being shown, but it matters how we show people. 
Because most people do not want to look at themselves. 
Because most people do not want to face the reality of themselves. 

But to work on ourselves, we have to look at ourselves. 
Even the parts that we'd rather not look at. 
Especially the parts that we'd rather not look at. 
Even if it's so painful that it almost kills us. 
Because that's how we grow. 
By learning. Challenging ourselves to do better. 
Knowing we can do better... 
Working on feeling better.... 
Even about things that used to really destroy us. 

And I know we can be our worst enemies.....
I feel it every day. I regret things every day.... 
Because of the things I did.... 
That I wish I never did.... 
That I wish I could go back in time, and do something different. 
But I f*cking can't do that! If I could, I would. 
I would in a f*cking heartbeat. I can't. 

And it would mean the world to me if people forgave me, 
but I can't make them forgive me, if they choose to, they choose to. 
And they do it for themselves, not for me. 
Or they hold sh*t against me for the rest of their lives.... 
I already hold sh*t against myself.... I'm already paying for it. 
Even if they want to make me pay. I'm already paying for it. 
On a daily basis. 

Like I can pray for forgiveness. I can try to forgive myself. 
And hope they forgive me. But it is up to them. 
Not up to me. If it was, they'd forgive me. 
And we'd move past it. 
Not like it never happened, but like it wasn't the worst thing, ever. 

Anyway, it's getting late and I should try to sleep, and I'll try. 
It's one of those nights where I have something weighing on my soul. 
And it is heavy on my heart, and on my mind. 
And I know it's not something easy to just forget about... 
Or forgive myself for. Or be forgiven for. 
Or put in the past, behind me. 
And move on from.