More For Later

Things have been rough lately. Emotionally. 
Been all over the map... 
Been up, down... Mostly down.. 
Come up for air every now and then... 

Been hard to forgive myself for so much... 
And I'm not feeling sorry for myself.... 
I'm feeling sorry, period. 
To everyone I ever did wrong in my life. 
I was wrong. I f*cked up. 
I wish saying "sorry" was enough to make it right. 
I wish I could hug people and it would fix everything, 
but saying "sorry" isn't enough. 
Hugging someone and telling them I love them
isn't enough. 
What would be enough? 

I'm going to save my pouring out for here
because I feel like it's a safe place to do it
and if anyone judges me for it, sobeit. 

Been getting some help and it has been helping. 

I'm becoming aware of how unaware I've been... 
And it has caught up to me, hardcore... 

And I'm aware of how unaware I was... 
It's been a huge wake up call for me... Huge. 
A wake up call I needed for years because I've needed to wake tf up. 

I had to see certain things... That I wasn't seeing before... 
That I wish I had seen a long time ago... 

Someone told me that there is no way of knowing
what would have happened if you had done things differently. 

I'm mad at myself for being the way I was... 
Wanting things the way I wanted things.... 
Not doing what I was supposed to do... 
What I should have been doing.... 
Working things out with the ones I was supposed to be working things out with. 

Someone told me "It's never too late."
I hope that's the case, but I don't know if it is, or not. 
Because it feels like it is, but I still want to have hope
and still want to hang in there... 

It's been hard. It's not been an easy situation. At all. 
And been told that this isn't an easy age for him. 
From 18 - 25 or so.... But we'll see. 
It's just that I made a huge mistake, a couple of huge mistakes. 
And I'm paying for it. 

I feel like I'm paying for all the mistakes I ever made. 
Like my mistakes have been catching up to me. 
They were going to eventually, right?
How can we think that we can just keep f*cking up
and being f*cked up and things will get better?
On their own? No, it takes WORK. 
And if there's a chance to fix this, it will take WORK. 
Which I'm willing to do. 
Just don't know how to get the ball rolling....

I have a chance to do some work on myself. 
That I wasn't doing before... 

Why I wasn't doing it? I don't know. 
It's been hard to even realize that it took this long
to realize the things I have been realizing... 

That I should have realized a long time ago. 
And I should have known better and done better, back then... 

A lot of situations I've been in were tests
for me to handle things better than I handled them. 
But I didn't. I handled sh*t sh*tilly. 

And yes, I feel like sh*t about it. 
And the fact that I can't do anything about that is sh*tty. 
But I can't. I can only go forward. That's all. 

And I have to go forward alone, for now. 
I've been getting some support here and there. 

But in life, nobody was meant to be here
to hold my hand through the mess I've made of my own life. 
Why should they do that?
Why would they do that?
IT WAS ME WHO MADE A MESS OF IT!!!!
EVEN IF IT WASN'T THE WAY I INTENDED THINGS TO BE.....
BUT IF I DIDN'T INTEND ON THINGS TO BE THIS WAY.....
WHY DIDN'T I DO BETTER?

So why should anyone hold my f*cking hand through this?
Through the mental break downs?
Through the stress I caused myself?
Through all of this?
Why?

Because they are a f*cking SAINT?
Because they have love for me?
Because they see something good in me?
Because they see that I actually do care?

BUT WHY DIDN'T I DO BETTER?

Did I think I'd have the time to work things out in the end?
Did I think people would just forgive me for everything?
Like nothing ever happened?
Like humans make mistakes?
Yeah, we make mistakes, 
but we also make BAD f*cking choices. 

So maybe we should start making some good choices. 
Maybe we should start being careful, not f*cking careless. 
If we actually care about other people. 
And care about how things turn out... 

Because... Are we going to get a million chances to make things right?
When we should have gotten things right the first time?
And just because we think we'll have the time to do things later, 
doesn't mean that we will. Sometimes we don't. 
So that should make us more MINDFUL.

And I have thought about some things, gathered insight. 
And talking about sh*t is a lot different from doing it.
A lot f*cking different. 

We can have the concepts but still not know how to do something. 
But most of the things that came up were things that 
should have screamed: "Don't f*cking do this."
And I did it anyway. 
I was told not to, I was warned not to. 
But I did anyway and I don't f*cking know why. 

A lot of it is impulses. Impulsiveness. 
A lot of it is ignorance. 
Lack of self control. 
Lack of foresight. 
Lack of awareness. 

A lot of these types of things. 

So many lessons... !!!
So many times I failed. 
So many times I acted without thinking things through. 
"How will things turn out... If I did this?"
And at some point, I didn't care. 
I was willing to lose everything
and now that I've lost so much that is important to me.... 
Because of my recklessness.... 
It's so hard to carry on like I haven't. 
BECAUSE I KNOW I AM TO BLAME FOR IT.

AND YES, THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES.
AS THERE F*CKING SHOULD BE. 

WHY SHOULDN'T I HAVE TO PAY FOR THAT?
SHOULD I JUST GET LUCKY?
AND NOT HAVE TO DEAL WITH MY OWN AFTERMATH?

And people tell me, "you're being too hard on yourself."
Am I? Or am I actually accepting that YES I f*cked up. 
Drinking does not help people. 
And not caring does not help people. 
And not seeing thing for what they are does not help people. 
Refusing to accept reality does not help people. 
Not looking at ourselves does not help people. 
It really doesn't. 

Had I sat myself tf down years ago and really thought about things. 
How I was handling myself, situations with other people, 
my reactions to things, my own emotions, my own thinking... 
Just a lot of internal sh*t, my programming.... 

Had I taken the time to do it.... 
If I had some guidance, too... It really would have helped me. 
To make better choices in my life. 

Not been so dissonant.  
So dumb... So dependent... 
So focused on the wrong sh*t in life.... 
I'd be a completely different person today. 
I'd be so different. I'd have a different life. 
My son would have respect for me. 
Others would have respect for me. 
And I'd feel better about myself
instead of reeling in all my regrets like.... 
Reeling in my regrets somehow changes things, it won't. 

Why wait? For what? For something magical to come along?
WOW! THIS IS WHAT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR ALL MY LIFE?!
WHAT THE ACTUAL F*CK AM I WAITING FOR?
THIS IS MY LIFE PASSING ME BY!
DAY BY F*CKING DAY THAT I AM STUCK HERE IN THE RUT....
THIS BIG HOLE I DUG MYSELF.... 
I GOT MYSELF IN IT, I HAVE TO GET MYSELF OUT OF IT. 

To some degree, I knew this would happen. 
But it got too comfortable in the discomfort
because that is all I have known. 
It is rare that I succeeded because I just knew "fail" "fail" "fail"
Failed relationships that I f*cking ruined. 
With my son... 
That is the most important one... To me. 
I didn't cherish it when I had the chance to cherish it. 
And I can't act as though I do no wrong, because I do. 
And I have. On a continuous basis. 

In my heart, I want to thrive and be a healthy person. 
Not toxic to anyone. 

When we've been around toxicity all our lives it is hard not to be. 
But that is no excuse not to learn from all the bullshit.... 
Not to rise above it... 
But I have a lot to rise above. 
I have to rise above myself and stop standing in my own way. 
Day after day after day. 
Like I really need to start doing the opposite of what I have been doing. 

I have oppositional defiance disorder, and BPD
and probably a bunch of other mental things going on... 
But I can't hide behind that and just say:
"I am the way I am because of this...."
Because I could start saying.... Even though.... This, this, this, this....
I'm trying so hard to overcome it and get my feet on the ground... 
And I can't even really say "back on the ground"
because I don't think they ever were... 

Like I can't say "get my life back on track"
because my life hasn't been on track. 

And yes, a lot of it has to do with sh*t I went through, 
a lot of struggling and suffering. 
But I ALSO CAUSED A LOT OF STRUGGLING AND SUFFERING. 
FOR OTHER PEOPLE.
DUE TO MY STRUGGLING AND SUFFERING. 
BUT... STILL. I DID THAT. 
BEING UNWELL, UNSTABLE ETC. 

UNHEALTHY. WOUNDED. 
IN SO MANY WAYS. 

And I can't use "I'm damaged" as an excuse to damage others. 
Because it's still not right. It's never been right. 
It will never be right or alright to do that. Ever.
For anyone to do it, not just me. 

Most people have been through a lot of rough sh*t in their childhoods. 
And then they are not well adjusted or adapted... 
And they try to have kids who are not well adjusted or adapted... 

If we're not right in the head... Why should we put anyone through that?
Which is why it was never right for me to date. 
And never right for me to have any expectations out of life... 
Like really, what am I expecting out of myself?
What can anyone realistically expect from me
other than "A***'s going to find a way to f*ck this up"?
And do I want to f*ck it up? No? Then why do I do it?

Like I want to say I've made some progress in life... 
But where am I? Still stuck where I was like 10 years ago?
Have I made any progress? Am I ahead at all?
And who do I have to blame for that? Myself!
Being mad at myself for holding myself back
is not going to help me move myself forward
until I stop holding myself back... 
And only I can stop holding myself back. 

I have to stop being comfortable with the level I'm at. 
Because I am not happy with this. 
With where I'm at. With what I've done. 
With ruining things with my son.... With his father.... 
With other areas of my life. 
Because I should have done better than that. 
Done better for the both of them and for myself. 

A lot of it is not feeling worthy and wanted. 
Looking for constant validation... Why?

Today someone was talking about how some people think they are somebody. 
And I said that I know that I'm a nobody. 
And he told me to stop, and I jokingly said... "Or else what?"
And he said "Or I'll delete you and never speak to you again."

BUT WHY SHOULD I THINK I AM SOMEBODY?
Wouldn't I be faking it? Be egotistical?
To think I am someone when I'm not?

Maybe I'm trying to be humble by not thinking I'm something I'm not. 
I don't know why that should bother anyone. 
Unless it's putting myself down... But really....
Someone asked me: "Who do you think you are?"
Who did I used to think I was?
Doing all this stupid sh*t?
Only to realize... Whoa! All this sh*t caught up to me... 

And yes, I have been egotistical in the past. 
And yes, I've seen it in others, too. 
And where does that get anyone?
To think they have the right to act however they feel like acting?
Without thinking about it?
Without giving a sh*t about how others are affected?
By their actions? Inaction.... 

We know how WE would feel.... 
So why wouldn't others feel the same way?
We do, so do they. 
Other people have feelings, too. 
It's not all about how WE feel.... 

I've gotten so used to seeking emotional support from friends. 
When I need to support myself... In all ways. 
I have not been the most supportive person. 
I regret that I haven't been. 

I feel like pretending I'm someone I'm not is being fake. 
And I'd rather be real and say that I'm a nobody. 
Because "Who do I think I am?"

And is that the depression kicking my ass all over the place?
Up and down and all around town?

Will I rise above this one day and actually put my plans into motion?
Instead of talk about building my sites... ?
Instead of talking about doing this "shadow work"?

And it's usually people who have issues that ignore their issues
until ignoring their issues becomes a f*cking issue. 
All the while trying to point out the issues other people have
without doing f*ck all about their own issues... 

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

Focus less on other people's sh*t and focus more on our own sh*t. 
Instead of blaming OUR sh*t on THEIR sh*t. 
BECAUSE OUR SH*T IS OUR SH*T
AND THEIR SH*T IS THEIR SH*T
And until we do something about our sh*t
how do we expect them to do anything about their sh*t?
Can we do something about their sh*t
if they don't want to do anything about it?
Can we force them to change? Learn? Grow?
REALIZE SH*T THEY DON'T EVEN WANT TO LOOK AT?
LET ALONE REALIZE?
CAN WE FORCE THEM TO MATURE?

No, we can't do it by force... 
Only lead by example, but to do that, we have to set an example. 
How can we do that by getting the message across that it's okay to f*ck up?
LIKE F*CK UP SO F*CKING ROYALLY
THAT SH*T IS BEYOND REPAIR... 
AND STILL TRY TO LIVE YOUR LIFE
AND SAY "F*CK IT! I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY!
EVEN THOUGH I HURT SO MANY PEOPLE IN THE PROCESS
OF ONLY GIVING A F*CK ABOUT MYSELF!"

Because that is the message that is going out there. 
Because it's about what WE want, not what THEY wanted... 
BECAUSE EVERYONE CAN GO F*CK THEMSELVES, RIGHT?
WRONG! BECAUSE THEY CAN TURN AROUND
AND TELL US TO GO F*CK OURSELVES!

That is what happens when we don't take them into consideration. 
That is what happens when we take them for granted. 
Like they are always just going to be there.... 
NO MATTER HOW F*CKED UP I AM, 
NO MATTER HOW MUCH I F*CK UP.... 
THEY'LL KEEP GIVING ME CHANCES TO RUIN....
UNTIL THEY DON'T. THEY JUST DON'T. 
BECAUSE THEY WON'T. 

And they kept giving us chances to change, but we didn't. 

You know how many times I heard "I don't care" come out
of my parents' mouths?

You know how many times I said it myself?

When they should have cared and I should have, too. 
But it was like I was taught that I shouldn't have to
if I didn't feel like it.... 
Because they didn't... 

The thing is that I still kept trying to be in their lives, 
because they are "family."
And I wanted them to be in my son's life
because they are "family"
and they weren't there for him. 
Just like they were not there for me. 
And I shouldn't have subjected him to that. 

But I still wanted him to know family's important. 
And if my family had any values, it would have been different
for me, for him, for him and I.

I've been really f*cking immature. 
I can still be really immature. 
I am, still. 
Like stuck in this state of arrested development. 
Like I only developed, personally, so far....
And then there were blocks that stopped me from moving forward.
All the issues I've been having....
And issues with other people's issues
because their issues affect me as much as mine affect them.... 

But I am also being affected by my own issues. 
Stupid beliefs, ideas, feelings, thoughts, 
and acting on these... 
Whether rational or irrational....
Whether reasonable or unreasonable....
And other people's reactions are not within my control.
How other people react....

And how other people try to suppress how I express myself
and take things out of context, etc....
It's not up to me if they take things the way I intended them to
or if they take things the way they think they should take it....

And someone said that how other people handle things is out of my control. 
And if they are not taught how to handle things, they aren't going to know. 
They'll just handle things the way they handle things. 
The only way they know how to, 
the way they were taught. 
And if you don't teach them, someone else will. 
But we can't rely on others to teach them the right way. 
Once we learn something, it's hard to unlearn it. 
Like riding a bike. 
Once we know how, we know how. 
But say we know how to act poorly?
Or we know how to be inconsiderate?
Or we know all kinds of bad and f*cked up habits?
Because we pick sh*t up from the people around us.... 
And that is what it comes down to.... 

We're exposed to what we're exposed to. 
And we're taught what we are taught. 
And we're not taught what we're not taught. 
And then we have to struggle to figure sh*t out for ourselves
because for most of our lives we refused to learn. 
We wanted to take the easy way 
which was ignore the issue. 
Pretend it doesn't exist....
Point out all the flaws and sh*t about everyone else
instead of looking at ourselves.... 
Because that's easier and feels better
than admitting we have f*cking issues. 
No matter how we developed the issues we have.... 
They are still issues.... 

We have the time to address things... 
So address it. Even for ourselves. 
So these issues don't keep affecting other people, and ourselves. 

And the thing I learned about issues is that they are usually
compound issues. Like some issues lead to other issues. 
Like lack of confidence leads to all kinds of other issues. 
Low self-esteem leads to all kinds of other issues. 
Procrastination leads to all kinds of other issues. 
Ignorance leads to all kinds of other issues. 
All kinds of issues lead to all kinds of other issues.

Inability to speak our truth. 
Inability to be authentic. 
Inability to be sincere. 
Inability to be honesty. 

Being unstable, insecure, immature, etc. 
All these inner struggles we have within ourselves... 

And sometimes the inability has to do with the desire to do something. 
"I can't do it." Is often related to "I don't want to even try to do it."
So we don't really know our own potential because we don't want to. 
We would rather set the bar so low for ourselves and say "What did you expect?"
And often the bar is set low for us by people who set the bar low for themselves. 

And often they expect more out of others than they expect from themselves.... 
And often we do it too.

And it is natural for a child to want and expect more from their parent. 
And expect the parent to provide what the parent ought to provide. 
But there comes a time when they expect too much. 
And take it for granted while expecting nothing to very little of themselves. 

And this is what is wrong with society, as a whole. 
Not just with individuals. 
It's an issue. 
That we pretty much need classes on how to address issues. 
Before the issues cause other issues, bigger issues. 
And those issues cause other issues. 

But we have to start with ourselves first. 
Before we try to help others address their issues. 

If we can't do it for ourselves, how can we show anyone else how to do it?

But if someone refuses to see an issue as an issue...
How are we going to expect them to want to address it?
And even when they see it as an issue
that they need to do something about.... 
How can we expect them to know what to do?
Or have the motivation to do it?
Or even care about it?

Like most people who have anger issues....
Do they do something about it?
Or do they just go "I get angry, everyone does, so what?"
But it matters how we react in anger, what we do with it. 
Instead of "acting out" or "showing our @ss."
(I used to date a guy from the southern U.S
who had terms like "showing our @ss.")
Some of the things he told me still stick with me today.
Some things he said, I'm glad he did, 
even though they were hard to hear at the time. 

But it was meant to wake me up. Make me think. 
Make me realize some sh*t.....
And those talks were important. 
I can still hear the words he said to me.... 
It didn't last because it was only meant to go as far as it did. 

Obviously, I had to learn that I need to depend more on myself
than on other people, to feel better etc. 

Someone told me that he had learned that people don't owe him their time. 
Because I guess he got mad that people would get distant. 
I went though that with someone. 

And there were times I thought: "If they cared, they'd give me their time."
To show me they care. They'd invest in me. 
But they are already invested in so many other things 
and most people are minimally invested in themselves... 
OR TOO INVESTED IN THEMSELVES, 
but not in the right ways... 

Because people can be selfish and self absorbed....
AND STILL NOT LOOK AT THEMSELVES.

LIKE PEOPLE WHO CAN'T STAND BEING ALONE....
OR PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY ARE A TYPE OF WAY
BUT THEY AREN'T THAT WAY AT ALL. 

LIKE SOME PEOPLE WHO JUDGE THE MOST
WILL TELL OTHERS NOT TO JUDGE THEM.... 

It's okay for them to judge others, but not okay for others to judge them?
It's okay for them to tear others down, but not okay for others to do it to them?

I could go on and on... But not tonight. 
Save more for later....