Shrouded

Haven't been writing a lot. On here, at least. 
I had no internet for a few days and actually sat down and wrote out
a draft of a story I had on my brain for a long time. 
There's more to be had there, to add to it, but 20 pages is a good "sketch."

It's been fairly quiet around here. Been resting for the most part. 
Been pretty tired. Probably because it's been cold and getting dark earlier. 
Around this time of year, I get tired, like could sleep for days... On end. 
"Wake me up when October, November, December end haha."
Let me hibernate all winter like a bear 
and I'll celebrate my birthday in the summer or something. Haha. 

But been unloading a lot of emotional stuff with someone, online. 
It's been helping and healing in a way... 

I probably wasn't ready for "love" and it wasn't very "loving" anyway. 
It had me put my guard up a lot more than I wanted to. 
Then I started feeling better and it would come down... 
And then back up, and back down, and back up, and back down. 
It was an emotional rollercoaster. 

I don't have any desire to date. I got it out of my system. 
It's been nice to be able to dive deep and has felt nice, and has helped, 
and maybe I should do that more on here, too. 
Because it does actually help, and been soothing in a way. 
Just to get it out and I don't care who reads it
or what they think or have to say about it. 
I'm doing it for me, not for them. 
So they can think whatever they want to. 
It's more about gathering the strength and courage to speak more from my heart
than what anyone has to say about anything I write, say, think, feel. 

Besides, this is my space where I can unload and I feel like I need to do it
to heal from some things. 
BUT I have to see my role in things, too. 
I can't just play the victim and blame people. 
BUT I DON'T NEED TO OWN THEIR SH*T EITHER. 
I have my own sh*t to own. 
It takes quite a bit to own our own sh*t, though. 
To even look at our own sh*t. 

I just got a visual of actually looking at actual sh*t. 
Like when we take a sh*t, who pauses to look at it before they flush it?
Some people do, some don't. 
Some people don't want to. They'd rather just wipe and flush. 
Idk what made me think of that. 

Anyway, the homework for therapy this week is about acceptance. 
And I'm still having a hard time accepting things. As they are. 
Because there are some things I really don't want to accept. 
And it's been really hard to accept it. 

What it comes down to is the willingness to accept it. 
Am I willing? Am I not?
The sooner I do, the sooner I can change the way I feel about it. 
Been having a hard time accepting things from my past. 
Like mistakes I made... 

I was holding onto something that was pretty toxic. 
And I had toxic reactions to it, so I am to blame for some of it. 
And at the time, I couldn't really see how toxic it was for me... 

I keep thinking that maybe we could have worked things out. 
And when we were both really trying, I thought it still had potential. 
Maybe it did, maybe it did, but I really needed openness, honesty, clarity, 
and didn't want to beg for it, fight for it, fight because of it... 
And then feel so f*cking guarded because of it.... 

It feels like I'm shaky on the inside. I feel it. 
I really want, above much else, is just to feel stable. 
Not like I once did, because I don't think I really have
to the extent that I actually want to. Like in all ways. 
Not just emotionally... But once I get that, I think a lot will happen. 
And mentally, too. They go hand in hand... 
So connected.... 

Was watching a show with a friend about holistic detectives
where "everything's connected" called Dirk Gently. 

There's another show that was kind of like that, but I forget what it's called. 

I really miss my son and feel that I really messed up with him. 
I really want to have it back to where it used to be. 
But he and I needed to talk more. He changed so much.... 
Over the span of time that he and I weren't together, 
and I've been told that since he is an adult now, he has to reach his own conclusions. 
Which he does. I hope he finds it in his heart to forgive me, one day. 
And knows that I only did I did because I was scared, 
but I really should have thought things through. 
And tried to bring out the best in him, more. 
Built trust with him more.... 
Reminded him of the good times, more. 
But it is also up to him to try to see things from my POV, too. 
But, yes, I can see things from his. 
I can put myself in his shoes. 
I probably would be upset with my mother is she did what I did. 
But I wasn't going around saying what my son was saying. 
But words are just words and thoughts are thoughts. 
Unless it was going to be anything more than what it was. 
And part of me did not want to take that chance....

I've been told so many times that I did the right thing. 
It still does not feel like I did. 

I was upset with my neighbors for calling the cops
when I was having a breakdown,  
and they took me to the hospital, but it wasn't the end of the world. 
Not that I got a lot of help at the hospital
and my son probably wouldn't have either. 
Had he been admitted and it should have been his choice. 

I can see how it looked to him. 
Mom showing up with the cops to take him to the hospital.
And then the police report. On top of it. 

Technically, I did what I was "supposed" to do. 
Try to get help for my son. He didn't want that. 
He didn't want what he told me to be divulged, either. 
It scared me. A lot. Still does. And I don't want to have those thoughts. 
And had no way of knowing things were this bad
or that they would get this bad, 
but sometimes they do when certain things are not addressed. 
And there were things that were not addressed. 
I didn't address my own sh*t, for one. 
I wasn't getting stupidly honest with myself. 
It took me a long time to even think about making changes
or see that I actually need to make changes. 
All this sh*t has been a huge wake up call for me... 
And it really shouldn't take my life falling apart
to wake me tf up, but it did, I guess. 

It humbled tf out of me. Made me realize a lot of sh*t about myself. 
Made me see how selfish I've been all these years, etc. 
How little I appreciated so much. 
"Don't know what we've got until it's gone." Type of stuff. 
I miss the innocence of the past and wish it had stayed that way
and I wish I had appreciated it so much more.... Cherished it. 
I had no way of knowing that it'd come to this. 

And I knew that one day my son would grow up, 
but I really hoped that he and I would be close. 
And felt we were for a while, until I f*cked it up... 
It feels like I do that often... F*ck things up.... 
Like I'm good at that... 

Did things I will regret for the rest of my life. 
That I still have a hard time accepting that I even did. 
Said things I wish I never said... 
Been beating my own @ss for it on a daily basis. 

"It's okay not to be perfect." Someone told me that today. 
And yes, I do have a lot of flaws. They are enhanced
by my own reflecting on stuff. 
Which I wish I had done while I reacted to sh*t
instead of just reacting to sh*t the way I did....
I wish I had made the most of moments instead of making them worse. 
Instead of making a fool of myself. 

Even the things I did with good intentions.... 
They aren't the way they seemed... 
But can be misinterpreted.... Easily and it makes me feel so sick. 
And I know what I was thinking at the time, 
but things still looked the way they looked
and seemed the way they seemed and that's on me. 
Totally on me. I just want to puke when I think about it. 
And not only that, it makes me want to just die.
The intentions were good, the execution was wrong. 
And I should never have done that. Ever. 
Even though it wasn't what it seemed, at all. Not at all. 
I'm so mad at myself for it. 

Anyway, I have to accept the fact I did that. 
And the affect it had. And hard to live with that. 
I have to try to forgive myself for that. 

But every time I think about that I think about just killing myself.... 
But I have to live with that and live with myself somehow....
It wasn't malicious and I know it wasn't. 
That's the only thing I can say that helps me feel a little better about it. 

Anyway... Thinking about it is killing me. 
It's one of the things that I regret the most
and will regret for the rest of my life... 

Okay, time to change the subject. 
I'm not a perfect person. That much is obvious. 
I've made mistakes. That much is obvious. 

I have to let my son go, he wants me to. 
I don't want to give up on him, obviously. 
I still love him. I miss him. 
I want him to be happy. 
I don't want him to hate me. 
I don't want anyone to hate me..... 

But not everyone will like me, either. 

I know my son feels I betrayed him. I understand. 
I know he doesn't get why I did what I did. 
To him, it doesn't matter why I did what I did. 
To most people, it doesn't matter why I do what I do. 
Especially when it's something I shouldn't have done.... 
It doesn't matter that my intentions were good. 
We can have the best of intentions and still be misunderstood. 
COMPLETELY.... 

"If your intentions were good, does it matter what others think?"
Yeah, it matters how things look.
Impressions are important. They are more important than we think. 
Bad impressions tend to stick with us. 
Probably because of how we feel about them. 
And they get imprinted onto our brains.... 

I disappointed my son. I let him down. 
It wasn't about what I wanted. I know this. 
It's also about what he wanted..... 
And what he didn't want.... 

Anyway, I've been sad. 
I have to let go of who I was back then, 
because I'm not that person anymore. I'm not. 
And I don't ever have to repeat past mistakes, ever. 
Nobody does. Learn from them, move on. 
It doesn't have to be a life sentence. 
People who know me, know that it wasn't with malice. 
That it wasn't intended as it seemed. 
Those who don't will probably see it differently. 

I was watching a movie today and it was about a guy
who found out that he is dying, that his heart is not good
and that the doctor would put him on a transplant list
but his blood type is so rare that he would be hard pressed to find a match.... 

I think I need to separate myself from most people in my life
to get my head straight. It hasn't been straight. 
I have not thought straight. 
If I was thinking straight, I wouldn't have done the stupid sh*t I did. 
I would have done things the right way. 
Not the wrong way. 
Even though my intentions were good..... 

It's still possible to do selfish and stupid things with good intentions. 
"Like I want to do this, so I will do this."
Even though the thing we wanted to do was supposed to be
for someone else, but it was still something we wanted to do
and the other person may not have wanted it
and not welcome it. 

I got a notice today that I have been put on a waiting list to move. 
Which I have mixed feelings about, but I know that I need to. 

Sometimes I think a fresh start would be a good thing. 
But it will be a big change. A really big change. 
Which isn't really a big deal. But will be a big adjustment. 
And I have to adjust to changes in my life. 
And forgive myself. 
Even if it takes the rest of my life.... 
Even if everyone hates me for everything I've ever done.... 

I am not proud of myself for a lot of things. I'm really not. 
I am proud of myself for getting sober.... 
I'm trying my best to move forward. 
Although I know I could do better. 
I know I let myself down, and my son.... 

I can keep the love of my son in my heart, always. 
I can keep the memories we made, the good memories. 
And I know that it's hard for him to forgive me. 
And I know why. 

I'm tired and I need to sleep and sometimes it is hard to sleep. 
Because it's still hard to live with myself. 

"You'll be okay, A*** J." I try to tell myself this. 
Even if you have to go on your own path, alone....
When others are not ready, they aren't. 
When you are, you are. 

I keep myself stuck and do it to myself
when I don't move forward. 
I do have to wait on some things. Wait and see. 
Some things can improve. 
Maybe they will. 

And I have to focus on my growth, trying to get better. 
Because that's what I need right now. 
To stop feeling like this. 
Because it sucks to feel like this. 

And when we are alone, it gives us time to think. 
And thinking isn't a bad thing. 
I wish I had thought about things a lot more. 
To prevent myself from doing stupid things. 
No matter what my intentions were.... 

I'm not a saint. 
Someone told me that Jesus himself wasn't always so "holy."
He had to become enlightened. 
He made mistakes, too. He was human, too. 
I'm not religious but I'd like to think he existed. 

Once I saw a picture of a shroud that was found and tested. 
It was supposedly the shroud that Jesus was covered with when he died. 
And had an impression of him on the cloth, 
like a stain of his features... 

I had a talk with someone tonight
where a friend said that everything that happened, 
whether good or bad lead up to the moment that he and I met. 

And I was thinking earlier about... 
Or wondering if things were all supposed to happen the way they did. 
Like if everything that happened was pre-destined. 
Even all my stupid mistakes.... 
Would I have gotten the lessons I got
if I didn't have to learn the hard way?
Should I have already known right from wrong?
Should I have thought about things before I did them, not after?

I have a lot of questions to ask myself and I need to answer them. 
For myself, if for anyone. 
If I can become better for it, then was it worth it? Everything?
Even the things I hate myself for?
Can I just hate who I was back then?
And try to love the person I'm becoming?
The person who needs my love?
The person who needs to heal?
The person who wants to help others heal?
Even though they reject me?
And I know why they reject me. I know. 
Mostly because they don't understand me. 

Being misunderstood is one of the worst feelings.... 
And hating myself.... 
And being filled with so much guilt and shame... 

Sometimes I think about religion, 
like how people turn to it for "salvation"
instead of saving themselves.... 

How I have looked for "help" from other people
and didn't do the work for myself. 

Others can help us do the work, but a lot of the work
we have to do for ourselves.
Because it is work that only we can do. 
That nobody can do for us. 

Like the myth of the "knight in shining armor
coming to rescue the damsel in distress...."
Is just a f*cking myth. 

And love... We need it, but we also have to show ourselves compassion. 
It's been hard for me to show myself compassion. 
I will admit that I looked for it from other people.
And I looked for it because it felt good and safe 
and it felt like something I needed to feel human. 

Been connecting more to my humanity
through these conversations I've been having...

And I know that I need to do the work
and that acceptance is important. 
Even the things that are hardest for me to accept. 
Even the things that make me feel so sick.... 

But those who know my heart, they know me the most. 
They know me on another level.... 

And those who want to see the good in me, will. 
Those who don't, won't. 
Those who don't know me, will think whatever about me. 
Those who never got to know me.... 
Those who rejected me a long time ago.... 

Growing is f*cking painful. It really is. 
And it's painful to stay stuck doing the same stupid sh*t. 
Painful to regret sh*t we don't think about... 
Until much later, after the fact. 
Thinking on sh*t we wish we never did. 
Especially when we should have known better.... 
But when we wake up and realize things, we can do better than we did.