I Didn't

Been a while since I wrote anything. 
Been going through another bout of depression. 
Sleeping a lot. 
I know I ought to be working on my projects. 
I've had to release someone who I didn't want to release. 
I keep thinking that we could have worked things out. 
But we didn't. It takes two. 
I can't keep being the one who tries. 
And I can't put myself in it to get hurt all over again. 

But why did it hurt? That's what I need to understand. 
Why did that sh*t hurt?
Because I felt rejected? Why does that hurt?
Because wanting to be accepted and cared about mattered?
Why? Because it feels good?
And being rejected feels bad?
Does it hurt because it feels bad?
Or does it feel bad because it hurts?
And is it my ego that it's hurting?
My soul? My feelings? What?
My pride? What?

But I need to heal from all kinds of sh*t I went through. 
In the last few years especially... 
A lot of rejection... 

But a lot of the rejection is due to issues I have. 
Because most people can't handle me the way I've been. 
And I've really felt inferior in so many ways. 
Due to rejection and due to judgement and all kinds of sh*t. 

Compared to people I admire and look up to, 
I feel so f*cking small. 
I recently met a woman who has her sh*t together. 
I was invited to her house and met her, 
and she invited me to join her in her hot tub in the backyard. 
Compared to her, I feel f*cking useless. 
Everything she does... And can do... And who she is... 
Just made me feel... Useless. 

Compared to other mothers... I feel useless. 
I couldn't be there for my son when he needed me the most. 
I was too focused on sh*t that didn't even matter. 
And he felt like he didn't matter... And I feel like that's my fault. 
For not being there and being stupid. 
And not realizing things. When I should have realized things....

I have a lot of sh*t to forgive myself for, but it's so hard. 
He has a lot to forgive me for and whether he ever will, that's up to him. 
I cannot force anyone to forgive me. 
Begging for forgiveness can be annoying, too. 
And I'd want him to forgive me because HE wants to, 
not because I want him to, if that makes sense. 

And I guess I've had abandonment issues due to all the rejection. 
I understand what it feels like. 
Separation anxiety to the max until I finally accept that 
the person isn't in my life anymore. 

I guess, ideally, I'd want to be happy with someone
and want them to be happy with me. 
Sometimes people are not happy on their own
so no matter what I do, they are not happy. 
Doesn't matter what I say when they don't believe me
or they have other issues or issues with my issues... 
But I get rejected a lot. 
Because of how I was, how I've been, what I did, how I reacted, etc. 
All kinds of reasons. 

Like when I wanted to reunite with someone, 
It got all kinds of f*cked up. 
At first, he wasn't giving me much of a chance, 
and then I wasn't giving him much of a chance, 
and things went sideways fast. 
Loads of rejection and it just hurt, a lot. 
But it hurt on a level that I can't explain. 
Because it was important to me.
I spent a long time focusing on something that wasn't working 
and doing things to try to make it work that were not working... 
And trying to be this, that, and other things to someone
who really didn't care at the end of it, 
but I stopped caring at some point
and it made them wonder if I ever really cared....
Because to them, giving up made it seem like I never did... 
But the whole thing was a massive struggle. 
It's been exhausting trying to be understood.
And just... I have had an issue with wanting to be appreciated... 

When people don't appreciate me, or see my value... 
It just makes me feel like "Why should I keep bothering to try?"
Like why should I keep trying? Until one day they do?
And it's been a huge struggle for me. 
When I've tried to help people... 
But a lot of the time, they didn't ask for my help... 
And a lot of the time, I've made things worse
by doing and saying all the wrong things, 
even though I meant well... 

Of course people don't appreciate your efforts when you make sh*t worse. 
I've had my son tell me I was making things worse. 
And the last time I tried to get him help, he didn't want it. 
I was told I was doing the right thing, but to him, it wasn't. 
I ruined the chance I had at trying to rebuild our relationship. 
He rejected me. I feel like a f*cking failure. 
And he rejected me because I failed. 
At getting through to him. 
Because there were many cries for help
and I didn't know what to say or do. 
I got scared. But I cared. It was a test and I failed. 

And had I asked the right person or people for advice, 
I might have done better. 
I didn't know what to do. 
I feel like I should have known what to do
and should have done something. Something else. 
But when we are scared, we can't really think straight. 
And that may be an excuse for doing the wrong thing.... 
Or some like "It's okay that you didn't know what to do."

There were times I got mad
when people told me they didn't know what to do
when they knew what to do but didn't want to do it.
Because it is easier not to do anything.
Maybe the fear of doing the wrong thing
makes us not even want to try... 
It's sad, really sad
and I get mad at myself for all the times 
I could have and should have done something and didn't.