So I've been doing a lot of thinking about some stuff...
I've had a lot of inner work to do for a really long time...
Been seeing a lot of things in myself, some issues.
Some things C***** pointed out to me a while back
that I still think about...
Still want to talk to him, but we haven't talked
because I feel like I'm not good enough to even talk to most people
Especially to him so I just kind of slipped away.
He hasn't contacted me either,
maybe he feels like I wasted enough of his time,
since clearly, I'm not on his level.
I think he was trying to help me
by trying to bring me up to his level,
but I wasn't ready, I guess.
Still a lot of sh*t I have to figure out.
And I had to stop running to him for help with everything.
I've met some pretty intelligent guys
and they've spoken some truth into me.
Like really grounded guys.
I get along better with guys than with girls.
Especially guys who have a good head on their shoulders.
Who are intellectual and on that level
that I wish I was at, but have not reached it, yet.
And that is probably what I need to be focusing on,
getting to a higher level, by addressing my sh*t,
and clearing a lot of sh*t from myself...
I cleared some of it, but not all of it.
I'd like to think I've come a long way from where I used to be.
But I also know I have a long way to go from here.
And it can be hard to make some changes to ourselves...
Like quitting drinking isn't just about not drinking.
It's also about realizing why you drank in the first place...
I used to drink to sedate myself.
To suppress my emotions...
But seen some of stupid habits I have...
Like wearing my heart on my sleeve...
Because I gave it to people who didn't appreciate it,
or deserve it,
didn't do what was needed to keep it...
But is my love conditional?
Is love meant to be conditional?
Or is love meant to be unconditional?
"Love you, no matter what..."
Even after all the grief and emotional turmoil?
But how much of it was based on my own thinking?
On my own desires and expectations?
Versus what was needed in that moment?
To fix the connection?
I can't fix it all on my own all the time.
I want someone else to show compassion and integrity,
and the desire for the connection, to save it...
So I am taking time to reflect on everything.
A lot of things I tolerated for a long time
that I didn't need to tolerate...
I put up with a lot of sh*t that I didn't need or want in my life.
Love isn't always easy, but it shouldn't be so damn hard, either.
It's not so hard to fix things and keep putting the effort in...
But it's more than just that.
It's about recognizing toxic traits in ourselves and others...
And standing up for myself was like adding more fuel to the fire.
Because people do not like it when I say anything.
About their behavior, but they like to shove mine in my face...
My brother said something one time...
He said: "Just because you have a mirror
doesn't mean you have to shove it in anyone's face..."
But things can be brought up in a certain way
where it makes them think and rethink things.
If they are even ready for that.
A lot of people do sh*t without thinking...
They don't think. They don't like to and are not capable
of opening their mind enough to actually change their perspective.
And see things from someone else's POV,
rather than just our own POV.
I wasn't always able to, either...
It takes a lot to see things differently....
Instead of seeing things the way others see things...
Think about all the unique perspectives out there...
But think about those who are unevolved, who don't think....
I have to admit there's a lot to think about
and there's a lot I didn't think through...
And I have had to pay the price for that...
Others do, too.
And if it means they no longer have me in their life,
then that is what it means.
Even if it's hard for me to give up on people...
I have to do what is right for me.
If that means being by myself for as long as it takes
to make my stability a priority,
even above any shot at love I ever get...
I'd rather be alone than be with anyone toxic,
or think I can help heal someone...
Or let them treat me any way they want to...
Just because they don't know any better or are hurting...
Does not give them an excuse...
Or a right to just justify their behavior like it's okay. It's not.
People make mistakes, but they also make choices.
And a bad choice can be a mistake... Yes,
but it's also a bad choice....
We can choose differently...
And yes, I made a lot of bad choices in my life...
I also have a lot of regrets for having made bad choices.
There's a difference between knowing better
and not doing better...
Choosing to do the wrong thing...
Chasing happiness, what we think will make us happy
in the moment, leaves us with a life time of regret afterwards.
When we regret doing the wrong things,
even if it was for the right reasons...
I just wish a lot of things were different
and that I hadn't done a lot of things I have done...
But I wasn't thinking
and that is the cost of not thinking.
That and other consequences.
Like alienating ourselves from people
who we wish were still in our lives...
I had a lot to think about and reflect on recently...
"Why do I need this?"
"Why do I think I need this?"
Why do I think I need others to redeem me?
To approve of me? To validate me?
To respect me, to honor me?
To appreciate me?
Just to feel good? Is that what I think I need it for?
Why can't I get those feelings by myself?
I could... So I should go within for that
and not put my feelings on anyone else.
Not expect anyone to "help" me feel any type of way.
I talked a little bit about this with my therapist today.
I told her how my mother never told me that she loved me.
She came close a couple of times.
I think she wrote it in a card a couple times.
But she never just looked at me and told me "I love you."
It was important for me to tell my son I love him,
but he does not believe me and does not feel loved.
And he told me he doesn't love me anymore....
I know he was trying to hurt me because he's angry with me,
and that really hurt, a lot...
I am glad I told my Grandmother that I love her the last time I did.
She was dying and she could barely say it, but she did.
I feel like she is the only one on this planet who ever truly loved me.
I know she watches over me...
I have to see where I've been bullsh*tting myself...
Not just where others have been bullsh*tting me...
Not just on the bullsh*t others brought to my life...
I HAVEN'T BEEN MY GREATEST ALY.
I STILL HAVE A LOT TO LEARN.
As I learn, I get better, slowly...
It feels better to know more than I used to know.
To have other ways of seeing things...
And I like to pick people's brains and talk to them about this kind of stuff.
Although it's rare to find people to talk to about these things...
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