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Haven't written anything in a while. 
There was a time I used to write a few times a day....
For a while. 

I guess I've been feeling a bit better, 
doing a bit better... 

Whatever's going to happen, will happen. 
There's a lot I have no control over. 
Trying to accept that... 
As hard as it is... 

For a long time, I've wanted some control
over some things in my life. 
Some sort of influence that I didn't have. 
...Still don't have...
But at least people were reading my blog... 
As though my thoughts and feelings actually matter...
Except, maybe they don't... 
So I just haven't written for a while...

Been making the same mistakes... 
And obviously, I've had my lessons to learn... 

But HAVE I learned them?
If I'm still making the same mistakes, then am I?

So anyway, been trying my best to cope
with a bunch of other stuff...
Other than the things I've written about... 

Don't know if I'll write about it....
I made a bunch of mistakes... 
Not too proud about it....

Even though most people don't know who I am. 
Most of my readers.
Managed to keep the blog a secret
from most people I know...

Made a deal with my friend
that if something happens to me...
That he'll release both blogs...

People in my life can get to know me better
from my writing. 
Probably way better than they know me now... 
Not that they've been trying to get to know me... 

Sometimes that's a good thing.
To keep at a safe distance from some people....

Been harder and harder to trust people. 
When I do, they kind of show me why I shouldn't... 
Well, there are a few good friends I have...
Like the friend I trusted with my life insurance.
I made him the beneficiary.
Haven't told him what I want him to do with it, yet. 
Still thinking about that.

Thinking that it might be good to put it towards the hospice... 
Might go back to volunteering, soon.
The people there are good, helps me take my mind off stuff. 

Just because good people do good things, 
doesn't mean they get good things... 

Sometimes bad things happen to people who don't deserve it.

I know I'm paying for stupid sh*t I wish I never did....
If I knew then what I know now...
But hindsight's 20/20.....
Which was supposed to be the tagline of 2020....
Hard to believe it's September now...

Almost a year ago... Things were different for me... 
A lot different... 

I was told I was doing the right thing... 
Wanted to think I was. Was I?
Why do I question myself on it?
A million times? A billion times?

One of my friends asked me how many times
I'm going to replay it. 

No matter how many times I replay it, 
I'm not going to feel any better about it. 
So why do I still do it?
"Thinking about something
that doesn't feel good, 
won't make it feel any better..."

So I try not to, but then I see kids my son's age
and feel guilty. 

Like it is mostly MY fault for how my son's life has turned out...
Mothers get blamed all the time... 

I cried about it, a lot... 
And someone told me
that crying about it wasn't going to change it. 
Which is true. 

It's an emotional release, though.
I used to cry a lot more than I do now. 
But crying doesn't change anything. 

And maybe that's what I needed to hear.