Before Any Of This.... (Part 2)

I had gotten over my last relationship, it took a few years. 
I still remember some good times, but remember how it ended... 

It took me a few years to move past a lot of things. As I said. 
And to open up my heart again, but maybe it was too soon
and I wasn't ready when I thought I was... 
And that's okay. I just wasn't. It wasn't the right time to even try
let alone think of trying and there were things I was doing
that were not working, etc. 
So it's not all his fault and when someone doesn't want what you want
then they just don't want what you want... 
Lessons learned. Around the board. 

And I still have some to learn, which is okay. 

But as I said, I've had other things to work on and focus on....
So I can do that, like I should have been doing all along... 
Doing the internal work I should have been doing, 
could have been doing, trying to cultivate myself... 
But there are certain things I needed to learn 
from my experiences that I have to think about
and incorporate into my life, going forward... 

A big lesson has to do with impulsivity... 
To think things over before I say them
and ask myself why I feel the need to say them
and if it is even necessary to say them... 
And not because I think it is....
A lot of lessons in that... 

I needed those to grow, as a person... 
And still need to grow as a person. 

Having BPD sucks because of some things
like disassociation... And having challenges with relationships etc. 
I brought that up in a chat room once 
and someone said something poignant about BPD. 
He said that one reason that people with BPD
have issues in relationships with other people
is because they have issues in their relationship with themselves. 

And that was very poignant and relatable.... 

It's an important thing to have an identity, 
not just some "idea" of who we are... 
But KNOW who we are are build ourselves up....
And that is part of why the inner work is so important. 

To contribute to our sense of "self"
And that has been so hard for me, and I don't know why. 

Like part of it was looking for validation from other people
to feel good about myself
and other codependent stuff... 

And I guess there's been wounds there, still. 
And all of that had to be brought up to the surface.... 
Wanting to make and have a real, genuine emotional connection... 
With the person I wanted to have it with... 
It just didn't go the way I had hoped... 
And part of that was due to me, part of it was on him... 
And a lot of it was sabotaging myself without realizing I was doing it. 
And some of it was him reacting to me... 
And me reacting to him reacting to me... 
Among other things... 
He sabotaged it, too. We both did. 

And I still feel like if we hadn't,
things could have been a lot better between him and I.
And maybe that's where the hope comes in
that things can turn around... Eventually. 
But people have to want to change. 
He wants me to, but doesn't want to. 
Which has been the story of my life.... 
People wanting ME to change
and not wanting to change... 

But yeah, when we get feedback
on what isn't working and what does work...
What we can do better on, work on, 
how we can be better.... 
It helps us improve. 

And maybe the reactions to improvements are improvements. 

But other than that, it's like WE have to change
to illicit better reactions... 
Maybe to set the example? Idk. 
And even when and if WE change, 
it does not guarantee that someone else will change... 

But someone told me a long time ago, 
that it matters how we approach things... 
If we keep approaching things the same way,
we get the same results and the same reactions... 

And there comes a time where we have to think:
"What kind of a reaction am I going to get if I approach it like THIS...."
And then choose another approach... 

But when we act impulsively, we are apt to take the same approach... 
And get the same reactions.... 
And then react to those reactions impulsively. 
I've noticed this. 
But I don't think about it in the moment. 
So that isn't entirely helpful....
I mean it's helpful to be aware of, 
but unless we use it to our advantage, 
it's not going to be of use... 
I think you get what I'm saying there... 

Sometimes I have a hard time putting things into the right words. 
And sometimes there are things that are just not worth it to even say. 
And some people won't get me no matter what I say... 
And they take sh*t the wrong way... 
Because it seems "crazy" to them... 
Like there's no "validity" in anything I say... 
Because of the way some people look at me
and the way they see me... 
It seems to negate anything I say
that might have any "truth" to it. 

It's pretty frustrating.... To say the least. 
Like "you can't consider anything I say
because you formed an opinion about me?
And your opinion matters more
than considering what may be valid in what I have to say?"

Anyway, it still bothers me, 
but can't force people to listen and understand. 

Stupidity: "I can explain something to you, 
but can't understand it for you."

And people can't understand things for me, either. 
And people will form opinions on me based on things
I have yet to learn etc. 
And things they don't think I understand... 
Just as I have judged others on things
that they still have yet to learn and don't seem to understand, 
but is that really worth it?
Do I have to judge them based on those things?
Do they have to judge me based on those things?

WE ALL COULD STAND TO LEARN SOME THINGS.
ABOUT OURSELVES, ABOUT OTHERS
ABOUT HOW TO ACT, BEHAVE, BE, THINK, LIVE ETC.
Just a lot of things we never really thought about before... 
And a lot of things people don't really talk about.... 
Not very often. 
Maybe they assume common sense is common... 
Or people who ought to know things
or ought to have been taught things....
KNOW already or were taught already.... 
When that isn't always the case.... 

There's been a lot that I have yet to learn
and there was a time where I was in my ego,
and couldn't be told some things, 
didn't want to listen and didn't want to be taught,
and had to learn a lot of sh*t the hard way... 

The thing is that the right person to teach people
will never try to make anyone feel stupid for not knowing something. 
When C***** and I used to have discussions about things....
He'd ask me questions that made me think about things differently. 
But in a way that wasn't rude or condescending, nor insulting. 
Just in a way that made me think. 
And that is what more people need. 
But not necessarily what they want...
There were times I didn't really think about things
like what I was doing, what I wasn't doing. 
I wasn't aware. I didn't always care, either. 
I was pretty selfish and ignorant, and blind about some things. 
So f*cking ASLEEP.... NOT CONSCIOUS.

And when I started waking up.... Looking at myself.... 
A lot hit me all at once.... And hit me really f*cking hard,
but by that time.... All the things I was learning
were things I needed to know a long time ago
and wish I knew back then.... 

And a big barrier to learning those things
were the things I was focused on:
"What we focus on determines what we miss."
But we don't often realize that.... 
Until we realize that the things we were focused on
never really mattered as much as we thought they did.... 

And a lot of things we thought about for so long... 
And the way we thought about those things.... 
The way we looked at things... 
We end up missing other things.... 

And it took me a really long time to see that 
and I missed out and f*cked up so much.... 
And I'm sad that I did. 
I lost what I lost because of that... 
And that is my fault for not seeing that. 
And not knowing what to do when I did see it. 
And still feeling like there isn't much I can do, now....
What I would give to be able to fix things
and make everything better... 

I want to have hope for the future and hope for good things to happen... 
For things to change for the better, but I can't force it. 
And I don't know how to inspire it. 

And if I let things be, they could get worse.... 
So I don't really know what to do sometimes.... 
And we aren't all born knowing what to do. 
There are things we must be taught, 
but things we also need to learn for ourselves from experience. 

From our mistakes, from our regrets.... 
I am disappointed in myself, but I guess I know better now.... 
Even though it seems to be too late.... 
I hope that it's not, but sometimes it is.... 
And if it is, that is my fault. 
For not waking up sooner, not realizing things sooner.... 

Sometimes we aren't ready to, but when we wait too long, 
to realize that we have a lot to realize.... 
Often, it takes so long that it's too late for a lot of things. 
Unfortunately...