Just To Cry.....

Someone told me that crying can be very healing.... 
For a long time I couldn't cry.... 
There were only a few times I've cried... 
Out of pain, out of fear of loss, from some relief... 
When I see something touching and beautiful.... 

Been having dreams about M***. 
Dreams that are about him trying to find me....
And me not being allowed to reach out to him...
That he goes off with her after she comes to break him out of jail. 
He doesn't miss me or think about me... 
I miss him and think about him daily, 
but "how can you miss him, A***?"

After all the mental and emotional abuse?
And how could he miss my anger and resentment?
It wasn't working because he didn't know what he wanted
and didn't know if I'd be good to him or right for him.... 
Even when others were not being good to him... 
And I watched as he got hurt.... 
But been told he hurt other girls, too. Not just me. 

I remember when I started cutting in high school. 
It had a lot to do with not feeling good enough... 
Because he couldn't see me... I wasn't the one he wanted back then.... 
He knew I existed and was somewhat nice to me, 
but I wasn't invited to the parties or to anything. 
He told me that he wished we had drank together.... 
But I wasn't ever invited back when I used to drink. 
I guess he thought I didn't drink.... 

But I guess if we had gotten together back then, 
I wouldn't have gone through what I went through 
that made me quit drinking.... 
And I never should have started again after I quit the first time....
I should have been working on myself 
instead of trying to drink stuff away.... 

And I keep looking back at all my faults and mistakes....
Knowing I can't drink it away.... 
My low self-esteem.... 
Because it just seems like I'm never good enough
for those I wish I was good enough for... 

And I did things in the past because my self-esteem was so low.
Only to make it lower because at some point, 
I just realized that I didn't respect myself enough
to know that I didn't have to do those thing
to try to feel better about myself.... 
To be accepted, valued, even loved.... 
And people stopped valuing me.... If they ever did.... 

Mostly because of my faults, mistakes, bad choices.... 
It just made me loath myself even more. 
But I can't just smoke a joint and make it go away
or drink a beer, or 5.... 
Or chase some toxicity and want that in my life... 
Toxicity is not going to help me heal. 
It's just going to hurt me more and more.... 

I can't go towards instability and expect stability... 
And it just makes me seem unstable.... 
Which I have been... Very... 
And it's not attractive or desirable... 

Been feeling the need to withdraw, retreat.... 
I can't rewind my life to show people I care about that I care
and to show them how to love by loving them
the way they needed to be loved... 
I've had toxicity in my life, too. 
I wasn't healed from my past stuff. 
I don't really know how to heal from my past stuff.....
I can barely cry it out of me.... 

I do not want to chase or be chased. 
When it comes to "love"
I learned a lot from several things.... 
People being chased tend to run away.... 
And it wasn't my intent, I just wanted to be able to
express myself, fully. How I felt.... 
But not everyone is used to that.... 

And I've had that happen to me
when I wasn't ready and someone was very interested in me... 
So I should know what that is like. 
How it looks and seems... 

I shouldn't have to beg for the truth, 
or to connect, reconnect, for attention, affection, 
love, trust, loyalty, or any of that. 

Also, I should be allowed to just be myself. 
If that's not good enough, they are not right for me. 

But at the same time.... 
I have to be comfortable as I am. With who I am. 
And I've had a hard time with who I am
because I've wanted to be good enough.... 
At the same time.... I don't want people to "change" me
into something I'm not to make them feel comfortable around me. 
Because that's not comfortable for me. 

I just wanted to be accepted and loved for me. 
Not some version of me they wanted me to be.... 
Caring about things that I stopped caring about a long time ago.... 
I'm not into clothes and fashion and makeup.... 
I don't see how dressing to impress makes me a better person on the inside....
I don't see how looking like a super model makes me a better person.... 

Lots of people can be beautiful on the outside, 
but very ugly and nasty on the inside.... 

I haven't been a good person all my life. 
I've been frustrated and taken it out on others. 
I've been hurt and taken it out on others. 
Without even realizing that I was doing it. 

And when I've shown concern, they didn't believe I really cared. 
That I was putting on a show to show them I cared
because it was the "right thing" to do...

And people telling me I'm strong doesn't make me feel strong. It doesn't. 
I haven't always handled things in the best ways.... 
Because I just feel so much and when I express it, 
I push people away instead of drawing them in
which is what I wanted to do.... 

When people don't want to take the blame for f*cking up... 
They just walk away or run away. 
Instead of saying: "Hey, I f*cked up."
"This is my fault. I did this or that."
"I'm really sorry A***. For the way I treated you.
For what I did to you. For what I put you through..."

And it has a lot to do with him being insecure. 
And me being insecure. 
He tries to fill his voids with as much attention as he can get.... 
From other girls.... 

I did that for a while.... Flirted with some guys
to try to feel better about myself.... 

But I don't have to do that.... 
I have to figure out how to just feel better on my own. 
Feel better about myself by myself
so I don't go back to old habits.... 

Sure, it's nice to feel wanted.... 
But I want to be wanted for the right reasons. 
Because I'm understood, loved, appreciated. Truly.... 

And I get how emotions get in the way.... 
Mine have gotten in the way. 
All the times I felt betrayed, and sad, and upset. 
All the times I expressed that.... 
And drove him away. To other girls.... 
Who weren't "making him" feel bad....
For being a JERK.... 

And yes, I am disappointed. Very. 
Because that's not the M*** I remembered... 
He wasn't that way with me before.... 

Why do I try to figure out why?
I was stuck on that.... 
And I know some of it, when I look back at myself.... 
I got upset easily. 
But those things were not little things, to me.
If they were unsure about me, say it.

And making assumptions about my intentions
based on their intentions doesn't help. At all. 

I allowed him to trigger me and got triggered. 
But I knew he was trying to. 

And it was like a power struggle. 
He wanted to be on top and he wanted control over me
thinking that's what I wanted.... It's not. 
But I do stand up for myself. 

And people can doubt we feel the way we feel
because they aren't looking at how they feel.... 
It's them having doubts.... 
That they project. 

And it seemed that I wanted control. 
For him to show me that I meant something to him. 
For him to take the lead, to initiate, to invite....
Obviously, I can force anything. 
Even for him to tell me the truth.... Just that....
"You didn't ask..."
Should I ask if he's f*cking other girls?
If he's still f*cking his ex?
About the stuff he never told me?
For him to just have that conversation with me?
Or let him make the excuse "You didn't ask..."

But it's like he wanted me to beg him to just tell me....
And I shouldn't have to. 

And he was thinking I was keeping things from him...
About who? My friends? Who I'm not sleeping with?
Just because he thinks I am does not mean that I am. 

If I really have real feelings for someone....
I have real feelings for them only. 

And yes, I have doubted a guy's feelings for me before
because he didn't show me or tell me what I meant to him...

AND IT P*SSES ME RIGHT OFF
THE TIMES I TOLD THE TRUTH
ONLY TO BE CALLED A LIAR!

Like I choose to study.... 
That means I'm having s*x with someone?

I stay at a male friend's house.....
Doesn't mean I'm sleeping with said friend....

A friend asks to stay with me....
Doesn't mean I'm sleeping with said friend.... 

But in his mind, it does
because his friends are more than friends.... 
My friends are only friends. 
And if any of my friends have any feelings for me
they hide it well. Very well. 

But he wants to keep things the way they are
with his "friends" and hid it from me the whole time. 
Like he was completely single and unattached.... Lied. 
Like he was into me.... Lied. 

So what am I to think? Or feel?
Just be "disgustingly optimistic"?
While being given false hope?
"You're the one thinking it's false...."
Then give me something to go on.... 
Not just words.... Conversations.... Discuss it. With me. 
Not your "friends"
who obviously do not want you coming towards me.... 
Because things would change for them.... 

But how is it he can't see that?

And why have I been stuck on this for this long?
Wants to listen to everyone's opinions about me
except for forming his own.... 
Except for getting to know me, spending time with me... 
Listening to me, believing MY truth.... 

But no, there's no way I could feel anything? Eh?
And I told him to tell me how he feels, he wouldn't. 
Either he did feel something, and hiding it, 
or he actually feels nothing. 

And I don't need to wait for him to make up his mind. 
Why should I? He already has options, let him choose. 
Let them fight over him. 
Let him enjoy the drama he's causing.... 

Let me figure out some things on my own.... By myself.... 
Let me make my changes by myself. 
What has he helped me with? Anything?
Reflection.... Helped me see some things I was doing
that wasn't working.... 

Made me realize some things about myself. 
Played with my heart and on my insecurities. 
Like after all that, I feel the most insecure about myself
than I've ever felt about myself.... 

It wasn't even really jealousy.... Not this time. 
In the past, yeah.... But it was more insecurity than jealousy. 

It's one thing if he felt insecure with me
because I was getting attention from other guys.... 
Because I'm single.... 
But just because I'm single doesn't mean I'm available. 
And doesn't mean I'm hooking up with everyone
who shows any interest in me at all.... 
Because 1) I have self control
2) I was only into one guy
3) I'm not giving myself to everyone

But I have to believe that I'm good enough.... 
Even for myself and I don't feel that
because of my past and my poor choices. 
And everything that failed between my son and I. 
I feel like a failure in many regards
so it's hard to feel confident in anything.... 

Even when I hit a bullseye on the first shot....
Using a LEFT handed bow.... 

It's so hard to feel confident
When the guy I was seeing was seeing others.... 
And hiding that fact.... For so long.... 

And his "ex" doesn't want him to move on.... 
Playing with his head and his emotions just because she can.... 
To make it hard for him to start something with someone else.... 
So if it wasn't over, why tell me it was?

And when she found out about me, it wasn't over?
And everyone has something to say about me?!
WITHOUT GETTING TO KNOW ME?
AND PUTTING THOUHTS IN HIS HEAD ABOUT ME?

Yeah, I'm tired of it.... I really am. 
So I stopped trying
and it makes me look like I never cared about him. 
If I did I'd stay, wouldn't I?
For what though? For him to figure things out with his "ex"?
And why would a guy stick around for me?
To let me figure out how I feel?

When I knew how I felt before everything derailed?
Was derailed on purpose?
And he can't see that?

He sabotaged it. I did by giving up. 
But I really didn't have a choice in the matter. 
It was give up or get dragged into the bullsh*t even deeper.... 

"Oh she wants him? Let's see about that....
Even though I don't really want him
or I wouldn't have cheated on him multiple times....
But I can still convince him that I do want him
because I know he still wants me....
And he'll push her out of the picture....
Like he did all those times before....
And she'll give up and go away
and won't be a threat to me anymore...."

But SHE'S the one living in HIS house. 
Which I didn't know about... 
Of course she's going to want to keep living there
and letting him pay for everything.... 
And getting him to do everything for her.... 

And if he still had feelings for her this whole time... 
Maybe he should have told me that.... 
Instead of telling me it was already over.... 
Instead of telling me he liked me.... 
That he loved me.... Only fair?

And the times I was going to call it quits and did
were the times I didn't want to keep fighting
for a one-sided thing. 
The times I didn't want to compete or fight over him. 
When he didn't want me anyway.... 
When it was so easy for him to walk away from me.... 
And he was thinking it was easy for me.... 
I would have hung in there.... 
I would have stayed like I wanted to.... 
But.... She knew she could get him back
whenever another girl came along.... 
Even when all she wanted was his money, not him. 
All she had to do was do what she has always done. 
Because it always worked. 

And how am I supposed to stand a chance?
Did I ever? Really? 

Was I just playing ball against a brick wall?
That's what it's like trying to get off the ground... 
With someone who wasn't taking the chance.... 
Who wanted to keep letting himself get pulled back into that.... 
Every. Single. Time.

We can't speed up anyone's emotional development. 
And hold back our emotional development
while waiting for them to catch up to us.... 

If they don't know where there head and heart is.... 
Who am I to tell them their head and heart should be wih me?
Who am I to tell them that?

Am I happy with being an "Almost"
when it could have been something?
Had he not shoved me away every time I got close?

Do I still want him to figure himself out? Yeah. 
Do I still want him to develop emotionally?
Apart from thinking that he needs someone? Yeah. 
To figure things out for himself? 
Not so we can be together.... 
Because I really can't say I feel the way I used to....
Being put through the wringer.... Many times.... 
And once should have been enough for me.... 

Why was I thinking that "this time will be different"?
"This time he'll try for me"?
"This time he won't do me like that"?

And I get that there were times I looked crazy
because I really poured my heart into it
because that is where my head and heart were at....
The whole time. 

And my friends just saw me miserable.... 
Apparently wanting something I couldn't have
but not realizing it and not knowing why....
Because there was no clarity given to me. 
He seemed to enjoy keeping me stuck and confused. 
But it was him who was stuck and confused.... 
Over a long term relationship. 
That I was told was already over.... 

And no, I didn't have to chase him.... 
It wasn't that I do that.... 
I just knew what I wanted at the time
and I was going after what I wanted....
Which turns out isn't for me.... 

If it was, there'd be no chasing.
It would just be a mutual exchange of energy. 
No running, no games, no bullsh*t. 
No drama, no "ex" who just inserts herself
like "I can get him back, I do it all the time."
Just to f*ck with his head and his heart. 
And he thought I was doing that, too. 
Because I was in it, then I tap out. 
Then try to get back in it, then tap out. 

Because it's hard to just give up, just like that. 
Even when the only reason to keep trying
is because you know what you wanted.... 
You know how you felt. 

But it's easier for them to push me away
than to figure out how they really feel about me....
But that takes time, takes effort.... 
Having fun together, talking, many things.... 
And it wasn't fun for him to be confronted about it.... 
Over and over and over again.... 
And the energy spent trying to get that time, 
trying to have those talks, confronting.... 
Could have been spent on many other things... 

So I just need to be alone....
Not to wait for him... Not to wait for anything... 
Not to want anything... 
Just to take time to grow and build myself up. 
Not to just give and give and give and lose out. 

But really, what do I have left to give?
I'm depleted. Very. 
I am sapped of strength. 
I feel so defeated in so many areas in my life....

So hittng a bullseye on my first shot.... 
Doesn't have the same feeling I had long ago. 

And then it is setting the bar high. Very high. 
He told me that. All other shots that aren't a bullseye
are just meh shots.... 
And that's how it is with life.

He taught me things.... I'll say that....
If that's what it was, that's what it was.

That I do not want to be taken for granted...
Taking from me... Leaving me depleted....
Taken advantage of... Just because I want to love and be loved....
So yes, I have to hold back, not that I want to. 
I just wanted to dive in, drive it home. 
Make something of it. BUILD.
But why build for someone who will willingly tear it down?
Burn it to the ground?
Trying many times.... 
Because that's what I wanted.... Was it?
Did I get what I wanted? Nope.
Welp, that was fun. Not. 

DON'T TELL ME IT'S OVER UNLESS IT IS!

Anyway, I'm just tired now. 
GUARDED AF.
JADED AF.

I HAVE TO GO IT ALONE NOW.
BUILD OTHER THINGS ON MY OWN....

He knows I'm mad and expects me to retaliate in some way. 
I think he's mad at me for walking away. 
WHAT CHOICE DID I HAVE? REALLY?
DID HE GIVE ME A CHOICE?
DID HE GIVE ME ANYTHING TO HOLD ON TO?
WAS I JUST GRASPING AT FADED MEMORIES?
AND HOPE THAT HE TOLD ME WASN'T FALSE?
WHILE HE WAS DOING WHAT HE WAS DOING
WITH WHOEVER? NOT ME?
WHAT CHOICE DID I HAVE? REALLY?

Anyway, I wrote about this many, many, many times. 
For a long time, I stopped talking about it. 
Because I wasn't getting anywhere
and because talking about it wasn't changing it. 

And there are lots of other things to talk about.... 
Trying to figure out some other things
that are more important right now, for me. 
For my mental and emotional health. 

But I still have dreams about him.....
And in my dreams we don't connect, either. 
And he chooses her anyway....

A friend and her boyfriend went golfing the other day....
He was saying that he has a friend and they need 4 to golf.
So he asked her to bring a friend and she asked me to go. 
So I will go golfing next week at some point. 
To be the 4th.... And meet his friend. 
Even though I don't want anything with anyone. 
Even though I need to figure out a lot of stuff.... 

Even though I'm not strong enough to put myself out there, again. 
Even though I need to be doing other things in my life at this time. 
And maybe that's why I went through all of that.... 
To show me that I am supposed to be doing other things. 

To refocus, redirect myself, my energy... 
Doing whatever it is that I'm meant to be doing. 
That doesn't have anything to do with him or any guys. 
Or any "love interest"
Or any connection between me and someone else....
It's just that I felt it so strongly that I felt there was something to it. 
Some reason I was following my heart.... To him. 
I knew how I always felt about him. 
From a very young age. 
And I told him everything. All of it. Finally. 
But what was the point of that? What was it?
Either having regrets that I never told him.... 
And live with that for the rest of my life.... 
Or take the chance of telling him.....
All for nothing....

To eventually lose respect for him....
Be forced to change the way I look at him, see him, 
feel about him. 
Like he did when he chose to believe
the rumors about me.....
Chose to make assumptions about me
and judged me off those assumptions.... 

Like assuming that I'm sleeping with every guy I know....
Just because the closest friends I have are guys. 
And they don't see me as anything. Other than a friend. 
Not like he had any competition. 
It was only himself and his arrogance/ego.
He did a great job turning me off. 
Making me walk away.
That must have been what he wanted all along. 

"He's just not that into you, A***.
You're not a coke wh*re.
He can't treat you like a piece of meat."
No, but he didn't have to treat me like a fkn joke either.

So now I'm just really guarded. I'll meet new people. 
But I don't want to get or be involved. 
Too heavily. 

I thought about running away with a friend....
Going into the wilderness.... Building a yurt
and trying to manage the rest of my existence away from society. 
But I can rough it, just can't cut it.... 

Been thinking a lot about giving up the life I have
that I'm not entirely comfortable with
to start from nothing and make something else....

And maybe another path will lead me to another destination... 

"Old ways don't open new doors." They don't. 

An example I have from a past experience.... 
I had taken the sliding windows out to wash them.... 
Getting them back in was a hassle. 
I even cried out of sheer frustration. 
I just wanted to get the windows back onto the track
so that they would go back in. 
I had to take a break from it. 

1) I knew there had to be a way to do it
2) I knew that what I kept doing wasn't working

So I had to take a different approach to it. 
After a while, I was able to put them back in. 

And there had to be a way of reaching my son. 
But what I was doing wasn't working. 
Writing to him isn't helping. 

I guess you can say I missed my last chance. 
Messed it up. Ruined it. 
But it wasn't just me. 
It takes 2 to make things work.... 

Other people ruined things with me, 
but I look past it because I love them....

And somehow I think I can help them, 
help them see that there's another way. 
To teach them something nobody else has....

It's kind of like those drinking dreams I used to have....
When I first quit drinking.... 
Maybe there will come a time that they stop
like those drinking dreams did. 

And another thing that I came across
was that I was trying to build without a foundation....
And I have to forgive myself for trying to rush into something
when it wasn't the time and wasn't my place
and wasn't for me...

It was for me to learn what I needed to and to launch me 
into whatever is next for me, 
but I get to decide what is next for me. 
And what will be good for me. 
THAT wasn't good for me. 
THAT is why it didn't get off the ground. 
And I wasn't taking it as slow as I could have, 
but I don't want to wait the rest of my life
for anyone to make up their mind
about what they want with me, if anything. 
Because I have things to do. 
That do not involve many if anyone. 
There's a lot for me to learn.
There will be some teachers along the way, 
but I also need to find my voice to share what I am learning. 
With those willing to listen. 
But not many people are because they think they already know everything.... 

And no matter how smart people are
or think they are, 
there is always something more to learn. 
Another way to look at things, from another perspective... 

And as much as I want to be on the same page as those I admire... 
They are so far above me.... 
But they never looked down on me
for continuing to put my hands on the hot stove. 
Even knowing it will burn me...  
Not that I enjoy the pain....
Or ever did.... 
And I don't even know why I keep doing it. 
To punish myself?
For the day it doesn't hurt anymore?
I don't fkn know. 

And I stand NO chance with them. 
Because they are SO out of my league. 
Can't talk butterfly language with caterpillar people. 
I'm not a butterfly, yet. 
But I'm not exactly a larvae. 

I'd like to think that I have learned quite a bit...
I do have regrets and remorse. 
I do care. I have a hard time showing it. 
But I can't expect people to just know that I do. 
And can't expect them to believe me when I tell them.... 

And I need to forgive myself for A LOT. 
Even if nobody else forgives me. 
I never intended to hurt anyone and I did. 
There was a time I didn't care as much as I do today. 
There was a time I was a different person. 

I am glad that I have grown and changed....
But also, when I look back I want to die. 

I was thinking today... About saying goodbye to people. 
The people I care about the most.... 
Telling them I love them. 
Telling them they made a difference in my life. 
Thanking them for being in my life.... 

And then I think about the guy my friend and I found in the park....
I went past the place I found him, today. 
And the 6 times I tried to kill myself FAILED
because I was supposed to help him... 
And whoever else I was supposed to help.... 

And there may be others out there, along my path.... 
Who I am supposed to meet and help in some small way.... 
In some way.... I don't know how.... Or who, or when, or why....  
And maybe someone will show up in my life to help me.... 
Unexpectedly.... Help me deal with this. 
This mess that I created.... Called my life. 
But I have to do what I need to do. For me. 

I have to heal from DEEP wounds. 
That I patially caused myself
by handing the sword to someone who decided to thrust it into me, 
and twist it around... Many times.... 
And it is for me to ressurect myself.... 
To come out of it stronger than I was before. 
To help others as much as I can, in whatever ways that I can. 
While I'm still here.... While I still an. 
And maybe someone will remember me. 
And think something good of me. 
And know that I don't want to hurt anyone. 

But yet I have and I don't know why....
And I don't know why people hurt me....
Because I hurt them and didn't mean to?
Because they didn't tell me?
Didn't tell me that what I did hurt them?
But I should know. So should they. 

But I don't have to stick it to them
just because they stuck it to me....
And they don't have to do it to me
just because I couldn't see what I was doing..... 
Because I can see a lot more now than I could before. 
I reflected a lot.... I still have a lot of reflecting to do.... 
I have a lot more to see and to know, 
processing a lot of emotional baggage
and I need to HEAL but I need to feel the pain
and process the pain.... 
Learn how to live, laugh, and love again.... 
But on my own this time.... 
Not put my keys in someone else's pocket. 
Not to choose someone who has their eyes closed. 
Who will not open then to see what THEY are doing to ME.
And WHY they are doing it. 

I've been single for a long time. I can take it. 
Even when I wasn't single.... 

I remember going to my grad party.... 
I was sitting at a table with an aquaintance who was there with his date, 
two other couples... (He married her).
All the guys got their dates roses. 
And I was the odd one out without a date. 
My aquaintance poured a drink for me. Felt bad for me. 
Saw him a few years later when he bacame a cop....
I'm happy for him and happy he remembered me. 
Was a nice gesture from him.... I'll always remember that. 
Thanks, S****. That meant something to me. 
Being alone isn't something I really wanted... 
But maybe that's what I need....

Maybe that's what I've needed for a while....  
Because I spent so much time trying to make things "work"
with people who were not trying to understand me.... 
Didn't hear me, listen, see me.... Appreciate me.... 
For what I can bring to the table....  
Even if it's not all that they want... Or dreamed of.... 
If it's something, it's something
and if it's all I have to give, then it's all I have to give. 
And I'm just really guarded now. More than ever. 
It could take a really long time to open my heart again, 
but next time, I have to do it so slowly... 
Because I can't just do it like I did before. 
It was like opening a flood gate... 
Because I was so trusting.... 
I really wanted to love again.... 
And be loved again, 
but I can't rush it. 
Especially with someone who isn't ready or open to it. 
Or doesn't see any potential or doesn't feel anything for me.... 

So sometimes I want to just cry it out.... Everything. 
ALL the pain, all the suffering, grief... EVERYTHING....
BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW.... 
AND I'M SCARED THAT IT'LL HURT SO BAD.... 
AND ALL THE PAIN JUST BRINGS UP THOSE FEELINGS
OF WANTING TO DIE... TO JUST NOT BE HERE ANYMORE. 
AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT FEELING THAT WAY.... 
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE THAT GO AWAY. 

AND I THINK ABOUT IT ALMOST EVERY DAY... 
AND I TRY TO TALK MYSELF OUT OF IT. 

AND I KNOW A LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE FEEL THAT WAY, TOO.
BECAUSE THEY FEEL ALONE, TOO.
BUT IT IS OKAY TO BE ALONE. 
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING ALONE. 
SOMETIMES WE HAVE TO WALK THE PATH BY OURSELVES.... 
AND LEARN SOME THINGS ON OUR OWN. 

REALIZE THAT OTHER PEOPLE HAVE ISSUES
THAT ONLY THEY CAN WORK ON. 
JUST LIKE I HAVE ISSUES I NEED TO WORK ON. 
SO THE THINGS THAT HURT ME
DON'T HAVE SO MUCH POWER OVER ME
THAT I FEEL LIKE THIS EVERY FKN DAY OF MY LIFE.... 
AND I DON'T LEAN ON PEOPLE SO MUCH.
"IF I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU CONSTANTLY
TO MAKE YOU FEEL SECURE,
I PROBABLY DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU ANYMORE."

AND THAT IS FAIR TO SAY 
BECAUSE MY INSECURITY VS SECURITY AS A PERSON
IS MY FKN ISSUE. NOT ANYONE ELSE'S.
THEY HAVE THEIR OWN ISSUES.... 

Anyway, I guess I needed to get that out.... 
And I have a long way to go. 
To feel okay being on my own. 
Because I would rather be alone
than open my heart to someone
who'll just do me like I was done. 
And act like they didn't. 
Like it was no big deal. 
"Just get over it."

Like the saying:
"It takes the heart longer to accept
what the mind already knows...."

There's been a lot of damage. A lot. 
And I can't even really process it. 
I thought being angry about it would help me. It hasn't. 
I am just sad... Very worn and torn and just not the same.... 
I think that is what bothers me the most. 
Not that I didn't get what I wanted... Do I ever?
Even if it's something small and simple?
Even if it's something easy?
Even if it is a little thing that would mean the world to me?

But I see others struggling like this. 
We can't expect anything. Not even little things. Just nothing. 
From anyone. 
"Good things can happen unexpectedly, too."
That's why they are surprises.
And we ought to enjoy them. 
For whatever they are worth... 

Good surprises make up for all the shocks.... 
And it just hits so fkn hard, some things hit really fkn hard. 
And they hurt so bad.... 
And we have to salvage whatever is left, 
and try to build on that....
No matter how hard that is
because often there isn't much left.... If anything.... 

Just a shell of who we used to be.... Empty. 
And the emptiness doesn't hurt as bad... This I've found out. 
Like there are times I've been able to shut my feelings off, 
but I couldn't feel anything. Not anything good, just nothing. 
And that wasn't the way to go, 
but it protected me from the pain for a while... 
And when the pain came back.... It got to be a LOT.

And I didn't know what to do with it. 
But I know IT'S NOT RIGHT
TO HURT ANYONE WHO NEVER HURT YOU
AND EVEN THE PEOPLE WHO HURT US....
EVEN IF THEY 'DESERVE IT'
FOR HURTING US.... 
IT'S NOT RIGHT. 

SO THE PAIN HAS TO BE PROCESSED SOME OTHER WAY
AND RELEASED.... BECAUSE WE DON'T NEED TO HOLD ONTO IT.
FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES. 
IT SERVES A PURPOSE, BUT IT'S NOT MEANT TO
KEEP US IN SOME DEEP PIT OF DARKNESS AND DESPAIR....
FOR ALL ETERNITY.....

I don't know how else to put this stuff into words... 
I know that we can be angry that we are in pain to begin with. 
Like the things we wanted, we didn't get.... 
The things we wanted to have, we don't have. 
We can be angry at OURSELVES. 
For not saying the things we needed to say.... 
For not saying anything.... 
For not knowing what to say or do.... 
For putting ourselves in stupid situations.... 
For feeling too deeply for shallow fkn people.... 
For saying and doing all the wrong things
at all the wrong times....  
For not feeling good enough.... Ever.... 
For anyone... But are we good eough for ourselves?
Are we okay being who we are?
Even if NOBODY WILL EVER KNOW WHO WE TRULY ARE?
EVEN IF NOBODY SEES OUR HEART?
EVEN IF NOBODY CARES?
EVEN IF WE HAVE TO WALK STRETCHES ALONE?
IN THE COLDNESS? IN THE DARK?
TO FIND WHATEVER WAS LET THERE FOR US?
TO FIND SOME ILLUMINATION?
THOSE MOMENTS OF REALIZATION?
EVEN IF THEY ARE FKN PAINFUL?
SO PAINFUL THAT WE CAN'T BEAR THE PAIN?
LIKE A SWORD IN THE HEART?
WHY NOT THREE? WHY NOT 53?
WHY NOT SO MANY
THAT IT MAKES IT SO HARD TO GET BACK UP?

EVEN WHEN YOU SPENT SO MUCH TIME
TRYING TO HELP PEOPLE?
WHILE THEY DO NOT KNOW YOU'RE DYING INSIDE, TOO. 
BECAUSE THEY DON'T ASK....  

AND PRETENDING THAT YOU ARE OKAY....
IS EASIER THAN TELLING THEM THAT YOU'RE FKN NOT....

WOULD THEY GET IT? REALLY GET IT?
WHILE THEY ARE CONSUMED IN THEIR OWN SH*T?
LIKE I HAVE BEEN?

AND THAT WAS SOMETHING I DIDN'T SEE... 
FOR SO FKN LONG AND IT COST ME. DEARLY. IT HAS. 
IT COST ME THINGS AND PEOPLE
I CANNOT GET BACK OR HAVE BACK. 
BECAUSE I WAS OBLIVIOUS. 
STUPIDLY OBLIVIOUS. 
AND THERE WAS A PRICE TO PAY FOR THAT.
THAT I HAVE TO PAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
AND IT MAKES LIFE HARDER. 
KNOWING THAT IT WAS MY FAULT.
THAT I SACRIFICED THE THINGS AND PEOPLE
WHO MATTERED THE MOST TO ME.

ALL BECAUSE I WAS CONSUMED IN MY OWN SH*T. 
AND I NEVER FKN ASKED THEM.... 
ABOUT THEIR PAIN, THEIR STRUGGLES...
I JUST COULDN'T SEE THEY WERE SUFFERING, TOO. 
AND I DON'T KNOW WHY I COULDN'T AND DIDN'T. 
AND ALL I DID WAS ADD TO THEIR SUFFERING.... 
THAT IS ALL THAT I DID....

AND THAT IS ONE OF THE HARDEST THINGS
THAT I HAVE TO FORGIVE MYSELF FOR....
FOR BEING OBLIVIOUS. 
FOR BEING SO CONSUMED IN MY SH*T
THAT I WAS OBLIVIOUS. 

AND NOW THAT I KNOW AN CAN SEE ALL THAT.... 
IT IS TAKING A HUGE TOLL ON ME. 
IT MAKES MY CHEST HEAVY. 
IT MAKES IT HARD TO SLEEP, TO EAT, TO LIVE. 
MAKES ME WONDER WHY TF I AM STILL ALIVE.... 

Anyway, I needed to get that out. 
Maybe someone might understand that. 
How hard it has been to forgive myself.... 
And how I WISH that people would forgive me
for not seeing that they were suffering, too. 
For not knowing, not asking, not reaching out to them.... 
Not showing them I cared. That I care.  
That i am here, too. 
That they can lean on me, too. 
THAT IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT ME. 
THAT I'M SO FKN ASHAMED AND SORRY
FOR BEING SO FKN SELFISH. 
I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE HURTING.... 
AND JUST BECAUSE THEY DON'T SAY ANYTHING
DOESN'T MEAN THEY DON'T FEEL IT.... 
UNLESS THEY SHUT DOWN.... 
BECAUSE IT IS EASIER THAN TRYING TO COPE. 
WITHOUT KNOWING HOW TO COPE.... 

HAD PEOPLE TELL ME
THAT I WAS JUST FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF.... 
AND THERE WERE TIMES I THREW MYSELF
BIG PITY PARTIES AND SULKED AND CRIED OVER BULLSH*T. 
WAS IT REALLY SO FKN BAD?
WHEN THINGS CAN BE SO MUCH WORSE?
BUT IT'S NOT TO COMPARE SOMEONE ELSE'S PAIN TO OUR OWN....
BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE GO THROUGH THINGS
THAT WE CANNOT FKN IMAGINE.

So what do we do with that? Reflect, realize.... Release. 
So fkn what? The guy I was so in love with
ended up being a fkn TWAT? SO FKN WHAT?
AT LEAST I DIDN'T MARRY HIM TO FIND THAT OUT....
SO WHAT HE TORE MY HEART OUT.... ?

I WAS FOCUSED ON THE WRONG SH*T, YET AGAIN. 
WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE TO TRY TO FIX THINGS WITH MY SON. 
AND I DIDN'T. I FKED THAT UP. ROYALLY. 

AND DID HE EVEN APPRECIATE ME ANYWAY?
BUT DID HE FEEL APPRECIATED?

ALL THE WHILE I WANTED MR. TWAT TO SEE ME
VALUE ME AND APPRECIATE ME?
WHAT FKN FOR? FOR A CHANCE AT LOVE?
HOW FKN RIDICULOUS.

LIKE GOING ON THE SHOW: THE BACHELOR.... 
BEING THE ONLY GIRL AT THE TABLE WITHOUT A ROSE.
LIKE MY COLLEGE GRAD PARTY....
SO FKN WHAT??? WHY DOES THAT MATTER? IT DOESN'T. 

YOU SEE HOW I WAS FOCUSED ON SH*T THAT DIDN'T MATTER?
AND HOW I WAS OBLIVIOUS TO WHAT ACTUALLY DID MATTER?
AND STILL MATTERS SO MUCH TO ME TODAY?
CAN YOU SEE THAT? I COULDN'T!!! 
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I COULDN'T.
AND GETTING SO ANGRY WITH MYSELF ABOUT IT
IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE ANY OF IT....

IT'S JUST A JAB IN THE GUT....
THAT NOW THAT I SEE IT, IT'S PRETTY MUCH TOO LATE
TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.... 
ALL BECAUSE I HANDLED STUFF THE WRONG WAY.... 
ALL BECAUSE I COULDN'T SEE HOW IT MIGHT HAVE PLAYED OUT
BEFORE I DID WHAT I DID....
HOW I DID IT....

EVEN THOUGH I HAD GOOD INTENTIONS....
THAT OBVIOUSLY WASN'T ENOUGH. 

BUT ANYWAY... I have to just get this stuff out....
I held it in for so long. And this is the only place I can say this stuff.
Unless my posts get removed.... 
One already did. I don't know which one. 
Maybe because of the swearing. 
And maybe I should clean it up.....
I think people get the gist of it though.... 

This is what I've been struggling with on top of the things I'm struggling with. 
And I have to tell myself that I am on this path for a reason. 
To be there for those I meet along the way.... 
Even though I wasn't there for my own son. My only child. 
He was the one who needed me the most
and I've needed him. 
AND I WISH I COULD HUG HIM ONE MORE TIME
AND TELL HIM I LOVE HIM. 

AND TELL HIM I'M SO SORRY
THAT I COULDN'T SEE WHAT HE NEEDED....
FROM ME. AND HOW ASHAMED I AM....

BUT THE GUILT AND SHAME WON'T MAKE UP FOR IT.
IT CAN'T AND IT WON'T.

IT WAS A HUGE PRICE TO PAY.
FOR WHAT?!?! FOR PAIN AND HEARTBREAK?!?!

THE GOOD TIMES WE HAD MELTED MY HEART.
I LOVE HIM SO MUCH.
EVEN IF HE WILL NEVER KNOW.... 
EVEN IF HE DOESN'T CARE ANYMORE....
EVEN IF HE'S SO FED UP WITH ME
THAT I DO NOT EXIST TO HIM ANYMORE.... 

I had to get that out and it is okay to cry.
Crying does not change anything. It doesn't. 
but it's okay to feel even when the pain just crushes my heart.

And there are days I am ot doing so well...
Like today....
When I think about saying goodbye to people.....
When I purposely put off getting my prescriptions refilled....

When I pour my hear out on this post and may others
for strangers to read.... And judge me... 
How badly I messed up my own life... 
And one of the reasons I'm writing about it
is because I don't want others to mess up as badly as I have.... 

I DO NOT WISH THIS ON ANYONE.... I DO NOT.
I DO NOT WANT THEM TO LOOK BACK ON THEIR LIVES
AND WONDER HOW MUCH BETTER IT COULD HAVE BEEN
HAD THEY SEEN THINGS FOR WHAT THEY WERE...
ALL BECAUSE THEY COULDN'T SEE THE VALUE THEY HAD.... 
ALL BECAUSE THEY ASSUMED, JUDGED, WERE OBLIVIOUS, 
UNAWARE, STUPIDLY SELFISH ETC.... 
ALL BECAUSE THEY FOCUSED ON THINGS THAT NEVER MATTERED. 
AS THOUGH THEY DID.... 
THEY DON'T!!!!! THEY DON'T!!!!! THEY DON'T!!!!!
THEY REALLY DON'T!!!!! 

I WISH I REALIZED A LONG TIME AGO. WHAT REALLY MATTERED.
A REALLY LONG TIME AGO. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TOOK ME SO LONG. 

It was time to wake up a long time ago... Why did it take so long?
I FEEL SO MUCH SHAME.
LIKE I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO EXPRESS IT....
I HOPE SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS ALL THIS.

Why it is so hard to forgive myself..... 
Why I struggle so much....
Why I think about saying goodbye to people. 
My list is pretty small...
Of people I actually exist to. In my life.
It might hurt them that I leave. Like that...
Like it hurt me that my father did. 
But I forgave him because I know now. 
Being rejected by a child, your child....
Is a pain that I can't even.... 
It is hard to live with. I get it now. 
I'm older now than my father was when he died.... 
When my friend died, too. They were the same age....
And when I was that age.... 
The thought about joining them.... 
Just was so present. Every day. 

It's just irreversible. 
I don't get to change my mind about it. 
They didn't. It's permanent. 
So I don't either. 

And dying isn't something I actually want to do...
I just don't want this shame, pain, guilt, all of this stuff... 
It is so heavy to carry this in my heart.... 
And I'm really struggling with this. 
And I don't know how to talk about it.
So I wite about it.... 

And I have to find a way to let this go.
Someone told me that I'm killing myself this way.... 
I just can't shut off my feelings
because when I do, and then it catches up to me, it's like a tidal wave....
and I drown in it.... I drown mysef. 
Because my feelings get so strong and ovepowering. Intense. 
And I have a hard time with it. I really do. 
It gets hard to breathe sometimes... 

I just.... I don't even know how to put these things into words.... 
I really wish I could word it perfectly. 
So that people will understand.... One day. 
I sometimes think that people might read this when I'm dead.... 
And they'll realize how they never really knew me. 
That I actually had things to say. 
That maybe had they listened.... When they had a chance.... 
That they could see this whole other side of me. 
That they'd know what I was about.... How I felt, 
what I struggled with, why.... To see me as a person.... 
To see what kind of person I am.... 

The people who have been reading my stuff for a long time....
I don't know if they can see me growing.... 
Sometimes growth can be painful. 
Really, really painful.... 
When we realize things.... 
That we couldn't see before or whatever reasons.... 

And when we realize things and realize the reasons.... 
We see how we blocked ourselves from those realizations
without even realizing it. 

And it's hard because I have a couple choices. 
Prepare.... Start giving everyting away. 
Just start paring down. Everything. 
Try to make my peace, say goodbye, or just go....
I think people would rather have a goodbye, a proper goodbye, 
maybe even a letter... Something to keep from me...
Something personal. The ones who've been there for me.... 

OR I have to really work hard at pulling myself out of this. 
Keep writing, keep trying to make some difference on this planet. 
Even though I failed at so much, already. 
Do I give up? Do I keep going?
Do I try to save lives?
Do I try to make a difference?
Do I try to rebuild myself?
Despite everything I've gone through?

I need a break from it.
I just.... I don't know. 
How the rest of my life is going to go.