Feeling Foolish

Some things are hard to explain.... 
But when I look back on some stuff.... 
I'm like "A***, WTF?!"
"What were you thinking?!"
"What were you doing?!"
"Why were you thinking that?!
Why were you doing that?!"

And then when I come up with an answer.... 
I get mad at myself because things weren't so hard to explain... 
I didn't know wtf I was doing, or thinking... 
I just didn't know what to do 
and my thinking was f*cked up because of my emotions. 

That's the sense I can make out of it right now... 
Because it just doesn't make much sense
and I just feel FOOLISH AF.... 
AND I GET MAD AT MYSELF
FOR NOT KNOWING BETTER, AT THE TIME... 

IT'S HARD TO EXPLAIN TO PEOPLE.... 
IT'S TOO MESSED UP TO EXPLAIN TO PEOPLE....
WHO WOULD UNDERSTAND?
I MADE A MESS OF MY LIFE.... 
AND MY SON THINKS NOBODY CARES ABOUT HIM.... 
I can see why he thinks that.... 
My family was never there for him... 
Not like they were ever there for me.... 
And somehow I thought that as he got older, 
he'd understand that we can't have our family
the way we wanted them to be.... 
And that it matters that WE still care.... 
He just sees them not caring and thinks "Why should I? They don't..."

My Grandmother was the closest one to me.... 
She loved me, that I know.... 
She loved my son, too, that I know.... 
If not for her, would anyone have loved me?
And the times I thought I was in love, was I?
When it takes something so simple to break it?
Out of whatever spell I was under?
When I fall so easily for charm?
Because I mistake it for them being 'real' with me?
When they only tell me what they think I want to hear....
When it's not even for real and it's not even true.... 

And I've had my heart broken so many times. 
Broke a few hearts along the way, too. 
Every heart I broke, I paid for it and still paying for it.... 
Will likely pay for it for the rest of my life.... 

Is there a point to all of this? Is it to make me stronger?
In some way? To change me?
Into something I wish I had been a long time ago?

And if I had been better so long ago, would I be where I'm at?
Would I have had to go through all the things I've been through?
Would I be going through all the things I'm going through?
And is everyone going to just leave me?
To just suffer alone?

And I left people who I didn't want to leave
and I don't know why I did....
I was not happy, but was it all their fault that I wasn't happy?
Or was it because I've been so sad for so long
that I don't remember what it's been like to be happy anymore?

Someone told me today that I'm killing myself to be
suffering as I am.... That I have to get out.... 
He's been trying to take me bowling.... 
And basically he wants me to live like
my life's not been falling apart..... 
Like I'm okay and everything's okay, 
but I'm not and it's not and I am suffering.... 
And this DBT stuff is just.... Stuff.... 
Like going through the motions..... 
Like I'm doing with everything else in life... 

Except when I'm on the motorcycle with K**.... 
Because it feels great.... 

Except when I'm forcing myself to go outside, go for a walk. 
To the gas station to talk to that clerk.... For a little while.... 
Just something to break up the days.... 

And that's what I had to do to cope with the situation I was in.... 
That I pulled myself out of
because it was never going to go anywhere with M***. 
And I don't know why I stayed as long as I did. 
He had the balls to call me, that one time.... 
After all that mess.... 
And I should have left it as an apology and that's that. 
Because he still didn't want to put the effort in.... 
And it was like I was just a big joke to him and everyone.... 

And there are days I still just want to just die.... 
Because it's disgusting how I let them treat me.... 
And disgusting that I stayed for more of that sh*t
and that I even considered giving him a second chance.... 
After all that f*cking nonsense... Bullsh*t.... Why?
Because I was "in love" with the guy?

Disgusting that I could be so stupid.....
Disgusting that I couldn't handle my son in a better way.... 
Disgusting that I just can't seem to command respect.... 
That I've let it all come to this.... 
And there are times I just want to give up
because I can't see it getting any better than this.... 

I have a couple new friends now. 
K**'s kept in touch with me
and it's like a slumber party when she visits. 
Like a girl's night in.... 
V's been good, too.... 
It's just different with V, though. 
I can't really explain it.... 

She has some of the same issues that I have. 
We are close in age, 2 weeks apart... 
It's different hanging around with girls than with guys. 

Been trying to break up the tarot readings with short films. 
I think I've had enough of the tarot for a while. 
It just gets me thinking about M***, and he's not thinking of me.... 
That's why he and I aren't talking anymore... 
He never had to treat me the way he did..... 
If anyone in my life had an ounce of respect for me....
They wouldn't have treated me the way they did.... 

And it really p*sses me off.... 
Because of mental f*cking illness I have to be treated like that?
Like "let's all f*ck with crazy A*** and laugh about it...."
Makes me wonder who I can actually trust.... 
And what the hidden agenda is.... 
When all I want to do is actually "connect."
And then my fears come up.... 
Like the guys I like can do so much better than me
and they will and they'll stop talking to me.... 
And I'll just be the crazy girl who needed serious help.... 

And I think only a few people can really see me.... 
Can really see who I am.... 
Only a very few.... Even then.... Can they?

People who read this stuff, know me a lot better
than most people in my life.... 
To most people, especially my family, I barely exist.
Only when they want something or need something from me.
That's when I hear from people. It p*sses me off.
Not everyone, but it would be nice to hear from someone
just to check in with me... Spend some time.
My friend C**** is good about that. 
He calls me up and invites me over to watch tv with me....
I told him everything, he knows.... 
He knows about this blog, too. 
I asked him to reveal it if something happens to me....
Then maybe people who were "part of my life"
can see me for who I am.... 

It was odd a few hours ago....
I'd been contemplating suicide, yet again.... 

A friend called me up to tell me she's got a new bf....
She just broke it off with a guy.... Like 2 weeks ago....
She's going through a divorce....
I think she just wants to feel loved.... I get it.
I've felt like that, too. 
But mostly been angry.... 
Someone told me I should go date....
I told him I just wanted to puke.....
But I kinda just want to die and just be done with this....
Seems like around every corner of my life is a slap in the face....
It's starting to p*ss me off.... 
Like can't I ever just have something?
Something I wanted?

But do I deserve it?
I've been selfish in the past....
I've been stupid... 

My life's just been a sh*tshow because I have been a sh*tshow of a person.....
But I quit drinking and I'm not smoking crack
or shooting heroin.... So.... I guess there's that?
Not even smoking cigarettes....

Speaking of cigarettes..... 
There was a video I watched where a guy was at a bar
that was getting robbed and he stood his ground, 
just BALLS.... He just sat there unfazed, 
the gunman tried to take his phone and tried to rob him... 
It was a great video, I'll add it here when I find it again.... 

One of the comments was the best I'd read.....
"When he's smoking a cigarette, his cigarette needs a cigarette...."
There were several good comments... But I really liked that one.... 

The short films are great.... It helps me get out of my head a bit. 
Maybe after another year I'll be somewhat okay.....
But I think I'm done. I tried. 
I wanted to try to work things out
but there's no working sh*t out
with someone who can't see their role in it.
Just wants to act like nothing even happened.... 
Like just sweep it under the rug.... 
F*CK that mess.... And then nothing changes.... 
Just sweep more sh*t under the rug... 
More and more and more and more.... 
Until it's a mountain you can't ignore.... 
A mountain wearing the rug that it's supposed to be hiding under.... FFS.
And he'd be like "What mountain? I don't see any mountain...."

Anyway, I'm just tired of sweeping it under a rug.... 
And acting like sh*t's okay when it's not. 
And I thought I could just get over it and try again, 
but I'm not. It really f*cking hurt
and just really disappointed and ANGRY
because he chose to treat me like that.... 
Or else he'd have treated me better, right?

But in the end, I was nothing to him... 
So why did I try again? For what?
Because he "might have" changed?
"Might have" seen something in me
that he refused to see?
"Might have" changed his mind about me?
"Might have" decided to stop being a d*ck to me?
And grow up a little bit?

But no, I was just a booty call, it seems.... 
And I thought it was more or could be more
so that's on me for thinking that.... 
"You're nothing if not disgustingly optimistic...."

I'm just tired and jaded now....
But I was partially jaded a long time ago... 
I just had hope for some reason that I could find what I was looking for
and maybe I'd be close to what someone else was looking for... 
And we'd just get together and be happy together... 
And that would be great for the both of us, 
but it just hasn't happened, yet.... 

He wasn't always like this with me, though. 
He used to be sweet to me, respectful... 
He used to open the door for me.... 
I used to think of him as a gentleman....

And I should be okay with the fact that it never went anywhere....
But I never saw that side of him before. 
Maybe it was a protective stance.... Could have been.... 

I should have been okay 
with the fact that the guy I liked didn't like me back.... 
And it was like high school all over again
except this time he knew, because I told him. 
And I shouldn't have.... 
But he'd sent me songs and acted like he liked me
flirted with me, showed an interest in me, 
but I was just a girl he was getting attention from
until he didn't like the attention I was giving him
because I was like wtf? I couldn't call him or see him... 

He led me on, strung me along, breadcrumbed me.... 
Just... Whatever. I'm tired. Really tired... 

I've had other guys interested, but it's not how it was
with M*** at first and to me, it was special... 
Because I had these deep feelings for him
and he's said and done enough to permanently shut me down....
Been silent on me for the past couple weeks... 
Because I called him a d*ck and told him to go f*ck himself
because it seemed like he was playing games with me again... 

And conflicts we had could have been handled in a better way.... 
They just weren't... It got cold and disgusting...
It got me resentful and angry, and upset... 
And I had a hard time getting past that... 
Like I can forgive, but it's too hard to forget.... 
How he was when things didn't go his way, 
but I wasn't exactly mature when things didn't go my way.... 
BUT HOW DARE HE LEAD ME ON LIKE THAT!!!
KNOWING HOW I FELT ABOUT HIM....

THAT IS WHAT HURT THE MOST....
AND IT P*SSED ME OFF BECAUSE IT HURT
AND HE KNEW THAT IT WOULD, AND DID....
HE DID APOLOGIZE FOR HURTING ME...
AND IT WAS NICE TO HEAR, 
BUT THE PAIN DIDN'T COMPLETELY GO AWAY
BECAUSE HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING THE WHOLE TIME....

Anyway.... Managed to run into my friend M**** at the park today....
He was taking his bow out of his car, I noticed it first....
Didn't know it was him at the time.... 

He saw me walking behind his target and didn't know it was me.... 
Didn't see it was his target until I got up close.... 
He was thinking it was me, but wasn't sure... 
Looking at what I was wearing... I have a habit of wearing a lot of blue... 
So it was just funny that it happened to be him... 
And he let me shoot all his arrows. 
Luckily, my first shot was a perfect bullseye... 
I haven't done archery since I was a kid... 
A teen, it was my favorite thing at camp... 
Then he said that he used to teach it at a camp. 
He's older than me by 7 years, I think... At least. 
We met at a bar. Been friends for like 10 years or close to it. 
At least 8 years... Easily. 

Anyway, so that was my day... Then went on the chat site to chat.

I miss human interaction, but at the same time, 
there are only very few people I can feel okay with... 
And been trying to feel okay by myself... 
More and more because I need to at this point. 
Because most people leave my life for some reason. 
Whether they are mad at me... Or I f*cked up somehow....
Whether they want to see how they f*cked up, or not.... 
It's always how I f*cked up, not them... 
It's always me feeling bad about how I reacted. 
About my mistakes...