It Keeps Coming Up...

So the topic of s*x keeps coming up in conversations online. 
Mostly brought up by men. 
And I just would rather not talk about it anymore. 
And I don't miss it. I don't really think about it
and when I do, I just.... Don't have any interest in it. 

Mostly because of what I just went through.... 
The last "lover" I had, had other "lovers"
that I didn't know about... 
I had to find out the hard way
and it was really painful.... So fkn painful....  
Brought up a lot of insecurities.... 
To the surface.... 

And it just keeps coming up lately.... 
More so than before. Idk why..... 
Like it is a natural thing, it just isn't a part of who I am anymore.... 
Like I can drop it and be okay. 
I'm not desperate for it or want it or whatever. 
I did, I used to. I just don't anymore. 

It's funny in a way, I guess... 
What attracted me to C***** was those memes he posted
and then our first convo was pretty charged.... 
And it was nice and felt good with him. 
But it was more than that with him
because we talked about other things
and he opened my mind more than most. 
And I don't know if he still reads this stuff anymore.... 
We haven't talked in a long time. 
I told him how I fkd up.... 
And I felt so much like a failure that I couldn't relate to him. 
It's hard to explain and my shame stopped me 
from trying to contact him.... 

Anyway, it seems like it keeps coming up
and I'm just tired of it. 

I'm pretty sure that it'll be a deal breaker....
Not being interested in s*x anymore... 
I got turned off pretty hardcore and just....
Don't feel anything there anymore.... 
Hardcore anxiety and just.... 
I feel like if guys are interested in me, 
it's mostly to do with s*x and I'm not having that. 

Been single for like 5 years....
And I'm okay with that. 
A couple years ago, I wanted to date someone
who I had a crush on for a long time
and we all know how that went.... 

I'm just sad about the whole thing.... 
It's not what I wanted.... 
Not what I had hoped for.... 
I was into him for the right reasons.....
And that seems like a era ago. 
I'm moving on, emotionally. As hard as that was....
Finally.... New direction.... 

I just wish he'd gtfo of my head....
Out of my energy, out of my dreams.... 
Out of my subconscious....
I want to break that soul tie
because I'm just tired of this crap. 

And I'd rather learn and grow and stuff.
While I can.... 

Because it is an opportunity for me to grow some.

Sometimes I wish I had the key to someone's heart....
And they had the key to mine....
And that we were just happy together, growing together...

And then I sometimes feel okay with being alone
so I don't feel any more pain of rejection
or whatever.... Just no more competition....
No more games, bullsh*t, drama.... Nothing.
Solid communication, investment 
Stability.... Don't know how stable I actually am, though....
Mentally and emotionally I am pretty fkd up....
And that is hard to deal with
on top of not getting laid, I mean for them.
It's hard to deal with for me, 
not getting laid isn't. 
I've been pretty repulsed, actually....

I was explaining to a guy tonight
that I'm celibate. 
He said "I bet you're pretty tight and wet"
Or something like this. 
I was like "excuse me?"
Wtaf?! idk... 
These types of things are repulsive.

Like someone said to me:
"I would have c*m in your face all night long...."
Because I was leaving and he was expecting to have s*x with me
or at least oral s*x.... And he turned me off. 
By telling me that he still sleeps with his ex....
And said he'd sleep with me, too.
Didn't care if she found out....
Like what does he expect?
"Yeah, baby.... That's so hot? Let's do it all night long?"
GIVE ME A FKN BREAK!!!!!

And people wonder why I am so turned off?
So repulsed? So uninterested?

Like I just.... If I was a dude....
I wouldn't be able to get it up anymore....

AND HE WAS A GUY I GENUINELY WANTED TO DATE....
APPARENTLY I HAVE HAD TO RECONSIDER THAT....
AND HAVE HAD A CHANGE OF HEART....

AND I HAVE A FEELING THAT HE WILL TRY AGAIN....
AND I WILL HAVE MOVED TF ON....
AND HE WILL HAVE MISSED OUT ON HIS CHANCE WITH ME....
SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T WANT HIM FOR HIS MONEY...
SOMEONE WHO WOULD HAVE BEEN FAIR WITH HIM
IF HE HAD BEEN FAIR WITH ME....

He can go hit up the hoes for his booty calls. LOLZ.
I don't want none of that. I'm good. BYE.

I don't want anything now. I used to, but I am so tired. 
Just sooooo tired. Of getting hurt, getting all this CRAP.

A friend said that I'm really strong....
That after coming out of this I will be so resilient....
There is no coming out of this. This is my life, my reality. 
Crying won't change it, trying won't. 
Dying would only be the permanent thing....
A tempting way out. Let's just put it that way.... 

A guy I talked to for a bit... He kept asking me for nudes. 
I told him that it would probably be one of the last things I'd do. 
Like "here, I'm going to be dead soon, enjoy."

I remember when I was dating a guy.....
He never read my blog when we were dating. 
When we broke up, he read it like every day....
And he was saying how it's like night and day....
How I am in person or online
and how I am when I write.....

I tried to engage with him on a forum he likes. 
He didn't know it was me. 
I eventually told him, but he never replied or kept the thread going. 
Maybe had I not told him, he might have like my "persona"
better than he liked me. Idk. Don't really care now. 

He wanted to get back together after he punched me in the head. 
He is lucky I brought him back his stuff he left here.... 
I didn't have to, and I could have called the cops
because he assaulted me. I didn't. 
I wasn't thinking that. I just wanted to get away from him. 
And I wanted to go home. 
But I should have gone to the hospital....
And I wasn't thinking that, either. 

After that, it took me 3 years to open up emotionally. 
And I thought it was safe to open up to M***, but it wasn't. 
That was a sh*tshow and a half. 
Now I know better and Idk why it took me so long
to just close that out.... 
He closed it out for me a few times
and he kept coming back....
Like nothing had happened
and nothing had changed....

And it got to the point where it was downright insulting. 
HE is not the one who got away. I am. 
But he let me because he did not want me. 
He could not make up his mind.... About me. 
Doesn't know wtf he actually wants....
Hella immature.... And I have things to do.
Better things to wait around for him. 

I am not desperate. By a long shot. 
I know I used to tell C***** that I wish I had someone....
And I actually wish I had him in my life, 
but truth be told, I know he can do so much better. 
I had a dream once that he met a beautiful woman
who was perfect for him. 
And that he was soooo happy. 
I was a tad jealous, but I was happy that he was happy. 

I have a hard time believing that anyone could or would be happy with me....
I'm so emotionally fkd up. 
I'm so guarded with my heart now. 
Now more than ever. 
I feel like I'd ruin someone's life somehow. 
Not intentionally, mind you. 

I'd want someone to be 1000% sure about me....
Not be wishy washy, inconsistent, flighty.... 
Moody I could handle, as I can be, too. 
So someone better have the patience for me at my worst....

But anyway, I just need to be doing my stuff for a while. 
Take a break... Be SURE any subconscious crap is GONE
so that I can completely move on. 
I really thought I was and have no reason not to be. 
I wanted to think things would be different, but they aren't. 
I wanted to think we'd work things out... But no.
I can't pretend like nothing happened. 

He wanted to believe I lied to him about my friend. 
And I couldn't hold back my words and emotions....
But now I really have nothing more to say... 
And I don't feel the same way.
I am not the same person. 
I feel like everything gets taken away from me. 

Been feeling really beat up by "love"
really disappointed.... Sad. 
Very tired.... Injured. 

*Exit Stage Left*

I'd be good with a companion.... 
A good companion.... 

Someone who makes the effort. 
SHOWS me....
I want emotional fulfillment. 
And I want to achieve it on my own. 
I do not need a lover. A friend, yes.
A GOOD friend.... Above all...
Who communicates!!! Well.....
Frequently....

Knows what they want....