Just Tired

So anyway, had to get it out of my system, I guess.... 

For therapy, I'm to do some work on emotions.... 
The skills might have come in handy during that fight. 
So that it didn't go as far as it did. 
We might have still been on talking terms, 
but now I know what he really thinks of me
and it isn't really worth revisiting at this point.... 

I guess he was "trying." At times, and he didn't have to, but he was. 
Whatever his intentions were... 
But anyway... 
It's not that nothing was good enough for me... Like he thought.
It was that the same things kept coming up over and over again.
"Pick and choose your battles with me"
Because I'll make sure I have "the upper hand"....
It's not about winning. 
It was supposed to be trying to balance it out
so that we both come out on top.
Not so that we could have control, our way, 
dominate the other... It was supposed to be about compromise.
I was still having some issues with the communication. 
Which is pretty important to me. 

Anyway, if you have been following the blog... 
You'll know a lot of it already....
And I really don't need to be on this anymore.... 

I should have listened to him when he told me
that it wasn't a good idea, back when I was 15.... 
That probably would have saved
a lot of time, effort, grief, frustration etc. 
For both of us.... 

So.... Onto the next thing.... 
Emotions.... 

There's a huge package that came with the DBT stuff.... 
So let's talk about that and some other stuff for a while. 

I was getting good at putting that stuff behind me...
But every time I look back, these feelings come up
that I don't even want or understand... 
And I wish they would go tf away....
And stop weighing me down... 

One of my friends said I want to see the good in people, 
and I want to work things out. 
Which I do, but just because I want to see the good in people
does not mean they see the good in me
and just because I want to work things out, 
doesn't mean that I can. 
It takes two, both. Not just me trying to bend over backward.
To see someone else's POV
when they can't or won't see it...
We all see things differently....  To start with... 
So it can be hard to see it from each other's POV.

It's that when we really think about it... 
It's really not so hard.... 
Especially when we REALLY listen to each other... 
And REALLY care enough not to try to hurt each other... 
WHICH IS IMPORTANT.

Fighting seems to be about attacking and defense. 
And sometimes the defense can seem like an attack....
Sometimes it actually is...

Especially when someone tries to use it to make someone feel bad.
Or guilty or wrong about something. 
That they aren't even doing... 

That's a form of manipulation... 
When something gets twisted and put on someone else.

And it's hard to be open hearted with someone who is being mean. 
Or being harsh or being aggressive to the point of verbal abuse. 
Being hard to handle, purposely. 

Having an open heart and mind helps people communicate better. 
But not everyone has the capacity to do it. 
Or the willingness to do it. 

Anyway, just been really tired lately.... 
Tired of a lot of things.
Just really tired....