I Wonder Why

I often wonder why I give people so many chances.... 
M*** had ghosted for a year...
And then he came back... We tried to have a new beginning... 

And the other day, he told me that I had to pick and choose my battles with him. 
Basically that I have to walk on eggshells with him. 
And that I was "throwing sh*t" in his face... 
Because he didn't want to talk about the conflicts we had. 
He didn't want to face his mistakes
and he was the one who brought up some things. 
He said that I hurt him by calling him a "liar, a cheater, a player."

So I was trying to address that with him. 

I feel he did lie to me because he had told me it was over with his "ex"
but it wasn't. They were still living together and sleeping together. 
He did tell me that they were still sleeping together...
AFTER we'd been making out all night, 
and when we were in bed together. 

I pointed that out and he said:
"Would you have liked me to tell after we slept together?
Or not at all?"

Like "That was sh*tty of me... I should have told you sooner...."

But he was saying: "You push me into fight or flight... 
I get overwhelmed when you throw sh*t in my face...."
So I provoked a fight by telling him to tell me how I hurt him....
And why I said the things I said. 

And apparently I shook HIS trust when 2 people supposedly told him
that I was "involved" with my friend
just because they saw us together.... Hanging out as friends.
Nobody saw me kiss him or anything because I never have...
(Supposedly what people who don't know me say about me is true... ) 
And assumed we were seeing each other and they told him I was
when they don't even know me and never asked me.... 

I never called him a cheater and he didn't cheat on me
because we weren't together, only "seeing" each other. 

And anyway, he goes into fight or flight mode
because I was explaining why I said what I said.... 
And he starts verbally abusing me, insulting me, raging at me.... 
AND then he blames me for his outburst
saying that I don't listen to him
and that I didn't try to prevent him from flipping out on me
by not "throwing it in his face"
People face things. Facts.
I don't intentionally throw things in people's faces
but I like to think that if something comes up...
It can be discussed without it turning into a fight...
and apparently it's all about MY feelings, not his.... 
Only because I express my feelings, he doesn't. 
The only emotions he expresses are negative towards me
and he does it in hurtful ways.

Basically, I think he just wanted to have a big blow out
so that he had a reason to end it. 
And it should have ended a long time ago. 
If it had, I'd be further along in my healing
instead of having to start over...
But a big part of me wanted to try to make things right between us
because I didn't want to end it that way. 
And just leave it like that. 
I had hope that we could fix things, 
but not when he just blows up at me. Constantly, and blames me for it.

And he was being all like I was obsessed with him
And that he rejected me, etc etc... To feed his ego.

I'm the one who kept giving him chances. 
That HE kept wasting... 
And he kept trying to make me feel bad
like I was the one wasting chances... 
Maybe we both were wasting chances... 

But he had a negative view of me. 
Probably after someone told him I was seeing my friend. 
Even though he was still sleeping with his ex
and whoever else.

I wanted a new start with him, to settle some sh*t. 
But his fragile ego got in the way, his ex got in the way
and family and friends got in the way.... 
And I got in my own way. He got in his own way.

And crying how I wasn't being nice to him
when he called ME names, pushed me away, yet again. 
Like HE is the victim of his own bullsh*t.

And this should have made it EASY to finally walk away. 
Like ALL the sh*tty things he said to me and did to me
should have made it EASY, yet I still tried to have compassion for the guy... 
And I tried to let sh*t go. Wanted to move forward... 
Just for him to say more sh*t to me... 
And because I "hurt" him by calling him out... 
He got angry.  

It went from good, to bad, to worse and worse. 
Like he couldn't humble himself to have a conversation. 
And it seemed he was f*cking with me the whole time.... 
Making it seem like I was the one playing games.... 
Like if I had wanted a real connection with him, 
I would have tolerated and taken the blame for him freaking out on me.
And tried to make it right with him
when I he GOT upset.
Upsetting someone and getting upset are two different things. 

I brought up some things that weren't resolved. 
He can throw everything he wants at me and I'm supposed to take it. 
And then powder his @ss when he literally sh*ts on me... 
And be nice to him because HE'S going through a lot.... 

And he apologized to me about some things, 
but then when he freaks out on me, it makes it harder and harder
to accept his apologies.
And he said he gave me more apologies than I even deserved....

"It's up to you to accept them, or not." I had, mostly. 
but that doesn't give him the right to rage at me when he gets upset. 
And it's not like I tried to overwhelm him.... 
I just said that he told me it was over with his "ex"
when it was clear that it wasn't..... That's all. 

Then he got defensive and it went downhill from there. 
Maybe he should have been upfront about his ex....
Would have prevented me from thinking it was over
when it wasn't.  

"I'm always going to have a relationship with her because we have kids."
I get that, but when you say it is over romantically, then either it is or isn't. 

And she found out about me and was p*ssed. 
Then he "couldn't" see me and we weren't talking... 
So it wasn't over.... Like he had told me.
That's all I had said about it.

Anyway, he was saying that he doesn't argue as often or get as upset
with ANYONE than he does with me... I can say the same there. 
I told him I didn't want to argue about anything
but he felt like I was putting him on the defensive so he verbally attacked me. 
Like always. Like things are going to get resolved that way. 
It's like "backoff or f*ck off." I can get that mentality, 
but he can say: "I'm feeling overwhelmed, for the sake of our friendship, 
can we continue this discussion another time?"

And all I said was that he told me it was over with her
and it wasn't because they were still sleeping together.... 

Like if I told you, all the things that he said to me.... 
A lot of it, I have already posted about last year....
And it is impossible for me to get through to him in any way... 
And it's about ME being crazy.... 
And we did have some erratic communication
because I was worried about him.... 
And wanted to talk to him... 
And I did get OCD about communicating
which he found annoying... 
Which is why we weren't talking apparently....

He wasn't ever concerned about me, 
didn't want to talk to me
because I felt a type of way about being treated badly. Repeatedly. 
And he just thinks he has a right to treat me like sh*t
because HE'S upset.
And that I'm not going to be upset about being treated like sh*t. 
And I should just let it go because he said "sorry."

Why? Because we could have addressed some things a long time ago?
But he just expects me to put sh*t in the past and move on.... 
And then because I don't want to take the verbal and emotional abuse from him
I'm crazy and F* me for coming into his life.... 

Wtf did I do? Other than tried to address some sh*t that he's incapable of addressing?
Having a rational conversation without attacking me?

But I didn't support him and teach him in the right way
or communicate with him the right way... 
Or come into his life in the right way... 
Or at the right time.
I probably should have left the past in the past
and not tried to find him.... 

But why should I blame myself for him blasting me? Constantly?
But it was MY fault for bringing things up from the past... ?
That apparently never got resolved?
And he started calling me a hypocrite
because he still believes that I hooked up with my friend... 
I never did... 

He told me I wasn't listening, I was, 
but I can't take responsibility for his lack of control over his emotions. 
And him blasting me, because that was a choice.
Like it is a choice not to make a choice about how to react...  
He can refuse to react that way and refuse to treat me that way... 
But he didn't. He chose to.... To lose his sh*t on me
and then made it MY fault that he has no control over his emotions
and him acting like a f*cking child... 
And when I react to that, I'm throwing a temper tantrum
when HE can't see what he's doing.... To ME.
But it's MY responsibility to walk on eggshells. For HIM....
I was ALWAYS there and he could have talked to me about anything.
Pretty much ANY time.... 

I just really wanted to protect my heart and it put me in protection mode
and it made me seem like a selfish b*tch to him. 
When he turned things on me and pushed me away. 
But had he not given me reasons to want to protect my heart, 
maybe we both would have seen our hearts and been closer. 
Been open hearted with each other... Like I wanted... 
But can't always get what I want when I want it. And wasn't about that.
If we worked towards that, it could have happened eventually.

My approach wasn't working for him
and his verbal and emotional abuse was not working for me. 
He used to be more caring and kind. 
And sweet at times and I miss who he used to be... 
He used to be respectful and considerate. 

Now he's just really egotistical and he's been a jerk, 
even though he still has a sensitive side he doesn't show often. 
But his sensitive side is more like his bruised ego.

But I'm a crazy, psycho b*tch apparently for standing up for myself
and refusing to be treated badly. 

And getting upset and frustrated isn't a right to treat someone badly. 
It's just not. And I lost my patience with him, many times. 
And no matter what is going on, doesn't mean he had to take it out on me. 

And maybe we both got the wrong idea about each other.... 
But there were things I really didn't appreciate. 
I was loyal to him, didn't betray him. 

But as he pointed his finger at me, 
I pointed mine at him for pointing it at me.

Because he couldn't see what he was doing... 
And it was all MY fault ALL the time... 
And he could do NO wrong. Ever. 
MY fault he goes into fight or flight.... 

Anyway, it's a lot to do with emotional regulation stuff. 

But I'll save that for another post.  

So that is where it ended and how. 
I "provoked" a fight with him. 
But he didn't... 
I wasn't being "nice" to him. 
But he wasn't...

When all I got were excuses and fake apologies. 
He's never actually been sorry. 
"I've given you more apologies than you even deserve."
I've given him more chances than he even deserves. 

If someone is sorry, it won't matter how many times they apologize....
They'll keep apologizing if they feel they need to. 

But hard to accept an apology for being treated badly
when he still kept treating me badly. 
And blaming me for treating me badly. 
What kind of an apology is that?

But I still feel homesick at home... 
Like I'm missing something in my life. 
Because he used to feel like home a long time ago. 
There was a time I really loved him. 
But just because you love someone, 
does not make them a person
that is or will be or would be good for you. 

I told him he wasn't a friend to me. 
"I couldn't be anything to you because you kept throwing sh*t in my face."
Because I brought up things and wanted to address them?
That requires you to face those things. 
Is it my fault that you don't want to or can't?
Is it my job to make people feel good? All the time?
Maybe being treated like sh*t didn't feel good for me....
Maybe he felt like sh*t because he felt like sh*t
and it wasn't because I brought something up. 

He is the one who told me: 
"You don't have to like it"
when he told me he was still sleeping with his ex.

Well he doesn't have to "like" me bringing it up.
The fact that he lied to me about it being over. 
And I didn't outright call him a liar. 
He just lied to me about that one thing. That I know of. 
At one point he said "this is why guys don't tell the truth to girls."
Is that supposed to make me want to trust him?

But no, I don't have to "like" the truth, but be honest anyway. 
The thing with him is that he is BRUTALLY honest
or he either hides it or denies it. 
Instead of setting things straight. Explaining something. 
Helping me out by giving me info. 
Some answers... 

"Are you surprised I'm reacting like this?
Maybe I'm losing my sh*t because you did something to cause it."

Anyway, yeah there's my side and his... 
Like all I ever do is "push him into a corner"
"Like wtf do you expect me to do? I'm tired of it."
Fine, be tired of of, but what you do is up to you. Not up to me.

When he's perceiving that I'm doing that to him. 
And when I'm on the defensive, he gets defensive, too. 
It just goes nowhere. 

And it was hard for me to just move on. 
He could have just been honest, explained some things.... 
Instead of blowing up at me. 
And acting like "you made me do this."
No, you are doing it. 
And if there are some things I needed to address, 
bring it up. Talk to me about it. 

I may not even be aware that you have an issue with something... 
So BRING IT UP. TELL ME.
But it's okay for him to "throw sh*t in MY face...." Of course.

But by the time they bring it up, they are beyond frustrated, 
they are ANGRY about it. 
And maybe there are reasons I'm frustrated, too. 
They can't expect to be frustrated with me
and that I'm not frustrated with them... 
For doing similar sh*t. 

But it's all about HOW I f*cked up, 
but not about HOW THEY f*cked up. 

But, I should have the sense to know:
"This might bother them."
But, maybe they should have the sense to know, too. 

But I can take the points HE made and look at MYSELF. 
Okay, I'll do that and re-evalute MY behavior. 
While he gets to behave the exact same way...
Sounds FAIR.

And if he wanted to address some sh*t with me, 
he could say: "A***, I need to talk with you
about x y, and z."

If I feel I might get too defensive, I might ask for some time. 
And maybe had we handled things that way... 

And it never had to blow up and keep blowing up. 
I don't appreciate being raged at. 
Nor should I just keep taking it. 

If he's got points to make, by all means, make them. 

But obviously, there are things I need to learn
when it comes to handling things better
and not to be impulsive when it comes to expressing myself
because there's a way to do it and a way not to. 

But at the same time, I have a hard time just sucking it up
like it never affected me, like I was never put through that....

Anyway, I need to let all this sh*t go and move on. 
He and I are not talking after the fight we had. 
We were not getting anywhere. 

We had a chance to try to make amends, we didn't. 
We had a chance to address things, we didn't. 
We had a chance to fix things, we didn't. 
We had a chance to turn sh*t around, we didn't.

It's not that I'm the victim. Or that he is. 
There are issues to discuss. That is all. 
We were clearly both upset. 
And there were reasons for that. 
If I'm feeling guarded and having mixed feelings, 
then I need to hang back, which is what I told him I needed to do. 

But he came back to talk when I wasn't ready. 
And he wasn't, either. 
Because he could have addressed sh*t with me
without raging at me about it. 
Without treating me like I caused him to rage.

Sure, I didn't act the most maturely with him, either. 
I re-read the fight we had. 
But I didn't start it. 

Anyway, why do I talk about this sh*t?
No, I wasn't a victim, I did sh*t wrong, too. 
He made his points. 
I can learn from this. Maybe he will, too. 
Maybe he won't. 
But either way, that's not up to me. 
I don't get to decide what he learns and doesn't. 
How or from who, or if he's even ready.

I don't get to choose how he sees me. 
Or how he looks at me, 
but it's not like I put my best foot forward 100% of the time. 
When I was upset, I dealt with it differently. 
Instead of blasting him. 

But I have to learn how to handle how I feel
and how I express myself, how I handle myself, etc. 

I do have a lot of growing and learning to do. 
Applying things I learn about myself, 
learning skills and how to use those skills, 
when and at what times, 
applying them to situations, etc. 

So no, it's not ALL about how HE handled it... 
I could have handled sh*t better, too. 
And maybe taken the lead at the times I could have. 
Instead of taking his... 
And hanging back. Like I needed to.

Instead of doing things that upset him, 
or get him to open up to talk
about the things that were bothering him. 

But there's one key thing to remember, not to force. 
With force, there comes resistance. 
With resistance comes resentment. 

It's that if someone can criticize me, 
and can't take any constructive criticism of their own... 
Then it's just a judgement fest. 
Like "open season" on A***.

Like, I may not like what I hear about myself... 
Yes, I have issues and flaws like every other imperfect person. 
Yes, I have things about myself to work on, too. 
It's not ALL his fault that sh*t wasn't working out. 
I wasn't the most mature about some things.... 
I could have let things lie. 
I could have put sh*t in the past, 
but when it is still affecting me, it's still affecting me, 
and I still have to sort out how I feel about it, 
then I still have to take the time to do that. 
And I wasn't doing that.

So I could have hung back, like I had planned on doing. 
To do what I needed to do. 
And work on some things that I need to work on. 

BUT he did make some points to take into consideration. 
So I can consider that, re-evaluate, 
make some adjustments, and improvements, etc. 
Become better as a result. 

Should have left things instead of pushed them more. 
Because I'm not always right.
Or in the right. Or have the right. 

But neither is everyone else.
Neither does everyone else.

Nobody is exempt or special in that regard.