Before Any Of This

I don't know why I kept revisiting things and hoping for a different outcome. 
Just because we hope for something doesn't make it a reality. It doesn't. 
So I don't know why. I just don't....
I feel stupid and foolish. I really do. 
Felt so stuck for so long, and sad...

Like getting what I wanted was the only thing 
that would have made me happy?
Just to be happy with the person I wanted to be happy with?
Who let me down a billion times
and made it my fault... 

Anyway, I don't have to get into it. 
And there were times that wanting what I wanted
did seem selfish, but it's not that it was all that hard... 

And he wanted more playfulness etc. 
I wanted that, too, but can't be consistently mean
and expect me to just be happy about that... 
And want to just "hey, let's play now."
And I haven't been in a playful mood for a long time. 

C***** brought that out in me. It was nice, felt nice. 
Then I was in a big slump that I couldn't get out of
and dealing with stuff that he was trying to help me with
but I'm not his problem and I've had to deal with sh*t on my own. 
And I had some prophetic dream where he found his dream girl
and was happy beyond belief. I want that for him. 

As for me even really wanting to date after all of this, 
I just don't even know. I have a lot to heal from. 
A lot of pain and a lot of stuff I've been struggling with....
A lot of damage etc... 
And I know I need to let go and move on for my own sanity. 
And I still keep going back and forth 
because when it's good, it's good, 
but when it's bad, it's bad. 
And I am exhausted, struggling and suffering, 
but I add to my own pain
by not having said "F*ck this!" like a year ago... 
When I could have and should have. 
And I thought I had. I was starting to feel better
and get back to myself. 
And I remembered stuff from the past.... 
Before any of this.... 
And the hope and all of that kept coming back, 
but it's at the point where I really can't see things going back....
Because things could have been good from the start
and then all of a sudden they weren't... 
But I still kept wanting it to get and be better... 
And it still wasn't going anywhere. 

And my head was so screwed up and my feelings were all over the place
when it should have been cut and dry. 
When I saw that it wasn't going to be like that, 
should have stepped off and went my own way. 
A LONG TIME AGO!!!! 
SHOULDN'T BE SO HARD!!!!
My friend said "He doesn't give a f* about you!"
"All he does is hurt you!"

I just never expected it from him, ever. 
And maybe that has added to the confusion... I don't know. 
Maybe there's just something actually wrong with me. 

Yes, I played a role, too. 
But I don't go out of my way to hurt people. 
I've learned from making those kinds of mistakes in the past. 
Where I was very selfish and insecure, etc. 
But still no excuse for doing what I did. 

Even when they hurt me. 
And I know he's been hurting, but no excuse to hurt me. 
Even when he was suspicious of me... 
Because he didn't know what my intentions were. 

But anyway, it's just been draining and tiring. 
Trying to get somewhere with someone
who insists on being difficult. 

And he had told me he had wanted things to be easy and simple. 
Which they could have been all along.... 
It wasn't just up to me. It was also up to him. 

I have other things to think about anyway... 
A lot of other things....
There are other things in life.
Other than any of that.... 
So I don't know why that took up a big chunk of my time, my mind. 
I don't know why I put so much effort into that... 
I really just don't. I don't understand it. 
Because I really wanted that?? Why?

I should be focusing on other things.... 
I don't know why I keep thinking about this. 
It's not like he's the last guy on the face of the earth.
So help us all if that were the case...