Bias and Prejudice

I've realized why I have been really frustrated lately... 
A lot of suppressed emotions that have been stuck and keeping me stuck
in my heart and in my head... 

Part of me is tired of being alone, 
but realizing that being alone is better than being with
someone who refuses to listen... 
Who does not show they care... 
Only rarely... And even then... 

JUST A LOT OF PAIN and I don't even know what it's for... 
To make me stronger? IDFK anymore. 

There are times I just want to write my goodbyes
and just mail them out to the few friends I've got... 
And just make some arrangements and be DONE.

THEN there are days where I am determined to keep fighting for it. 
Even when I'm not so sure things will ever change... 
OR get or be better than this.... Because I'm NOT sure
and I don't really want to sell myself lies.... 
Or be sold lies... 
DO THIS THERAPY, THINGS'LL GET BETTER....
WORK ON YOURSELF, THINGS'LL GET BETTER....

But what do I really have to lose at this point?
I've already lost a lot.... 
Just seems like I hit rock bottom A LOT.
To try to claw my way out of it.... 
To keep getting back there... 
Where I feel so emotionally drained that I WANT OUT.
I don't like being there, I really don't. 
It takes a while to get out of there. 
I know this so I know what it's like for others... 
Who go there and get stuck there for a while....
I know it's not impossible to get out of there. 
It takes a lot of WORK though. 
And when people don't want to put in the WORK
it just takes LONGER to get out of there. 

And there are people who push us into that pit of despair....
BUT WE DON'T HAVE TO STAY THERE....

M*** apologized to me.
He told me that when I told him how I felt about him, 
he didn't know why, it p*ssed him off and made him want to hurt me. 
So basically, he hurt me on purpose. 
He chose to. And "sorry" doesn't erase that. 

And it just bothers me that he chose someone over me
who cheated on him
and he's upset about everything he lost, 
but couldn't see what he could have had.... 

And I really got turned off from a lot of things. 
So it's not like I can just go back to how things were.... 
When my heart was completely open... 
And I wasn't the one he wanted... 
So there's that.... 

Anyway, it was nice to get an apology, 
even though it was loaded with excuses.... 

He thinks I was seeing someone else
when he was seeing someone else, 
and still hung up on someone else. 
And he thinks I had someone else the whole time... 
While I was just waiting for him, but WHY?! For what?! 
Things changed so much... 
He made his choices, though... 

I just need to HEAL and I can't just run to someone
and expect them to heal me and give me what I've been missing. 
Not anyone's job.... 

And not to someone who already HURT me. Deeply....
But it was me who put my heart on the line... 

Even to have a clean slate.... 
It would take a lot to start again. 
"Sorry" doesn't fix the broken plate.... 
Doesn't unbreak the plate.... 
He threw it on the floor.

It wasn't going anywhere so why should I think it will?
If we just put everything behind us... 
There's been a lot. 
And I hear people screaming at me:
"Don't do it!"

Let him think I'm with someone new. 
Let him think I've got someone... 
Let him think I'm invested somewhere else, in someone else. 
While I'm healing... 

"Sorry for EVERYTHING...." Like what?
TELL me what you are actually sorry for.... 
Don't sugar coat your sh*t. 

There were a bunch of things that were said.... 
That just... WTAF?!

And yes, I'd like to think that I deserve better than THAT.

And I don't like how it affected me. I don't. 
I don't like how a lot of things affected me... 
And I would want him to realize that and some other things
so that he doesn't keep doing that sh*t
and thinking there's nothing wrong with it.... 

AND WHY WOULD I EVEN BE CONSIDERING A CLEAN SLATE?
SO HE CAN SH*T ON THAT, TOO?
AND SH*T ON ME LIKE HE HAS SO MANY TIMES?

"You were kinder to me than I deserved." No sh*t. 
Can't say the same for him. Just can't. 
He was about doing whatever for whoever else. 
Captain save a hoe... 

If I was some damsel in distress, would I have had a better chance?
If I appealed to his need to be needed?
Without seeming too needy?

I don't get it with guys. I don't f*cking understand them. 
Apparently they don't understand me, either. 
BUT I'M F*CKING STUPID
IF I LET HIM BACK TO EMOTIONALLY ABUSE ME SOME MORE.... 
AND I KNOW THIS. 
SO WHAT IS MY F*CKING HANGUP?
ON GUYS IN GENERAL?
WHY DO I EVEN THINK ABOUT DATING?
OR ABOUT ANYTHING RELATED?
ABOUT SOME STUPID FEELINGS I HAD?

FOR SOMEONE WHO HAS FEELINGS FOR SOMEONE ELSE?

"I didn't, only when you were out of the picture...."
Only? Maybe you pushed me out
to get back with her, 
ONLY for her to cheat on you AGAIN...

But his karma isn't my business. 
I have my own karma... 
That I have to deal with for the rest of my life. 
Seems like I'm just living to live it....
To live this mess I created for myself... 

There was something I read about healing
and a part of it is realizing our own role
in our own suffering...

I mean, if we just keep ourselves suffering... 
We'll just continue to suffer... 

Like if I had a clean slate with him... 
Who's to say he'd even appreciate it?
He didn't before. 
Didn't know why I felt the way I did
so he got mad at me
and he wanted to hurt me.... 
When I wasn't in it to do anything to him... 

Said he wanted to protect himself... 
Was I ever a threat? What did I even do?
I was being a b*tch... 
Because I got p*ssed off at him for treating me badly.... 
Apparently any chick who is hard to "handle" is a b*tch. 
When she won't stand for emotional abuse.... 

Anyway, WHY am I still on this SH*T?

A friend of mine told me the other day....
"You know the right guy for you
would treat you the opposite of how he treated you."

And another friend told me the other day
that he admits that he is biased. My friends are. They side with me. 
Just like his friends side with him. 
So he can't see how HE was wrong. 
But I can see the role I played in it. 
In pushing him away for pushing me away. 
And yes, my feelings changed a lot. 
For a lot of reasons. 
But that only adds to me being a b*tch... 
Maybe there were reasons I was upset?

Like I don't care and never did....
Was I the only one who ever did?
More than likely... 

Anyway, I've gotta hit the road. For now.