A Lot Of Things...

It's been a really tough night. 
I really miss my son. 
I've been through this before, but it didn't end like this that time
and even though there was doubt that I'd see him again, 
I had to except that he chose not to have anything to do with me.

"If you love someone, set them free."
And that's been a really hard lesson for me.
I want to be with my son. 
I wanted to be with the guy I loved....
And I have to heal my heart on my own. 

If they loved me, would they have left me?
Would they have kept me struggling?

A friend called me tonight and she told me
not to give all my love away, that I need some for myself
otherwise I'll just be drained... 

I feel like all the stability or semblance of it.... Was taken from me, 
but those relationships weren't very stable....
And a lot of it was because I am not very stable. 
It's been an emotional rollercoaster....
Happy when I had them back in my life, 
but sad that they didn't really want to be in my life,
and sad that they are not in my life....
But at the same time, they have their own lives....
And I wanted to be a part of it, but I wasn't. 
But being frustrated that it wasn't coming together
the way I had wanted it to, isn't going to make it come together....

And it is easy to think I don't care, when I stop trying. 
But at the same time, when I try, they just ignore me... 
So it's been really hard....

And just because I try, doesn't mean I'll get the results I wanted... 
That is a hard lesson, too. 
Often, I get the opposite results that I wanted.... 
Often, I don't feel like I am going anywhere or getting anywhere. 
Often, I feel like what I wanted does not matter. 
If it weren't for my friends, I'd feel like I don't matter....

But, a higher part of me does feel like I matter
and that I can still redeem myself,
and I can still make some difference, somehow. 
But I wanted to make a difference for my son, 
and for the one I wanted to be with.... 

And everyone is different. 
We can't expect everyone to be like us. 
Sometimes we are too different....
Sometimes we are too alike... 
But mostly too different....

I've learned a lot of things... 
Impatience isn't going to make things move forward
in the way that I want them to.... 
Frustration isn't going to make things move forward
in the way that I want them to.... 

There's been a lot of things that don't work. 
And by now, I should know that they don't work... 
That those things work against me.... 
Like trying over and over again, for the same results...

And I'm supposed to be going on my own path, on my own. 
To figure things out on my own....

Because I'm tired, worn out....
Shifting and changing... 

I keep thinking, one more time....
And I keep thinking that....
Then I find out.... That it's still not going anywhere. 
No matter how many times I've wanted it to...