When They Are Open

I had an idea and I'm going to try to talk to someone about it
and see if it viable....

My idea is to talk to some Private Investigators
to see if they will talk to my son and interview him. 
And see if they will talk to him about some things 
and help me to get him help. 
Because he is 18 now, 'it is up to him to get help'
since he is an adult and he can legally make his own choices. 
However, he has not been making good choices and 
if he wants to have a future, a good, healthy future, 
he needs to have good, healthy influences, role models etc. 
I know that his father is emotionally unavailable to him
and has been for his whole life
and he is not close with his father.
And he can really use as much support as he can get
to make wise and healthy choices from here on out. 

I don't know what all information they can access. 
Legally, as his parent, I am not privy to any info without his consent
now that he is an adult. 

It makes it very difficult, knowing that he has mental health issues....
To be able to help him. 
And I haven't been of great help
since the things I have tried to do to get him help
have not been effective or successful. 

He is not really close with anyone. 
I don't know who he associates with.... 

And I have to also deal with my own mental health issues
to be of help to him, in the future, which I may or may not be. 
I do not know if our relationship can be repaired at this time.
Or if it can't, or won't. 

I was told that the things he said to me were out of anger
and he may not have actually meant them, we'll see. 

But as for the situation, as it stands, it is not good. 
I believe that my son has been raised by a sociopath.
My son believes that he is a psychopath. 
He may or may not be.... 
However, I believe that he is at a critical junction in his life. 
As any high risk teenager when he is at this age. 

However, I want to have hope for him to change his life.
And to realize the potential that he can have for his life. 

I don't think it is too late for him to get help. 
I really hope that he does, 
but I really don't want him to hit rock bottom to want it. 
I would rather him be introduced to some options and opportunities.

Also, if what I'm thinking of is viable, 
it may turn into a program for public safety and
crime prevention.... This is my hope. 
That there can be success stories. 
And I am really hoping that my son can be one. 
And will be one of those success stories. 

I don't want to just "give it time."
I feel like I have to act as soon as possible. 
The sooner the better.... 
Except that he is very angry and I have made it worse
by getting the police involved. It was not a smart move. 
I needed another approach.
A better approach. Those ideas were not my best. 
Those reactions were not the best. 

Even though I was being told that I was doing the right thing. 
By making the police aware of the situation. 
And I was also told to speak with his doctor, 
but I don't know how effective that was.
Or if I made things worse for him in that regard, too. 

I've been operating out of fear and not entirely with a clear head.
And my head has been a mess and all over the place
because this has been a serious situation
and I really have not has the training to handle this
or know what to do in this case. 

And doing nothing isn't helping, either. 
Which is why I don't want to just give him time. 
Because things could get worse over time, not better. 

So, I do need as much help as possible. 
With this situation, with my son, for my son. 
For his future and for his sake. 
For lots of reasons. 

And I have been pleading all over the place. 
And most people do not want to get involved
because of how serious it is 
and how dangerous it is. 
Or could be, or become. 

I can't say that I blame them because he is at risk
and he is a risk, to himself and to others. 
Unless he can get the proper guidance and help he needs
As soon as possible. 

The police can only do so much and that is why they aren't of help. 
And my son is looking at me like I threw him under the bus. 
I can understand why he sees it that way. 
That was not my intention. 
The purpose was to protect him from himself
and to protect others. 
It was for safety reasons. 
And I have a legal and moral obligation. 

But again, I can see why my son sees it the way he does
and why he is very upset with me, and angry. 
And I put myself at risk by doing it. 
I sacrificed our relationship by doing it. 

There's been a lot that went into this and a lot that lead up to it. 
Both on my side and on his side. 

It was not to get him locked up. It was for awareness reasons. 
And I know that he does not understand. 
And I see it as a very bad move on my part. 
I lost his trust and what little respect he had for me. 
Everything that we were working towards went out the window. 
But at the same time he put me in a tough spot. 

And I have had people tell me that I did the right thing.
Including the police who "can only do so much."

Because there are no programs. 
For "mental health, trauma, crime prevention etc."
There used to be a "scared straight" type of program....
But I think it was more effective on younger kids. 

I don't want to be the mother who felt she had to do more
and didn't because people told her that there was only so much she could do. 
And that she ran out of options etc.
Because there should be more options, and HELP.
For these types of situations especially. 
Because prevention is a thing.
And I could have made a lot of changes sooner. 
I could have not made some choices that I made....
I could have made better choices for myself and for my son. 
I could have been a better mother and should have been. 
Dealing with depression and other issues is not an excuse.... At all. 
For my impaired judgement and for my inabilities. 
For my ignorance and unawareness. 

I didn't have anyone who wanted to help me or get me help. 
I was left alone at 16.... With no help from my family. 
I was pregnant when I was 18....
I made poor choices when I was 16 - 18. 
From 19 - 30. 

I don't feel I received any credit for my good choices. 
Which was to enroll my son in an education savings program. 
So that at least his tuition is paid for. 
That is one less worry for him 
and an opportunity for him. 
And an advantage for him. 

He needs more opportunities and advantages. 
He needs people to have faith that he can have faith in himself. 
To make the changes in his life that are possible. 

And as his mother, if I can help him receive those, 
that is the most that I can do for my child. 
Even if he is an adult child. 

I've quit drinking, smoking. 
I'm getting a psychiatrist. 
I'm getting into a treatment program. 
I'm trying to get myself help because I need it. 
I may have gotten PTSD. I don't know. 

I don't know the extent of my son's mental illness. 
But I know that he is intelligent. 
And I have hopes that he can turn his life around for the better. 
I don't know how bad things are now, 
I only know what I know and what I know isn't good. 
I know the role that I played in this. 
His father also has played a role, and other people
who have affected or influenced my son in some way. 

I have a friend who is telling me to RUN now. 
And I feel like running is giving up on my child. 
And everything in my being is telling me not to. 
I am still clinging to hope. 
And I do not want to live in fear. 
For the rest of my life and take medication to sleep. 
And be stuck in my head and in my thoughts. 
With constant worry and anxiety.... 
About the future. Mine and his.

But at the same time, I feel like I need to keep my distance. 
At least for now, while I get healthy. 
And while he sorts out himself and his issues. 
I believe that he can and it is a matter of willpower. 

And willpower has not been my strong point. 
Some things come easy and a lot of things don't. 
Some things are still a struggle for me, very much so. 

But given the guidance he needs and support, 
I want to think that he can really change his life. 
And he might. But I can't force him into it. 
If someone builds a rapport with him, 
there may be possibilities. 

I want to believe in the possibilities of good possibilities. 
I want to have hope in hope. 

Even if it makes me "delusional."

I sometimes think that my spiritual beliefs make me seem "delusional."
I never used to believe in it. 
I still question whether it is even real
or if I'm just being "delusional."
Like trying to believe in something that may not be real. 

Can you imagine getting to "the other side"
and finding out that everything you believed while you were alive
wasn't the case and that there was always so much more to life
that you ever knew? While you were alive?
I think about that all the time. 
I was definitely focused on the wrong things in the past. 
And I'm aware of that now. 
I'm so mad at myself for ever being focused on those things
and not putting my focus where it needed to be. 

There's a tiny little spider running around on my laptop. 
I keep watching it running around, exploring. 
It seems like a baby spider and it seems to be
having the time of its tiny little life. 
I keep watching it. 
It keeps making threads and running up and down the threads.
I don't have issues with spiders.
Bigger ones make me nervous, though. 
And some are venomous and some are not. 
But not many types of spiders, in Canada, are lethal. 

Anyway, I have a couple ideas.... 
On how to help my son. 
I brought these ideas up to a friend, once
and he said that they aren't good ideas. 
Because if my son finds out that I have anything to do with it, 
he might get even more angry at me
for trying to have "control" over his life. 
When I'm trying to do whatever I can think of to help him. 
And I didn't know he needed help for so long. 
And I didn't know how to help him and still don't. 

Been told to just leave him alone. 
And he has told me he wants nothing to do with me. 
And I have had fears of him trying to harm me. 
And had it pointed out to me that if he wanted to harm me, 
he may have tried to already, 
but that does not mean that thoughts have not crossed his mind
about harming me or worse
and that the desire hasn't been there. 
It just means that he hasn't taken action on it. 

Maybe because the police are already aware. 
Of his thoughts about harming people. 

And I really don't like thinking of my son this way. 
I'd rather remember him as the kid who used to pick flowers for me
when we went on nature walks, held the door open for me
and said "ladies first" as I had taught him. 
He lost what I had taught him.
When he lost respect for me
and started treating me the way his father did
and thought it was okay. 
And I allowed it because I didn't know how not to. 
Like I had no choice but to just accept that they were treating me that way
and holding resentments against me, etc. 

Who used to hold my hand to cross the street. 
Who used to sleep on my chest when he was a baby. 
Who used to snore in his playpen, taking a nap. 
After a busy afternoon of playing with his toys
while I was working on a school assignment. 

Who showed concern for me when I burned myself. 
So he does have empathy. 
He knows how it feels to be going through what he is going through, 
but he may not have the awareness 
that others have feelings, too. 
Or the awareness of how they feel. 

He did care, at one point. 
But he chooses not to, because he said it's "easier."
And he hasn't had anyone to show him how to care about himself. 
He has such a damaged self-esteem that he does not care about himself. 
It's like nobody told him why it is important to care about himself. 
And I get what depression is like. 
Hard to just get through the day
let alone take care of himself. 
And nobody seems to care about him enough
to get him to take care of himself. 

So neglected by his father that he's neglecting himself. 
Things are in a really sad state of affairs for him. 
Because he is at an age where he should already know
how to do a lot of things for himself and want to be able to. 
And possibly frustrated because he wasn't being taught. 
And that he doesn't already have the skills, 
but at the same time, being so stuck in victim mode
and survival mode that he hasn't been thriving emotionally
enough to be thriving emotionally, 
And not being aware enought to see why he should care.
Like I wasn't. 
If that makes any sense. 
I've been there. I still have depression. I still lack skills. 
Even at my age. Which adds to it.
Depressed because of my inabilities, 
because of the areas of my life where I'm not as developed
as I should be for my age. 
I wasn't doing myself any favors at his age. 
Which means I wasn't doing him many favors, either. 
And that's on me. 

I wasn't even aware of doing myself favors, 
or setting myself up for success. 
Because I did not have the support or guidance. 
I did not have a mentor. 
I had one person to look up to
and she wasn't playing as much of a role in my life
as she was when I was younger, 
but I still call her from time to time. 
She has still tried to help me as best as she could.

I wasn't even thinking about any of this. 
I was focused on suppressing my emotions
because I wasn't allowed to express them for so long. 
Suppressing was all that I knew how to do
and seek external validation. 
That's all the emotional support I had. 
External validation, not internal, not instrinsic. 
That is a whole different ball game. It really is. 

Suppressing my emotions made me feel like I had no voice. 
The people who I had around me, 
who I tried to communicate with, 
who I wanted to resolve and address issues with... 
Could not see the issues, 
and didn't want to address anything with me. 
Always shut me down whenever I tried to talk about
the things that were really bothering me. 
By getting angry with me for even bringing them up. 

So it felt like I could never just bring something up. 
And just address it. 
So I didn't learn how to do that. 
And it made me feel like I didn't have a voice, 
even more than I did
about not being "allowed" to express how I felt. 

So I do understand people who have gone though
and are going through the exact same thing. 

I have to admit that in the past, I did not like
when things were thrown in my face. 
I did not like being criticized. 
I did not like being judged. 
I still don't. Because it does not feel good. 

But at the same time I was refusing to see the error of my ways. 
Because for whatever reasons, 
I wanted to justify why I made the choices I made. 
Without thinking that the choices I made
were the wrong choices. 

My son does not really need to be judged, 
he needs to feel understood, heard. 
That someone cares. 
That there are times people will do things FOR him, not TO him. 

I've need to feel understood and heard, too. 
Writing's been my only platform for that. 
Because verbal communication is still a really huge struggle for me. 
I have a writing "voice" and that's pretty much the only "voice" I've had. 
I've wanted to have a "voice" for so long.... 
I've needed to have a "voice" for so long.... Too long... 

Even to be able to ask for help, when needed. 
Even to know where to go to get help, 
Even to learn what to do.... 
In really difficult situations.... 

And even HOW to think about what I'm doing.....
That has f*cked me over so many times. 
Because I've acted impulsively....
On impulse. Like I've said in another post, 
Sometimes the wrong things were coming from a good place. 
But it was also like lighting myself on fire
Without thinking about it. 
"Why can't I see that I'm f*cking myself?"
....Because I'm not thinking about it.... 

Like imagine being so unaware, 
that you don't even know HOW to think about things.... 
Like HOW I'm setting myself up to fail, 
HOW I'm f*cking myself over.... 
HOW and WHY I'm CONSTANTLY f*cking myself over.... 
This is stuff that would have helped me so long ago
and helped my son and could help my son. 
And others who are unaware
and who sabotage rather than support themselves.... 

DUE TO UNAWARENESS.... 
BEING A HUGE BARRIER.... 
IN MANY PEOPLE'S LIVES.... IGNORANCE.... EGO....
THINKING WE KNOW ENOUGH, 
THINKING WE ARE SMART ENOUGH....
BUT REALLY WE KNOW SH*T
IN COMPARISON TO WHAT WE COULD KNOW
AND OUGHT TO KNOW
TO BE FUNCTIONAL PEOPLE,
REASONABLE PEOPLE, 
MATURE PEOPLE, 
AWARE PEOPLE, 
ENLIGHTENED PEOPLE....
SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE.... 

IGNORANCE AND EGO AFFECT OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES, TOO. 
NOT JUST OURS.... 

MAKING F*CKED UP CHOICES
FROM F*CKED UP THINKING....
FROM NOT THINKING.... 
FROM FOCUSING ON THE WRONG THINGS.... 

And people who grow up seeing that from their parents
and who are constantly disappointed by their parents.... 
And then constantly disappoint ourselves
if we don't learn from the mistakes our parents made
AND REFUSE TO MAKE THOSE MISTAKES. 

But the thing I have learned from growing up
in a dysfunctional family
is that I thought dysfunction was "normal"
that it was "okay" to be f*cked up.
And "okay" to just f*ck up. 
Like they are, and they are getting away with it... 

But in the real world, to have real skills, 
necessary and important skills.... 
We have to be aware that there is dysfunction.... 
But also aware HOW to be functional. 
And not just pretend to be functional
and pretend to have our sh*t together. 

WHEN THAT IS ALL YOU SEE, THAT IS ALL YOU KNOW.
AND WHEN YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE GROWING
AND DEVELOPING.... IN THAT ENVIRONMENT.....
IT PREVENTS YOUR GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT. 
IT PREVENTS YOU FROM BEING A WELL ADJUSTED, 
FUNCTIONAL, HEALTHY PERSON. 

HOW WE THINK, HOW WE PROCESS THOUGHTS.... 

AND PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO TELL ME
THAT I DO NOT HAVE CONTROL OVER HOW
OTHER PEOPLE THINK. 

BUT WE CAN'T NOT TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO THINK
AND EXPECT THEM TO KNOW HOW TO THINK. 

AND THIS IS A MAJOR ISSUE IN SOCIETY TODAY. 
WE HAVE A LOT OF DYSFUCTIONAL PEOPLE
THAT CREATED A DYSFUNCTIONAL SOCIETY
AND WE EXPECT PEOPLE TO KNOW
HOW TO BE HEALTHY
WHEN THEY ARE SURROUNDED BY UNHEALTHY PEOPLE
WHO KEEP THEM UNHEALTHY. 
AND WHO MAKE THEIR HEALTH DECLINE EVEN MORE. 

UNHEALTHY HABITS, UNHEALTHY WAYS, 
UNHEALTHY BEHAVIOR, THOUGHTS, WAYS OF THINKING... 
WAYS OF LIVING.... JUST A LOT OF BULLSH*T
THAT SOCIETY DOESN'T NEED. 
SOCIETY HAS BECOME A WASTE LAND
OF LOSE MORALS AND ETHICS. 
LOW STANDARDS....

TOLERATING SH*T THAT SHOULD NOT BE TOLERATED. 
AND PEOPLE DO NOT KNOW HOW NOT TO
JUST PUT UP WITH SH*T
THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH. 
BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE VOICES. 

AND PEOPLE ARE NOT TEACHING PEOPLE. 
AND PEOPLE ARE REFUSING TO LEARN.... 
REFUSING TO EDUCATE THEMSELVES. 
REFUSING TO DO THEMSELVES FAVORS. 
REFUSING TO LISTEN. 
TO PEOPLE WHO HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY.... 

But.... Does it matter what they say?
If people refuse to listen?
Can we force them to receive messages
that they don't want to receive?
That cannot penetrate their huge ego?
That cannot penetrate their ignorance?
Does it matter? It still does. 

Because the message doesn't change.... 
Minds can change when they are open. 
Not when they are closed.