Unpublished

There was a post of mine that got unpublished due to violating the rules. 
The thing is that it doesn't say what post it was.
I'll probably mark the blog as adult or something.
Maybe it was the swearing, Idk.
But quite likely. 

That hasn't happened before, and I don't even know what post it was. 
I wish they would include the link to the post in the notice. 

I don't post extremely explicit things or anything like that. 
For the most part, I keep it clean, 
but I guess I should work on keeping the language clean, too. 
I can get a point across without swearing. 
Even if I put stars or whatever where the vowels would be.... 
I thought that was enough to hide the word, but it's not
because people can still tell what the word is. 

I've been really stuck in this depression, 
and sad about a lot of things that have been going on in my life. 

People I have to let go because they want me to. 

But I keep getting feelings that I still have to help
and still have to do what I'm supposed to do. 

Even when people tell me that I only have control over
what I have control over.

It's hard to feel good when there are things going on
that are really hard to deal with
and are not good. 

And been feeling like I can't really trust people.
Even people I wanted to trust, who I thought I could. 
Just getting this vibe lately. 
I really don't like it.

But I have to trust the vibes, I guess. 

Starting to feel like I need to be alone more. 
Away from most people. 
Because a lot of people take advantage
and often I don't see it until they already have....
It takes me a while to catch onto what's really going on. 

And I should be on top of stuff like that. 

I feel like I need better boundaries with people, from the start. 
Not to let people close to me or into my life so easily. 
Not to feel like I can trust them until I know they can be trusted. 
But I guess we don't know that they can be
until we know that they can be.... 

And we have to be very careful with people we meet. Very.
For all kinds of reasons. 

It'd be nice if we could just take things at face value, but we can't. 

Like how M*** told me it was over between him and her.
Apparently, it wasn't. 
And I thought he was telling the truth. 

Maybe he thought it was or.... At the time it was... 
Or maybe he was just telling me that
because he knew how I felt about him.... 
Because I told him.... 

People have lied to me a lot and I believed them. 
Because I wanted to think they were telling the truth... 
I wanted to believe them, so I did. 

But not everything people tell us is the truth.... 
Even when we think they would never lie to us.....
Even when we wouldn't lie to them.... 

And it just makes me want to stay away from most people. 
Because I really don't need that in my life. 

And it also bothers me when people think I'm being fake when I'm not. 
Like they think I'm being nice because I want something. 

Because a lot of people do that. 
They are nice because they want something. 
Instead of just being nice because they want to be nice. 

But we have to be careful who we are nice to. 
Because then they start to try to take advantage of our generosity. 
Because they are selfish.... 

And this is a hard lesson for people who are nice because they want to be. 
Because they get used because they are "nice."

And it wasn't always like this. 
I think there used to be a time when people could just be nice to each other
and be genuine, and be appreciated....

I don't know what happened, but something happened. 
To where people really got "programmed"
and their thinking got distorted....
To think "what's in this for me?"
"How can I get what I want?"
And it's sad that people think like that.

And it is sad that popular people do all kinds of things
to get people to like them that they don't even want to do....
Instead of just saying that they don't want to do it. 
And risk not being "liked" by certain people
that they want to be "liked" by.
But they only "like" them if they do what they want.
So do they really like them?
Or do they "like" them because they can get them to do things for them?

And for me, it is hard to tell with people. 
Because, yes, I would prefer it if they like me, 
but I would rather that they actually like me
instead of like me because I can do something for them
or they can get something from me. 

And then they don't like me because they can't get me
to do what they wanted me to do. 
Or give them what they wanted me to give them
or I stop being so nice to them like I was before, 
and I set up boundaries.... 

Boundaries are important to have. Really important. 

And the people who do things to be liked
usually have a low self-esteem. 

And they want to be popular because they have low self-worth
so they want to be deemed worthy of being popular. 
Deemed worthy of being in "the crowd."

I never wanted to be in "the crowd"
because I never wanted to do stuff I didn't want to do just to be liked.
Either people like me or they don't. 
Even if I say no. 

But I still have to have boundaries with people I do like. 
And boundaries were not taught to me. 
Because I've had people cross the line with me
because they didn't teach me that there should be a line. 
What the line should be
and why there should be a line. 

Some people realize that there is a line
that should not be crossed. 
And they respect that line. 
They don't cross it. Like lying. 

Some people lie because they get away with lying
because they know the person they are lying to
will believe them
because they don't think they would lie. 

And they lie because they want people to think
what they want them to think. 

I've had people lie about me
because they were jealous of me
(for whatever reason... I don't think anyone really has any reason 
to be jealous of me.)

Like they didn't want someone to like me
so they told lies about me to the person who liked me
to try to get them to not like me anymore.

And I had that done to my son. 
His father told him things about me
that got my son not to like me anymore. 
And he didn't for a long time. 
Because of the things his father said about me. 

And then my son didn't want to be around me....

But he thinks I lied to him about being able to tell me anything
and that he could trust me
because the things he told me scared me
and he thinks I threw him under the bus. 

And the people who told me I was doing the right thing, 
I trusted them.... 
And now my son thinks he can't trust me
so what is the point in talking to me anymore?

It wasn't that he couldn't trust me.... 
It was the things he was saying. 
Those things put his trust into question. 
I trusted him not to go there. 
Never thought he would want to. 
Never thought he would. 
And those things he said put that into question. 
And those things were warning signs to me. 
"If you don't do something now...."
And what happens when you don't know what to do?
Do you do something and risk doing the wrong thing?
Do you do something because someone told you
that you were doing the right thing?
That it is the right thing to do?

And I've done things I knew I shouldn't have done. 
But I did those things anyway. 
And then it got twisted into something
that I didn't want it to get twisted into. 

And to me, it wasn't like that. 

Someone said to me....
"Ever play chess?"
And then I said "Apparently I'm not good at chess."

He was saying that "Once a piece is moved, it's been moved."
Like once something is done, it is done.
"What's done is done."

Like once you see something, you can't unsee it. 
Once you feel something, you can't unfeel it. 
Once you say something, you can't unsay it. 
Once you do something, you can't undo it. 

Like I can't undo the things I did or tried to do
to help someone that weren't helpful. 

Even when those things were supposedly "the right things."
Even when those things were supposedly supposed to help. 

And we are supposed to know what to do, 
but unless we are taught, we don't know. 
We don't know until we know. 

Like it should be like "Don't scare someone
unless you want them to be scared."
And if they are scared, they are going to act out of fear.... 

And I think that a lot of people are keeping other people stuck. 
Like trying to make them not feel good enough about themselves
to make them stay.... Stuck. 

Like "Don't grow because you'll outgrow me."
And a lot of people are afraid of growing. 
So they keep themselves stuck. 

Some people give a lot of attention when they want attention. 
And some people want attention so much
that even negative attention is attention. 

And some people don't want others to realize their worth
because they don't know their own worth. 

Like they don't want others to feel good enough
because they don't feel good enough. 

They don't want people to grow because that means they will change
and they don't want them to change. 
Because that means they can't "use" them or "play" them
or make them feel a type of way about themselves.