In The First Place

I woke up p*ssed off at all the sh*t I've put up with
From family members, from a lot of people. 
People disrespecting tf out of me and 
they don't like it when I have something to say about it.
When I stand up for myself. 
They still try to control me
because that's what they want, control over me
when they can't even have control over themselves.... 

It p*sses me off because it's like I can't make them control themselves. 
And obviously nobody taught them how to control themselves.
And they seem to hate it when I try to teach them anything
because they don't seem to respect me enough 
to let me teach them anything. 
But they want control over me
and point out sh*t about me.... 

Going back to my issues with my brother....
My brother learned that to get what he wants
he has to FREAK TF OUT
AND GO INTO A RAGE.
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT MY STEPFATHER DOES.

Years ago, on Father's Day, my brother made a comment on FB
saying that he hates Father's Day or something to that effect.
Which put my Stepfather in a RAGE.
So he got all p*ssy about it and went to go confront my brother about it.
At my brother's place where he was living with some people....
And ruined THEIR Father's Day
Just because he can't control my brother
what he said, he didn't LIKE.
SO SUCK IT UP. 
NO NEED TO GO INTO A RAGE ABOUT IT....
So it continued when he got back
and NOBODY SAID ANYTHING ABOUT IT
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T WANT TO MAKE IT "WORSE"
BECAUSE HE DOES NOT WANT TO BE
OR LIKE BEING CONFRONTED ABOUT HIS SH*T.
SO HE KEEPS ACTING LIKE THAT
BECAUSE NOBODY SAYS SH*T ABOUT IT.
WE'VE JUST PUT UP WITH IT FOR YEARS.
BUT WHY SHOULD WE JUST PUT UP WITH THAT SH*T?!
I DIDN'T GO OVER THERE FOR THAT SH*T.

So..... My brother learned how to act like that
and freak out like that because nobody said sh*t to him
and just put up with it
and never taught him to f*cking control himself
instead of trying to control other people.... 
And whenever something "p*sses him off"
He seems to think he has the right to ACT all P*SSY.

So I told him a couple things that were true
that he didn't want to hear or admit.... 
And he didn't LIKE that, but he was staying in MY house.
So he was all about trying to CONTROL ME.
FREAKING OUT IN MY FACE!!!! 
IN MY HOUSE.
AND I TOLD HIM TO GTFO
AND HE DIDN'T LIKE THAT
AND HE REFUSED TO GTFO
AND TRIED TO BARRICADE HIMSELF IN MY KITCHEN
AND THEN GOES INTO "HIS" ROOM
AND SLAMS THE DOOR IN MY FACE
AFTER THROWING ME ON THE FLOOR
BECAUSE I WAS IN HIS WAY.

INSTEAD OF GETTING TF OUT OF MY HOUSE.
BECAUSE HE DOES NOT HAVE THE RIGHT
TO ACT HOWEVER HE FEELS LIKE ACTING
AND EXPECTING EVERYONE TO JUST TOLERATE THAT SH*T.

JUST BECAUSE EVERYONE JUST LET HIM HAVE HIS F*CKING WAY....
JUST BECAUSE HE LEARNED THAT SH*T
FROM SOMEONE WHO EXPECTS THAT SH*T.
IT'S NOT RIGHT 
AND NOBODY TAUGHT HIM OTHERWISE.

Anyway, I woke up today.... P*SSED OFF
BECAUSE OF ALL THE SH*T I PUT UP WITH IN MY LIFE
THAT I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH.

And it's like nobody in my family f*cking respects me
enough to listen to me.... 
To TEACH THEM that isn't f*cking right. Period. 
And even if I RAGED IN THEIR F*CKING FACE.
IT JUST MAKES THEM RAGE MORE AT ME.

LIKE HOW DARE I SPEAK THE TRUTH
IN MY OWN F*CKING HOUSE?!?!
HOW DARE I DEMAND HIM TO LEAVE?!?!
HOW DARE I SPEAK UP AND SAY SOMETHING?!?!
ABOUT THAT SH*T?!?!

My brother once said:
"Just because you have a mirror
doesn't mean you have to shove it in anyone's face....."

And if I don't, they won't look at themselves.....
But nobody LIKES being FORCED to LOOK at themselves
BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT THEIR SH*T
TO BE THROWN IN THEIR FACE.....

BUT APPARENTLY THEY THINK IT'S OKAY
TO JUST SH*T ON EVERYONE
INCLUDING ME
FOR SAYING SOMETHING THAT'S F*CKING TRUE.....
BECAUSE THEY DON'T LIKE IT!!!!!
OH F*CKING WELL!!!!

And it's like I was never "allowed" to say f*ck all about anything. 
And never bring up sh*t I didn't like
which INCLUDES them raging in my face
about sh*t they don't like.... 
Go figure.

Anyway, it p*sses me off. I woke up p*ssed off. 
Like they can go f*ck themselves
if they think they can get whatever they want
just by throwing a f*cking temper tantrum about it.

AND EXPECT ME NOT TO SAY F*CK ALL ABOUT IT....
AND EVERYONE JUST LET THEM DO IT.
AND NEVER SAID SH*T ABOUT IT
BECAUSE THEY DON'T LIKE IT....

And my son is this way now
because I said something about his sh*t. 
I told the police because his father wasn't listening. 
It was getting bad and has gotten bad. 
Because his father hasn't sat him down to lay it on him. 
And apparently it was my job to do that, 
BUT MOM HASN'T HAD CUSTODY OF ME
SINCE I WAS 8 YEARS OLD
SO WHY TF SHOULD I LISTEN TO HER?
PLUS, I HAVE ALL THESE OPINIONS ABOUT HER.... 
WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO HER?!
BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO ACT LIKE AND BE
A LITTLE SH*T WHEN YOU DON'T GET YOUR WAY!!!!
He didn't want me to go to the police. 
I went to his father first. 
His father doesn't listen to me, either. 
When I'm sharing REAL concerns about our son. 

The police aren't there to TEACH people how to act right.
And how can I teach people how to f*cking act right
when they don't respect me enough to listen to me?!

People don't LIKE IT when they don't GET THEIR WAY.
I've had people TREAT ME LIKE SH*T
because I didn't do what they wanted
or did something they didn't like.

AND THEN TRY TO COME BACK LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED.
BECAUSE THEY STILL WANTED WHAT THEY WANTED FROM ME
AND TRY TO BE ALL NICE TO ME
LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED
BUT THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE DISRESPECTED ME
AND TREATED ME LIKE SH*T
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T GET WHAT THEY WANTED.... 

WHEN DO I GET WHAT I WANT?
I WANT PEOPLE TO RESPECT ME ENOUGH
NOT TO TREAT ME LIKE SH*T
WHEN THEY DON'T GET WHAT THEY WANT.
NOT TO FREAK OUT ON ME
WHEN I SAY SOMETHING THEY DON'T LIKE
OR DON'T WANT TO HEAR....
TO F*CKING LISTEN TO ME.

It seems that's asking too much, though. 
Because I'm not supposed to shove a mirror in anyone's face
and make them look at themselves
when they don't f*cking want to. 

BECAUSE LOOKING AT THEMSELVES
REQUIRES THEM TO SEE WHAT NEEDS TO CHANGE
AND MAKING THOSE CHANGES
REQUIRES WORK AND GETTING HELP
BECAUSE THEY APPARENTLY NEED IT.

AND IF THEY DON'T LET ME HELP, 
OR LISTEN TO ME, HOW AM I TO HELP?
FORCING THEM TO LOOK AT THEMSELVES
JUST P*SSES THEM OFF
BUT IT SEEMS LIKE I HAVE TO DO IT
OR NOBODY WILL DO IT
AND I DON'T HAVE THE TOOLS TO DO IT
IN THE WAY THAT MAKES THEM ADMIT I'M F*CKING RIGHT
BECAUSE THAT MAKES THEM WRONG
AND THEY DON'T LIKE THAT.....

Because apparently, I'm not allowed to be RIGHT
and it's easier for them not to DEAL WITH ME
THAN TO ADMIT THAT I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY
AND LISTEN TO WHAT I HAVE TO SAY
AND EASIER FOR THEM
TO KEEP ACTING THE WAY THEY ACT.
EVEN IF SOMEONE MIGHT GET HURT
AND IT WAS MY RESPONSIBILITY
TO NIP THAT SH*T IN THE BUD
WHEN IT FIRST STARTED.

But the ones who need to control themselves
do not like being controlled.
By others, but seem to refuse to control themselves. 

And I have this BIG problem with my son
and trying to reason with him when he's son in his EGO
Like YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!
AND WHAT NOT TO DO!!!
Yes, he should know better
and it was up to ME and his DAD to teach him better. 
But it was easier for his DAD not to do something about this. 
Even though I told him about this. 
Even though I tried correcting him when he lived here. 
With me, but it all went out the window
when he was placed with his father.
And every time I had anything to say about them ignoring me, 
they ignored me even more, longer. 

Because what gave ME the right to make them stop ignoring me?!
What gave me the right to make them listen to me?!
What gave me the right to say anything about anything?!
When he's MY child?!
When I want him to do and be right....
Because I don't want him to be raised like that....
By his father.... 

And someone talked to me about this today....
He was saying how my son felt ignored, neglected by me
And so he wants to hurt me by acting like this.... 
Because he was hurt. 

And that guaranteed he'll come back into my life.
Because he does want my attention, 
but he's getting my attention by hurting me. 
Because that's what seems to work.... 

BUT, It's more of what I mentioned above.... 
NOT JUST THAT.... It's that, too, 
BUT IT'S MORE THAT HE WANTS TO GET HIS WAY.
AND HE GETS ANGRY WHEN HE DOESN'T.

BECAUSE HE THINKS THAT TO GET CONTROL
HE HAS TO GET ANGRY AND FORCE IT.

AND HE THINKS THAT TO CONTROL ME
HE'S JUST P*SSED AT ME....
AND REFUSES TO TALK TO ME
AND REFUSES TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME
AND JUST TREATS ME THIS WAY.

AS MUCH AS I LOVE HIM
AND WISH HE WAS IN MY LIFE
I CANNOT ALLOW THIS
AND CANNOT ACCEPT THIS.

He thinks he has control over me
because he knows I love him
and he knows I want him in my life.
So he thinks he has power over me
by ignoring me and pushing me out of his life.
Anytime he feels like it....

And I have to just let him go.
Because I do not need to be treated this way. 
If anyone wants me in their life
or wants anything from me, 
they don't get to just treat me like that.....

I admit that I've allowed it. 
I admit that I don't know how to not allow it.
That I have my weak moments
when I want people in my life
BUT NOT WHEN THEY ACT LIKE THAT.
LIKE I WOULD RATHER BE ON MY OWN.

AND MY SON KNOWS
THAT I'M GOING TO KEEP TRYING
TO REPAIR OUR RELATIONSHIP
AND HE WON'T TRY.

AND I'M GOING TO STOP TRYING
AND TRYING TO KISS HIS BUTT TO MAKE HIM HAPPY
AND TRY TO REACH OUT TO HIM.
AND TRY TO FIX IT THIS TIME
WHEN I WAS NOT THE ONE WHO BROKE IT THIS TIME.
BECAUSE I DID HAVE TO SPEAK UP AND SPEAK OUT
ON THESE SERIOUS THINGS.
WHETHER HE LIKED IT OR NOT.
AND HE TRIED TO TELL ME
THAT I WAS TRYING TO RUIN HIS LIFE
BY REPORTING HIM....

IF I HAD NOTHING TO REPORT, 
WOULD I HAVE REPORTED HIM?

And is reporting going too far?
When I should be handling this sh*t myself?
When his father should be handling this sh*t?
AND IS IT MY FAULT THAT HIS FATHER ISN'T?
It's only my fault for not handling it myself. 
FOR NOT KNOWING HOW TO.
FOR GETTING SCARED AND SAD
BECAUSE GETTING SCARED AND SAD
IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE IT.

My mother said, "He'll be back when he wants something from you."
Yeah, like everyone just seems to want something from me. 
TO USE ME. FOR WHAT THEY WANT FROM ME.
BUT WHAT DO I GET?
WHAT ABOUT WHAT I WANT?
FOR PEOPLE TO WAKE TF UP
AND REALIZE THAT IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT THEM
AND WHAT THEY WANT!!!!!!
NOT ABOUT WHAT I CAN DO FOR THEM
WHEN THEY CAN'T EVEN LET ME SPEAK THE TRUTH
WITHOUT FREAKING TF OUT ON ME....
THAT'S WHAT I GET FOR GIVING THEM WHAT THEY WANT.
INSTEAD OF SAYING NO. GFY.

THEY'VE HAD ALL THIS TIME TO TREAT ME RIGHT
AND LEARN HOW TO ACT AND BE RIGHT
WHICH IS ALL I F*CKING WANTED FROM THEM
BUT APPARENTLY I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THEM
BECAUSE THEY DON'T LIKE TO BE CONTROLLED BY ME.
THEY DON'T LIKE BEING TOLD WHAT TO DO
AND WHAT NOT TO DO. BY ME.
BUT YET THEY WANT CONTROL OVER ME.
TRYING TO MANIPULATE ME
PLAY ON MY EMOTIONS....

TRY TO PLAY THE SYMPATHY CARD WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS.
"FEEL BAD FOR ME...."
I can empathize. I've been through a lot of sh*t, 
but what about the sh*t they put me through?
Where's MY empathy?

And it p*sses me off that I let this sh*t go on for so long....
When they aren't trying to look at it from my POV.
They only look at it like: "I don't like this."
"I don't want MOM/A*** to tell me what to do
or what not to do...."
Then just f*cking act right. Be right.
Then MOM/A*** won't have sh*t to say about it. 
To the police or to anyone. 

But it makes ME look bad that I don't have control over him. 
And that I haven't managed to teach him to control himself
and that he seemingly has had control over my emotions. 
This whole time.... Because I chased him to be back in my life. 
Because all I wanted was my son in my life.
To be a part of his life.
And this is what I get?!

And I should have let them walk tf away. 
And that is what I should do this time. 
Because if they are not going to listen to me now, 
WHEN ARE THEY GOING TO LISTEN TO ME?!
WHEN THEY SUDDENLY HAVE RESPECT FOR ME?!
WHEN SOMEONE ELSE TEACHES THEM A LESSON?!
ON HOW TO TREAT ME PROPERLY?
BECAUSE APPARENTLY I'VE BEEN TOO WEAK
OR TOO WHATEVER TO SEE WHAT THEY'VE BEEN DOING
AND JUST LET THEM KEEP DOING IT?
INSTEAD OF SAYING: F*CK THIS SH*T. GFY.

BUT IT MAKES ME LOOK BAD TELLING PEOPLE
TO GFT WHEN I ACTUALLY WANTED THEM IN MY LIFE.
BUT WHY SHOULD I WANT ANYONE IN MY LIFE
WHO CANNOT/WILL NOT RESPECT ME?!
IF YOU'RE JUST TOLERATING ME.... GFY.
IF ALL ANYONE WANTS IS TO USE ME
BECAUSE THEY WANT SOMETHING FROM ME, GFY.

WHY COME BACK WHEN YOU WANT SOMETHING?

And that's what I don't f*cking like. 
And try to act like they care about me... GTFO OF HERE
WITH THAT BULLSH*T.... 

When I care about someone, it's not because I want something. 
It's because I actually care about them. 

I've manipulated in the past, I've wanted control. 
WHERE DID THAT GET ME? ANYWHERE?
PEOPLE DO NOT WANT TO BE CONTROLLED, 
AND PRETTY MUCH ALL I EVER WANTED
WAS ENOUGH CONTROL
FOR THEM TO LISTEN TO ME
AND TEACH THEM THINGS
LIKE HOW TO CONTROL THEMSELVES....

WHICH IS HARD FOR ME TO TEACH
BECAUSE THAT IS NOT SOMETHING I WAS TAUGHT. 
I WAS TAUGHT TO BE CONTROLLED
BY CONTROLLING PEOPLE
WHO JUST WANTED WHAT THEY WANTED
BUT REFUSED TO LISTEN TO OR HEAR WHAT I WANTED. 
TO THE POINT THAT IT WAS ABUSIVE. 

And I went along with sh*t before
because they expected me to. 
Even though I didn't want to. 
And there's being compliant and being complicit. 
I won't be compliant if it means being complicit. 
Because there are things I WILL NOT STAND FOR.

AND SOMETIMES REJECTION IS OU PROTECTION
EVEN THOUGH I STILL FEEL RESPONSIBLE. 
FOR JUST LETTING SH*T HAPPEN
AND LETTING SH*T GO....
AND NOT SAYING ANYTHING ABOUT IT.... 
BECAUSE LOOK AT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I DO!!!
THEY RAGE AT ME AND REJECT ME. 
AND THEN COME BACK TO HURT ME MORE. 
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T GET WHAT THEY WANTED.... 
WELP, NEITHER DID I.

I WANTED FAMILY WHO WOULD NEVER
THINK LIKE THAT, OR TALK SH*T ABOUT ME
OR TRY TO CONTROL ME, MY EMOTIONS, MY ACTIONS
TREAT ME LIKE SH*T.... 

AS LONG AS I AM NOT HURTING ANYONE...
I'M NOT IN THE WRONG, 
IF THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT HURTING PEOPLE
THEY ARE IN THE WRONG.... 

And I never meant to hurt anyone's feelings
by not giving them what they wanted.... 
By not giving into them.... 

Whenever I did, they kept using me. 
And I had to f*cking stop that sh*t. 
And when I didn't, when I did sh*t to be nice
and try to get them to like me, trust me, respect me, 
they just thought it was okay to just do it
and they didn't respect me. 

THAT IS WHAT HAVING BOUNDARIES IS FOR.
THAT'S WHAT SAYING NO IS FOR. 
AND PEOPLE DON'T LIKE BEING TOLD NO. 
BECAUSE THAT MEANS THEY CAN'T GET WHAT THEY WANT. 
AND IT'S NOT ABOUT GETTING WHAT THEY WANT. 
IT'S ABOUT WHAT THEY NEED. 
RULES, RESPECT, BOUNDARIES.... 

If you want me in your life, listen to me. 
If you don't want to listen to me, you don't get me in your life. 
And if that makes me look bad, that makes me look bad. 

Don't try to make me feel bad for having boundaries. 
I'll do something if I want to. If it is an offer, 
it's not because I want something or expect something. 
It was just something I wanted to do. 
It bugs me when I do something nice and they say:
"YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT."

Because I know I didn't have to f*cking do that.
BUT IT MAKES ME THINK
THAT THEY THINK THEY HAVE TO DO NICE THINGS FOR ME
BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO, NOT BECAUSE THEY WANT TO. 

AND IF THEY THINK THEY HAVE TO
IT'S BECAUSE THEY WANT SOMETHING FROM ME. 
IT'S NOT BECAUSE THEY WANT TO.... 
THERE'S A DIFFERENCE THERE. I DON'T LIKE IT.

AND THEY THINK I WON'T OR DON'T FIGURE THAT OUT.
BECAUSE A LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE DON'T OR WON'T. 

LIKE "I HAVE TO BE NICE TO HER TO GET HER TO BE NICE TO ME...."
NOT BECAUSE I JUST WANT TO BE NICE TO SOMEONE
AND HOPE THAT THEY WANT TO BE NICE TO ME.... 

It's really f*cked up, that people can't just be sincere. 
And genuine. Anymore. 
Like people seem to have a motive. 
To do what's right. 

"I have to do this to get that...."
Instead of just.... "I want to do this."
Like being kind is a f*cking chore.... Why?
"It's easier not to care...." Someone said. 
Because why? Because we get disappointed
when we don't get what we wanted?
So disappointed that it hurts?
Because people don't let others down?

Because others have needs, too? Not just you?
And it's unacceptable when others let YOU down....
but it's OKAY to let them down?!

"I didn't get what I wanted, so they're not either."
See where that goes?

And this is sh*t most people don't talk about. 

I've been nice because I wanted to be, 
but people try to turn it around like I want something. 

And others were nice to me because they wanted something
and it took me a long time to realize it
because I thought they were being nice
because they wanted to be nice. 
And people who are nice because they want to be nice
don't talk about how nice they are.... 

But I have to stop being so nice to people. 
I really f*cking do. 
Even when I want to be nice to them. 
Because they seem to get suspicious, 
OR they try to use it against me. 
OR they try to act nice to me
to get something from me. 

Like "I've been nothing but nice to you...."
Well, thanks for being nice to me.... 
But don't be nice to me if all you want is something from me. 

Because that isn't the reason to be nice to people. 

And being nice isn't about keeping your mouth shut
about things that aren't right....  If it's not right, it's not right.
And nobody should try to make you feel bad
about speaking up and speaking out.
Especially for your own rights. 
Or the rights of others, period. 

AND THAT IS WHAT IT'S BEEN LIKE FOR ME ALL MY LIFE,
LIKE I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE HEARD.
TO BE LOVED, TO MATTER.
TO BE TREATED RIGHT.

And yeah, I picked up stupid sh*t from stupid people.
I have done things because I thought I had to. 
To get something I needed. 

TO THE POINT THAT I WOULDN'T ASK FOR HELP
BECAUSE IT WAS EITHER "NO. GFY. I DON'T WANT TO."
BUT WHEN THEY NEEDED HELP, WHO WAS THERE?
WHEN THEY ASKED ME FOR HELP?

AND IT ALSO FELT LIKE I WAS USING THEM
WHEN I ASKED FOR AND NEEDED HELP.
EVEN WHEN THEY KNEW I DID.
AND IT MADE ME FEEL GUILTY. 

Like when C***** and I used to talk, and he was really helpful. 
And I appreciated his help, I did start feeling like I was relying too much
on him for his help and felt guilty. For needing help. 
And I have not asked for help from some people
because I didn't want them to judge me for needing help. 
If that makes any sense.... 

He and I stopped talking. I think it was because I did have feelings for him
and then my life started going to sh*t
because apparently I lost the control I never actually had. 
And I told him I was giving up on dating
because I don't want to be hurt anymore. 
And I know he wouldn't hurt me, though. 
But I really don't think he felt what I felt. 
And I can't just run to him or to anyone
just because I don't have enough control over my own emotions
and tell him I need help, even when I do. 

Because he has helped me with things he never had to. 
Because he wanted to, and was doing it for me. 
And I told him that I recognized that. 

But I always felt so guilty that I wasn't giving back. 
Felt so empty that I had nothing to really give him
that he'd want or need from me. 
Because he has his sh*t together. 

And I feel like my son does not have his sh*t together
because I don't have my sh*t together. 
And it seems that his father doesn't either. 
Because he wouldn't allow his son to treat his mother that way
if he had his sh*t together. 

And it's been up to me to get my sh*t together
And making those changes is hard. 
Mentally, emotionally, psychologically.... 

"No Pain, No Gain."
It's constantly working on sh*t. 
Doing what is right isn't always easy. 
Doing what is wrong, isn't hard. 

But it's painful to see that we REFUSED to get our sh*t together. 
And nobody is to blame IF WE REFUSE TO DO IT.
ONLY WE ARE!!!!!

IF WE DO SH*T WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT IT.... 
THERE ARE STILL CONSEQUENCES FOR THAT SH*T. 

WE CAN'T GO THROUGH LIFE LIKE WE ARE NEVER WRONG
IF WE REFUSE TO DO WHAT'S RIGHT.... 
ESPECIALLY WHEN WE REFUSE TO THINK ABOUT IT.
OR FAIL TO.... 
NOT KNOWING HOW TO DO SOMETHING
SEEMS TO BE AN EXCUSE NOT TO DO IT.... 
ESPECIALLY WITH THIS GENERATION
BECAUSE THEY DON'T F*CKING LISTEN. 

MAYBE YOU'D KNOW HOW TO DO IT
IF YOU F*CKING LISTENED!!!!
AND STOPPED REFUSING TO BE TOLD WHAT TO DO!!!!

I didn't like being told what to do, 
but there are times it actually helped me. 

BUT THERE WERE TIMES I TOOK SH*TTY ADVICE, TOO.

Like what I did.... With my son. 
There are people telling me that I did the right thing
even though it didn't go anywhere
and nothing came of it. 
It only p*ssed my son off. 
Made him not want to talk to me ever again. 

And then I have people tell me I did the wrong thing. 
Because I should have looked into it further and handled sh*t myself. 
Another way. 

Like if I had been able to REACH him, I'd been able to TEACH him. 
If I was able to get him to THINK about what he was saying.... 
Like C***** did with me. 
I was able to reach another conclusion. 
He asked the right questions at the right times. 
I thought about things, reconsidered things. 
And I have a lot of respect for the guy. 

And I wish I could talk to him and tell him these things. 
And I wish there were more C*****s in the world. 
That got people THINKING AND RECONSIDERING THINGS. 
AND I WISH I HAD THAT ABILITY. 
BUT WE ARE NOT BORN WITH THAT ABILITY. 
IT IS SOMETHING THAT WE LEARN HOW TO DO. 
FROM PEOPLE WHO DO IT AND DO IT WELL. 
WHO ACQUIRE THAT ABILITY. 

But people don't want to listen to people who don't think. 
Or people who don't seem to know things. 

Wouldn't it be foolish to listen to a fool?
Wouldn't it be wise to listen to someone who has wisdom?
Who has grown and shown that they have grown?
And then maybe they see us in a new light one day, 
the light they didn't see us in before
because they couldn't. 
Because we didn't know what we didn't know. 
Even if we had good intentions. 
Even if the wrong things were coming from the right place. 

If we knew better, the right things would be coming from the right place. 
In the first place.... Right?

We'd be able to talk to each other
without p*ssing each other off, 
and in a way that got each other thinking about things
instead of people defending their sh*t. 

Like the people who can't seem to take ANY critcism, 
EVEN CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM
SEEM TO CRITICIZE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING
ALL THE F*CKING TIME....
BECAUSE THEIR OPINIONS MATTER SO F*CKING MUCH. 
THEIR OPINIONS MATTER MORE THAN THE F*CKING TRUTH. 

AND IT'S F*CKING BULLSH*T. 

SINCE WHEN DO OPINIONS MATTER MORE
THAN THE TRUTH?

"PEOPLE WANT THE COMFORT OF OPINION
WITHOUT THE DISCOMFORT OF THOUGHT."

BECAUSE IT'S EASIER TO HAVE AN OPINION
THAN IT IS TO THINK.

THINKING GETS UNCOMFORTABLE FOR MOST PEOPLE
THIS IS WHY THEY'D RATHER NOT.
OR IF THEY DO, THEY'D RATHER NOT THINK DEEPLY. 

I must admit that I get lost in thoughts, 
but there are always more ways to look at things
and that requires thinking. 
To be able to look at things differently. 

That is why I want to talk about things
and actually have conversations with people
about these things.
Not for their opinions, but for their thoughts. 
Opnionated people learn to form opinions from opinionated people. 
Like my son has learned that because his dad is opinionated. 
Instead of thinking about things.... 
It's easy to form opinions instead. 
I used to, a lot. 
And then I realized:
"I don't have to have an opinion about it."
"I can think about it....
But I don't have to have an opinion about it."
It made me judge less. Opened my mind to think more. 

And just because others have opinions about things, 
does not mean that I need to share their opinions about things. 
I'm allowed to think for myself. 
And yes, when I am struggling with my thoughts.... 
I do ask others what they think. 
I do consider what they think. 
But I also have a mind of my own. 
And some thoughts are better than other thoughts. 
Some things are better to think about than other things. 

Anyway, that's about it for now.