Until So Much Later

I'm frustrated with myself.
Upset and angry with myself. 

The other day, I went to the beach
and I was feeding the birds.
I saw a bunch of geese, grazing on the beach
with about 10 babies. 

A couple kids started chasing the geese around. 
Scaring the geese, harrassing them. 
Their father just watching them, filming them
not telling them not to harrass the geese. 
Letting them do it. 

And another kid tried to kick a goose
and tried throwing a rock at the goose. 
And I should have given him shit for it. 
Because he's old enough to know better. 

And I should have given the parent shit, too. 
I don't know why I didn't. 
So I am upset with myself that I didn't. 
There are a bunch of things I didn't say anything about. 
That I should have said something about. 
But does saying something mean something will change?
You say nothng, nothing changes. 

Ignorant people don't just automatically become enlightened. 
It takes a lot to get people to realize things. 
Especially if they choose to be willfully ignorant. 

But those kids are not learning right from wrong
if nobody says anything. 
If their parents just let them. 

If their parent isn't doing the right thing
by teaching them the right thing. 

And it wasn't the right thing for me to not say anything
when I could have said something. 

The geese had to go into the water to get away from the kids. 
When the kids could have just left the birds alone. 
Let the birds eat. Let the birds be. 

Now, saying this.... 
There are a few things I was reading in the newspaper. 
I don't usually buy newspapers. Or watch the news on TV anymore. 
A lot of negative sh*t in the news. 

A MP (Member of Parliament) "relieved" himself in the Commons. 
So I guess that he took a piss in the Commons. 
He didn't know he was on camera, but that shouldn't matter. 
There are washrooms for that. 
He is a grown man and should know better. 
And they shouldn't just look at this as an incident. 
He should lose his job. 
It's not a mistake when he chose to do it. 

And I made a lot of stupid choices in my life, 
but I can't justify pissing in the Commons. 
Was he high? Was he drunk?
Was he just being stupid?
Was he being ignorant?

Well we don't need any ignorant MPs.
And we should not be tolerating that. 
Or accepting it, letting it slide. 
Excusing that. 

When I was a security guard, 
there was an employee that pissed outside the building. 
On his way into work... 
He got caught on camera doing it, 
security notified the boss
and the guy got fired. 

Fired for taking a piss.... ?
It is the point that is of relevence. 
The guy was coming into work. 
He could have used the washroom
and that is what washrooms are for. 

Like guys seem to think they can just piss everywhere. 
And that it's no big deal. 
But a chick doing it... 

The house of Commons is not the place to do it. 
And it should not be a slap on the wrist.
Tax papers are paying that guy's salary. 
To have him piss in the Commons?

And "they can't" show it to the public.... ?
Maybe they should. 
Maybe they should fire the guy. 
If he wants to piss everywhere, let him piss in a alley. 
Let him lose his job if he can't be respectful or responsible.
MPs are highly paid, 
should they not be held to a higher standard?

I haven't always been the most responsible person. 
I've done stupid things. 
I've pissed outside, AFTER looking for a washroom. 
A gas station attendent told me his washroom was closed. 
Because he didn't want to clean it after I used it. 
And it is Covid. 

But I am sure the Commons washrooms are sanitized. 
I'm sure they are open. 
Who would piss in the Commons?
I wonder who would do the things they do. 
I'm sure others have wondered that about me. 
I've been wanting to die when I realized a lot
of what I did was bullshit. 

I wasn't judging myself at the time
or trying to hold myself to a higher standard. 
But when I look back, I f*cking feel so much SHAME.
And not because of how it looks to anyone. 
Because I FEEL ASHAMED.
OF MYSELF
FOR LETTING MYSELF 
DO THOSE THINGS. 

IF I WAS AWARE, AT THE TIME....
I WOULDN'T BE LOOKING BACK
AND FEELING ASHAMED OF MYSELF. 

THE THING ABOUT IGNORANCE IS
THAT WHEN YOU BECOME AWARE
YOU REALIZE HOW IGNORANT YOU WERE
AND THE EFFECTS OF YOUR IGNOANCE
AND IT IS TOO LATE TO CHANGE IT, 
YOU HAVE TO LIVE WITH THAT.

BUT NOT THINKING ABOUT IT
ISN'T AN EXCUSE TO DO IT.

AND IT'S NOT TEACHING ANYONE
BY LETTING THEM DO IT. 

IF SOMEONE WAS AROUND TO SHAME ME FOR MY BEHAVIOR
I WOULD HAVE STOPPED DOING IT. 

BUT THIS IS ONLY BECAUSE
I KNOW WHAT SHAME IS AND FEELS LIKE.
A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
AND DON'T KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE
BECAUSE THEY AREN'T AFECTED BY IT.

IT'S MORE THAN EMBARRASSMENT. 
MORE THAN GUILT. 
IT'S BOTH, BUT MORE THAN THAT.

IT'S LIKE THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW
DON'T CARE TO KNOW
AND THEY DON'T HAVE CERTAIN AWARENESS. 

AND MAYBE NOBODY TAUGHT THEM THAT. 
AND MAYBE THEY ARE AWARE BUT THEY DON'T CARE. 

BUT SEEING WHY I SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF MYSELF
IS WHY I AM ASHAMED OF MYSELF. 
AND I FEEL SO MUCH SHAME, 
THAT I WANT TO DIE. 

I've had people tell me that I'm taking it too far
with the shame and guilt, etc. 
That I am torturing myself, 
but they don't get it. 
How hard it hit me. 
How it continues to hit me. 

Because I do care and should have been aware. 
Aware of what I was doing. 
Aware that it was wrong to do that. 

But awareness does not seem to come naturally. 
To certain people. 
I was very ignorant.
And I've been around many ignorant people. 
But it's not enough to just point it out to people. 
Yes, it helps if they are willing to listen
and have the capacity to understand. 

Ignorance just spreads ignorance. 
Awareness spreads awareness. 

But the thing with trying to get ignorant people to see some things....
Is that they are so ignorant and so unaware
that they do not have the capacity to see
how ignorant and unaware they are. 

And it takes for people to speak out
and even then, they don't want to listen
and they "don't want to hear it"
because it shines a light on them
and either they don't want to feel bad
or they just don't feel bad
because they don't know what feeling bad is about. 

I know what it is about. Because I do. 
But feeling bad NOW about sh*t I did years ago
isn't going to change what I did years ago. 

So why feel bad about it NOW?
Because I should have THEN.
Not that it changes anything NOW.

BUT IF I FELT BAD ABOUT IT THEN, 
I WOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT.
IF IT EVEN OCURRED TO ME
TO THINK ABOUT IT FIRST.... 

REFLECTING ISN'T SOMETHING THAT COMES NATURALLY. 
I CAN REFLECT MORE NOW THAN I EVER COULD BEFORE. 
AND I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM DOING IT. 
I FEEL LIKE WE ALL SHOULD DO IT
AND THINK ABOUT OUR ACTIONS
AND THINK ABOUT OUR BEHAVIOR, OUR CHOICES
AND MAKE BETTER CHOICES. 

But it takes AWARENESS, ACCOUNTABILITY ETC.

AND THESE THINGS ARE NOT THINGS THAT ARE BEING TAUGHT.
WASN'T BEING TAUGHT TO ME. 
I TRIED WITH MY SON, AND FAILED. 
HIS FATHER WAS NOT TRYING. 

It's that maturity comes from learning and being taught. 
People are not teaching. I rarely see it. 

And I can't say that my words on here are teaching anyone anything. 
And yes, I still have a lot to learn
because I should have known better
and should have been taught better.
And trying to teach yourself some things is almost impossible. 
Because you don't know what you don't know. 

But there are some people who won't ever know.
1) Because they think they know eveythin.
(At a certain age, we think we do)
Then when we get older....
We either still think we do
or we realize that we don't. 

And some things are very painful to realize. 
Like why feel shame if we don't have to? It is necessary. 
This is what most people think:
"I don't want to, so I don't have to."

Like it is "easier" not to do the right thing. 
"Easier" not to straight up teach people lessons. 
To let Karma and the Universe do it for us. 
What if we are supposed to be agents of change?

Sharing stuff like this with other people?
"I learned the hard way because I used to...."
"This is what happpened to me."
"This is what I learned from doing this."
"This is what I learned from not doing this."
"I read this today."
"He has a point. She has a point. They have a point."

Of course people are not going to see the point in something
if they think there is no point. 

And it is hard to let people learn their lessons on their own. 
Because a lot of the time they don't learn. 
And I can't force anyone to learn or to listen to me. 
but as a parent, I should have had my son's respect, 
Should have had his attention. 
There were times he was listening to me
and wanted to, 
but I still failed him. 
AND I FAILED MYSELF. 
BY FAILING HIM. 

AND JUST BECAUSE CERTAIN PEOPLE
THINK THEY KNOW BETTER THAN ME
DOES NOT MEAN THAT THEY KNOW BETTER THAN ME. 

BUT JUST BECAUSE I THINK I KNOW BETTER THAN THEM
DOES NOT MEAN I KNOW BETTER THAN THEM. 

AND WE DON'T KNOW WHAT OTHERS KNOW
AND WHAT THEY DON'T KNOW. 
WE CAN ASSUME THEY KNOW NOTHING
JUST BECAUSE WE WEREN'T THERE WHEN THEY LEARNED. 
WE DIDN'T LEARN WHAT THEY DID
HOW THEY LEARNED.

Yes, it took me a long time to learn some things. 
Longer than I would have liked. 
And I affected others
with my stupidity, immaturity, ignorance. 
And people lost respect for me
And people judged me based on their assumptions of me, 
but based on my actions and inaction, too. 
Not knowing what I did was wrong, 
not caring enough, being stupid and ignorant. 
"People don't know what they don't know."
But it's like that is just accepted. 
Like "They don't know any better."

And I was one of those people and still am in a lot of areas. 
I did not know better when I should have. 
And it was a combination of not having good teachers
And being unwilling to learn. 

Anyway, it kind of opens the door to the topic of narcissism. 
I think that narcissism is taught to some degree. 
By letting people get away with stupid, ignorant sh*t. 
From an early age, their parents let them get away with things. 
It is a parent's job not to let them. 

It is tough on parents who don't know how
not to let them. It's easier to just let them. 
But that only teaches the kid that they can just do it. 

I've let my son do things like ghost me, repeatedly. 
His father let him do it, too. 
His father did it, too. 

Parental alienation. 
I get that I wasn't the best parent in the world. 
I know that I was not the worst, either. 

His dad was not on board with the discipline. 
Was not supporting me in teaching. 

And I still have had a lot to learn. 
And sometimes there are some things that don't work. 

Because they aren't enforced by both parents. 

And there were many times
that I was not disciplining myself
And not holding myself accountable.
Especially when I was getting drunk
and doing things without thinking. 
And that is what my son saw and learned. 

I ended up wising up to that. 
Realizing I didn't need that. 
That I was impairing myself
and impaired my son. 

IGNORANCE IMPAIRS
But realization does not always repair. 
Because there are some things that cannot be repaired. 
Because the damage has already been done. 
I've already done a lot of damage. 
Because I didn't have the control I needed. 
Of myself and couldn't teach my son
to have better control over himself. 

And these things are not things
that we are taught by people
who don't have much control over themselves. 

It's hard to explain these things. 
To most people. 
And this blog is the one place where I can write about it. 
And most people won't read it. 
The ones who do, they get it. 
They keep coming back. To read more. 

A few people have even talked to others about
someone of the things I've written on here. 

I am not a guru, a wise person. 
I only speak from my experience. 
I only speak on the things that I have learned
and the things I have learned have come at a cost. 
A great cost. 
I have lost a lot. Respect, being one of those things... 
HOW CAN YOU SPEAK ON IT?
HAVING DONE WHAT YOU'VE DONE?

LIKE A SINNER TELLING PEOPLE NOT TO SIN... 
AN IGNORANT FOOL, TELLING OTHERS
NOT TO BE IGNORANT FOOLS.... 

BUT IF THEY STILL CHOOSE TO BE IGNORANT FOOLS
DESPITE WHAT I TRY TO TELL THEM OR TEACH THEM?

DESPITE MY BEST EFFORTS?
DO I SAY, AT LEAST I TRIED?
OR WAS IT NOT GOOD ENOUGH?

WHEN IT IS MY RESPONSIBILITY, IT IS MY RESPONSIBILITY.... 

Here's another example... It's pretty shocking.... 

Inside a Walmart.... a group of girls
stabbed another girl
and the whole while this was going on, 
she was begging for help. 
And nobody did anything. 

And I read comments on this...
People saying that it was not their responsibility to do anything. 
"I don't want to get involved."
"I don't want to be stabbed trying to help someone."

And if it was THEIR CHILD, 
Would they want someone to help them?

But it's easier not to get involved
and to just let these girls stab and kill the other girl
and just not say anything or do anything 

Let the girl just die
begging for help. Begging for her life. 
And just let the police handle it. 

And just let everyone make excuses
as to why they didn't step in and stop it. 
And protect the girl. 

When anyone could have tackled the girls, 
got the knife away from them. 
And not been a silent witness. 

And I would be ashamed just making an excuse
for why I didn't try to help. 
SHE WAS BEGGING FOR HELP!

And I feel ashamed for not helping my son more, 
even though I felt I couldn't, at the time. 
Not that he was being stabbed. 
It is a different situation but still a situation. 
And it is very hard. 

And he knows I didn't do enough to help him. 
And his father isn't doing anything. 
I pleaded. Many times. 

At times I didn't know my son needed help. 
At times, I didn't know what to do. 
At times, I needed help, too. 
I still need help. 
He still needs help. 
And time doesn't heal all wounds
or fixes everything. Or anything. 
Time just passes and things remain unresolved. 
So people who tell me to just give it time
or to give him time... 
Time to think, time to figure things out... 
Time to grow up, mature, wise up.... 
If he's not thinking about things, and wasting the time
And I'm wasting the time by not making the most of it. 
By talking to him, reaching out to him, 
trying to come to a better understanding with him... 

Yes, I did realize some things over time. 
because all I do is think about this. 
But thinking about it isn't taking action. 
And what actions can I even take
that'll make an impact?
That'll make a difference?
Has anything I ever did or tried to do made a difference?
I have people telling me that I did what I was supposed to do. 
And then I see things from my son's point of view
BUT CAN HE SEE IT FROM MINE?
no, not if he doesn't want to...
Not if he does't try to....
Not if he doesn't care....
Not if his dad keeps acting like there's nothing wrong with this picture.... 

And I've had people tell me that if anything happens.... 
They will look at his father, 
because he lives with his father. 

BUT THEY WILL ALSO LOOK AT ME
BECAUSE I DID NOT DO ENOUGH. 
I ONLY 'DID WHAT I COULD'
WAS IT GOOD ENOUGH?
WAS IT ENOUGH?

NO, BECAUSE IT IS SUPPOSED TO TAKE
A VILLAGE TO RAISE A CHILD, EVERY CHILD. 
TO SEE WHAT IS WRONG
TO TEACH WHAT IS RIGHT. 

I've been an absent parent
due to alienation, 
due to resentments
held by both my ex and my son. 
due to me being absent minded.
Being stupid and doing stupid things while I was drunk or high. 
Not knowing what I didn't know. 
Having a lot of growing up to do. 
Which my son also has to do
but not having someone who has already grown up
to be there for him and teach him.... 

He has to learn on his own. 
Like I have had to. 
And sometimes people do not learn
and they don't want to.
Because certain ignorances have certain beliefs. 
And some beliefs are so strong
that they have a hard time convincing them otherwise
teaching them otherwise. 

And I am struggling with:
"You have to let people go."
"Some people are too lost."
"Let  them learn on their own."
Because it is easy to just give up
and let people just "figue it out."
What if they don't?
What then?

Do we just say "Oh well, I tried?"
"Whoops, I f*cked up?"
"I woulda, coulda, shoulda...."
"If only I had...."
"If only this or that...."

People only know what they are taught. 
And we aren't always willing to learn. 
Because learning requires thought and effort. 
Just like teaching does. 

It's frustrating when people do not listen
and are unwilling to listen. 
Choose not to listen. 
Choose not to care about what's being said. 

And I've been on the receiving end of it. 
A lot of unfair sh*t's been done to me
all because assumptions were made about me. 
People judged me based on their assumptions. 
And there was very little I could do about it. 
And I just let sh*t happen. 

BECAUSE I FELT I HAD NO POWER
TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. 

A LOT OF THE TIME, I DIDN'T.
I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A VOICE OR A CHOICE. 

BUT AT THE TIME, THERE WAS A LOT
THAT I WASN'T ADMITTING TO.
BECAUSE EITHER I WAS UNAWARE, OR ASHAMED.
I WAS STILL IMPAIRED AND IMPAIRING MYSELF. 
AND BECAUSE OF THIS, MY SON HAS CERTAIN IMPAIRMENTS. 

AND I KEEP BEING TOLD THAT I CAN'T FORCE HIM TO GET HELP. 
HE HAS TO CHOOSE TO GET HELP. 
AND THE HELP I TRIED TO GET HIM
WAS NOT HELPFUL TO HIM. 
AND HE DOES NOT TRUST ME NOW. 

AND HAD I SAID NOTHING?
LIKE ALL THE TIMES I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING?
LIKE WHEN I WENT TO HIS SCHOOL TO TALK TO HIS TEACHERS
AND TALK TO THE PRINCIPAL
AND TRIED TO TALK TO HIS DAD?
AND TRIED TO TALK TO THE POLICE?

AND WHERE DID THAT GET ME?
BUT WAS THAT DOING THE BEST I COULD?
WITH MY SON STILL SLIPPING THROUGH THE CRACKS?
AND SO MANY KIDS LIKE HIM?

BUT WHY LISTEN TO THE EX ALCOHOLIC?
WHY LISTEN TO THE EX DRUG ADDICT?
WHY LISTEN TO THE ALIENATED PARENT?
WHY LISTEN TO THE ONE WHO HAD TO GROW?
WHY LISTEN TO THE ONE WHO SEES THINGS NOW?

Because I didn't see things then?
I admit that I didn't. I can admit that. 

WAS IT ALL UP TO ME?
OR WAS IT UP TO HIS FATHER TOO?

AND EVERYONE ELSE WHO DIDN'T AND WOULDN'T LISTEN?
WHO JUST ACCUSED ME AND ASSUMED THINGS ABOUT ME?

IT WAS UP TO ME TO GET MY SH*T TOGETHER
AND IF I HAD MY SH*T TOGETHER
MY SON WOULD HAVE HIS SH*T TOGETHER. 

SO YEAH, I AM TO BLAME
FOR A LOT OF THIS
AND SO ARE A LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE. 
NOT JUST ME, BUT YES. I AM. 

BUT SO MANY PEOPLE THINK THEY KNOW BETTER THAN ME
AND THERE ARE SOME WHO DO, NOT SAYING 
THAT THERE AREN'T PEOPLE WHO DO.....

BUT ASSUMING I KNOW NOTHING
IS ASSUMING.

AND SO MANY PEOPLE HAVE BEEN WRONG ABOUT ME.
BUT THE FACT THAT I CANNOT PROVE IT
JUST MAKES THEM THINK THEY ARE RIGHT.

And it is really frustrating. It really is. 
So what do I do? Just let them be wrong?
Until they realize that they were wrong?
And what if they don't?

And what if they were told they were doing the right thing?
What if they felt they were right about me?
What if I can't find a way to convince them otherwise?
What is actually right isn't always popular.
Isn't always easy. 

But what if people make mistakes?
And they don't realize it
until so much later?