Thinking A Lot (AGAIN)

Been thinking a lot about a lot of things. 
I miss my son a lot, I really have hopes for him and I to reunite one day. 
He'll have to see me in a new light, though
and the energy of our falling out is still there
as long as he holds onto that. 
And remembers it, and thinks about it. 

If he can forgive me for that, hopefully things can be on a better track.

We all have our lessons to learn in this life and one of those lessons
is about forgiveness, letting go, acceptance, etc.

These are things I struggled with for a really long time. 

Forgiving my parents has been really hard for me. 
Because I guess there is a certain belief that they should know better. 
And this is a belief that my son has held of me. 
That I should have known better and been better for him. 
He held me to a high standard as his parent, 
and I disappointed him, greatly, many times. 
I am ashamed of the fact that I did and have, 
and I cannot change the fact that I did and have. 
I have to accept the fact that I did and have. 
Which is hard for me to do because of the shame and guilt. 
And I should have been holding myself to a higher standard than I did, 
but none of this was clear to me at that time. 
I was not thinking the way that I do today. 
I was not thinking about what was best and for the best. 
I was very selfish, stubborn, and stupid. 
And this is how my son has seen me. 
At my worst, not at my best. 

And yes, he judged me and judges me. 
Like everyone else in the world does. 
It seems that we just judge each other, 
rather than accept each other. 
And I suppose there are certain mistakes that should not be made. 
And those are easier to judge a person for than 
to see that they have grown and changed, over time. 

I am not saying that I am perfect, I'm not. 
But I am not at my absolute worst anymore. 
Yes, I still have some issues with depression, 
but I am doing what I can to get myself out of it. 

I do have to take better care of myself. 
Because as someone pointed out, 
there isn't going to be anyone to do it for me. 
And because I haven't been the best at taking care of myself, 
I wasn't the best at taking care of my son, 
but I am more aware, now, of his needs than I was. 

But, in saying that, he does not want me to be in his life. 
At this time, at least. Possibly in the future, 
if he realizes some things.
If he won't let go of the past, he will hold it against me. 
And all that I want is to be close with him, 
like we used to be when he was younger. 
He was a happy kid at one point.

He did have some love for me. 
But I think he has BPD, like I do, 
and it has made it difficult to manage emotions
and even recognize some emotions.
Like it is hard for some people to know what love is. 
When we don't always feel it. 

BPD makes relationships hard with other people. 

Lately, I have become a hermit. 
Because I have noticed that a lot of people
want to try to overpower my energy
and try to "control" or manipulate me in certain ways
and expecting me to do as they tell me to do
and there is some "people pleasing" aspect of me. 
That just complies with them
and I don't like it about them and about myself. 
Because I want to have complete control over myself. 

And when others try to "help" me it makes me feel
less competent than I'd like to feel. 
Like I'm always going to need help. 
And maybe they are the ones who need it.

It is hard to explain to others and they are used to telling people what to do
or they got used to telling me what to do
and I just want to break away from people who do that
so that they don't do that to me anymore. 
So certain friends see less and less of me. 
And they wonder why I don't want to hang out like I used to. 

It is hard for me to have these conversations with them
because they get mad at me
and then they play that friendship card. 
And it just makes me want to be alone. 
Than have people around me
who expect certain things from me. 
And I'm not allowed to expect anything.
Because it's all about what they want.
They want to help, they want to dominate. 
They want to be the one who knows everything. 
They want to be the important, special one. 

I used to not like being alone, and that empty loneliness feeling
got overpowering sometimes, but I got better and better at being on my own.
That feeling that "nobody cares about me" went away gradually. 
Because I realized that it did not matter who did and who didn't. 
It only mattered if I care about me. 

And I wasn't good at showing myself that I matter to myself. 
And I actually had to be completely on my own
to start doing these things. 

The anxiety started getting bad last year and this year. 
The worst that it has been in a long time. 
Probably ever, but I have had some help with it. 
Been able to talk about it with some people
who do not have answers for me, 
but I can't keep focusing on some things
because I am literally destroying myself. 

People will come and go from my life and I have to let them. 
No matter who they are. 
No matter how much I want them in my life. 
No matter how much I want things to be good between us. 

And yes, I would prefer them to think well of me, 
but I have not lived a virtuous life. 
I haven't made good choices. 
I have not been a good parent or role model for my child. 
And he needs a male role model who is good for him. 
But he is also at the age where he does not want to listen to anyone. 

It took me until I was in my 30s to see a lot of things differently
and to really look at myself and how I've lived my life
up until now, and the person I was, 
and the thinking I had, and the beliefs I held. 
All of that. And a lot of people don't even get there. 
They just keep believing and thinking the same shit. 
Because making changes on the inside is really hard. 
It's 'easier' not to, to stay the same. 
To keep f*cking up. 
To keep being f*cked up. 
Not to learn. Not to push ourselves in new directions.
To follow others. To be uninspired. 
Or be inspired by the wrong things and the wrong people. 
To follow the wrong "leaders"
The wrong trains of thought.... 
It's so f*cking easy and it's sad and scary. 

And we don't want that for our kids. 
But we don't always have control over their choices. 
We can want them to make good choices, 
and become healthy people, 
but society is a sick place.
And unfortunately, we become a product of our environment
UNLESS WE CHOOSE NOT TO.

I could have become MORE like the people around me
BUT I CHOSE NOT TO BE
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE.

Which is frustrating for a lot of people, I'm sure. 
Because they want me to be more like them
so they can feel comfortable around me, 
but it's not for me to be like them
so they can feel better being around me. 
If that makes sense. 

Because I am realizing more and more that I am different. 
In many ways. Different than I used to be
and different from how others think I should be. 
And want me to be. 

Which is frustrating for me, too. 
Because they want me to be like them
and I am not. And I am good with being myself. 
For the most part....
I mean, I am trying to get over my past, 
and trying to grow into this new person
that I'm becoming
despite all these major upheavals and challenges
thrown in my face and in my way. 

And these challenges are challenging. 
Because certain people are not going to see certain things
the way I see them
because it took me so long for me to change the way I see things. 
And it is really hard to look at certain things differently
than the way we always looked at them. 

"Being in a slump is not much fun, 
unslumping yourself is not easily done." -Dr. Suess. 

And I got thrown into this mess. I had a hand in creating it. 
By not being present when I should have been
and needed to be. 

And also not being allowed to be present
because my ex and my son lost a lot of respect for me. 
If they even ever had respect for me in the first place. 
But that was my fault because I did sh*tty things. 
Without thinking and without realizing certain things. 
Which is part of why I quit drinking and doing drugs. 
Because you can't think clearly when you are drunk or high. 

I wanted to escape reality because there were some things
about myself that I was not ready to face and not able to. 
And that had a huge impact on the choices I made in the past
and the choices I made had an impact on those around me. 
On how they looked at me, saw me, thought about me, felt about me. 
And that is on me. I have to live with the choices I made. 
And knowing this now, I wish I had made better choices. 
Unfortunately, there's no "pop up" notification thing
that pops up in my brain that says:
"Are you sure you want to do this?"
"This is what you should do instead....."
"Here are a bunch of different options...."

But there were times I tried to justify things
that were stupid things to try to justify. 

And I believed things that are stupid things to believe.
But I didn't see it at the time.

So I can understand how others can't see some things. 
Or how they can believe some things. 
How they can see some things that I used to
or look at things the way that I used to.... 
And how they can be stuck in that. I was, too. 

I still get stuck in that stuff, a lot. 
But I have to pull myself out of it. 
I'm getting help here and there. 
From some supportive friends. 

From people who can see what kind of person I'm becoming. 
If they all knew me from back then, they'd hate me. 
And a lot of the time I think my past will come back to haunt me. 
For the rest of my life. 
But the choices they are making are not mine to make. 
They have to choose for themselves. 

Just like mine were not theirs
I had to choose for myself. 

I stayed in bullsh*t land too long. 
Things had to change but it took too long. 

People got tired of waiting for me. 
I got tired of waiting for them. 
We got tired of waiting for each other. 
We lost patience with each other. 
If we ever had any to begin with. 

Can you feel me? On this?

We get to a point that we either wake up, 
or we stay asleep because it is easier
than trying to cope, deal, change, grow.... 
I know. I've been there. 
I wasted so many oportunities. 
I wasted so many chances. 
I pissed too much away. 

Because I hadn't woken tf up. 
I couldn't see what I was missing. 
I didn't know what I was missing. 
That is on me. 

They can't see what they are missing and they don't know. 
That is on them. 

If you keep looking at something the same way, 
you're always going to see it that way. 

And they chose to keep looking at me
like I am the EXACT same person I always was. 
Like I hadn't learned anything. 
Like I know nothing. 
Like I still don't know better.

That's why they still see me like that. 

And I can type here and there
about the things I've been through. 
The things I put myself through... 
The things I have learned. 
The things I know now.
That I wish I knew like 15 years ago.... 

That sometimes I forget....

But they look at me like I am the same person I was 15 years ago. 
And they don't know who I am today. 

And that is what makes it frustrating for me. 
And that is why I'd rather be alone. 

And that is why....

It's so frustrating that I get sad about it. 
Will they ever SEE me?
Or will they only see what they think I am?
What they remember me to be?
Will they ever KNOW me?

It's like I'm only the version that exists in their head. 
Not the version I actually am. 
If that makes any sense. 

But everyone has their own perception of us. 
And obviously, we have our own perception of ourselves. 
So it's like NOBODY is ever going to know us. 
And that is a lonely feeling right there. 

Because it's not us trying to fit in based on the merits we actually have, 
it's based on the merits they think we have. 
The value they think we have. 

And sometimes they think we don't know our worth. 
Sometimes we don't, though. 
So they think they can get away with treating us
like we have none. 

I've been there. Been going through that. 
Lke we constantly have to prove to everyone that we do have worth. 
But we forget to prove it to ourselves first. 

Sometimes we get treated so f*cking badly
that we don't think we have any f*cking worth. 
WHICH IS F*CKING BULLSH*T. 

I USED TO FEEL SO F*CKING WORTHLESS. 
UNTIL I REALIZED THAT I'M NOT. 
AND ANYONE WHO THINKS I AM, 

DOES NOT F*CKING KNOW ME. 
AND THEY DO NOT GET TO TELL ME WHAT MY WORTH IS.
NOBODY GETS TO TELL YOU WHAT YOUR WORTH IS.
IT'S IN YOU TO DISCOVER.
LIKE THE ONTARIO LICENSE PLATE:
YOURS TO DISCOVER.

I SHOULD BE SLEEPING RIGHT NOW.
I CAN'T SLEEP. 
I keep thinking about all the things I should have said
when I had the chance to say them. 
But I didn't. Why?
Because most people do not f*cking listen to me. 
Because what they had to say and what they thought
maters so much more than what I had to say
and what I thought. 

So this is why I blog things. Like this. 
This is why I lose sleep. 
This is why I think too much. 
Sometimes not enough.... 

It really depends on what we think about. 
What we focus on determines what we see. 

And if we keep focusing on the same things.... 
We keep seeing those things
and we can't look beyond those things. 
So we can't see the other side of those things. 

Like how people think everyone should be the same... 
So they don't see how people are allowed to be different, 
allowed to be who they are.... 
Allowed not to be like them.... 
Or like everyone else... 

I was in a chatroom the other day, 
and there were about 4 people picking on one person. 
Making jokes about him, 
based on his profile picture. 

And he was actually probably the smartest person there. 
He said something along the lines
that smart people get jumped on
by a bunch of ignorant individuals. 

In the world of it matter more who you know than what you know... 
Y'know?
That chat room is notorious for having cliques. 
It used to be a good room like 15 years ago.
And then the regulars started these groups... 
And it was like sink or swim for the new people, 
but the new people stood out more.
And the trolls came out to do what trolls do.
And they ruined the room. 

But to be "cool" you had to be "in" with the crowd. 
Kind of like highschool. 
I wasn't in with the crowd. 
Because I wasn't a popular girl. 
I didn't want to be like them. 

But I liked a popular guy.
And it took me 16 years to tell him. 
But apparently he cares too much what everyone would think.
About him with me. 
Because I'm not like the other girls. 

And they were talking sh*t about me and spreading rumors. 
Because they didn't want him to like me. 
Did he ever ask me? No, he assumed.

And why would I do that to anyone?
Because what would it matter if he likes someone?
He wanted the poular girls, he wanted someone else.
Did I start rumors?
No, I told his brother to tell him to watch his back. 
Because even though he turned his back to me, 
I still had his back. 

But I WILL NOT KISS HIS @SS LIKE SOME FAKE HOE.
The things I did for him was because I wanted to. 
Not because I thought I had to. 

Until I realized he wanted to be a player
and thought he was playing me. 
He played himself is what he did. 
Because I would have been there for him. 

But I waited too long for him to make up his mind
so I had to make it up for him. 

It sucks because if we were on the same level, 
we could have had something. 
But it wasn't there.
Because all he wanted was some surface bullsh*t. 
All that glitters is not gold. 
Just because a hoe gets her hair done
and nails done, does not make her solid. 

But I was busy trying to work that out
when I had some pressing concerns. 
And I wasn't working that out. 

There's a reason a lot of sh*t didn't work out. 
I wasn't putting effort in where the effort should have been put in.
Where my time should have been spent. 
And because of that I lost. Yet again. 

And that has been my biggest lesson. 
And that is the reason it is hard to sleep at night. 

Do yu understand?
Am I making sense?